What do you get out of being a submissive man?

What do you get out of being a submissive man? (Full Version)

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gentlemanprince -> What do you get out of being a submissive man? (5/21/2009 2:11:35 PM)
I'm posting this thread because I'm trying to decide whether or not to leave a vanilla marriage. Given the nature of my partner the marriage will stay very vanilla. So if I stay I will have to give up the possibility of a D/s relationship. One of the things that I'm trying to decide is just how important D/s is to me. What is it that I get out of it? Put aside for the moment the erotic thrill of kinky sex. There is much more to a longterm loving D/s relationship. But I'm having a hard time putting into words what that something more is. I know that I love being with my Lady, that I'm proud to be hers, and that I love it when she takes care of me. So I know the feelings, but what exactly comes from the power exchange? I know that I'm not clearly expressing my question. I wish I could do better. But if I could get a better handle on what it is I'm getting from bdsm, perhaps I could better decide just how important it is and whether I can give it up and stay happy or whether it is a deal breaker for me. I'd appreciate any thoughts especially from submissive men but also from anyone else who can offer me some insight. Thanks for your help.

CatdeMedici -> RE: What do you get out of being a submissive man? (5/21/2009 2:21:40 PM)
Perhaps it is the feeling of completeness? Wholeness? Fulfillment? Stability? Finally belonging? Freedom that you no longer have to supress what might be very normal leanings for you?

chiaThePet -> RE: What do you get out of being a submissive man? (5/21/2009 2:29:30 PM)
More attention in the showers at the Y? What? chia* (the pet)

chamberqueen -> RE: What do you get out of being a submissive man? (5/21/2009 3:28:43 PM)
Part of it depends on what you think you are missing. You can be submissive to her in many ways without her having to actively dominate you. However, if you are looking for physical things she doesn't want to do such as being spanked or bound it might be more difficult for you. Perhaps you could "trade" things with her. Say she's been wanting you to clean the garage for a long time. You could barter that against a dozen whacks with a hairbrush. (Or whatever it is you think you could offer that would be something of true value to her in return for something that you really want.)

SlaveBlutarsky -> RE: What do you get out of being a submissive man? (5/21/2009 4:31:40 PM)
lots of spam?

RedMagic1 -> RE: What do you get out of being a submissive man? (5/21/2009 4:36:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: gentlemanprince I'm posting this thread because I'm trying to decide whether or not to leave a vanilla marriage. Given the nature of my partner the marriage will stay very vanilla. So if I stay I will have to give up the possibility of a D/s relationship. I think this is one of the best threads I have ever read. http://www.collarchat.com/m_1990013/mpage_1/tm.htm I know nothing about your situation, of course, but the phrase "given the nature of my partner" makes it sound as though you play no role in becoming a better communicator about your needs and wants. Have you been to counseling? Have you tried to do the things mentioned in the thread I just linked? I'm not asking for a response on the boards, but I am saying you really owe it to yourself -- and to your wife -- to deal with these questions very seriously.

slavekal -> RE: What do you get out of being a submissive man? (5/21/2009 5:05:56 PM)
It is the best. The feelings, emotions, experiences are the most intense you will ever feel. Read this...http://slave2catwoman.blogspot.com/ to see what I go through. And it is all worth it. I suggest you don't leave yet. TRY to interest your wife in our lifestyle. There are ways to do it that are subtle and gradual. Some women who believe they are totally vanilla have a fantastic domme lying dormant within. If I can be of any help at all, don't hesitate to contact me.

PeonForHer -> RE: What do you get out of being a submissive man? (5/21/2009 5:23:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RedMagic1 quote: ORIGINAL: gentlemanprince I'm posting this thread because I'm trying to decide whether or not to leave a vanilla marriage. Given the nature of my partner the marriage will stay very vanilla. So if I stay I will have to give up the possibility of a D/s relationship. I think this is one of the best threads I have ever read. http://www.collarchat.com/m_1990013/mpage_1/tm.htm I've just read that thread, utterly absorbed. Such thought and wisdom put into it by all concerned.

