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RE: Communication and getting needs met - 5/23/2009 12:49:07 PM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline 		I try to let people who are considering serving me know that, from my perspective, issues of "I need attention now" of any ilk are subsumable. Not just in terms of a -servant's- desire for attention, but also for my own desire to intrude on more necessary/productive activities that a servant might be doing, just to get some attention of my own. On the other hand, I also don't patently ignore someone who is in service to me. If there is a particular situation or xhe seems to be struggling, I consider it my duty as a Keeper, responsible for the well-being of a servant, to make sure that xhe is cared for and whole. If a servant came to me and asked, as an earlier poster said, for a time for one-on-one conversation, or, perhaps, some reinforcement or physical contact, I would consider an appropriate time, and, if I said that we would converse or whatever at 3pm, then at 3pm it would be done. Changes would happen with notification so that nobody was left guessing... however, if a servant was whiny or nagging about it, or complained about valid changes to the schedule due to unexpectedly shifting priorities and responsibilities, well, it is likely xhe'd find hirself invited to find a more suitable posting.

I also acknowledge that I am a poor candidate for the higher-attention styles of relationship like adult-baby and age-regression fetish. I think that it takes a particularly nurturing kind of dominant individual to basically 'raise' a full-grown adult and accept/embrace the high-attention, high-demand profile that seems to go hand-in-hand with the age-regression relationships I've seen.

Dame Calla

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to fuzzywumpas)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Communication and getting needs met - 5/23/2009 1:46:33 PM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		fuzzy, that still seems vague to me.  What exactly is "some little girl time?"  I'm not looking for an answer to that, but it isn't immediately obvious.  If I need a hug I say, "May I please have a hug?".  It is simple and to the point.  He has the right to say yes, no, or later.  What you see as clear he may be seeing as murky and have no idea how involved that will have to get, whether you need 5 minutes or hours, and may feel trapped by the request.  It is pretty typical for men not comfortable with intimacy to be at least a little afraid of what may happen. 

Comparing this post with your other one it looks like what you really need is validation.  You have concerns about whether or not he is violating your definition of cheating and you need to feel like something special to him.  He may not be capable of giving you the answer that you are looking for; it is very difficult for some to put their feelings into words.  That discomfort can go hand in hand with inappropriate words, body language, etc., and you may end up feeling even more confused about the situation than ever.  If you read the recent posts on love you will find that many related instances of answers such as, "you're here, aren't you?".  The same kind of answer can come when you touch on anything they are sensitive about, whether you are asking if you are special, attractive enough, etc. 

There is nothing wrong with telling him, "Sometimes I get scared because...".  Again, he may not know how to respond in a way that makes you comfortable but at least he will know.  Maybe you would feel more comfortable telling him in a written form instead of verbally.  Don't go on and on about it but try to keep it to a couple of sentences.  "I am scared because I know you communicate with other women and it makes me feel like I must not be enough for you.  Will you please help me to get over this fear?"  If he asks questions you can always go into further detail.  Like the request, be to the point and not leave any murky area. 

As submissives many of us fall into the habit of creating our own pain.  We get scared when situations we don't understand come up and may feel that we are doing our Doms a favor by not telling them.  Then we can start to close ourselves off more and more.  The fear can begin to rob us of our joy.  My personal biggest fear was that I could never be good enough no matter how hard I tried.  I was never told that - the problem was all internal.  Then when not all of our needs get met we see it as proof positive that we are not good enough.  We punish ourselves even though it was something never intended by the Dom. 

Start with baby steps to get back what you need.  Asking for a hug can be a baby step, or asking for a smile.  Remember to thank him or compliment him for it.  "Mmm, I love the way you hug", for instance, or "when you smile it makes my heart sing".  Always be honest with your compliments because flattery will be seen through easily.  If he chooses not to do those simple things for you then maybe there are some much deeper issues that the two of you need to work on.



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(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Communication and getting needs met - 5/23/2009 1:54:15 PM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL:chamberqueen,
We get scared when situations we don't understand come up and may feel that we are doing our Doms a favor by not telling them. Then we can start to close ourselves off more and more. The fear can begin to rob us of our joy.


