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Mutual needs in D/s relationships - 5/20/2009 10:19:56 AM

subbob63

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i feel so conflicted. i am told that when one becomes a slave that their wants and needs no longer matter, and that it is all about pleasing the Domme. But yet, if the slave's needs are not met how can he put his full heart into pleasing the Domme. Will he not eventually find himself disheartened in a relationship he does not find it fulfilling, and if so, can a Domme truely be pleased with a slave who becomes unhappy serving Her. It would seem to me that any relationship, D/s or otherwise, should be to the mutual benefit of both. Is this wrong thinking on my part, is it unbecoming of a submissive? What's wrong with having a D/s relational that is as based in love as any other relationship?

Post #: 1

RE: Mutual needs in D/s relationships - 5/20/2009 10:27:20 AM

LafayetteLady

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From: Northern New Jersey
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There is absolutely nothing wrong with your thinking. Subs/slaves serve because it is what makes them happy. Snoop around the boards a bit and you will see that many, if not most of the people here feel as you do. You just need to be patient and find the partner that is right for you.

(in reply to subbob63)

Post #: 2

RE: Mutual needs in D/s relationships - 5/20/2009 10:28:39 AM

RCdc

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quote:

Is this wrong thinking on my part, is it unbecoming of a submissive? What's wrong with having a D/s relational that is as based in love as any other relationship?

It's just the type of people you have been talking to and their ideas. You aren't inherently wrong, you just haven't met people whos ideas match yours. Our relationship is based on mutal needs, affection and and edification (I am stealing that from breathing.one) in and of our relationship. It rocks.

If you want that, don't settle for less.

the.dark.

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love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to subbob63)

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RE: Mutual needs in D/s relationships - 5/20/2009 10:35:06 AM

BitaTruble

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fr

Anyone can desire to have what they want. You are not obligated to fullfill it for them.

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RE: Mutual needs in D/s relationships - 5/20/2009 10:48:33 AM

DesFIP

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This is where compatibility comes in. If you override what you need in a relationship just to get an itch scratched temporarily, then expect it not to be a truly fulfilling relationship.

If you want a mutually fulfilling relationship then expect it to take quite some time to find.

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Post #: 5

RE: Mutual needs in D/s relationships - 5/20/2009 10:49:51 AM

Lockit

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You will see that everyone views things as an individual and some believe what you have heard, but many do not. There are many battles over slave or submissive, what means what and how it all plays out. What is important is that you decide for yourself what you want in your life and relationships and find someone who thinks and feels things that fit who you are.

Personally I feel that whether a slave or a submissive... whatever that is... is that there is a person there and I would not want to crush that person. If something about them attracted me to them, why would I then wish to belittle their spirit.

Some do believe that a slave, once they make a choice on a dominant, have little to say about what happens. To each their own... it depends on their wants and needs. I however do not go that route. Maybe that is why I will be with a submissive rather than someone who says they are slave.

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RE: Mutual needs in D/s relationships - 5/20/2009 10:56:17 AM

LaTigresse

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Bob, when I began walking down this path I struggled to understand how on earth someone could have a need to serve. I didn't get it. I totally understood wanting someone to serve me, just could not for the life of me wrap my brain around someone wanting nothing more than to please me. To do things for me.

Fast foward a few years and through many conversation with some totally amazing submissives and slaves and now I get it.

So, you would think that because I am now, so amazingly enlightened and that I am estatic about being served and having it be by someone that reeeeeeeeeaaaally wants to, life would be pretty smooth sailing. Not really.

The thing is, as much as I want to be served, as much as there are some amazing submissives and slaves out there that want to serve.........there are very very few that I am going to match up with. We are all individuals, having one need, one facet of our life, match up, does not mean we are perfect for one another.

Just think of one thing, not D/s related, that you really love doing. Imagine meeting a woman that also loves doing that. Now, because you both love doing this specific thing, are you relationship compatible? Very likely not.

