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RE: am i normal? - 5/24/2009 5:17:10 AM   
chronos1976


Posts: 23
Joined: 10/12/2008
Status: offline 		My own thought is:

You need to get back into the habit of saying "No" and "Stop" etc, because it sounds like you are using your safeword in place of these words. I.e. your safeword has become a paradigm for the word "stop" rather than meaning "The scene ends now".

My last sub had the same rape fantasy, and she gave me consensual non-consent. She could shout "no", "stop", "I don't want it" and even cry, but if her safeword was used everything stopped immediately.

It was something I had to build up to because initially it felt quite wrong, but we explored all aspects of the fantasy verbally beforehand (as a two-way story) so we both had a clear idea of what was expected.

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Profile   Post #: 21
RE: am i normal? - 5/24/2009 5:51:52 AM   
FrankAr


Posts: 817
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		Greetings mien,

You have informed us about your safe word usage with your male. Well for the fantasy, and if there are no traumas to get in the way, then get another safety word. Make a word that neither uses for an everyday thing....Dr Seuss....apple cake...vanilla coke.....and then let him go for it without restrictions, and that does mean restrictions. For remember being raped is not a fantasy, ask all the other women that have gone through the nightmare, but if you want to go through with it, then let the slapping, force, cutting, knife use, degredation, go ahead.

The one thing that you have to remember, when all is said and done, it is left in the past. You can't come back and say...why slap me so hard, why treat me that rough...when the shackles come off, you better get ready for the abuse stage of the fantasy.

Be well.

Frank Ar.


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RE: am i normal? - 5/24/2009 6:37:32 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

I'm saying that if he is not confident about knowing when to stop based on nonverbal cues, then they need a verbal one.


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Profile   Post #: 23
RE: am i normal? - 5/24/2009 7:30:19 AM   
hopelessfool


Posts: 988
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: army101

Hey? Its called "roleplay" okay? When you both want to play agree on one word only that will mean do me take me Rape me!

Of course a good Master will never bring you harm but should bring you joy and pleasure as you need it. Communicate with him as a lot of us cant read minds anymore. And have fun!


And sometimes roleplay is taken to far. I dont dabble in rape play. But for many women they want it, or they go through with said fantasy and then the reality of this could have happened to me with out it being someone i love and trust. or the love and trust might be broken...

As for hte Op Use Stop No I dont want to instead of safe wording. Simply because no stop... is more of the force play aspect and safe wording means okay I CANT FUCKING DO THIS....

Also make sure make sure make VERY sure, you have him to talk to after cuddles love affection reaffirm in your head hes the man you care about the man you serve and he only did it because you wanted it. not because he wants to hurt you or such.

Also.... make sure whats okay is okay before hand, like Frank above said. Make sure if face slapping is a hard limit, in the scene he doesnt slap your face, make sure its "real" but not..really "real."  I would suggest when talking try part of the scene out where its consentual, the rough sex, make sure its something thats going to be okay with you if theres name calling or other forms of pain or humiliation that they arent goign to play with you mentally... and if they do... by GODS PLEASE tell your owner, its no shame if you cant go through with it, or if you cant have certian parts of it, or if its going to harm you..... Just PLEASE think with common sense. If you have any feelings or emotions your not sure how to deal with after i might not be a trained shrink but mail me on the other side... ^_^

And Have fun...


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Profile   Post #: 24
RE: am i normal? - 5/24/2009 11:41:47 AM   
Jeptha


Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chronos1976

My own thought is:

You need to get back into the habit of saying "No" and "Stop" etc, because it sounds like you are using your safeword in place of these words. I.e. your safeword has become a paradigm for the word "stop" rather than meaning "The scene ends now".

My last sub had the same rape fantasy, and she gave me consensual non-consent. She could shout "no", "stop", "I don't want it" and even cry, but if her safeword was used everything stopped immediately.

It was something I had to build up to because initially it felt quite wrong, but we explored all aspects of the fantasy verbally beforehand (as a two-way story) so we both had a clear idea of what was expected.

Hey ~ there you go!

To me, this sounds like a fairly practical solution.

It emphasizes the communication piece, too, which I think is important. When I look back, I realize that some exes of mine might have liked me to have "taken off the kid gloves" a little bit more.

But when you go into new experiences like this, sometimes the caretaking part is the primary overseer of the whole thing to make sure everything's really ok, and that results in holding back a little more than might actually be necessary.

I think it takes communication and some experience (and consequent feedback) to get a clearer feel for where the parameters are.

