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RE: Im new to this...HELP!!! - 5/27/2009 8:17:24 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I say tell him, see what he says.


I think she did already, and got nowhere. The OP gets here asking for help, though, and I get the impression you are pretty aware of what you're doing.

(in reply to MMagic)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Im new to this...HELP!!! - 5/27/2009 9:10:33 PM   
sweetsub1957


Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline 		~Fast Reply~
Let me get this right.  He doesn't tell you His expectations from you as His sub.....He punishes you and doesn't tell you what it's for.....He expects you to be a mind reader and "figure it out eventually?"  That just makes no sense.  Every relationship needs communicaton.  my Sir and i communicate constantly.  i may be waaaaay out of line here because i don't know your Dom at all, but He sounds like an inexperienced jerk with no communication or inter-personal skills.  Maybe He needs a mentor or?  There Y/you A/all go, i'm one of those mouthy s-types.

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In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

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RE: Im new to this...HELP!!! - 5/27/2009 9:15:37 PM   
Demetrius1029384


Posts: 16
Joined: 4/14/2009
From: Otown
Status: offline 		he prolly could use a mentor...if you know anyone who would be willing and good mentor...please have them message us...

(in reply to sweetsub1957)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Im new to this...HELP!!! - 5/27/2009 9:18:07 PM   
Delphinus


Posts: 146
Joined: 11/26/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Demetrius1029384

he prolly could use a mentor...if you know anyone who would be willing and good mentor...please have them message us...


Did you really just make the decision to invite mentors to contact him?


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Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Im new to this...HELP!!! - 5/27/2009 9:21:40 PM   
sweetsub1957


Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline 		Maybe look for some local munches or kink functions in Y/your area Y/you could go to, meet some P/people, talk & converse with T/them, that sounds like a good start to me.  i think it's up to Him if He talks to a mentor, though.  you don't want to Top from the bottom, that is tell Him what to do.  That's a big no-no.

edited content.

< Message edited by sweetsub1957 -- 5/27/2009 9:30:33 PM >

_____________________________

Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to Demetrius1029384)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Im new to this...HELP!!! - 5/28/2009 12:15:16 AM   
onlyfreelycaged


Posts: 254
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline 		first things first, punishment without the one being punished doesn't much help. If it's something that complex and hard to explain, like a way of speaking, or a set of mannerisms that convey being "second" I recommend that the two of you sit down with some movies and have him point out what he'd like or dislikes.

I checked out your profile, and it's hard enough to find a 3rd person to add to a relationship by it's self. you might want to stop looking for someone else until the two of you are both felling safe and secure in your relationship. It's hard to add someone, even as just an occasional play mate. I know that from a past experience with it.

(in reply to Demetrius1029384)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Im new to this...HELP!!! - 5/28/2009 2:35:17 AM   
islandgyrl


Posts: 37
Joined: 9/8/2008
Status: offline 		Well said. You must be confident and compatible in your relationship before introducing a third. Communication is key. Why would someone not voice their likes and dislikes and then punish the one they are with for not giving them what they like? It brings to mind the definition if insanity...doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results....


(in reply to onlyfreelycaged)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Im new to this...HELP!!! - 5/28/2009 2:53:30 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

he told me its trial and error after i get punished enuf ill know wat he wants...but half the time im not sure wat it is im being punished for
quote:

ORIGINAL:


So he is setting you up for failure from the start? Yes he is very inexperienced and needs to learn HOW to be a Master before attempting to go any further. A Dominant should make their wants, needs, desires known to their submissive, not make it a guessing game. Your not a mind reader you are a submissive.

I would suggest that you put things on hold until he further educates himself in being a Dominant, because if he does not your going to end up getting hurt and mental scars are a lot harder to get over than bruises.

Good luck,
~Lashra




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“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






(in reply to Demetrius1029384)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Im new to this...HELP!!! - 5/28/2009 6:26:46 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Demetrius1029384

he prolly could use a mentor...if you know anyone who would be willing and good mentor...please have them message us...


Sorry.  You say he has FOUR YEARS of experience?  And he still has no clue?

If he came out and asked for a mentor and seemed sincere, there might be someone stepping forth.  But for a sub to tell her Dom that she found him a mentor, when he's shown no interest in having one in four years... I cannot imagine that ending well.


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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Demetrius1029384)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Im new to this...HELP!!! - 5/28/2009 6:32:55 AM   
sirsholly


Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline 		he sounds like a boob

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RE: Im new to this...HELP!!! - 5/28/2009 7:07:53 AM   
oceanwinds


Posts: 530
Status: offline 		I only been exploring this lifestyle for 3 years. OP, when learning something new we try so hard to please, but sometimes we forget our common sense. You are not a mind-reader, believe me if he cant communicate then you will always go guessing. It is nice to want to be a good sub. A good sub though needs to apply common sense. This is different then other relationships to a point, but not completely. If i punished my child and told her/him to go figure out why i punished them, that will never be a benefit to the child. To constantly do this, will teach the child they are no good and they cant read my mind, so it builds insecurity. There is a comparison here and maybe you might want to think about it.