leadership527 -> RE: What do you get out of being a submissive man? (5/21/2009 5:37:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: gentlemanprince I'm posting this thread because I'm trying to decide whether or not to leave a vanilla marriage. Given the nature of my partner the marriage will stay very vanilla. So if I stay I will have to give up the possibility of a D/s relationship. Perhaps. I don't personally see any connection whatsover between any sort of kink and a D/s relationship. I consider Carol and Myself to be pretty vanilla yet I make all the decisions in our house. quote: ORIGINAL: gentlemanprince So I know the feelings, but what exactly comes from the power exchange? Heh, I wouldn't begin to speak to anyone else' relationship and what they get out of it. What Carol and I get out of it is a more intimate, more loving, just plain closer and happier marriage than we had before. I liken it to those trust excercises where one person is blindfolded and falls back into the arms of another. I also find myself needing to pay MUCH more attention to Carol than I used to... I have to. I need so much more information about her nowadays or else the commands I give are destined to be poor ones. Well, that and, I suppose, it's hard not to be fascinated by a human who belongs to you... at least for me. In short, we dont' do this to meet any need that we haven't had all the way along. For us, this enhances those same old vanilla needs we've come to know and love -- mostly. Those are the things that WE get out of it. Things that Carol specifically, as the sub, gets out of it are: A general sense of satisfaction that she knows exactly how to please me now.. no guesswork. The feeling of safety knowing that I will take the lead and she doesn't have to. It can be me who does [insert scary thing] first and prepares the path for her. The fact that it obviously does please me. I like owning her. Pleasing me pleases her pleases us. We seldom have minor little squabbles nowadays. Minor things are resolved quickly and efficiently. More major things are brought up on the table also more promptly than before and dispositioned. I see this as just a side effect of having a more effective decision makign process in place. She is physically healthier than she ever has been (as am I curse that need to lead from the front). She takes pride in her new appearance although is also somewhat conflicted about being a hottie She takes pride in her newfound sense of discipline, honor and integrity (not that she exactly lacked those things before, but as concepts they weren't really on her radar. She is much more focused on them now and is proud of herself in those areas. Then, of course, pragmatically I'm doing a pretty good job running the marriage from her standpoint. She's getting to retire early and move to a new locale because it'd be better for her and because with such a streamlined decision making process, complex life upheavals are easier to manage. In short, she's getting more of her needs met now than she was before. I'm pretty sure that what I've described for Carol and I isn't going to fit you. But I do have to wonder if it'd be a different viewpoint for your wife. Whodathunk that she could take ownership of you and use that newfound authority to bolster parts of the relationship SHE ALREADY LIKES. Plain old vanilla boring things as opposed to scary kinky things involving lots of leather and blood spatters. Control is control and it does not need to be applied to kinky purposes.

gentlemanprince -> RE: What do you get out of being a submissive man? (5/22/2009 12:23:20 AM)
I want to thank all of you who posted responses to my question. Miss CatdeMedici, those are all good terms and are helping me zero in. leadership, I especially liked your points out knowing exactly how to please your partner and the feeling of safety. Several of you suggested trying become submissive toward my wife and gave excellent suggestion on how in a general sense that might be done. But that's not what I'm looking for. I have absolutely no interest in being a submissive to my wife. I want a D/s relationship with a woman to whom I can be submissive. I see only two alternatives. Either I stay in my marriage and suppress my longings for a D/s relationship with the right woman or I leave to search for that relationship. I'm trying to decide whether I am willing to pay the price to staying. Just how important is it to me to be in such a relationship? Once again, I thank you for your responses.

chamberqueen -> RE: What do you get out of being a submissive man? (5/22/2009 5:40:18 AM)
How truly sad. You don't want to be submissive to your wife but to another woman. You could have had the best of both worlds but have decided to rule out that third possibility. What a pity for you.

OttersSwim -> RE: What do you get out of being a submissive man? (5/22/2009 6:11:49 AM)
First, let me say that your expression of a desire/resolution to leave a marriage rather than cheat on your wife is, IMO, the right attitude and the right thing for an honorable person to do. But I second Chamberqueen's reply about being sad about your opinion that this dynamic would not work with your wife. I will encourage you to explore that a bit further...dunno, relationships are complex and it may already be over, or it may be just okay, or it may be great but for the kink. You have to ultimately decide that, but what do you have to loose by giving -her- the option to take this journey with you? Another option to breaking up would be exploring polyamory where you open your marriage to other partners. Of course, this is a goose gander situation where she would also be able to take someone else into her life. I have just gone through this...it is challenging...totally rewarding...but has the potential to be devistating if it is not handled with incredible emotional maturity. Finally, I think you might want to explore your feelings about submission. Are you just looking for kinky sex? Submission is so much more than that...for me, it is a deep seated need to please and be pleasing...a need to nurture and care for another in a way that is completely emotionally connected....a (for me) a desire to submit to pain for her pleasure... Do some research on the difference between a bottom and a submissive. You might be able to satisfy these urges in another way - via a pro-domme, or a bottom relationship with a dominant Lady. Good luck to you. [:)]

