Communication and getting needs met

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Communication and getting needs met

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Communication and getting needs met

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Communication and getting needs met - 5/23/2009 4:31:23 AM

fuzzywumpas

Posts: 43
Joined: 3/17/2009
From: A galaxy far, far away...
Status: offline

What are alternative ways for a submissive to communicate certain needs to her Master when mentioning something like "i need cuddle time" or "i need little girl time with You" and even though He says yes, then goes on to either to ignore or forget? i don't want to keep mentioning it because then He gets upset or sarcastic at times like "yes, I know, you've already told Me that 12 times" when i've only mentioned it once or twice. i've been direct, how much more direct can "i need little girl time" be?

Should i even try or just suck it up and cope without it?

Post #: 1

RE: Communication and getting needs met - 5/23/2009 4:38:54 AM

missturbation

Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline

From what you have said here he has heard your request, taken it on board and chosen not to fulfill it. Looks to me like you suck it up or find someone willing to give you your requests.

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to fuzzywumpas)

Post #: 2

RE: Communication and getting needs met - 5/23/2009 5:11:56 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

Either learn to live without it, keep nagging him which I don't think will get you any further or move onto another relationship realizing that you just aren't compatible.

But do communicate your needs clearly. Explain to him that these are needs for you and not wants/desires and that you feel as if you are being ignored. If he still continues to satisfy your needs then see above.

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 3

RE: Communication and getting needs met - 5/23/2009 5:16:27 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

Okay. You've made five posts total on cm, and two are made within ten minutes of each other, both describing ways in which you're not happy in your current relationship.

Eat some chocolate and take a day off and see how you feel next day. If no better, have a talk with your Dom and see where things go.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 4

RE: Communication and getting needs met - 5/23/2009 5:45:02 AM

fuzzywumpas

Posts: 43
Joined: 3/17/2009
From: A galaxy far, far away...
Status: offline

Hmmmm, interesting. Would i perhaps get a different response if i had been on CM for over a year and have over 5,000 posts? Is length of time on CM or number of posts a requirement to post a serious question? What if these are subjects i have been mulling and just wanted input on?

So sorry to have wasted your time.... silly me, actually hoping to get some input.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 5

RE: Communication and getting needs met - 5/23/2009 5:50:10 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

That WAS input, and I meant it seriously. You are clearly unhappy right now. I told you to take a break before doing anything serious about your relationship. If you still feel that way, move forward.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to fuzzywumpas)

Post #: 6

RE: Communication and getting needs met - 5/23/2009 5:55:54 AM

missturbation

Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: fuzzywumpas

Hmmmm, interesting. Would i perhaps get a different response if i had been on CM for over a year and have over 5,000 posts? Is length of time on CM or number of posts a requirement to post a serious question? What if these are subjects i have been mulling and just wanted input on?

So sorry to have wasted your time.... silly me, actually hoping to get some input.

I'd take a chill pill and just read through what you put here.

quote:

From reading the boards, i see that it can get quite hot and snarky and i would like to avoid that, if possible.

You were given sound advice by darksteven. Obviously you just didn't like it but remember you asked for it.

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to fuzzywumpas)

Post #: 7

RE: Communication and getting needs met - 5/23/2009 5:56:02 AM

oceanwinds

Posts: 530
Status: offline

Hello fuzzywumpas
Since the majority of my life has been in vanilla relationship, finding ways to communicate and understanding communication in a Ds relationship was mind boggling to say the least. At 55 i enter my first Ds relationship, and has taken me a lot of studying and soul searching in the area of communication. When i brought a question similiar to yours to a slave friend of mine, she told me something that has been of help, so maybe it will aid you.

Needs are having a roof over my head, food in my belly and bills paid, the rest is just wants. It is good to communicate your wants to the Dom. but in Ds or Ms it is up to them to give us our want or not. To continue to ask for a want, be it in a Ds/Ms or vanilla relationship is comparable to a person being a nag. Somedays our wants are ignored it is part of life. Sometimes what we want is not compatable to the person we are with, and if that be the case, then it might be time to re-evalute our choice.

_____________________________

I know where I came from and where I am today. I am forever grateful to all that touched my life. Thank you all and especially you, Goddess.

