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Is it still cheating? - 5/26/2009 11:02:13 AM   
WiseCracknSadist


Posts: 163
Joined: 10/27/2006
Status: offline 		Is it still cheating if you tell your partner your not monogamus, make every attempt to be honest and forth coming, and they disagree, refuse to participate, and you follow your instincts and sleep with someone else?

Is it cheating if you do all this and they decide to stay knowing you could and probably will do it again?

Is it?
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RE: Is it still cheating? - 5/26/2009 11:12:34 AM   
subtlebutterfly


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From: Not your hood
Status: offline 		Yes because then apparently you're incompatible and shouldn't be dating in the first place if this's such a complete dealbreaker.

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RE: Is it still cheating? - 5/26/2009 11:14:47 AM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		I wouldn't call it cheating... not smart would be my opinion.  Someone not mono getting together with someone who is, is asking for trouble.  Without dicussing it until there is some sort of understanding, a lot of things may be assumed.  It isn't a free get out of jail card because the person told them they weren't mono and shouldn't expect them to be.  It also isn't okay to be with a poly person and expect them to be mono.  Plain and simple... anyone leaving an important issue like this unresolved... is most likely going to suffer for that lack in communication that leads to a conclusion they both can live with.

Playing it any other way... I guess I will change my mind... it is cheating... cheating both people and themselves... by both people.    

< Message edited by Lockit -- 5/26/2009 11:15:43 AM >

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RE: Is it still cheating? - 5/26/2009 11:21:25 AM   
sheerslave


Posts: 4
Status: offline 		I say no, it's not cheating. All we have in any type of relationship is honesty. If you have been honest in all the information, letting the other person know exactly where you stand within the realm of said relationship. After looking within if they don't like the ground rules, they are more then able to leave and find another that fits their moral code better. They are not tied to you in anyway to conform or stay or try to change you to fit their needs.

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RE: Is it still cheating? - 5/26/2009 11:23:35 AM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: WiseCracknSadist

Is it still cheating if you tell your partner your not monogamus, make every attempt to be honest and forth coming, and they disagree, refuse to participate, and you follow your instincts and sleep with someone else?

Is it cheating if you do all this and they decide to stay knowing you could and probably will do it again?

Is it?


Yes, it is still cheating, because although you told your partner, that individual made it clear that xhe required a monogamous relationship in order to remain in the relationship, and if you could not accept that, you should not have accepted the relationship. What is at stake here is a -core- dishonesty, in accepting and entering into a relationship under false pretenses, and to be fair, this is a core dishonesty that occurred on -both- sides of this relationship. If your companion had no intention of allowing you to -be- poly as you told her you were, she should not have accepted being in a relationship with you. In the same way, if you had no intention of giving her the monogamous relationship she required, then you should have gone your own way. Now that you're -in- the relationship, you're bound to either abide by its rules, or declare incompatibility and leave with integrity and your dignity..

Further, while you were honest and straightforward, you agreed, by entering into the relationship, to participate in a monogamous relationship with  this person. If you then turn around and change the rules and do what you please, even if you are brutally honest about it before, during, and after, but you go ahead and do what you want after your companion has made it clear that xhe cannot accept your breach of the compact you made with hir, that is still cheating. Until you come to mutually acceptable terms, it is unethical to move forward, no matter how much you -want- to do so... if you cannot come to terms, then it is time to let go of the illusion before doing irreparable damage to your own ethical framework -and- the other person in the relationship.

The only way that it is NOT cheating is if you:

1. Give full disclosure to your companion(s) [this part you did]
2. Your partner(s) accept(s), under terms that are mutually negotiated, that you will be entering into another relationship [your partner did -not- give this acceptance]
3. You participate with the new person under the terms agreed upon by you and your existing companion(s) [you did not abide by this step]

Dame Calla

< Message edited by CallaFirestormBW -- 5/26/2009 11:46:21 AM >

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RE: Is it still cheating? - 5/26/2009 11:27:01 AM   
IronBear


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From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		In my book provided the other person/partner is made clearly aware of the situation. That he or she remains is a tacit agreement of the other's poly way of life. each party has a pair of feet which they can use any time and probably access to a good divorce lawyer too. 

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RE: Is it still cheating? - 5/26/2009 11:31:07 AM   
Mezrem


Posts: 311
Joined: 11/12/2007
Status: offline 		Yep it's cheating.. if your s/o does not know and approve then it's out of bounds. To continue on like nothing happened will just mean when it happens again you will just be in for another trip down the "you are cheating" roller coaster.

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RE: Is it still cheating? - 5/26/2009 11:37:18 AM   
breatheasone


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Another vote for yes.


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RE: Is it still cheating? - 5/26/2009 11:44:15 AM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WiseCracknSadist

Is it still cheating if you tell your partner your not monogamus, make every attempt to be honest and forth coming, and they disagree, refuse to participate, and you follow your instincts and sleep with someone else?

Is it cheating if you do all this and they decide to stay knowing you could and probably will do it again?

Is it?


I wouldn't call the act itself cheating, I would call it foolish to enter a relationship where both participants are incompatible.

The smart choice would have been to tell the other person before you got serious that you are not willing to be monogamous. It might have hurt but possibly not quite as much as seeing the relationship go to pieces because what each of you wants seems to be fundamentally different.

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RE: Is it still cheating? - 5/26/2009 11:52:50 AM   
Ladyraven82


Posts: 4
Joined: 11/24/2006
Status: offline 		It sounds like he told her he was not willing to be monogamous, and she didn't like the idea but still wanted to stay in the relationship.  I can see how this would cause a lot of arguments and trouble for the relationship, but no one is lying here.  She has to decide if she's willing to stay in that kind of relationship.

