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Having Boundaries - 5/23/2009 4:21:52 PM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline 		It doesn't necessarily mean you have insecurities does it? Can't it be a way of expressing self awareness, or something like that? Any insight would be appreciated. 

< Message edited by breatheasone -- 5/23/2009 4:51:15 PM >

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RE: Having Bounderies - 5/23/2009 4:26:26 PM   
oceanwinds


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quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

It doesn't necessarily mean you have insecurities does it? Can't it be a way of expressing self awareness, or something like that? Any insight would be appreciated. 


If i may, i believe boundaries are one of the healthest things a person can have for themselves. In my 30's, yep ages ago, i attended Codependency 12 step-program, and discovered the world of boundaries. Also there is a saying, that is on one of my Native American Animal cards, but i forgot the animal, sorry. A person should draw three circles, 1 the inner circle is what you will permit in your life, the middle circle you will think about permitting and the outer circle is what you will not permit. I have lived by that for a long time.

Boundaries are a great thing.

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RE: Having Bounderies - 5/23/2009 4:29:44 PM   
breatheasone


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Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline 		Thank you for your input.

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RE: Having Bounderies - 5/23/2009 4:35:36 PM   
oceanwinds


Posts: 530
Status: offline 		You are welcome. Boundaries is a major thing for me and one topic i have lectured on for many years. Even during the time of setting the blueprints for a woman's shelter, i was talking about it. i can go on for ever with that topic, but i will leave space for others to chime in.

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I know where I came from and where I am today. I am forever grateful to all that touched my life. Thank you all and especially you, Goddess.

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RE: Having Bounderies - 5/23/2009 4:40:03 PM   
leadership527


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quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone
It doesn't necessarily mean you have insecurities does it? Can't it be a way of expressing self awareness, or something like that? Any insight would be appreciated. 

I kind of just think boundaries are 'things I don't want to do'. I don't read much more into it than that unless the boundaries are in and of themselves ridiculous. All of us have boundaries... myself and Carol included despite ostensibly being in a no-limits relationship. In general, my feeling is that the need to discuss boundaries is more prevalent the less secure the relationship is. But that's not a bad thing.. it happens in all new relationships and for other reasons, not all of them unhealthy.

There is a huge difference between not having boundaries and not having a need to discuss them though.


_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: Having Bounderies - 5/23/2009 4:41:05 PM   
Drakontos


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Joined: 5/20/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

It doesn't necessarily mean you have insecurities does it? Can't it be a way of expressing self awareness, or something like that? Any insight would be appreciated. 

This is Drakontos

Boundaries in life are unavoidable; there is no way that anyone can get away from at some time, having some kind of boundary that they will not cross. However, to my thinking, some boundaries become blocks that should be overcome or overstepped for the simple reason that they are keeping a person from attainig their full potential.

There are things that I will not do. There are things that I will not allow zaphira to do. Yet, there are also things that I will force myself to do; just as there are things that I will force zaphira to do. Not because I am 'beating on my chest and crying me Master' but because forcing those issues is healthy and promotes growth.

With zaphira, I am the one who places her boundaries and makes the decision of whether or not we will cross them. Zaphira has an unhealthy habit of not being able to say no; because of this, I am the one who says yes or no in regards to boundaries that she may have.
In the three years that she has been in my home, she has gotten slightly better at placing her own boundaries and sticking to them; but it still does not change the fact that her first instinct is to never say no.

With all that said; there are things that she is required to do that she does not like doing and will never like doing. It matters little to me so long as she does it without question. Not because I am so insecure that I need a mindless robot to carry out any and all orders; but because everything that is done, is done with a specific goal in mind. I could care less about what I get out of it when I push her past those boundaries; what matters to me is having property that is healthy; physically, mentally, emotionally, and psychologically.

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zaphira

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RE: Having Bounderies - 5/23/2009 4:43:59 PM   
ExSteelAgain


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Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
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quote:

ORIGINAL: oceanwinds
A person should draw three circles, 1 the inner circle is what you will permit in your life, the middle circle you will think about permitting and the outer circle is what you will not permit. I have lived by that for a long time.
Boundaries are a great thing.


Oceanwinds, a good way to look at things. Circles show you where to focus your energy. If you focus your energy outside your circle you are going to be uncomfortable because you have decided your morals and values are being violated. You can think outside the circle now and then, but don't focus there. You can even use those outside things in fantasy play to elicit a response, but don't linger on them as goals. Explain it to your partners and to yourself just like that. This is only fantasy placy ouside the box...circle.

