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Being threatened with being outed - 8/19/2004 7:09:46 AM

sarbonn

Posts: 203
Joined: 3/23/2004
Status: offline

This is something I've always kind of wondered about, but it didn't actually happen until today. I post on a lot of message boards about politics, and I'm pretty verbal about my beliefs, yet at the same time I don't really hide anything about myself. I just find my lifestyle irrelevant to a political discussion.

Today, this right-wing antagonist on this message board where I post has found an article of mine posted on the German version of alt.com, which means he was seriously searching my name trying to find it. He wrote me this little coy message about how he now knows, and hinted to
the idea that if I ever disagreed with him again, he now had something to counter with.

Personally, I'm pissed that we're still dealing with this kind of
crap. I mean, my name is so out there in the community that I'm shocked it would take anyone ANY time to find out who I am, but this hate fest that we keep having to deal with about being "outed" if we don't conform really pisses me off even further.

I wouldn't be so upset, but the whole snide commentary, as if he now understands why I have the opinions I do because I'm some kind of degenerate is what fuels my anger about this whole thing. Sadly, it plays right into this guy's desires, but what else can you do?

The sad thing is, I'm probably living a more chaste life than he is (and have been for the last six years or so), but I'm the one who looks like some kind of sex freak.

Duane Gundrum
[email protected]
http://www.sarbonn.com/fetish.htm

_____________________________

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day...
...teach a man to fish, he steals your fishing hole and then charges you for the fish.

Post #: 1

RE: Being threatened with being outed - 8/19/2004 7:14:53 AM

kiki blue

Posts: 315
Joined: 1/16/2004
From: Brisbane, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sarbonn
Today, this right-wing antagonist on this message board where I post has found an article of mine posted on the German version of alt.com, which means he was seriously searching my name trying to find it. He wrote me this little coy message about how he now knows, and hinted to the idea that if I ever disagreed with him again, he now had something to counter with.

You could always point out that if he uses the same sites, you could do the same back. Then point out that you have more class and don't need to lower yourself to such feeble attacks to get your point across, and nor do you need to result to bribery or blackmail to support your points of view.

_____________________________

Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional.

(in reply to sarbonn)

Post #: 2

RE: Being threatened with being outed - 8/19/2004 7:25:03 AM

sweetpleaser

Posts: 689
Joined: 8/5/2004
From: Florida
Status: offline

What he said was a form of extortion and he should be prosecuted for it. However, I am not naive and realize no one would actually prosecute such a case. Maybe if you were gay it could be done at this day and age. But that is just now coming to pass. So many gays have been blackmailed the same way. It is a shame that in our free society such bigotry still exists. My personal feeling is that you call his bluff and have a nonchalant attitude about it. You have nothing to hide. I hope things work out for you!!!

Sincerely,
ann

< Message edited by sweetpleaser -- 8/19/2004 7:30:00 AM >

(in reply to sarbonn)

Post #: 3

RE: Being threatened with being outed - 8/19/2004 7:37:54 AM

ScorpioMaster

Posts: 146
Joined: 3/30/2004
Status: offline

sarbonn The truth is the guy is jerk and you got to be open and honest who you are. That means you out yourself first before he can. Two wrongs do not make it right and you have the truth behind you in who you are. The real power this guy got is the power you give him. Hell I know I am a sex freak why do you think I got into the lifestyle. Remember the power a blackmailer has is the power you give him. Good luck. :)

(in reply to sarbonn)

Post #: 4

RE: Being threatened with being outed - 8/19/2004 7:43:58 AM

happypervert

Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline

quote:

I wouldn't be so upset, but the whole snide commentary, as if he now understands why I have the opinions I do because I'm some kind of degenerate is what fuels my anger about this whole thing.

If I were in your position I'm sure it would be hard to calm down and think about it rationally. But if I could I'd probably copy the most annoying text from his note and turn it around on him. My reply would be something like: once again he understands nothing and the reason he has the opinions he does is because he is some kind of idiot, and his rage over being intellectually inferior to everyone fuels his anger about the whole thing.

So you take away the power he thinks he gets from the threat, and then just fuck with him for your amusement.

However, if you actually cared about having such threat carried out, then I wouldn't have a clue what to suggest.