This smacked me right between the eyes, i seriously almost flinched. i am so glad you said this.


_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
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(in reply to chamberqueen)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Communication and getting needs met - 5/23/2009 2:06:43 PM   
oceanwinds


Posts: 530
Status: offline
quote:

As submissives many of us fall into the habit of creating our own pain.  We get scared when situations we don't understand come up and may feel that we are doing our Doms a favor by not telling them.  Then we can start to close ourselves off more and more.  The fear can begin to rob us of our joy.  My personal biggest fear was that I could never be good enough no matter how hard I tried.  I was never told that - the problem was all internal.  Then when not all of our needs get met we see it as proof positive that we are not good enough.  We punish ourselves even though it was something never intended by the Dom. 


Thank you chamberqeen for sharing this. I do believe many have experience that at one time at least. I do hope all is well with you and yours.

OP
You have been fortunate to receive many ideas for you to ponder. I do hope you have received some help.

blessings
oceanwinds 



_____________________________

I know where I came from and where I am today. I am forever grateful to all that touched my life. Thank you all and especially you, Goddess.

(in reply to chamberqueen)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Communication and getting needs met - 5/23/2009 2:35:01 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		You tell him straight out that you are unhappy. That you don't feel you can trust him to keep his word. That you have asked several times to have your needs met and that his response is to say yes but do nothing or to be snotty to you. And that you need to reconsider if you are getting enough out of this relationship to remain in it.

However, if he does start fulfilling your needs be advised he will not be changing, he will do this for a little and then fall back on his usual ways. Because you picked someone who isn't compatible with you in this way.

Decide for yourself if this is how you want to live or not. And next time make sure to find someone who is compatible with you in more ways than one.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Communication and getting needs met - 5/23/2009 2:40:37 PM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

You tell him straight out that you are unhappy. That you don't feel you can trust him to keep his word. That you have asked several times to have your needs met and that his response is to say yes but do nothing or to be snotty to you. And that you need to reconsider if you are getting enough out of this relationship to remain in it.

However, if he does start fulfilling your needs be advised he will not be changing, he will do this for a little and then fall back on his usual ways. Because you picked someone who isn't compatible with you in this way.

Decide for yourself if this is how you want to live or not. And next time make sure to find someone who is compatible with you in more ways than one.

This is SOLID... i hope the O.P. listens, well said. When people are unwilling or unable to change, hard decisions are coming.


_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
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(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Communication and getting needs met - 5/23/2009 2:46:27 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fuzzywumpas
He gets upset or sarcastic at times like "yes, I know, you've already told Me that 12 times" when i've only mentioned it once or twice.

Given your response to DarkSteven, and chamberqueen's point that "i need little girl time" isn't clear communication, I have to wonder if you really have mentioned it more than once or twice before he reacts that way.  Any possibility you mentioned it 3, 4, or 10 times?  Perhaps you even think you're barely mentioning it, but it comes out in ways you're not consciously aware of.

Also, what's going on with him?  Was he laid off recently because of the economy?  Maybe something happened and he could really use some "little boy time" -- or maybe something else happened and he feels as though his emotional tank is empty and you're asking for energy from him that he doesn't have.

If he sees you as someone who takes emotionally, but does not give, then he will be less likely to want to cuddle you.

Please understand.  I'm not saying that you really are a "taker" or a "nagger."  I'm saying what matters is how he perceives you. 

I suggest you try this.  Ask him this question, word-for-word: "Why don't you cuddle with me when I ask you to?"  He'll probably answer with one sentence.  Then say: "What do you mean by that?"  And let him talk without throwing a fit, no matter what he says.


_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to fuzzywumpas)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Communication and getting needs met - 5/23/2009 3:08:08 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
Decide for yourself if this is how you want to live or not. And next time make sure to find someone who is compatible with you in more ways than one.

What she said.... again.... like always....


_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Communication and getting needs met - 5/23/2009 3:22:38 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fuzzywumpas

I wasn't trying to sound snarky but with the references to the amount of posts I've made on the boards made me wonder if people take that into account when answering. I've actually been on CM for 2 years and used this account for privacy and anonymity. I'd like responses based on the questions and thoughts, not what people think I am based on conceptions (real or imaginary) from previous posts.