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Profile   Post #: 25
RE: am i normal? - 5/25/2009 6:29:44 PM   
DeViLiVeD


Posts: 37
Joined: 1/5/2009
Status: offline 		What is your safeword anyway? If you want him to ignore the safeword, then it defeats the purpose of it in the very first place. Instead of wanting ur master to do more, why don't hold back on your safeword instead. Or if your fetish is to even be raped when using the safeword, try having a soft safeword. An alternative safeword that ur master knows its near to your limits but he can push it a little further if he wishes to.

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Profile   Post #: 26
RE: am i normal? - 5/25/2009 10:43:23 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		lemme get this straight.. YOU use the safe word and then say "only kidding"???  nothing is normal about this....Ive known a few "Psycho Sues" to call the cops screaming rape....  If I was the one doing the role play rape with the ilk of you  I video... nevermind Id dump you like yesterdays news...  you gots far more issues than role play....

BadOne


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Profile   Post #: 27
RE: am i normal? - 5/26/2009 12:50:24 AM   
LyraLaLaurie


Posts: 83
Joined: 4/14/2009
Status: offline 		It's a normal fantasy, and a good one to explore....but remember it's a fantasy. You most likely want the "rape" on your terms, and there are certain terms you wouldn't agree to. So as everyone says, be careful.

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Profile   Post #: 28
RE: am i normal? - 5/26/2009 3:48:11 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Consensual nonconsent. Meaning you give permission beforehand and it stands for during no matter what you say.
However since he's so nervous about it, perhaps there's a reason. Is he afraid of bringing up old trauma for you?

Just tell him and let him decide. Part of him being the dominant is that he gets to decide what you can and can't take. So if he does stop this time, but goes a little farther next time, be patient. Perhaps he wants to work you up to it safely.

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Profile   Post #: 29
RE: am i normal? - 5/27/2009 5:23:15 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

I'm saying that if he is not confident about knowing when to stop based on nonverbal cues, then they need a verbal one.

I got the distinct impression from the OP that there were occasions she wanted him to continue even AFTER she'd safe-worded - a verbal cue, no?
 
I think the only real communication that's needed here is for the Master to take the time out to get it into the OP's head once and for all that everything ends with her safe-wording and that if she really doesn't want it to end, then she needs to stop *playing* with her safeword.
 
If he stops because of "nonverbal cues", well that's his judgement call to make and at least shows he's still looking out for her.  But such judgements will always be grey areas influenced by many factors, including his own confidence (or lack of).  But there really needn't be anything simpler and "black and white" than her safe-wording guarantees everything ceases - and that really orta be the first basic rule to establish; or re-establish since the OP just doesn't seem to get the gravity of safe-wording.
 
Focus.

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Profile   Post #: 30
RE: am i normal? - 5/27/2009 5:26:10 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		You know Focus, normally I agree with you whole heartedly. But here, not so much. See I have anxiety attacks and will stop things in the moment because I'm getting anxious and can't not react to the anxiety. However afterwards I have wondered about what would have happened if he had ignored the anxiety, the panic and kept going. How would I have reacted? Would I have accepted what was happening and transcended the anxiety? Now since he dislikes me having an anxiety attack even more than I do, he never has. But it isn't something I can control in the moment. When the anxiety takes over, I cannot calmly think about things, I just want it over yesterday.

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RE: am i normal? - 5/28/2009 3:32:20 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

You know Focus, normally I agree with you whole heartedly. But here, not so much. See I have anxiety attacks and will stop things in the moment because I'm getting anxious and can't not react to the anxiety. However afterwards I have wondered about what would have happened if he had ignored the anxiety, the panic and kept going. How would I have reacted? Would I have accepted what was happening and transcended the anxiety? Now since he dislikes me having an anxiety attack even more than I do, he never has. But it isn't something I can control in the moment. When the anxiety takes over, I cannot calmly think about things, I just want it over yesterday.

Well you've got me confused, Celeste....  lol
 
My contribution to this topic has pretty much focused on one point, and I quote from the OP...

mienliebte:
>> "I don't want him to back off, I want him to continue and ignore the safe word." <<

Ignore the safe word...!?!
 
Of course there are many other factors which my cause the Dominant to stop prematurely (such as an anxiety attack, for eg) and I acknowledged as much in my last post which you've referred to; predominantly the last paragraph and especially the first sentence of it.  I called such things "grey areas" because that's what they are (a judgement call) when compared to what should be the black and white of a safe-word used by one and respected by the other.
 
I trust that clears things up...?  :-)
 
Focus. 

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Profile   Post #: 32
RE: am i normal? - 5/28/2009 5:34:43 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		My point was as to why she may be using the safe word prematurely, because of those other factors.

