Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

What do you do when your Master says he loves you too much to hurt you?


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> What do you do when your Master says he loves you too much to hurt you? Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
What do you do when your Master says he loves you too m... - 2/8/2006 9:19:51 AM   
mastersslave32


Posts: 4
Joined: 2/8/2006
Status: offline 		My master brought me into this lifestyle 4 yrs. ago. The extremity of our D/s relationship had continued to escalate untill now. Over the last few months there has been little to no Domination or BDSM in my life. I finally had to ask "why"? He replied that he loved me too much to hurt me. Can anyone give me insight or instruction on how to get back on track?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: What do you do when your Master says he loves you t... - 2/8/2006 9:36:17 AM   
Kinkypupper


Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline 		Find a kink friendly counselor ??

Honestly tho You both need to sit down and have a open communication about your and his needs.


_____________________________

Phil Moulton
A Sensual Touch
Locopony Racing
Portland Oregon

(in reply to mastersslave32)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: What do you do when your Master says he loves you t... - 2/8/2006 9:50:25 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Time and exposure. Get to know other people in the scene so he can be exposed to how others enjoy it and work within it.

What happened in his other relationships? Why is he facing this obstacle right now? Does he WANT to hurt you?

Most sadists need time to come to terms with their desires and work through their conditioning. Be patient, give him exposure and he will either reconcile or not.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to mastersslave32)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: What do you do when your Master says he loves you t... - 2/8/2006 11:19:16 AM   
Kinkerkink


Posts: 8
Joined: 10/22/2005
Status: offline 		I am with Lucky on this one. When I first met my partner, I was not into pain at all, and she really enjoys a good spanking. This was hard for me to adjust to, and it took time for me to become comfortable that what to me would hurt, for her was intensely pleasurable. Much of this had to do with my concern for her, not wishing to hurt someone that I care deeply about, even unintentionally.
Literally, it took getting her to use a safe word to convince me that in fact she would, if it became too much for her. Now that I am confident that she will in fact "safe" with me, I am far more comfortable giving her the spanking that she craves. And to be honest, my desire to spank and punish her in various ways has also grown through the process. However, that has everything to do with her needs and desires.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: What do you do when your Master says he loves you t... - 2/8/2006 11:48:30 AM   
mastersslave32


Posts: 4
Joined: 2/8/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Time and exposure. Get to know other people in the scene so he can be exposed to how others enjoy it and work within it.

What happened in his other relationships? Why is he facing this obstacle right now? Does he WANT to hurt you?

Most sadists need time to come to terms with their desires and work through their conditioning. Be patient, give him exposure and he will either reconcile or not.


(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: What do you do when your Master says he loves you t... - 2/8/2006 11:57:32 AM   
mastersslave32


Posts: 4
Joined: 2/8/2006
Status: offline 		he brought me into bdsm and previously enjoyed testing my limits and my obedience with great zealous. Now we talk about his day, snuggle and have what he used to call B-flat sex. My confusion lies in the sudden change of desire and recession from Dominance.

(in reply to mastersslave32)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: What do you do when your Master says he loves you t... - 2/8/2006 12:05:33 PM   
Troubleinparadis


Posts: 55
Joined: 2/7/2006
From: Tulsa, Ok
Status: offline 		If He were Me, I would say Congradulations, regardles of what words he has said before....your Master has now full head over heals fallen in love with you.

I would guess your the first submissive he has ever fallen in love with, I would go farther and say he probably has loved a nilla woman before....He is now confused about his feelings and his "kink".

I would suggest you shower him with obediance and submission (if you dont already) and slowly gently ask him (beg if he likes that) to do xxx or yyy to you FOR you.....stress how it makes you feel good, and makes you feel loved, makes you feel close to him etc...start small like clamps on your nips while you cuddle....(or whatever) and then move up to a gentle flogging/spanking etc....

keep going until, your at your limits or he is....And allways communicate with him...tell him what why and how you want to serve him.

Good Luck

(in reply to mastersslave32)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: What do you do when your Master says he loves you t... - 2/8/2006 12:18:36 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mastersslave32

he brought me into bdsm and previously enjoyed testing my limits and my obedience with great zealous. Now we talk about his day, snuggle and have what he used to call B-flat sex. My confusion lies in the sudden change of desire and recession from Dominance.

