Why do I enjoy the abuse?

Why do I enjoy the abuse? (Full Version)

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NewJerzeySubGirl -> Why do I enjoy the abuse? (5/22/2009 6:54:51 PM)
At this point in my life, I am done trying to figure myself out... I am more, just going with it. I am wondering if anyone has an explaination of why woman love the physical and mental abuse? Now, In everyday workplace, or vanialla lifestyle, if a Male was to call me a bitch or a whore, Id have a few choice words for them back. But when it comes to a D/S lifestyle or playtime, the words cant get more degrading for me to get off on it. The more degrading, the more I love it. I enjoy getting dragged from room to room by my hair, slapped around and beaten. BUT, would never let that happen in real time, real every day experiences I should say. Where does this all stem from? I was beaten as a child and into my early teens. I know I didnt like it then. Now, why at age 34, thats what Im seeking MOST!? I hope someone can give some positive insight to this all. Thank you in advance.

Padriag -> RE: Why do I enjoy the abuse? (5/22/2009 7:16:39 PM)
I very much doubt anyone can give you a meaningful answer without knowing a good deal more personal information about you. So naturally I'm about to have a go at it anyway... LOL Seriously, there are a variety of possible answers to your question. Probably the best I can do is suggest a couple of likely answers and explain why they might be likely. Knowing that could aid you in your own self examination, better enabling you to figure it out for yourself. That said... here we go: One possible reason you might find degrading terms during sexual situations a turn on... possibly because its a release, sort of permission to act without guilt or inhibition on your own impulses. Guilt is not a pleasant thing, an people will sometimes do amazing things to avoid it. Guilt over certain kinds of sexual behavior is not at all uncommon, particularly "slutty" uninhibited behavior. One curious way to avoid such sexual guilt is to embrace it... that is, if you are called a slut, etc. in such circumstances as to make this seem desireable, its a way of embracing that "guilty self image" and at the same time escape the guilt... after all, if you're a slut then you're expected to do slut things (permission), and if its desireable then its also positive (making it a positive self image). In other words, it isn't really degrading you, its giving you freedom to act on your already existing sexual urges... without guilt. That's one possibility. As for the physical abuse... sometimes its as simple as being drawn to what's familiar. We learn a very large portion of how we believe, as adults, as to how relationships should work, how men and women should interact, from our parents while we're children. Taking myself as an example.. I'm a hopeless romantic, anyone who knows my parents can easily see why... they've been married going on 44 years and are still very much and very visibly in love. So even though I want a Master/slave relationship, I need an emotional element to it that isn't always necessary with others, why isn't hard to figure out. As for you, if that was the example you grew up with, then on a subconscious level you may still be seeking what an inner voice is telling you "this is how relationships are supposed to be, this is normal". But there could be another reason, it could go back to guilt. You might view the physical abuse as punishment for your "guilty pleasures". It might be a catharsis, aiding you in releasing any guilt you may feel for your "slutty" behavior at other times... or perhaps for feelings of failure in other areas of your life (assuming you have any such feelings, only you could say and frankly that's none of my business). I've known slaves who needed to be spanked periodically, spanked hard and harshly until they were sobbing uncontrollably in tears, because it helped them release the guilt they carried for their perceived failures and flaws... and that release was in many ways both theraputic and healthy for them. Those are a few possibilities, among the more common ones I've encountered over the years, but far from being exhaustive. However, consider it food for thought in your own inner examinations.

NewJerzeySubGirl -> RE: Why do I enjoy the abuse? (5/22/2009 7:23:10 PM)
OMG pad, you just almost brought me to tears with that response! Thank you so much for putting so much time and thought into that wonderful response! Thank you, Thank you!!!!!

NewJerzeySubGirl -> RE: Why do I enjoy the abuse? (5/22/2009 8:15:43 PM)
Wow... 45 hits and no answers but ONE... I guess you guys dont get it either :) DONT blame you

breatheasone -> RE: Why do I enjoy the abuse? (5/22/2009 8:19:13 PM)
chuckling Well if it shows or not is up for debate...but sometimes i like to think about something BEFORE i say it. ( i know...but its true)

NewJerzeySubGirl -> RE: Why do I enjoy the abuse? (5/22/2009 8:41:47 PM)
I respect that :)

Joseff -> RE: Why do I enjoy the abuse? (5/22/2009 8:43:22 PM)
Padraig has given you a more eloquent and informative answer than I would have been able to do, so I'll only say what you already know, its called Massochism, and it manifests itself in many ways. What is more important is that you are accepting the way you are, and I can say from personal experiance that this is the first step toward understanding why you are that way. Actually, complete understanding probably will never come, but when you have learned to love yourself it will matter a lot less.

DarkSteven -> RE: Why do I enjoy the abuse? (5/22/2009 8:58:38 PM)
You can revisit the scenes of your childhood with a man who is in control and cares about you, who will hurt but never harm you. If done right, it can give you a strong feeling of being loved and can be very healing.