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RE: Having Bounderies - 5/23/2009 4:46:20 PM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline 		Everyone has boundaries. Even the most abjectly submissive individual has something that defines "self", and that is a boundary separating the individual from the world. Knowing and respecting ones own boundaries is crucial to choosing healthy partners, and enforcing ones boundaries marks the parameters of a healthy relationship. Boundaries are the foundation of our 'limits', and also define the scope of where one person ends and another begins, which is crucial to any healthy relationship. Subsuming ones boundaries into another person is part of the process of submission, and establishing the point, within oneself, beyond which one will not yield reinforces identity and protects identity in a process that can become intensely diffusive.

Yes, having boundaries is a healthy thing. Only if the boundaries one sets limit ones capacity to grow and progress in the directions one has chosen do they become an issue and perhaps require a bit of work to figure out whether what is being called a 'boundary' is actually a habit or crutch.

Dame Calla

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Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

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RE: Having Bounderies - 5/23/2009 4:50:28 PM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL:Leadership527,
I kind of just think boundaries are 'things I don't want to do'. I don't read much more into it than that unless the boundaries are in and of themselves ridiculous. All of us have boundaries... myself and Carol included despite ostensibly being in a no-limits relationship. In general, my feeling is that the need to discuss boundaries is more prevalent the less secure the relationship is. But that's not a bad thing.. it happens in all new relationships and for other reasons, not all of them unhealthy.

There is a huge difference between not having boundaries and not having a need to discuss them though.

Thanks for your reply, but i am a little confused. You said the need to discuss boundaries is more prevalent in a insecure relationship, then you say thats not a bad thing. i guess i thought being insecure WAS a bad thing, or at least something that needs fixing.


_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
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RE: Having Bounderies - 5/23/2009 4:56:48 PM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

Thanks for your reply, but i am a little confused. You said the need to discuss boundaries is more prevalent in a insecure relationship, then you say thats not a bad thing. i guess i thought being insecure WAS a bad thing, or at least something that needs fixing.



"Insecure" implies uncertainty. When we're uncertain, it makes -sense- to establish a solid framework from which to explore. We hook "safety lines" to our lives, so that we can figure out what we're dealing with. The only time insecurity should be a problem is if it continues in a situation where we -know- we should be able to let go, but can't, and not being able to move forward is keeping us from becoming the person that we wish to become. In that case, it stops being an insecurity and becomes an 'issue'. Issues need to be dealt with before they inhibit our growth, but insecurity is a natural state when we are uncertain and establishing that framework.

Dame Calla

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

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RE: Having Bounderies - 5/23/2009 4:57:22 PM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL:Drakontos,
Boundaries in life are unavoidable; there is no way that anyone can get away from at some time, having some kind of boundary that they will not cross. However, to my thinking, some boundaries become blocks that should be overcome or overstepped for the simple reason that they are keeping a person from attainig their full potential.

There are things that I will not do. There are things that I will not allow zaphira to do. Yet, there are also things that I will force myself to do; just as there are things that I will force zaphira to do. Not because I am 'beating on my chest and crying me Master' but because forcing those issues is healthy and promotes growth.

With zaphira, I am the one who places her boundaries and makes the decision of whether or not we will cross them. Zaphira has an unhealthy habit of not being able to say no; because of this, I am the one who says yes or no in regards to boundaries that she may have.
In the three years that she has been in my home, she has gotten slightly better at placing her own boundaries and sticking to them; but it still does not change the fact that her first instinct is to never say no.

With all that said; there are things that she is required to do that she does not like doing and will never like doing. It matters little to me so long as she does it without question. Not because I am so insecure that I need a mindless robot to carry out any and all orders; but because everything that is done, is done with a specific goal in mind. I could care less about what I get out of it when I push her past those boundaries; what matters to me is having property that is healthy; physically, mentally, emotionally, and psychologically.

i'm confused ....


_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
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RE: Having Bounderies - 5/23/2009 4:58:22 PM   
Drakontos


Posts: 167
Joined: 5/20/2009
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quote:

Insecure" implies uncertainty. When we're uncertain, it makes -sense- to establish a solid framework from which to explore. We hook "safety lines" to our lives, so that we can figure out what we're dealing with. The only time insecurity should be a problem is if it continues in a situation where we -know- we should be able to let go, but can't, and not being able to move forward is keeping us from becoming the person that we wish to become. In that case, it stops being an insecurity and becomes an 'issue'. Issues need to be dealt with before they inhibit our growth, but insecurity is a natural state when we are uncertain and establishing that framework.