You'd have to ask him, and you should.

Many doms go through a burn-out period. They have run too hard and too fast and wear themselves out, they lose their balance and just need a break.

With time and discussion, he can find his balance again. One always hopes he will return to his previous zeal...but obviously this might just be where he's happy now.

Has his diet changed? Are his other moods changed? Did he go through some serious life change recently? Is he active in other areas of life? Has his behavior changed towards his family as well? All these are signals that something deeper is going on.

I reiterate the need to give him time and communicate. Your question is extremely common, in both kink and vanilla relationships. Relationships go through phases, ups and downs, the issue is to navigate them together and find a place where you are both being fulfilled.

Talk to him.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to mastersslave32)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: What do you do when your Master says he loves you t... - 2/8/2006 12:23:51 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		Greetings Folks, Fellas, Females and Bald Headed Babies

I can understand and empathise with the Master in this case. When I was first introduced to Gor and after quite some time gradually introduced to BDSM, I still had reservations regarding the giving of pain other than punishment. I was lucky with having people both on line and face to face who were able to guide me and assist me in justifying the "Play" areas on the lifestyle as well as getting over my mountainous barriers I had errected due to past physical experiences in the hands of professionals.

My thoughts are in favour of patience, good counsellig by experienced lifestyle people whom you know and trusk and patience... patience ... patience. If your relationship is good then it is worth investing a little time and effort. God knows it took me long enough to get the message that some slaves love and will beg for the pleasure of having their hides flogged till they were glowing and probably as horney as all hell.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to Troubleinparadis)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: What do you do when your Master says he loves you t... - 2/8/2006 12:47:16 PM   
mastersslave32


Posts: 4
Joined: 2/8/2006
Status: offline 		thank you... all of you!!! i believe i understand what you're telling me. He has been under a great deal of emotional strain, a 2 yr. divorce coming to it's conclusion. i should be more understanding. There is also validity in his having never loved his subs. i believe i am the first trully submissive slave he has owned, the others took it for a game. In the end it's the relationship i want to save and more communication has to be the key. Thank you again.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: What do you do when your Master says he loves you t... - 2/8/2006 5:00:46 PM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline 		Well I dont know about you all, but it seems very strange to me that after 4 years he suddenly says "i love you too much to hurt you" and sex has become lack-lustre. I think something else is going on...could be just stress...but those"i love you too much to hurt you " words just dont seem to fit the picture to me given the time frames involved.

(in reply to mastersslave32)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: What do you do when your Master says he loves you t... - 2/8/2006 6:56:42 PM   
Troubleinparadis


Posts: 55
Joined: 2/7/2006
From: Tulsa, Ok
Status: offline 		I was reading the topic names and saw this one again (I had posted above).

and thought...

What do you do when your Master says he loves you too much to hurt you? Flip him on the nose and ask him sweetly do you still? then flip him again harder and smile sexy, keep count bet you dont reach 3!

(in reply to mastersslave32)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: What do you do when your Master says he loves you t... - 2/8/2006 7:57:25 PM   
foxglove716


Posts: 648
Joined: 7/4/2005
Status: offline 		Well good, Im glad to hear that he loves you too much to hurt you, because it would be a little upsetting if he didnt!

But Im with slavejali, it sounds like theres something else going on. It might be a rut, the natural ebb and flow of sexual relationships, but maybe theres a reason. Was there a change in his life when the BDSM started to wane?

_____________________________

Illusion is the first of all pleasures. -Oscar Wilde

(in reply to mastersslave32)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: What do you do when your Master says he loves you t... - 2/8/2006 8:15:48 PM   
Sensualips


Posts: 1013
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline 		Perhaps having a conversation about hurt vs harm? Discussing you like, crave, need the hurt...but you know he would never harm you?

I don't have any suggestions other than the great advice already offered. But I have a suggestion on what NOT to do - don't "act up," try to anger him, and encourage him to hurt you as a reaction.