It takes a lot more than the flip sides of D/s to be compatible with another person. You simply have to find the woman that fits your own unique interest in service. You find that, you will not have to ask the questions you have in this thread.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 5/20/2009 10:59:04 AM >

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(in reply to subbob63)

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RE: Mutual needs in D/s relationships - 5/20/2009 10:58:52 AM

CallaFirestormBW

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The key is to find a place where your needs and the others' needs correspond. The biggest issue with relationships, imo, is the challenge of making the right choices for the right reasons when getting -into- a relationship. Getting involved with a person who doesn't share one's perspectives on the world (and, in fact, may as well live in another world completely for how close the fit is) virtually guarantees 'failure' of the relationship. The 'other' will NEVER see the world the way that you do, and attempting to guilt or force that perception onto the 'other', or attempting to embrace and accept hir perspective when it clearly doesn't represent one's own grasp of existence assures that, within a brief amount of time, resentment on both or either side will rot the relationship from the inside out.

Finding "someone"... loosely translated to "anyone who will have me" or "close enough" does -not- assure the end of loneliness or eventual satisfaction with the life one lives. It is often better to live alone than to find yourself years down the road with someone with whom you have nothing in common and where you have entered into a contract of service where every action feels like an assault on your sensibilities (or on hirs).

Dame Calla

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(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 8

RE: Mutual needs in D/s relationships - 5/20/2009 11:00:44 AM

YourhandMyAss

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From: Sacramento
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That is not true in all slave Dom relationships. Whoever told you that was stating their opinion as a general every relationship is this way thing.

quote:

ORIGINAL: subbob63

i feel so conflicted. i am told that when one becomes a slave that their wants and needs no longer matter, and that it is all about pleasing the Domme.

(in reply to subbob63)

Post #: 9

RE: Mutual needs in D/s relationships - 5/20/2009 11:26:22 AM

Lockit

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Great post LaT!!!

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Post #: 10

RE: Mutual needs in D/s relationships - 5/20/2009 11:31:15 AM

agirl

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When you *told* anything ........consider the source.

agirl

(in reply to subbob63)

Post #: 11

RE: Mutual needs in D/s relationships - 5/20/2009 11:32:58 AM

Lockit

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quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

When you *told* anything ........consider the source.

agirl

Might I add... and their motive? Or does that fit into the source... hummm lol

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Post #: 12

RE: Mutual needs in D/s relationships - 5/20/2009 11:36:38 AM

liks2plzlf

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Something I have wondered about for some time. I came on here wanting to be a slave, a TPE, completely at the dominants mercy. Some of the women here have convinced me to think beyond the fantasy of things I hope to be subjected too, or used for. As a slave, there is the possibility none of them would ever be experienced, and at best, they would be a small part of the relationship. Now I try to envision what the usual day to day might be like. If I just do the usual mundane tasks I currently do, and surrender my income to her, would that make me happy! Sounds alot like my marriage, and I'm divorced now. I believe or at least hope, there would be more between us than just the D&s, and I would mean more than just extra income and free house keeping service. Certainly, compatability is essential. Being an extremely submissive male wife, with a little D&s mixed in, sounds more realistic to me.

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 13

RE: Mutual needs in D/s relationships - 5/20/2009 11:51:25 AM

Whiplashsmile4

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I am going to present to you two camps or schools of thinking here. For me personally I use this to distingish a difference between a submissive and a slave. However, still none the less it's my intention to write about two differences regardless of labels.

I tend to view slaves as somebody who sets aside as much as of their own wants, needs and desires and their focus is upon pleasing their Master/Mistress or owner. Their satisfaction is derived out of service. Some people have this mentality.

A submissive is somebody who maintains a level of self interests and some sense of self seperate from their Dominant partner. Where as the Dominant is still in charge of things.

One school is more authoritian compared to the other. None the less, a Slave (speaking from my personal view and definition) is one who sets aside as much of themselve and will go to great measures to be all that their Owner desires them to be. Deep submission.. which some people are cut out for.