(in reply to fuzzywumpas)

Post #: 8

RE: Communication and getting needs met - 5/23/2009 6:19:34 AM

CatdeMedici

Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline

I am with oceanwinds on this one, everytime I see, " my needs aren't being met"--I want to scream--unless you are living in the backyard foraging for food, then your basic needs ARE met. Its the wants and desires that then come into play. I never get this where subs expect a Dominant to fullfill all their wants and desires all the time and viceversa---its so damn unrealistic--

So the net is: Your relationship is at the point where the bloom is off the rose and it needs work or to go to the next level--OR He was like that when you met and now you want more. Two choices: communicate that things need to go to a new level or find someone new.

_____________________________

I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

(in reply to oceanwinds)

Post #: 9

RE: Communication and getting needs met - 5/23/2009 6:59:17 AM

califsue

Posts: 593
Joined: 2/2/2008
Status: offline

First of all, it is all about HIM. Your profile doesn't say how long you have
been in your relationship with him and missturbation stated it very well
when she said "From what you have said here he has heard your request, taken it on board and chosen not to fulfill it.". Communication is the key to all relationships and in a M/D/s relationship more so but
it up to your M/D whether he choses to act on your request. No one ever said being a s-type is easy.
There are times when your own needs may not get fulfilled. I wish you well.

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 10

RE: Communication and getting needs met - 5/23/2009 7:11:03 AM

hopelessfool

Posts: 988
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

Try sitting down and explaining why you need little girl time. I dont think the only thing a person needs is food shelelter and bills being paid. Because if thats all people needed why would we enter or seek relationships in the first place? If I need something, be it a drive to calm my nerves or cuddle time. I learend to express the why i felt i needed it. If i need to drive, i express why my nerves are frayed the benifit of me driving and how it will help our situation as a couple. Why because if im in a stressed out position that stress turnes to resentment and/or anger. That anger normally leads to me yelling and screaming my head off. Thats not good for any relationship.

And its never ALL about one person, if it was wed stypes not have the ability to have limits, wed not have the ability to leave a relationship hell, wed not have the ability to choose to enter into a relationship. because if its all about the dom the sub should have no say... and as a living breathing human being people rarely choose that course of action, and are happy with it.

_____________________________

" I have nothing left to give, I have found the perfect end, You remain to make it hurt, disappear in to the dirt, carry me to heavens arms.....Dear Agony Just let go of me, suffer slowly, is this the way its gotta be, Dear Agony...."

(in reply to califsue)

Post #: 11

RE: Communication and getting needs met - 5/23/2009 7:16:40 AM

GYPZYQUEEN

Posts: 730
Joined: 4/14/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

--
quote:

unless you are living in the backyard foraging for food, then your basic needs ARE met

REPLY:
Studies with baby monkeys given metal mothers with a nipple..indicated they went crazy without warm and nurturing stimulation.
NOW to me this stim that is a NEED..(usually provided in childhood).
and I agree that a partner..D...etc cannot provide all of this..in adulthood
Decisions need ot made as to
IS there more good than not in the dynamic?
WHAT needs can I fullfill myself?
Sites such woman'scomfortbook etc discuss and reinforce the
basic premise that we( self) must each FULFILL many of our wants..needs and desires.
We can weigh out the investment in a relationship and the return.
Expectations need to be discussed( or should have been)
and HOW much the OP can provide herself...if she will get more from her D..if she wishes to stay to go..modify...and if the BUMP can be gotten over here.
Often a bump that is dealt with leads to a stronger or next level of the relationship.
***I ask clients I councel to make a chart..
such as needs? wants?....what I can provide..what I want from the relationship...etc..and hten a SUPPORT spiral( all who support you)perhaps this could be introduced at a feedback discussion with the D
with the idea that probably 2 different sets of ideas will come forth..

sucking it up with not make you happy

GQ

< Message edited by GYPZYQUEEN -- 5/23/2009 7:26:47 AM >

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 12

RE: Communication and getting needs met - 5/23/2009 7:38:21 AM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline

Sometimes it helps to ask for something in the "now". For instance, "May I please climb up on your lap? I could use a good snuggle." This comes across quite differently than, "When you have time I would sure appreciate a hug because I'm feeling lonely and unwanted." I'm not saying that you necessarily do that. My point is that the way that we ask for something can make a big difference in whether or not we receive it.