I know there are issues. I know what they are. I don't know how to be more blatant in asking something like "I need little girl time soon" and when told it will happen this weekend or at such and thus a time, then either ignored or forgotten, I'm willing to ask to see if I can do something different to help. If the relationship is to work, it's a 2 way street from both of us. I'm willing to do what I can but when the mind is blank of alternatives, I thought to ask here.

*shrugs*



Ok, so you created this screen name so that he wouldn't come on and see what you were doing.  Is that a good thing?  Even though this is just a message board, everyone gets a sense of the other people based on things they have said or asked in the past.  Coming on as you did is like asking a stranger on the street.  No one has any history of what you think, do, etc.  So we take the information that we do have and form an opinion on that.  Some people just look at your profile to get a better sense of "you" and others may read your other posts.  Why?  Because if you are asking the same question over and over, it gets tedious. 

Is this really a case of you needing to do something different?  As a grown woman, if you haven't tried various methods of getting what you need, and it has happened multiple times, do you really need to beat a dead horse?

Again, you know what is going on better than we do.  You aren't happy.  Things are unlikely to change.  So you will continue to be unhappy.  If you can't have conversations with him, if he has a need to turn the tables and belittle you when you question his faithfulness to you, is this how you want to live?  If you do, then have at it, but stop complaining, no suggestion anyone gives you will work and the situation is unlikely to change, because HE doesn't want to change.  If you can't live this way, then gather all your strength and end the relationship and go find what makes you happy. 

Relationship, BDSM or vanilla have most of the same set of problems and the same sets of solutions.  Lack of good communication is at the top of the list why things fail when there isn't abuse or cheating.  People think it is money, but it isn't.  Because if they better communicated their feelings about the financial situation they could work it out.

This isn't rocket science.  It is learning how to communicate effectively with the person you are in love with.  Which incidentally should be the one person you CAN talk to without worrying.

(in reply to fuzzywumpas)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Communication and getting needs met - 5/23/2009 3:30:49 PM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL:RedMagic1,
I suggest you try this. Ask him this question, word-for-word: "Why don't you cuddle with me when I ask you to?" He'll probably answer with one sentence. Then say: "What do you mean by that?" And let him talk without throwing a fit, no matter what he says.


This is good. Master and i will tell each other what We thought the other one said, For example... If i bring something to Him, and its important  that i KNOW He heard me, i will ask Him this question immediately after i say what was on my mind..."Master would You please tell me what You heard me say?" He will say "you said ...yadda yadda."  At which point i will say "Yes, thankYou for listening, i love You." or i will say "Well thats not exactly it, can i rephrase and try again?" Master and i both feel this is a VERY good way to make sure We always feel "heard"


_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
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(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Communication and getting needs met - 5/23/2009 4:23:42 PM   
TopChuck


Posts: 36
Joined: 1/1/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fuzzywumpas

What are alternative ways for a submissive to communicate certain needs to her Master when mentioning something like "i need cuddle time" or "i need little girl time with You" and even though He says yes, then goes on to either to ignore or forget? i don't want to keep mentioning it because then He gets upset or sarcastic at times like "yes, I know, you've already told Me that 12 times" when i've only mentioned it once or twice. i've been direct, how much more direct can "i need little girl time" be?

Should i even try or just suck it up and cope without it?



The advantage of being in a D/s relationship is you have a way of measuring your relationship against the power exchange formula.

An expression of the power exchange is the submissive trusting, accepting and appreciating in exchange for the Dom/me cherishing, understanding and respecting.

The Dom/me is in charge of the relationship, so, it is the Dom/me's responsibility to make sure the power exchange is functioning.

If you don't feel cherished, understood or respected and your Dom/me doesn't respond to your clues, there is a problem with the functioning of the power exchange.

Others have said this to you, but I thought it might help to try to get very specific about the elements of the power exchange to help you understand.

The "understanding" element of the formula is probably paramount in importance, since there can be no cherishing or respecting, without first understanding your needs.  And, it is the Dom/me's duty to actively understand.

The submissive should very rarely have to call the Dom/me's attention to that, if the Dom/me is functioning in the power exchange properly.