NihilusZero -> RE: Why do I enjoy the abuse? (5/23/2009 1:17:23 AM)
Padriag did what I wasn't planning on doing although it was a great first step in introspection. It is always a positive thing to search yourself for the reasons you do things (it keeps you honest to yourself and forces you to continually assess the actuality of your desires congruent to your reaction to them). I would say, though, that after a point...analyzing extensively can just lead in circles. I say this because the process of human action and reaction is so malleable...so influenced by myriad things, that we cannot ever really completely go back and trace every kink/desire/wish back to its roots and come away with the complete answer (and even at moments when we arrive close, we end up ascribing positive or negative traits to the events that shaped it leading us to question whether what we want is "healthy"). While having occasional epiphanies such as those aided by commentary such as that by Padriag helps get the motor running, I think the best way to follow it up is to learn to either embrace or release things about you before determining if they were brought about by a "good" thing or a "bad" thing. If you could discover, with certainty, that your desire for consensual abuse was traced back to a youth of non-consensual abuse...would you seek to amputate something you've come to happily enjoy because of what you think it "means"? So...I think the introspection is supremely useful in getting to know yourself better...but I don't think it should flatly be used as a barometer by which to shave off or keep things you genuinely want/need in your life.

Ialdabaoth -> RE: Why do I enjoy the abuse? (5/23/2009 2:16:11 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NihilusZero Padriag did what I wasn't planning on doing although it was a great first step in introspection. It is always a positive thing to search yourself for the reasons you do things (it keeps you honest to yourself and forces you to continually assess the actuality of your desires congruent to your reaction to them). I would say, though, that after a point...analyzing extensively can just lead in circles. I say this because the process of human action and reaction is so malleable...so influenced by myriad things, that we cannot ever really completely go back and trace every kink/desire/wish back to its roots and come away with the complete answer (and even at moments when we arrive close, we end up ascribing positive or negative traits to the events that shaped it leading us to question whether what we want is "healthy"). While having occasional epiphanies such as those aided by commentary such as that by Padriag helps get the motor running, I think the best way to follow it up is to learn to either embrace or release things about you before determining if they were brought about by a "good" thing or a "bad" thing. If you could discover, with certainty, that your desire for consensual abuse was traced back to a youth of non-consensual abuse...would you seek to amputate something you've come to happily enjoy because of what you think it "means"? So...I think the introspection is supremely useful in getting to know yourself better...but I don't think it should flatly be used as a barometer by which to shave off or keep things you genuinely want/need in your life. To NewJerseySubGirl: I'd like to follow up NihilusZero's post, here, with a bit of high-falutin' philosophizin': Remember that it only matters why you are who you are inasmuch as you intend to become what you want to be. We are all forged in a crucible of fire; the parts of us that come from trauma and pain are just as much "us" as the parts that come from love and fluffy bunnies. How boring we would all be without scars... Now, to say this more plainly: Own every bit of yourself. Love it. Even the parts that you would normally feel embarrassed or ashamed of. Fuck, especially those parts. Love them. Be proud of them. They are as much you as anything else, and you are the satguru who makes the grass green. Thou art God. By which I mean, you are you - you're that ineffable "thing" that causes you to experience and choose and decide and wonder and imagine in a way that no one but you does, and everything that ever happened to you has led you to being this you, as opposed to any other - so you have a joyous responsibility to love and to cherish every moment that created you, for every one of them is your Mother and your Father. ... I hope all that made sense.

Fadingthought -> RE: Why do I enjoy the abuse? (5/23/2009 2:53:54 AM)
Also, don't underestimate the bodies response to it. Endorphins are released to give you a sense of power and and control over yourself. It is the same chemical released during orgasm or intense exercise. So there is physical pleasure associated with pain, but would you let just anyone pleasure you?

oceanwinds -> RE: Why do I enjoy the abuse? (5/23/2009 6:24:32 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Fadingthought Also, don't underestimate the bodies response to it. Endorphins are released to give you a sense of power and and control over yourself. It is the same chemical released during orgasm or intense exercise. So there is physical pleasure associated with pain, but would you let just anyone pleasure you? Very well put Fadingthought In my case i never got physically beaten as a child. So my desire for a session does not stem from past wrongs, trying to work through. It is a way for me to release tension, and another way; might sound odd, to be used as an instrument. Something exciting about letting the 'player' play my body in musical tones.