Yes, there are times when we have to do without. I have found that when I have my lonely moments that I have slave friends that I can talk to and we bolster each other, share our joys and trials, and that interaction helps all involved not to be as needy with their Masters. Some men are better at seeing and taking care of emotional needs than others. If the man you are with shows that he is not very perceptive about that, or willing to respond, then you need to decide whether the relationship is a good fit for you. If you feel that it is then you need to find a way to cope with it.

_____________________________

(in reply to GYPZYQUEEN)

Post #: 13

RE: Communication and getting needs met - 5/23/2009 11:36:34 AM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

Was he more interested in cybering or hunting while you were left on your own with a need? As a dominant I will not allow someone to dictate how and when and such, but I am not going to ignore their need and leave them feeling empty and hurt. If my submissive clearly is having a problem.. I am going to focus on that problem and determine what is to happen to deal with it. Snipy comments, exagerating the number's of request, loving the cyber and leaving you feeling as you do... all lead up to one thing in my opinion. He doesn't value you enough to meet your needs and selfishly focuses on his own while he has you still around to meet other needs.

For someone not facing up to something they are doing... striking out at another is often the course of action. There isn't much accountablity but it sure shuts up one who is supposed to shut up.

Now.. you could be doing some things that are wrong... but he doesn't seem to be handling any of that and is more focused on dominant behaving badly. When you get enough of it... you will know what to do.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to chamberqueen)

Post #: 14

RE: Communication and getting needs met - 5/23/2009 11:59:39 AM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: fuzzywumpas

What are alternative ways for a submissive to communicate certain needs to her Master when mentioning something like "i need cuddle time" or "i need little girl time with You" and even though He says yes, then goes on to either to ignore or forget? i don't want to keep mentioning it because then He gets upset or sarcastic at times like "yes, I know, you've already told Me that 12 times" when i've only mentioned it once or twice. i've been direct, how much more direct can "i need little girl time" be?

Should i even try or just suck it up and cope without it?

His over stating how many times you asked is a sign of immaturity and a lack of effective communication skills. Couple that with the problem mentioned on your other post, and you have some big issues in your relationship. As someone else said, the "phrasing" of your request could yield a different result. Next time you ask and he says yes, respectfully ask him when a good time would be. Better yet, when you ask him, ask him if a time can be set aside for it to happen. If you get the same results, then evaluate whether you can be happy. Quite honestly, your posts have shown that you aren't happy.

This concept some people try to portray that the only "needs" a person has is food, shelter, bills paid is pure nonsense. The number of studies that have been done to show that we are social creatures and suffer without human interaction are countless.

quote:

ORIGINAL: fuzzywumpas

Hmmmm, interesting. Would i perhaps get a different response if i had been on CM for over a year and have over 5,000 posts? Is length of time on CM or number of posts a requirement to post a serious question? What if these are subjects i have been mulling and just wanted input on?

So sorry to have wasted your time.... silly me, actually hoping to get some input.

Listen, DarkSteven has a valid point. When people's first foray into the boards is posting questions where they are asking about serious problems in their relationships, what do you expect everyone to think? This isn't to say you aren't posting serious questions. It is saying that it is apparent to US that there are some big problems in your relationship that you need to give serious thought to. Honestly, if this wasn't the case, you wouldn't have asked your "serious" questions in the first place.

You know your relationship isn't happy. Maybe you are new to the "lifestyle" and just need confirmation that even though you are a sub, you have a right to want to be happy. Confirmation given. This guy is draining you emotionally. He isn't likely to change. You can suck it up and spent the rest of your life unhappy or you can make the decision to walk away.

You wanted "input" there it is. Getting snarky with people here doesn't change your situation, but it does cause people to look at YOU differently. It doesn't matter if you what you identify with, ultimately YOU are responsible for your own happiness. Yes, leaving is hard. You grieve, you question whether you made the right decision, you spend moments thinking that you will never love again. Eventually, the pain fades and you pick up and move on and start over. Or you stay and remain miserable for the rest of your life.