The Dom/me operates in the logical mind area and the submissive in the emotional mind.  Handling the relationship is up to the person who is using the logic necessary to keep the exchange functioning.

That you have to suspend your submissive mind to deal with this reinforces what everyone has told you about your situation.

I'm sure everyone here joins me in wishing you the best of luck in dealing with your Dom/me about the problems in your relationship, before you decide the relationship is beyond repair.

(in reply to fuzzywumpas)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Communication and getting needs met - 5/23/2009 4:32:59 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TopChuck
The Dom/me operates in the logical mind area and the submissive in the emotional mind. 

As I have never met any emotional dominants, or any logical submissives, I must agree with you.

-- EmotionlessDom


_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to TopChuck)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Communication and getting needs met - 5/23/2009 4:42:51 PM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL:TopChuck,
The advantage of being in a D/s relationship is you have a way of measuring your relationship against the power exchange formula.

An expression of the power exchange is the submissive trusting, accepting and appreciating in exchange for the Dom/me cherishing, understanding and respecting.

The Dom/me is in charge of the relationship, so, it is the Dom/me's responsibility to make sure the power exchange is functioning.

If you don't feel cherished, understood or respected and your Dom/me doesn't respond to your clues, there is a problem with the functioning of the power exchange.

Others have said this to you, but I thought it might help to try to get very specific about the elements of the power exchange to help you understand.

The "understanding" element of the formula is probably paramount in importance, since there can be no cherishing or respecting, without first understanding your needs. And, it is the Dom/me's duty to actively understand.

The submissive should very rarely have to call the Dom/me's attention to that, if the Dom/me is functioning in the power exchange properly.

The Dom/me operates in the logical mind area and the submissive in the emotional mind. Handling the relationship is up to the person who is using the logic necessary to keep the exchange functioning.

That you have to suspend your submissive mind to deal with this reinforces what everyone has told you about your situation.

I'm sure everyone here joins me in wishing you the best of luck in dealing with your Dom/me about the problems in your relationship, before you decide the relationship is beyond repair.

No one should be expected to read someones mind. "clues" don't work with me, i tend to be rather thick. CLEAR communication is always best in my book.


_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
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(in reply to TopChuck)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Communication and getting needs met - 5/23/2009 5:11:24 PM   
faithfulfemme


Posts: 113
Joined: 5/24/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fuzzywumpas

What are alternative ways for a submissive to communicate certain needs to her Master when mentioning something like "i need cuddle time" or "i need little girl time with You" and even though He says yes, then goes on to either to ignore or forget? i don't want to keep mentioning it because then He gets upset or sarcastic at times like "yes, I know, you've already told Me that 12 times" when i've only mentioned it once or twice. i've been direct, how much more direct can "i need little girl time" be?

Should i even try or just suck it up and cope without it?




fuzzywumpas, when you say to your Dominant, "i need little girl time" you are making a demand.  Demands from a submissve can go against the grain of many Dominants and cause them to not want to fulfill these demands.  The demand makes the submissive appear to be topping from the bottom, even if this is not what the submissive means by her/his method of stating her/his needs/wants. 
 
 
i agree with chamberqueen in that you may get better results if you pose your want/need, whatever one wants to call it, in a differently structured sentence.  Put your request into question form, and you may find that it will be easier for your Dominant to give your request to you.  Using a question puts the authority right back into the Dominants hands, which is where it should be.  Asking, "Can i Have.....", "Would it be ok..." allows the Dominant to make a decision, which is why They are Dominants in the first place.  The good Ones looove to wield the power of yay or nay..........
 
 
Changing the form in which you pose your want, moving from a demand to a question, may take some time to work.  your Dominant may need awhile to realize that you are no longer making a demand, to realize that you are giving Him back His power to make the decisions, so i recommend that you be patient and give it some time to take effect.
 
 
Perhaps it would be a good thing for you to discuss with Him how He would prefer you to approach Him with requests.  Oening up this dialogue could be useful, and bring about results that benefit you both.
 
 
Then, if after changing your behaviour He still responds to you in the same fashion, you will need to reflect on whether or not this is how you wish your life to continue.  Just my opinion, nothing more.....
 