Submissives (none slave variety) still maintain a little of their independence, some liberties and such.

It's all in the Level of Authority, service and/or power exchange. For me personally there is a big differnce between a D/s and a M/s relationship. Both are D/s however, in such a manner where a submissive literally is a reflection of the meaning of the word slave. Where one lives the life of a Slave and Does exactly what their Owner wishes. Where they will set aside their own self interests.

it's okay to be a submissive without being a slave. No shame in that. However, if you are a slave, you need to work on setting aside your own wants and desires. I firmly believe, think and feel that anybody who adopts the slave label should act/behave like a slave and deal with their choice to be a Slave. If being a slave is too much for you, perhaps you should consider labeling yourself as a submissive.

I tend to look at D/s and M/s differently. It's not my intention to get into the submissive vs. slave debate. However, I think the slave label should mean just that "SLAVE"... The meaning of which self explains itself.

Something to think about.

(in reply to subbob63)

Post #: 14

RE: Mutual needs in D/s relationships - 5/20/2009 12:04:15 PM

Prinsexx

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Joined: 8/27/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: subbob63

i feel so conflicted. i am told that when one becomes a slave that their wants and needs no longer matter, and that it is all about pleasing the Domme.

Who told you this? Or rather where or what source of information? The idea that needs and wants no longer matter is a common one but it's not that clear cut. Needs and wants are defined differently anyway. i define needs as those things which are vital to life and wants as desires in addition to those needs. i want to serve and indeed it is such a string drive within me that i time i feel it is a need. By service i mean not only ways in which i serve Master but ways i serve my family, friends, colleagues, communirt etc. i also disagree with the term you use 'when one becomes a slave'. Reasonably i know what you mean. But adain i didn't become a slave, no more than i became a woman or a twin. My understanding has grown though about that which i have always been.

quote:

ORIGINAL: subbob63
But yet, if the slave's needs are not met how can he put his full heart into pleasing the Domme. Will he not eventually find himself disheartened in a relationship he does not find it fulfilling, and if so, can a Domme truely be pleased with a slave who becomes unhappy serving Her.

i'ne stayed in relationships way past the point where my needs were left unsatisfied. In marriages, in employment...needs exist in every type of relationship...slave relationship is no different.

quote:

ORIGINAL: subbob63
It would seem to me that any relationship, D/s or otherwise, should be to the mutual benefit of both.

i agree absolutely. i am shy and reticent about asking for my desires to be fulfilled as a slave. i am reticent also sometimes about stating what my needs are because i have been through some faulty training. But there's a wonderful place where serving Master is so pleasureable and satisfying his needs and His desires that i am simply in heaven doing that. It's as if my needs just melt away. being with Him and in His presence is all i need and all i desire. It's sub space sure but it's bliss.

quote:

ORIGINAL: subbob6
Is this wrong thinking on my part, is it unbecoming of a submissive? What's wrong with having a D/s relational that is as based in love as any other relationship?

No such thing as wrong thinking is there? And what is unbecoming as a submissive and slave is a balance between an s types innate conscience and the behest of their D or Master.
And why oh why question love? Whether we intellectualize it as the love for a child, the love of a parent, love of country, love for a friend, romantic love or the love of a s type for a d type, d type for an s type... surely any form of love is what makes the planet cohere and function as a whole. i'm not saying that love is a necessary condition of a M's relationship but i do think that it's necessary in some form, and hopefully in as many forms as possible, for life in general.
There are differences to me in the way that i feel love as a slave and love as a submissive. This a not a debate about the differences between the two.
It's a feeling not a debate. And when their is mutuality and reciprocity, when the other is felt as the fulfillment of needs and desires then that perfection.
Be assertive. If you are loved and treasured as a submissive then that's bot to be affirming of you Dommes power.