< Message edited by happypervert -- 8/19/2004 7:59:28 AM >

(in reply to sarbonn)

Post #: 5

RE: Being threatened with being outed - 8/19/2004 7:57:44 AM

LadyShoshin

Posts: 492
Joined: 7/19/2004
From: Burlington, Ontario
Status: offline

I would do what he doesn't expect. My last ex was still married, she in the US & he in Canada. She wanted him to come to the US so she could take him to court & make trouble for him. She knew he is a very private person, so as a threat she said if he didn't do as she said she would air all the marriage dirty laundry in court. He was frantic. I told him to email her back and say "This would bother me because......?" He did & never heard from her again. They are using your own fear as a weapon, disarm them.

_____________________________

PHLOX: “It’s unethical for a doctor to cause harm...I can inflict as much pain as I like.”

(in reply to sarbonn)

Post #: 6

RE: Being threatened with being outed - 8/19/2004 8:24:01 AM

snowleopard

Posts: 18
Joined: 8/16/2004
From: UK
Status: offline

I agree with what most have said, the fear of being exposed is what gives him power. I was in a very similar position on a vanilla political board I post on. I never used my "lifestyle name" and in fact kept most of that aspect of my life very private indeed. However someone I had trusted with that information about myself including the fact that hubby and I are poly turned nasty and implied that they would post the information in such a way as to discredit me and reveal me as the distasteful person I was. I have to admit that it did silence me for a while, and then I realised that I was being totally disempowered by this bully and decided to disarm them.

I came "out" but in a very quiet way, in that I added my forum banner, link and name to my signature line which goes under every post I make, same as here, anyone who was curious could easily click on it and follow the links to my site and articles where my interest in the lifestyle is discussed. Not one single person commented, but several chose to join my board, albeit some have chosen different posting names, but that's ok with me since I can empathise with why they would choose to do so. Had I choosen to shove it in peoples faces and make some big declaration or issue of it I do feel I might have gotten a different response.

< Message edited by snowleopard -- 8/19/2004 8:25:16 AM >

_____________________________

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Snow Time Forums

(in reply to LadyShoshin)

Post #: 7

RE: Being threatened with being outed - 8/19/2004 8:25:03 AM

Leonidas

Posts: 2078
Joined: 2/16/2004
Status: offline

If you are looking for a sympathetic ear, I'm sure that you'll find it here, of course. I know that I'm too removed from what you are talking about to give you the satisfaction of some "that bastard" value judgments. I know your side of the story, and that's all.

This should only concern you at all if what he might say about your lifestyle is relevant to the discussion at hand, and might tend to undermine your credibility. If you were, for example, holding yourself out as someone who is very liberal, and at the same time someone with traditional sexual values and character, his revelation that you are out there on alt as a submissive could certainly get a little sticky for you, just as the revelations about the Governor of NJ got somewhat sticky for him of late, being elected as he was as a devoted hetero family man. If all he's going to say is "all liberals are perverts, look at this guy", well, nobody is going to buy that except the people who believed it already.

They are message boards, sarbonn. Nobody on them has the power to fire you, or take your kids away, or deny you a place to live. If you can't be proud of what you are there, then where? If a man is making these kinds of threats to you to "get even", its a pretty good bet that you've been kicking his ass for a while in the exchanges that you've had. Saying "look at the pervert" really isn't going to score him any points with anyone whose opinion should matter to you. You saying "why yes, this is me, and damn proud of it" on the other hand, just may raise your stock in the eyes of folks whose opinions you do value though.

_____________________________

Take care of yourself

Leonidas

(in reply to sarbonn)

Post #: 8

RE: Being threatened with being outed - 8/19/2004 8:32:47 AM

sarbonn

Posts: 203
Joined: 3/23/2004
Status: offline

I sometimes forget that not a lot of people know me these days. The post was originally designed to laugh at the guy, while being peeved that people like this still exist.

I used to be well known in the community, meaning that I have been "out" for about as long as I have been an adult. He couldn't "out" me anymore than I already have in the past.

The interesting thing is that I'm sort of in the closet these days mainly because of lack of opportunities to coexist in a community more than hiding my lifestyle. What bothered me the most about this whole situation was that people will do this in hopes of "winning" their arguments that are irrelevant in comparison. It bothers me because there are people out there who are not me, who do have to hide their lifestyles from the rest of the world.