(in reply to mastersslave32)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: What do you do when your Master says he loves you t... - 2/8/2006 8:25:32 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline 		This has been a problem for me, Hubby is very afraid of hurting me.

Here's an old thread on this.

can love get in the way

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to mastersslave32)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: What do you do when your Master says he loves you t... - 2/8/2006 9:00:53 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejali

Well I dont know about you all, but it seems very strange to me that after 4 years he suddenly says "i love you too much to hurt you" and sex has become lack-lustre. I think something else is going on...could be just stress...but those"i love you too much to hurt you " words just dont seem to fit the picture to me given the time frames involved.


I also find it an important point that he's just NOW finally becoming divorced, which means all of his other Ds relationships have been as affairs. Now he's facing actual commitment just as he started with his wife. I think a good long discussion about whether he really wants to be single, as a dom, with a sub, is where he wants his life to be right now. Otherwise he will just end up repeating the mistakes he made with his wife.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to slavejali)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: What do you do when your Master says he loves you t... - 2/8/2006 9:12:23 PM   
DiannaVesta


Posts: 1087
Joined: 2/6/2006
From: Mid-Atlantic area
Status: offline 		I don't know... you see if I really like/love someone and I know I can make them hard/wet by hurting them then BRING ME THAT WHIP! I'm not really a sadist, per se although I have a lot of experience. My thing is CONTROL so if hurting, manipluating all pushes the right buttons then I'm with that program.

It sounds like he bored or something else is going on. This can start to happen after a few years. I agree with other advice here to surround yourself with other scene couples, maybe go to some events or send him here to read the Ask the Masters forum.

DV

_____________________________



(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: What do you do when your Master says he loves you t... - 2/8/2006 9:39:15 PM   
Evanesce


Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

Well I dont know about you all, but it seems very strange to me that after 4 years he suddenly says "i love you too much to hurt you" and sex has become lack-lustre. I think something else is going on...could be just stress...but those"i love you too much to hurt you " words just dont seem to fit the picture to me given the time frames involved.


Odds are, it's been a gradual decline in the pain/sex arena over the last few years, with the most marked decline over the few months the OP mentioned. Been there, still dealing with it. "I'm afraid I'll hurt you and you'll leave," has been said to me by more than one dominant partner.

One thing a loving Master needs to remember is that if he really does love his slave or submissive, then he will give her what she needs BECAUSE he loves her - not in spite of it. Mine took a little while to learn that. He was cruel to me when He did not love me, and I was in heaven. But when love entered the picture, it really screwed up our power dynamic. We've mostly gotten that back, but it's taken nearly three years and a few harsh words to get there.

Talk to him. Find out WHY he fears "hurting" you, and make sure he understands exactly what you need in order to FEEL submissive. Most importantly, make sure he knows, without question, that "hurting" you is not going to make you leave him. It's going to take (a lot of) work to get back what you've lost, but you CAN do it... if you both make the effort.


_____________________________

Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich


(in reply to slavejali)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: What do you do when your Master says he loves you t... - 2/8/2006 10:05:48 PM   
FangsNfeet


Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

He replied that he loved me too much to hurt me


There's a good hurt and a bad hurt. Ask him "Baby, could you spank me and hurt me in a good way? Please?"

For the other hurt tell him "Baby, I need discipline. I can't do it without you."

If I ever say "I love you to much to hurt you" It means that I don't love you enough. For when it's more than just passion, the more whip I put into my lashin.

You need to let him know that it's his love and discipline that's making the relationship work.


_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to mastersslave32)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: What do you do when your Master says he loves you t... - 2/9/2006 9:34:48 AM   
amayos


Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline 		Well, what do you think of his love, and his care for you?

Some cannot and will not allow love and cruelty to live equally fruitful lives in the same mind and spirit; it does not mean they are in need of a "kink therapist". It sounds, in fact, like your Master loves you a great deal, and if you did likewise you would see it for the gift it was.

Putting the relationship "back on track" sounds self-serving and somewhat hollow, but perhaps it's just a poor choice of words?

(in reply to mastersslave32)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> What do you do when your Master says he loves you too much to hurt you? Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.090