chamberqueen -> RE: Why do I enjoy the abuse? (5/23/2009 6:38:27 AM)
When a person has cravings such as yours it isn't uncommon at all for them to share that side of themselves with only one person. As you say, if a coworker or someone walking down the street or a family member treated you the same way you would fight back. However, you have chosen to allow a special someone to do that. You have chosen a safe person (or persons) in front of whom you can let down your guard and show total trust. I was thinking of another example of this last night. There is a slave I know (not living with her Master) who cleans for him when he wishes. She throws herself into it and takes about four hours to do a really good job. However, when her roommates leave all of the cleaning for her at home she feels put upon even though she spends less than an hour a day cleaning. If she was asked at work to do cleaning she would be very upset other than light clean up after customers were gone. It doesn't have to be a situation where pain and/or name calling are involved. In one set of circumstances, with someone she trusts and knows cares about her, she is more than happy to do certain things. She knows that she is truly appreciated. In any other set of circumstances it becomes much more difficult. I used to have men come to me wanting spankings, and as they were being spanked they liked to tell me their "sins". It was a way for them to cleanse themselves and accept punishment that they felt they deserved. Having come from an abusive past myself it got me thinking about how trained a person can become by the abuse. Statements are made like, "You're nothing but a ...", "You made me do this to you", and the inevitable name calling (stupid, ugly, etc.). Yet, at the same time, the abuser was someone who was supposed to love us dearly. While part of us knew it was wrong the other part wondered if there was truly some justification in it. For some, going back to the familiar way of being treated by one who "loved" you is a way of integrating the almost split personality you have to become to deal with abuse. (There is the strong you which deals with whatever comes up and the cowering you who is afraid to make waves or cause someone's anger.) Going back through the same types of experiences but in a safe way can aid in the emotional healing. Now that I've come across all seriously, some people just plain find it fun. : ) Relax and enjoy. As long as both you and partner are enjoying it don't feel like you need to understand every single nuance behind it. If you feel it is making your stronger that's fantastic.

antipode -> RE: Why do I enjoy the abuse? (5/23/2009 6:39:31 AM)
quote: I am wondering if anyone has an explanation of why woman love the physical and mental abuse? There has been significant academic research into this subject, links can generally be found at women's self help websites. Research triggered out of the fairly common occurrence that so many women will return to their abuser, and so many victims will not press charges. I personally very much doubt that the reasons have anything to do with, for instance, your being beaten as a child - I was too, and I have not ended up inviting the abuse into my adult life (I doubt that men and women differ a lot, in this regard). You might consider research in whether or not you yourself triggered the abuse, in your childhood. There is much we don't know about the human brain, entire totally boring books have been written on this subject. What particularly interests me is that in most societies, the men will fight the wars, and the women will sit at home waiting to be bombed / shot / raped, or a combination of the three. Only the Israelis have trained and armed their women.

kiwisub12 -> RE: Why do I enjoy the abuse? (5/23/2009 8:44:29 AM)
First off, when my Sir does it - it isn't abuse. Of course, if someone else took a cane to me, I'd be calling the cops.[:D] an intelligent man once told me that we sexualize the things that hurt us as kids - so the fact that i didn't have any say so over my life as a child translates into being submissive - and loving it. In another person, that may translate into being dominant. As far as loving the pain effects - i was spanked as a child, so perhaps that is my psyches way of dealing with pain that is incomprehensible to my inner child. After all, how can someone i love (my parents) hurt me because i love them and you don't hurt the one you love!? this thinking makes sense to me on a visceral level. It certainly explains for me why i love what my Sir and i have. I think the fact that there is self awareness on both sides of the slash make what we do acceptable to the part of us that would rebel if a vanilla person tried to boss us around. In being submissive there is a tacit acceptance, on both sides of the slash, that i am not weak, stupid or any of the other adjectives that vanilla people use for people in abusive relationships. I think this acceptance is why our relationships work so well.

breatheasone -> RE: Why do I enjoy the abuse? (5/23/2009 8:53:59 AM)
~~FR~~ People really enjoy a variety of things we "shouldn't" Hell there are even those who enjoy(or are willing to put up with) emotional and mental abuse. i think its important to figure out if you like it because you really like it...Or if you take it because you want to keep your "D" type. i've seen MANY woman on this very site take treatment i wouldn't give a dog in the name of a relationship. So if you REALLY like it cool....if you are just doing it to please soneone else? Take a pass.

sirsholly -> RE: Why do I enjoy the abuse? (5/23/2009 8:58:28 AM)
Sometimes rather than trying to analyze, it is better to just except and enjoy all aspects of ourselves.

breatheasone -> RE: Why do I enjoy the abuse? (5/23/2009 10:14:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sirsholly Sometimes rather than trying to analyze, it is better to just except and enjoy all aspects of ourselves. Or what she said....[:D]

janiebelle -> RE: Why do I enjoy the abuse? (5/23/2009 1:14:44 PM)
FR Some people might say that you are replaying the scenes of your childhood, but in an environment where you ultimately have the control via consent, making you empowered in a way that did not happen as a child. j

SlyStone -> RE: Why do I enjoy the abuse? (5/23/2009 1:25:17 PM)
I was beaten as a child and into my early teens. I know I didnt like it then. Now, why at age 34, thats what Im seeking MOST!? I hope someone can give some positive insight to this all. The question is not why you have the urge/desire to be beaten because this is one of those "whys" that is so tightly wound around your psyche that even if your can discover the answer, you will probable still have the same urge, so what have you gained? Instead ask yourself if there is more to be gained by embracing the kink or by subjugating it, because it is not a given that all of our kinks and or fantasies need to be acted upon, especially if they are the result of childhood abuse. Ultimately what matters is how you feel afterwards, reduced or enriched, a frightened child or an empowered adult, let that be your guide.

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