I'm sure he'd probably have a few snide comments here and there if he tried to out me, but at the same time he'd probably do me more good than bad because then maybe some woman on the boards might be considering domination as a new lifestyle and then will contact me. Hey, it's happened to me before.

No, I fear for the people who are still forced into the closet because of attitudes like this guy's. And it bothers me because I spent a lot of time of my early adulthood trying to prove that being submissive and a public entity was not impossible (it's sad that all that struggle has been forgotten these days, but the testament of time, I guess).

_____________________________

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day...
...teach a man to fish, he steals your fishing hole and then charges you for the fish.

(in reply to Leonidas)

Post #: 9

RE: Being threatened with being outed - 8/19/2004 10:31:07 AM

Sundew02

Posts: 457
Joined: 2/6/2004
Status: offline

Interesting observation sarbonn. I have noticed myself, that when someone is attempting to support a weak argument they head for the dirty tricks bag. Makes you wonder does it not? Mostly vanilla feel this urge. Possibly a slight change it your thread header would have directed the discussion in a less personal direction. Some here tend to have great difficulty picking out the actual question when a personal experience surrounds it. Be safe, Sundew

_____________________________

~~~~~Enjoy the ride, the landing could get painful~~~~

(in reply to sarbonn)

Post #: 10

RE: Being threatened with being outed - 8/19/2004 11:25:42 AM

NightDaughter

Posts: 264
Joined: 1/23/2004
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline

Well this person who found your name on an adult type site, well if he was doing a specific name search and found it well he might be rather shocked at what he read or something, then again he could just me a small minded person and very insecure about his own sexuality.

Like yourself I don't necessarly hide who I am. I have no been outed in about this lifestyle, but several times people who didn't know me tried to out me about my Pagan path that I have walked prity much all my life, and the joke was always on them, at least to me it was, i never saw the point of their problems.

At any rate, as long as you could care less about the person and what they type about you, it doesn't matter, less you do have a problem with it, in which case well talking to the mods or somthing might be an option.

luck to you

_____________________________

NightDaughter
My Blog - http://www.livejournal.com/users/nightdaughter/
"I never said that I could spell, but I do try my darndest to get my point across" - ND

(in reply to sarbonn)

Post #: 11

RE: Being threatened with being outed - 8/19/2004 11:34:45 AM

jillwfsub4blkdom

Posts: 375
Joined: 7/2/2004
Status: offline

If someone tried to extort me, i would go to the police. Extortion is illegal. i have actually been threatened by someone that He would go to my parents and tell them all about me. my response to that was go ahead.

_____________________________

"It's the moment that transcends
Our physical into a more spiritual level of understanding" - Musiq

(in reply to sarbonn)

Post #: 12

RE: Being threatened with being outed - 8/19/2004 12:42:59 PM

afmvdp

Posts: 494
Joined: 7/10/2004
Status: offline

Actually in this day and age it's as simple as putting someones Screen name or email into google. In two seconds after putting sarbonn into the google search field I found his political and D/s affiliations. Took no skill, no real sluething, no deep investigation. If you actually had a desire to keep things hidden you'd at least have enough foresight to change psuedonyms.

In my personal life, I do try to keep a seperation of my sex life and my corporate life as it is quite likely some of my clients wouldn't take to kindly to seeing me in a sort of alter ego. But I'm a gemini, it's how all my life is. I can pull my hair back and shove a ring inside my nose, put on a suit, and I'm average joe tech sales or I can take it down, wear a short sleeve shirt to show off my tats, put my rings back in, and head out to the club. I've been "outed" a number of times by others thinking it would turn to their advantage...problem is those that use dirty tricks are normally susceptable to them and in turn have quite a few skeletons in their closet as well. All I have to say is turnabout is fair play.

(in reply to jillwfsub4blkdom)

Post #: 13

RE: Being threatened with being outed - 8/19/2004 2:11:30 PM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

This might be a good time to remind people that these boards get crawled and posts get listed. So if you want to stay in the closet be sure your Collarme screen name is different than your vanilla ones. You might be surprised what you find when you google your screen name.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to afmvdp)