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RE: Is it still cheating? - 5/26/2009 12:00:32 PM   
barelynangel


Posts: 6233
Status: offline 		Did you tell the person that you were going to have sex with someone before you did it -- sorry instincts is a crap excuse lol and to me is what married men tell their wives who they got caught screwing around on.  But honey, i just couldn't help it -- it was instinct, that's why it happened or i didnt tell you?  Or did you say to yourself, well i told him/her i was a poly person so i don't HAVE to tell her/him before i do it and I am just going to do it and deal with it after the fact.  I would say you know the answer to this and if you have to ask you probably know what you did was wrong, if this is what you did.

Whether or not you to agree, the fact is you DISAGREE.  Which means staying could mean any understanding between the two of you that each of you come up with but don't TALK about to come to an understanding.  Therefore, you also had a choice of NOT staying in the relationship without a concrete okay or determination of you will have sex outside of the relationship.   You don't just do it anyway because it seems like you have this idea -- well they stayed with me knowing it could happen as consent of it being okay, for all you know they presumed you staying in the relationship meant you would work to be monagomous.  

The way you word your post rubs me the wrong way and makes me believe you are using her/him sticking around to indicate agreement to your "instincts."  You also have an obligation to the relationship and if you are aware you are not compatible in something this important, you have an obligation to end it just as much as your partner does.

You seem to be putting it off on your partner to be the responsible person -- instead of yourself.  Your responsibility to the relationship goes farther than you saying -- but i told her.  You are also responsible to make decisions for the relationship.

I think it was dishonest -- he/she told you they were monagomous, you said you weren't.  YOU stayed in the relationship and to me that on some level meant you agreed to what they stated IF you are trying to turn around and said their staying meant they agreed to what you stated.

angel

< Message edited by barelynangel -- 5/26/2009 12:11:13 PM >

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RE: Is it still cheating? - 5/26/2009 12:23:29 PM   
NorthernGent


Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WiseCracknSadist

make every attempt to be honest and forth coming



Depends what this means?

Where it means: "I'm gonna fuck other women".....then fair enough.

Where it means: "I love you and I really don't want to do this - but you know what I'm like and though I'll try not to I can't help myself - but please remember it's all for you".....then that's another matter.

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RE: Is it still cheating? - 5/26/2009 12:42:40 PM   
Fitznicely


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline 		~FR~

In their mind it is cheating....and that's all that matters. Asking for validation on a forum with many poly's isn't going to justify it.

Should they stay, you have to deal with the knowledge that you're dating someone who feels cheated, cheapened and doormatted.

If this is all about an event that's already happened, well done you, more "damaged goods" for their next SO to deal with. If it's not, take my advice - don't.

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RE: Is it still cheating? - 5/26/2009 12:43:40 PM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		many of us have to sow our wild oats and dont have the capability of staying with one partner.

the grass is always greener type of thing.

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RE: Is it still cheating? - 5/26/2009 12:53:15 PM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pahunkboy

many of us have to sow our wild oats and dont have the capability of staying with one partner.

the grass is always greener type of thing.



The solution to this is to stay out of relationships that would require hurting a partner-of-choice in order to examine the grass next door. If you -know- you have to examine the grass next door, then when someone comes along and says "Hey, you're cute-- but you have to stay in OUR yard if I'm going to take you home as -my- pet!"...and you KNOW you're going to have to be over that fence just as soon as the back door gets left open... Just Say No!

Dame Calla


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RE: Is it still cheating? - 5/26/2009 1:04:05 PM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		I am past the having to have everything in the candy store stage.

Tho- I am also too selfish to share my space with someone else. 

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RE: Is it still cheating? - 5/26/2009 2:45:45 PM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		I think the whole situation is just kinda weird, and is simply that, your partner wants you all to herself and you want to sleep with other women as well as her.

You're both entitled to want what you want.  The only way I'd call it "cheating" is if you had committed to and have been in a monogamous relationship with her, and then you suddenly decided you wanted more sex partners.  In this case, since she's not in agreement with your desires, it probably would have been wiser to end the relationship altogether before venturing out.  But if she has always been simply one of the women you sleep with, you've NEVER agreed to be monogamous, but she decided you should be monogamous with her and you've refused all along, then no, I wouldn't call it cheating.

Thing is, you and guys who basically WANT multiple sex partners aren't a minority, far from it. It's inborn, you're wired that way.  And if you want to do this, fine.  But don't commit to some kind of "relationship" with someone and then decide you want to spread the love around.   Break it off first.


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RE: Is it still cheating? - 5/26/2009 3:02:32 PM   
Viridana


Posts: 754
Status: offline 		Yes it is. If the third party fucking isn't approved by all parties, it is a violation of intimacy and henceforth cheating. 

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RE: Is it still cheating? - 5/26/2009 3:17:07 PM   
GrizzlyBear


Posts: 278
Joined: 3/26/2004
From: Missoula Montana
Status: offline 		I agree with windchymes.  It doesn't fit my definition of cheating, unless you have lied to her about it, either outright or by implication.  So it may not be cheating, but it's cruel and selfish.  By doing this you are also probably enabling someone who is seeking co-dependence.

You, my friend, are what we used to call a hound dog.

Stick to partners that share your predilection.


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They said, "We are afraid."
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RE: Is it still cheating? - 5/26/2009 3:23:34 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		It's not cheating. They're completely aware of it.

I'd say it makes no sense why you're together though. Someone's gonna get hurt.

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