Dame Calla

I would second what was written here.

Insecurities are not strictly a 'bad thing' unless they begin to hold a person back. Then they become unhealthy.

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Drakontos
zaphira

Live with honor; serve with grace and beauty

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RE: Having Bounderies - 5/23/2009 4:59:36 PM   
Drakontos


Posts: 167
Joined: 5/20/2009
Status: offline
quote:

i'm confused ....

What are you confused about?

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Drakontos
zaphira

Live with honor; serve with grace and beauty

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RE: Having Bounderies - 5/23/2009 5:05:08 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		Let me try to clarify then breatheasone.

Here are some situations in which I would see appropriate and healthy insecurity.

a) It's a new relationship. People are still finding their way with each other. There are more questions than answers. The relationship itself may not even last. ALL relationships go through this period and it is not a bad thing. How different to Carol and I were the collar came into play after we'd already been a couple for more than a decade. Honestly, what would we have actually discussed that we didn't already know *laughs*.

b) The relationship has gone through some sort of indirect trauma... Perhaps a lot of business travel from one partner so there has been much separation. Again, it would be natural in such a situation for things to no longer be as solid as they once were.

c) The relationship has been directly harmed by one of the participants -- perhaps some sort of lying or cheating? So now it is insecure and appropriately so. If this were to happen between Carol and I could see how it would result in a renewed focus on things like boundaries (along with a great many other topics).

I would call insecurity in a relationship a bad thing when it happens without reason... strictly becasue of the fears of one or the other participants and a lack of communication to dispel those fears. But in normal life, situations come and go and the relationship changes because of them. Even happy wonderful relationships go through their down times... given long enough... eventually a very down time. A bit of insecurity and perhaps some circling of the wagons to refocus on the team seems like perfectly healthy and appropriate behavior.

I'm also happy to extoll the virtues of fear in very limited quantities. Fear within reason keeps us sharp and attentive. It's a good and healthy survival instinct. It's only when taken to excess that it becomes crippling and produces negative results. So yeah, I fear every day that I will blow it somehow and lose what I have with Carol. Not a lot. But enough not to take it all for granted either.

There is no such thing as a 'negative emotion', only emotions that produce undesireable results in the context in which they play out.

The important point I really wanted to make though is that in my opinion, having boundaries is what sane people do. Whether they need to be discussed within the context of any given relationship is what's open to question. I would assume it is much more pressing to have these discussions in a one week old relationship than a 2 decade old relationship.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: Having Boundaries - 5/23/2009 5:30:47 PM   
SlaveBlutarsky


Posts: 491
Joined: 10/10/2005
From: Upstate, NY
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quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

It doesn't necessarily mean you have insecurities does it? Can't it be a way of expressing self awareness, or something like that? Any insight would be appreciated. 


Not at all. I think having boundaries is more healthy than not in a lot of cases. Obviously they can signify insecurities, but not always. I don't have a lot of things I'm insecure about, but have a few boundaries that I expect people to respect.


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RE: Having Boundaries - 5/23/2009 5:42:06 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I'd be afraid of people who said they have no boundaries.

To me that would mean they would do absolutely anything and really...either the person is delusional, roleplaying or a criminal of the most dangerous sorts.

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RE: Having Bounderies - 5/23/2009 6:25:41 PM   
breatheasone


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Status: offline 		i had highlighted it in red. Its seems theres some (what i perceive) inconsistent statements. i could just be missing something, and thats entirely possible. Was just asking, didn't want to assume anything.

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RE: Having Bounderies - 5/23/2009 6:29:25 PM   
Drakontos


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quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

i had highlighted it in red. Its seems theres some (what i perceive) inconsistent statements. i could just be missing something, and thats entirely possible. Was just asking, didn't want to assume anything.

I read your highlighted remarks. However, to avoid confusion, if you are confused about something that I stated, then state it clearly instead of just saying 'I am confused"

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Drakontos
zaphira

Live with honor; serve with grace and beauty

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RE: Having Bounderies - 5/23/2009 6:31:14 PM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline 		Thank you for your thoughts SlaveBlutarsky and littlewonder.

Thank you for the clarity Leadership527,


_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
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RE: Having Bounderies - 5/23/2009 6:36:25 PM   
army101


Posts: 42
Joined: 5/2/2009
Status: offline 		Simply put, boundries keep us safe and secure. from anything we dont like(certain kinks) and safe from things we know that can bring us severe harm or injury!

Like always now the other persons current health esp as far as STDs go okay?

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