Post #: 14

RE: Being threatened with being outed - 8/19/2004 2:15:07 PM

jillwfsub4blkdom

Posts: 375
Joined: 7/2/2004
Status: offline

proudsub,
i post all the time on artboards and i make sure i use a different name. i also have checked on google for the name i use on those boards and sure enough it shows all my tracks lol.

_____________________________

"It's the moment that transcends
Our physical into a more spiritual level of understanding" - Musiq

(in reply to proudsub)

Post #: 15

RE: Being threatened with being outed - 8/19/2004 2:29:05 PM

afmvdp

Posts: 494
Joined: 7/10/2004
Status: offline

speaking of which, any reason why these boards aren't put on a no crawl list in a robots.txt to keep from such a thing happening?

Though all anyone might find about me is my ex-production work from a google crawl even for those who know what my random initials stand for.

(in reply to proudsub)

Post #: 16

RE: Being threatened with being outed - 8/19/2004 2:39:17 PM

ShadowHwk

Posts: 158
Joined: 1/5/2004
From: New York
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sarbonn

Today, this right-wing antagonist on this message board where I post has found an article of mine posted on the German version of alt.com, which means he was seriously searching my name trying to find it. He wrote me this little coy message about how he now knows, and hinted to
the idea that if I ever disagreed with him again, he now had something to counter with.

Hi,

For me the solution is obvious.... out yourself.... take away his power to do anything with that information. By calling his bluff, posting his email to you publicly, you disarm them. I seldom take these kinds of threats seriously, especially from those online - it's real easy to be a tough guy behind a computer and a keyboard.

My family, my co-workers, and all of my friends know of my proclivities. Initially there was some shock and a few made some snide remarks. I asked them if they had any female siblings and/or daughters (depending on the age of the individual) that might be interested. Most accepted me for what I am, those that didn’t are no longer my friends – and to be honest I don’t miss them.

Peace and Light
Terry

(in reply to sarbonn)

Post #: 17

RE: Being threatened with being outed - 8/19/2004 4:45:37 PM

Majiktrixs

Posts: 13
Joined: 7/20/2004
Status: offline

"Evil to those, who evil thinks"

Why feed the negative, it will feed upon itself?.......
Plz forgive my words if they seem abrupt and offend any one, it is not my intentions....... But build a bridge and get over it, i agree with Leonidas 'They are message boards, Nobody on them has the power to fire you, or take your kids away, or deny you a place to live.
'What can they do really"?
trixs
Majik Happens

"No peace among the nations without peace among the religions.
No peace among religions without dialogue between the religions.
No dialogue between the religions without investigation of the foundation of the religions."
Hans Küng

(in reply to sarbonn)

Post #: 18

RE: Being threatened with being outed - 8/19/2004 5:21:16 PM

iwillserveu

Posts: 1633
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Real advice. (Whodathunkit?

)

Run. You don't need that political website. For a last message Kiki Blue had some good things to say.

Change your internet provider and your e-mail address, unless you don't care.

< Message edited by iwillserveu -- 8/20/2004 6:48:51 PM >

_____________________________

When the Lady smiles i can't resist her call. As a matter of fact, i don't resist at all. Well that depends if it is a smile or a grimmace.

(in reply to sarbonn)

Post #: 19

RE: Being threatened with being outed - 8/19/2004 6:39:12 PM

Sinergy

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

You could always point out that if he uses the same sites, you could do the same back. Then point out that you have more class and don't need to lower yourself to such feeble attacks to get your point across, and nor do you need to result to bribery or blackmail to support your points of view.

Tit for tat seldom works, and will just refuel is desire to attack if you respond at all.

Personally, I would send his nice little email to the local district attorneys office and file a police report for threatening to use extortion or blackmail against you.

See how quickly he shuts up after the police show up at his door and tell him to cease and desist.

And if that doesnt work, sue him in civil court for defamation of character. Make him prove conclusively that YOU are the person of that name who posts on those boards.

The best approach, in my opinion, to dealing with this sort of attack is to hit them with something from left field they have no idea how to deal with.

But as usual, that is just me and I could be wrong.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to sarbonn)

Post #: 20

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