The choice is yours. Should you choose to leave, many people on this board will be happy to offer you supportive advice on how you get through it. But I warn you, should you choose to stay and continue to post regarding how he makes you unhappy, people aren't going to continue to be nice. When someone asks for advice, gets it and ignores it, but then continues to ask for more advice on the same thing, people have a tendency to get pissy because you start to come off as just trying to get your need for attention (which HE is not meeting) met by us.

You don't like what you are hearing. Sorry. Reality can be harsh.

(in reply to fuzzywumpas)

Post #: 15

RE: Communication and getting needs met - 5/23/2009 12:13:49 PM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

You may just have to come to the conclusion he doesn't give a rats ass about what you want, and then decide what to do from there.

quote:

ORIGINAL: fuzzywumpas

What are alternative ways for a submissive to communicate certain needs to her Master when mentioning something like "i need cuddle time" or "i need little girl time with You" and even though He says yes, then goes on to either to ignore or forget? i don't want to keep mentioning it because then He gets upset or sarcastic at times like "yes, I know, you've already told Me that 12 times" when i've only mentioned it once or twice. i've been direct, how much more direct can "i need little girl time" be?

Should i even try or just suck it up and cope without it?

(in reply to fuzzywumpas)

Post #: 16

RE: Communication and getting needs met - 5/23/2009 12:21:23 PM

fuzzywumpas

Posts: 43
Joined: 3/17/2009
From: A galaxy far, far away...
Status: offline

I wasn't trying to sound snarky but with the references to the amount of posts I've made on the boards made me wonder if people take that into account when answering. I've actually been on CM for 2 years and used this account for privacy and anonymity. I'd like responses based on the questions and thoughts, not what people think I am based on conceptions (real or imaginary) from previous posts.

I know there are issues. I know what they are. I don't know how to be more blatant in asking something like "I need little girl time soon" and when told it will happen this weekend or at such and thus a time, then either ignored or forgotten, I'm willing to ask to see if I can do something different to help. If the relationship is to work, it's a 2 way street from both of us. I'm willing to do what I can but when the mind is blank of alternatives, I thought to ask here.

*shrugs*

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Post #: 17

RE: Communication and getting needs met - 5/23/2009 12:25:40 PM

wandersalone

Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: fuzzywumpas

I know there are issues. I know what they are. I don't know how to be more blatant in asking something like "I need little girl time soon" and when told it will happen this weekend or at such and thus a time, then either ignored or forgotten, I'm willing to ask to see if I can do something different to help. If the relationship is to work, it's a 2 way street from both of us. I'm willing to do what I can but when the mind is blank of alternatives, I thought to ask here.

I would sit down with him and say what you have written above

_____________________________

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. Martin Luther King
Godmother of the subbie mafia
My all time favourite threads
http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=2002501
http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=790885

(in reply to fuzzywumpas)

Post #: 18

RE: Communication and getting needs met - 5/23/2009 12:28:48 PM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

hon.. to me it sounds as if you need something he isnt willing to give. For whatever reason. YOu want advice? It isnt always going to gift wrapped in shiny paper... some of it will be thrown at you minus any gussying up. It doesnt matter how long you've been posting. You want warm fuzzies? Find some sycophants. You want ACTUAL advice? Read whats been posted/.

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to fuzzywumpas)

Post #: 19

RE: Communication and getting needs met - 5/23/2009 12:31:46 PM

breatheasone

Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL:fuzzywumpas,
when told it will happen this weekend or at such and thus a time, then either ignored or forgotten, I'm willing to ask to see if I can do something different to help. If the relationship is to work, it's a 2 way street from both of us. I'm willing to do what I can but when the mind is blank of alternatives, I thought to ask here.

i understand, and feel like you should have felt able to come and ask a question, but if you've really been around for so long why didn't you see the snark attacks coming.

i think you just need to keep trying to talk, and see if you make a dent. If good old fashion communication doesn't work, then i think you know whats next.

_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to fuzzywumpas)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Communication and getting needs met

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.157