 
Respectfully,
sweetrosie...

_____________________________

Trust is neither wishing nor hoping; it is a deep sense of honor in another.

(in reply to fuzzywumpas)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Communication and getting needs met - 5/23/2009 5:17:38 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Wouldn't a person be needier if they felt their dominant was ignoring them while he cybers with others?  Feeling threatened or cheated or lied to is going to make you need more to offset that bad feelings.  If the dominant who is cybering can't see that... I doubt her phrasing things any way at all will have an effect.  He doesn't want to see and if he did want to see... he would do something about it.  Instead he lashes out at her and doesn't understand her need and makes more if it than she is actually presenting.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


(in reply to faithfulfemme)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Communication and getting needs met - 5/23/2009 6:43:38 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		Well, I'm sure she is totally confused now.  One side is telling her that the dominant should be aware of and responding to her needs and others are saying it may be her fault he responds poorly, thinking she is topping from the bottom.  Lockit, you made an excellent point.  When we feel as though we don't "matter" our need to have our "purpose" need much stronger reinforcement.

Realistically, no matter how she poses the request, if he thinks she is being too demanding, or topping from the bottom, stealing his power, etc., he shouldn't say "yes" and then never follow through.  If he feels her request is inappropriate, ignoring it is a not only a lack of being able to effectively communicate, it is all a prime example of poor interpersonal skills.  The OP is over 40, so we have to assume that her dom is somewhere in that range as well.  Honestly, if he has gone this long in life without seeing a need to be a more communicative partner in a relationship, it is doubtful he ever will.

We can all give her the warm, fuzzy advice of "stick in there and work towards fixing it."  But is it likely going to happen?  This poor woman NEEDS to feel loved and NEEDS attention from this man, and it just ain't gonna happen.  Coddling and being warm and fuzzy is nice, but sometimes people just need a great big reality check that this is it, this is how it is now, how it will be going forward.  Accept it or move on.  She's already indicated attempts to discuss which have either been ignored or met with name calling.

(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Communication and getting needs met - 5/23/2009 7:06:36 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fuzzywumpas

What are alternative ways for a submissive to communicate certain needs to her Master when mentioning something like "i need cuddle time" or "i need little girl time with You" and even though He says yes, then goes on to either to ignore or forget? i don't want to keep mentioning it because then He gets upset or sarcastic at times like "yes, I know, you've already told Me that 12 times" when i've only mentioned it once or twice. i've been direct, how much more direct can "i need little girl time" be?

Should i even try or just suck it up and cope without it?



Nothing very helpful to add really ....... but that situations can be really crappy.

You know your guy better than anyone here .... so you know if he's deliberately avoiding your discontent or has a  a good reason.

Could be that he's an insensitive bugger, .....could be that you are really demanding. Really , who can say?

You don't have to put up with anything ..The relationship is only as good as the fact that you both agree to it and that includes how it works in reality. It's not a lot of use *hoping, wishing, agreeing*.......to anything if you can't back it up with actions.

We tend to *know* when that's the case.

agirl




(in reply to fuzzywumpas)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Communication and getting needs met - 5/23/2009 7:12:21 PM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL:agril,

It's not a lot of use *hoping, wishing, agreeing*.......to anything if you can't back it up with actions.

We tend to *know* when that's the case.


Afraid i have to agree with this. Really hope the O.P. works this out one way or the other.


_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
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(in reply to agirl)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Communication and getting needs met - 5/23/2009 7:17:14 PM   
Drakontos


Posts: 167
Joined: 5/20/2009
Status: offline
quote:

he shouldn't say "yes" and then never follow through

I have to agree with this. If a person says they are going to do something; they need to follow through on it.

_____________________________

Drakontos
zaphira

Live with honor; serve with grace and beauty

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Communication and getting needs met - 5/23/2009 7:25:48 PM   
Radulfr


Posts: 7
Joined: 5/23/2009
From: Arizona
Status: offline 		As stated above, it seems like your top doesn't really care about your needs.  You seem to be unhappy and unfulfilled, so if he is unwilling to fill the void, it may be time for you to move on to someone who is willing to do so.

(in reply to breatheasone)
Profile   Post #: 40
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