RE: Shouldn't a submissive try to top from the bottom?

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RE: Shouldn't a submissive try to top from the bottom? - 5/26/2009 5:24:00 PM

Andalusite

Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero
This is essentially an offshoot thread to a recent one started by DemonKia about how well "testing" is received (which strikes me as interesting as more people seem comfortable with the same premise made here, just being described in a different way). And while I argued, there, that such testing, when put into play at the beginning of the interaction phase between two people, can help uncover compatibilities, I made specific mention that such testing becomes an attempt at covert manipulation once the relationship has started.

I think you're referring to my thread, http://www.collarchat.com/m_2619693/tm.htm since Kia's was more about expecting someone who she shares her vulnerabilities with to reciprocate, rather than about "testing" and such in general.

The only sense in which I've deliberately "topped from the bottom" is literally thwacking them to their specifications, which obviously won't happen unless they tell me to do so. It is important to me to be able to give feedback and make polite, respectful requests. So far, I haven't been accused of topping from the bottom when I've done so, but I've seen some people here post about their partner doing so, as agirl described. I didn't take it as her disliking intellectuals, but rather that whether or not she is submissive enough is between her and her partner, not something that those outside of their relationship have a right to express an opinion about.

I think that dominants who are that focused on or worried about their submissive "topping from the bottom" come across as insecure and uncertain in their dominance. It isn't necessarily a "red flag" or dealbreaker, but I would want to discuss with them what their needs/requirements were in terms of communication and feedback. I do a certain amount of exploration of reactions/interaction with any man I date, regardless of D/s orientation, but not in a covert or manipulative way. I do need to build trust in smaller steps, and get to know someone slowly, before making a commitment to them, whether or not it involves D/s.

To the OP, your example comes across to me as mildly bratty, which could be playful (not a problem) or just a reminder that it's better to have an estimate of the time you need to accomplish something before asking! While it's possible to speak in a snarky tone or with poor choice of words that comes across badly, without deliberately intending disrespect, I think that it is important to *be* mindful of both tone and word choice, especially in potentially negative circumstances. Again, if I had a submissive who said something that came across that way, I would stay calm, ask for clarification, and ask them to try to express their emotions in a more constructive way. If I spoke that way to my partner (especially if he were dominant, but even if he were submissive or we were in an egalitarian kinky relationship), I'd be pretty mortified! Of course, everyone gets upset sometimes, and I'm no exception, but I try to have enough self-control to be able to bring it up to him without being nasty or bratty.

< Message edited by Andalusite -- 5/26/2009 5:36:16 PM >

(in reply to NihilusZero)