< Message edited by Prinsexx -- 5/20/2009 12:10:09 PM >

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RE: Mutual needs in D/s relationships - 5/20/2009 12:04:58 PM

Lockit

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subbob... your nickname suggest's that you are submissive and not slave. I would think that anyone imposing the slave title or life implications on you would be in error or taking advantage rather than seeing you as a submissive by your own choice of nickname.

I see a lot of people who treat a submissive as if they are a slave and although I feel that means different things to different people, I don't feel anyone should automatically expect a slave when they have a submissive sitting there.

I love Whiplashsmile's explaination... that is more how I think of it, but there are people who think of it all very differently or slightly differently. That's why he said he didn't want to get into the slave/submissive debate.

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RE: Mutual needs in D/s relationships - 5/20/2009 12:07:18 PM

dreamerdreaming

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quote:

ORIGINAL: subbob63

i feel so conflicted. i am told that when one becomes a slave that their wants and needs no longer matter, and that it is all about pleasing the Domme.

That's a crock of shit.

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RE: Mutual needs in D/s relationships - 5/20/2009 12:10:00 PM

subbob63

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I must thank you all for your wonderful words of encouragement and enlightenment. In the year that i have been on Collar Me, i have met some pretty great people. Unfortunately, some duds as well. I do have a firm sense of self worth, and do hope to find that special relationship with a true bond between domme and sub. Still the search goes on, and i will not settle for anything less than that loving woman who would hold me as dear as i hold her.

(in reply to Whiplashsmile4)

Post #: 18

RE: Mutual needs in D/s relationships - 5/20/2009 12:11:17 PM

scottishdove

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Joined: 7/27/2008
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if someone came up to you and said "i think you need to give me all your money right now.. let us to go an ATM' what would you do?

deicide if you wanted to giee them all your money without getting anything in exchange.. that is what. and the answer would prebably be 'no thank you'.

if your needs aren't being met or what is expected of you is contrary to what you can live with.. well.. go find another Dominant.

it is about finding someone that jsut clicks with you, and giving to them feels like getting, and is very satisfying, and what they do for and to you feels wonderful.

that is when it works.

if you feel that uncomfortable and dont feel excited at the same time, it isn't working

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 19

RE: Mutual needs in D/s relationships - 5/20/2009 12:11:39 PM

GYPZYQUEEN

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Some submissives take pleasure from praise and being needed..some from being noticed and appreciated....for what they have to offer,,some from pleasing..

For others the charge is the opposite..to be dehumanized and treated as an object..faceless..a possession for the the Domme and being the vehicle for the Domme's will and pleasure is a great turn ..charge or..fullfillment
HOWEVER:
a submissive's needs who are not being met won't feel sub very long..a Domme exerting control over an unwilling or unhappy sub will soon find the experience hollow.

There must be a MATCH between DOM style and sub desires..

NOW as to slave...I feel and I do not want to get in a debate either..about names..
labels etc,,,that a slave...does give up wants and desires for the OWNER..
they sacrifice the self...their needs come last to please their owner..
but should be cherished

It is a good idea to assess WHAT YOU desire..need..and want from a relationship.............which you are...
and take time and patience to seek out a DOM/Mistress that matchs in style and ideas like yours..

There are as many BDSM relationship ways as there are marriages..coupledoms..
bf-gf...etc..
A woman who is Domme and man who is submissive..
does not suddenly make a match..
As many factors if not more have to come into play

LOVE..many relationships in BDSM are based on love because the BDSM is part of it..one aspect...it is like a reverse triangle in way though..
if you get together ..on basis of BDSM you already have that introduced in the realtionship and

then must build on as simple things such as basic communication..do we have enough commonlitities to go forward?? how do our time schedules match or not?..how do you like your coffee? etc..

and bob...I loved each of my boys VERY DEEPLY...this bond when you find your match is deeper than any you will know..
best of luck

GQ

< Message edited by GYPZYQUEEN -- 5/20/2009 12:17:25 PM >

(in reply to Whiplashsmile4)

Post #: 20

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