What she hasn't mentioned is how long have they been together. Because the odds are it isn;t very long and he's still learning about her. With time, if the relationship lasts he will take it a little more each time and she will be able to take a little more each time until they get to the point where they can do primal play without safewords. But that's a different subject.

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Cynical and proud of it!


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Profile   Post #: 33
RE: am i normal? - 5/28/2009 7:26:04 PM   
Huntertn


Posts: 715
Joined: 10/7/2006
Status: offline 		not good to not use the safe word..How about the use of a good gag so You can't use it..LOLOLOL

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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: am i normal? - 5/29/2009 6:43:30 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

My point was as to why she may be using the safe word prematurely, because of those other factors.

What she hasn't mentioned is how long have they been together. Because the odds are it isn;t very long and he's still learning about her. With time, if the relationship lasts he will take it a little more each time and she will be able to take a little more each time until they get to the point where they can do primal play without safewords. But that's a different subject.

One of those other *possible* factors that I considered was that her safe-word had become a substitute for "No; Stop; Don't" etc.  Common enough words during a play rape that won't stop proceedings, whereas the safe-word should bring everything to a shuddering halt.
 
And I'm certainly not forgetting or thinking that it's all up to the sub to safe-word in a crisis - any *caring* Dom/me will still be alert (and hopefully familiar) if their sub is in trouble, anyway.  Or they should be....  Indeed, there have been occasions I've formally safe-worded myself (as opposed to simply stopping) because of a newbie sub who was struggling but under the delusion that to safe-word was to fail.
 
And for the record, I think safe-words are an excellent emergency tool if used properly - which is why I got into this thread, particularly that "ignore the safe word" comment.  Experience also tells me that safe-words mostly become redundant or irrelevant the longer a relationship flourishes because of the inevitable, mutual familiarity.  Which also makes me think maybe the OP hasn't been together with her Dom too long.  At least he did back off - most safe-word threads seem to be about pissed off subs whose Dom/me did indeed ignore a safe-word regardless....
 
Focus.

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Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

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RE: am i normal? - 5/29/2009 6:51:03 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: chronos1976

You need to get back into the habit of saying "No" and "Stop" etc, because it sounds like you are using your safeword in place of these words. I.e. your safeword has become a paradigm for the word "stop" rather than meaning "The scene ends now".




Two pages of comments and this virtually ignored. The reason many people have safe words is because 'you say no when your eyes mean yes' so I say do this and ignore the customary board bickering.

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RE: am i normal? - 5/29/2009 7:34:58 AM   
GYPZYQUEEN


Posts: 730
Joined: 4/14/2009
Status: offline 		I f you have abuse issues from the past ..don't do this until they are dealt with...
 
 
GQ

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Profile   Post #: 37
RE: am i normal? - 5/29/2009 7:39:18 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GYPZYQUEEN

I f you have abuse issues from the past ..don't do this until they are dealt with...


GQ



Hmm not always true, I know a lot of people with abuse issues from the past who enjoy rape play because they do actually have control over it thus allowing them to reclaim their experience. To be honest how can we ever know if we have 'dealt' with any of our issues


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I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

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RE: am i normal? - 5/29/2009 3:33:04 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin


quote:

ORIGINAL: chronos1976

You need to get back into the habit of saying "No" and "Stop" etc, because it sounds like you are using your safeword in place of these words. I.e. your safeword has become a paradigm for the word "stop" rather than meaning "The scene ends now".

Two pages of comments and this virtually ignored. The reason many people have safe words is because 'you say no when your eyes mean yes' so I say do this and ignore the customary board bickering.

I think just because it hasn't necessarily been laid in tiny little dolly steps is not to say this has been *ignored*.  I spelt it out in my previous post (granted, from the respective time stamps, it may not have been up when you started composng your comment) and I alluded to it in my opening post on page 1, albeit from the perspective that "of all the things you cry out, you can't be using (abusing?) the safeword".
 
And what's wrong with a bit of "bickering"?  Considering this is a discussion board of mostly strangers, it seems to me occasional passion and energy gets to the heart of a matter a whole bunch quicker and cleaner than when everything is all polite, bland and biege....
 
Focus.

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Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

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RE: am i normal? - 5/29/2009 3:48:52 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50
all bland and biege...

Hey hey... I happen to like beige. Beige works for me. It's my nature. Who are you to judge my colorstyle choices? Who let the color nazi's in here anyway?

(sorry, I just couldn't resist a little bickering myself)


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I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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Profile   Post #: 40
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