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Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Im new to this...HELP!!! - 5/28/2009 8:39:07 AM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		Let me get this straight, he is punishing you and not telling you why???? How in Gods green Earth does he expect you not to repeat the behavior that got you punished, if you don't know what the behavior was? This guy does not seem to have clue how to handle a sub. Yes i have been punished once and displined a few times, but Master lets me know why he is doing it. I have not repeated the behavior You need to try to talk to him again or even show him the responses. Maybe HE needs training.

Matt's littleone

< Message edited by littleone35 -- 5/28/2009 9:15:36 AM >

(in reply to oceanwinds)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Im new to this...HELP!!! - 5/28/2009 9:02:06 AM   
velvetvixen


Posts: 378
Joined: 1/19/2004
Status: offline 		He tells you he is hurting you just to hurt you and that you don't mind. Are you serious???

(in reply to Demetrius1029384)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Im new to this...HELP!!! - 5/28/2009 9:05:02 AM   
Fitznicely


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Demetrius1029384

im askin this question because he doesnt tell me wat he wants, likes, dislikes etc...i jus want to know wat is normal behavior to be expected from a sub...i know every dom differs some but there are some things that are universal right?



Skipping the rest, cos I read this and just went *gawp*

Ask him to read this thread, cos he sure as fuck ain't any kinda Dom.

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(in reply to Demetrius1029384)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Im new to this...HELP!!! - 5/28/2009 9:25:10 AM   
onlyfreelycaged


Posts: 254
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline 		thank you, islandgyrl
quote:

ORIGINAL: velvetvixen

He tells you he is hurting you just to hurt you and that you don't mind. Are you serious???


if someone won't hurt me just to hurt me, I wouldn't be happy in a relationship.. I *love* receiving pain.

(in reply to velvetvixen)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Im new to this...HELP!!! - 5/28/2009 10:30:55 AM   
velvetvixen


Posts: 378
Joined: 1/19/2004
Status: offline 		I like pain too and would be not be happy in a situation without it, but there is a definite purpose to it and there is definite control. So far the the OP has described a lot of uncontrolled randomness.

OP good luck with all of this.

(in reply to onlyfreelycaged)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Im new to this...HELP!!! - 5/28/2009 10:59:53 AM   
butterflyHD


Posts: 8
Joined: 5/4/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: velvetvixen

He tells you he is hurting you just to hurt you and that you don't mind. Are you serious???


Actually, some of us really like this part :)

If I were being punished for something and I had no idea what it was, nor would he inform me of what it was I did to displease him, I would consider that borderline abuse if not full on abuse.

With my M, I don't get punished, but in past relationships I did when I did something wrong.  There was always a clear understanding of what I did wrong, and we even talked about how I could prevent it from happening in the future.

Just because someone had a sub for four years doesn't make them a dom.  I could get a sub tomorrow and that wouldn't make me a domina either.  There are not set rules about what any sub should do, it's up to each relationship.  If the one you are supposed to be serving can't communicate to you his wants and expectations, you will always be banging your head against a wall thinking you are not good enough or able to live up to what a "good" sub should be.

Hopefully he will rethink how he does things, if he doesn't..I would rethink serving him.

Butterfly


_____________________________

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(in reply to velvetvixen)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Im new to this...HELP!!! - 5/28/2009 1:39:12 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Demetrius1029384

he is somewat sadist...but he tells me when hes hurtin me just to hurt me and that i dont mind...but when he tells me im being punished he doesnt tell me why...i know his like and dislikes to an extent but not as far as his likes and dislikes as far as a sub is concerned because he will not tell me...yes i do ask wat im beong punished for and he tells me ill figure it out eventually...


You are very young according to your profile.  He may be a sadist, but he is also a moron if what you are saying is true.  Let me help you figure it out now.  Figure out where the door is and use it.  If you moved in with him, move out, if he moved in with you, kick his sorry ass out.  When he questions you, tell him that he'll figure it out eventually. 

I am NOT a sadist, but when the sadists tell you he isn't even getting THAT right?  C'mon kiddo, what's he gonna do next?  Tell you that he has punished you so much for the same infraction that now it must be more severe while you still have no idea what you have done in the first place?  You only know what he told you about his previous relationship.  Maybe she never figured it out and finally said goodbye.

(in reply to Demetrius1029384)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Im new to this...HELP!!! - 6/1/2009 2:08:03 PM   
Demetrius1029384


Posts: 16
Joined: 4/14/2009
From: Otown
Status: offline 		i do know abt his other relationship...he left her to be with me...she still wants to be with him...me...i just dont know

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Im new to this...HELP!!! - 6/1/2009 2:25:29 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		If I might ask the OP a question,...well several?

Does the idea of your eventually figuring everything out on your own seem to make sense or do you think having more guidance will be helpful?
Is punishment helping you to be a better sub?

Are you happy or confused?
Fullfilled or feeling resentful.

Are his unwritten guidelines consistent or do they seem random.

What parts of this relationship are making sense to you and which don't?





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(in reply to Demetrius1029384)
Profile   Post #: 40
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