OttersSwim -> RE: What do you get out of being a submissive man? (5/22/2009 7:31:06 AM)
Another thought on inviting your wife to take this journey with you. People in relationship grow...sometimes they grow apart. Realize that if she is not able to take this journey with you, that does not make her a bad person. There is an incredibly important concept that I have learned in the past year which is - "Just because I am hurt, it does not necessarily mean that you did anything wrong." And vise-versa (did I spell that right? Eye spel gud!) of course. Your ability to navigate that concept may be extremely important on how you and she get on regardless of how accepting she is/is not of this change you say you want to bring about. Hope that helps! [:)]

dreamerdreaming -> RE: What do you get out of being a submissive man? (5/22/2009 10:15:27 AM)
Are you in love with your wife? Or do you even love her? Is she in love with you? Or does she even love you? Is there enough good left in the marriage, to make it worth the time and energy involved? If not, then I vote for not wasting time and energy. Hers, or yours. Edited to add: If there is enough good left in the marriage to make it worth the time and energy involved for both of you, then I vote for spending a little more time and energy in/on it. Just give it a time limit of whatever you think its worth. There is a point of diminishing returns. You may think you've already reached it, but you may be wrong. Turn it around a bit, in your mind. Look for solutions that you may not have seen before, or may not have deemed worthwhile or workable, before. Give everything another look, from as many different angles as you can.

slavekal -> RE: What do you get out of being a submissive man? (5/22/2009 12:15:42 PM)
Is there a reason that you won't try to seduce your wife to the dark side? What have you got to lose?

LadyPact -> RE: What do you get out of being a submissive man? (5/22/2009 3:29:20 PM)
Red, I want to thank you for putting up a link to that old thread. My own participation in it aside, it probably is one of the best on the subject. Of course, it has to be viewed from the perspective of someone who wants their spouse to be with them on this journey. Being married to My partner for life, I can't imagine doing this thing without him in some way.

JonnieBoy -> RE: What do you get out of being a submissive man? (5/22/2009 7:27:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: gentlemanprince I'm posting this thread because I'm trying to decide whether or not to leave a vanilla marriage. Given the nature of my partner the marriage will stay very vanilla. I think the term "vanilla" to be confusing to most "kinky" (another confusing term) folk, but I will work with them for a change. ...... If you are married and are contemplating leaving that marriage, there is a major problem with your marriage,you should by now have an idea that this is the case and if this is only related to "kink" within it. I am wondering if the vanilla/kink dilemma you are expressing is perhaps indicating that there is a long term communication problem that you may want to look at, especially for the fact that you say have such loving feelings and yet indicate that you feel you are missing something as part of a "deal" (your words, not mine") ie: is your partner aware that you feel this deal existed when you married? (if not ... you may have to consider accepting some fault here) You could stay with it, yet in your own words "erotic thrill of kinky sex" and "whether I can give it up" (taken as a dilemma) (coupled with the issue that you made the choice to seek opinion outside of your marriage) there is a powerful indication that you are not content. Successful relationships are successful because those involved are content/satisfied/happy. I will not tell you what I think you should do, but these are my thoughts, which you invited. Pirate

littlesarbonn -> RE: What do you get out of being a submissive man? (5/22/2009 10:31:33 PM)
My main emphasis of concern for you is that you seem to be seeking something outside of the woman you should actually love. I can't imagine being married to someone to whom I would not have pledged my entire existence to and someone to whom I would do anything to make happy. And that's not just because I'm a submissive. It's because I believe that when one decides to marry someone, that person has decided this is the person to whom he wishes to devote his entire life. Maybe it's why I never married. I don't know, but I always keep thinking the right person will come along, but it just never happens. But if she did come along, you better believe I would make sure she was the happiest woman on the planet, and that we would be the happiest couple in the history of romance. If I found the right person, and she turned out to not be into bdsm, that doesn't make her any less than the right person.

Lockit -> RE: What do you get out of being a submissive man? (5/23/2009 9:02:05 PM)
gentlemanprince... only you can decide what is worth doing here. You stand to lose so much. Your home, maybe disrupting the whole family and some maybe getting mad at you and what could be a lengthy divorce and settlement fight. Weigh that with what you think you will have by leaving. I know that in a sense is what you are trying to do, by trying to figure out what it is that you get from bdsm and having a dominant woman. Please just take your time and see how things go. You have waited this long... you can hold out a bit longer and see how things evolve. What it all means to you is personal and although there may be some common ground with other's... it is your walk in life. Are you happy now? What do you think will be different? If you do give up your marriage and go with your lady... what will life be like? What happens if you and your lady don't work out? I wish you well in deciding your future...

LPslittleclip -> RE: What do you get out of being a submissive man? (5/24/2009 8:24:33 PM)
start by talking to your wife and explaining to her what it is in the lifestyle that you desire and what you want out of it. my wife is not interested in the lifestyle either but after discussing it with her she allows me to have a D/s relationship with my M'Lady LadyPact. it has strengthened my primary relationship and added a great deal of understanding not only of my self but of my wife as well. there are many in the lifestyle with vanilla spouses and are fine with it. let her know that limits can be set as far as what may be allowed how often and such. with understanding love can grow but you must communicate with your wife and understand that it can help with your primary relationship.

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