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Mixed Signals - 2/8/2006 7:05:13 PM

BehindClosedDoor

Posts: 5
Joined: 2/8/2006
Status: offline

Before I post I just want to say that I did check for similar thread and I apoligize if I missed them.

Ok, so Im new to this. My boyfriend and I have been fooling around in the bedroom mostly with kinky sexual stuff, which is fun. But after a while it started moving out of the bedroom and into our everyday life. He said that he wanted me to be in charge and I have no problem with that since Im naturally an in control kinda girl. I mean I want to be a Domme, I feel like a Domme. But pretty soon I noticed that he really seemed to begrudge my outside the bedroom requests. At first I thought it was just chores since he has always hated doing chores but pretty soon I noticed that he didnt want to give me foot massages or run me a bath...he'd still do it, but he'd complain about being too tired and I could tell he was just not enjoying himself.

So I brought all this up with him. I asked if he was sure about wanting to be submissive in our relationship and he said yes, but that I dont make it "lifestyle oriented" enough...I guess that means not kinky enough. He also started complaining that I dont do enough stuff in the bedroom. Well I request things from him, but he gives me the impression that Im not paying enough attention to him. I thought a sub was supposed to be satisfied if his Domme is satisfied, but it just doesnt seem to be good enough for him.

I dont know what to do to motivate him to submit...he says he wants to but that I have to be more dominant...then when I try to be more dominent he says Im not being kinky enough...I dont get it!

What am I doing wrong? How can I motivate him?

I am putting this question in the "Ask a Mistress" forum, but I would like to hear any advise.

Thanks!

B.C.D.

Post #: 1

RE: Mixed Signals - 2/8/2006 7:21:58 PM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

IMHEO, lifestyle is vastly different than kink or kink in the bedroom--he sounds more like he is in the do me mode---that is not meant to be a insult--but you are far from lifestyle yet--

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Mistress Hathor

(in reply to BehindClosedDoor)

Post #: 2

RE: Mixed Signals - 2/8/2006 7:25:51 PM

Troubleinparadis

Posts: 55
Joined: 2/7/2006
From: Tulsa, Ok
Status: offline

quote:

I thought a sub was supposed to be satisfied if his Domme is satisfied, but it just doesnt seem to be good enough for him.

that only holds true if the sub gets satisfaction from the act of submission...many dont, instead they get satisfaction fromt he way they are treated during submission.

I would suggest verbal humiliation and turning your requests into demands/commands.
I have seen men that like verbal humiliation, have trouble asking for it (especially when new to everything).

I would turn on the potty mouth and let him have it with both barrels and see how he responds...

Just a thought.

(in reply to BehindClosedDoor)

Post #: 3

RE: Mixed Signals - 2/8/2006 7:32:32 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BehindClosedDoor

Before I post I just want to say that I did check for similar thread and I apoligize if I missed them.

Ok, so Im new to this. My boyfriend and I have been fooling around in the bedroom mostly with kinky sexual stuff, which is fun. But after a while it started moving out of the bedroom and into our everyday life. He said that he wanted me to be in charge and I have no problem with that since Im naturally an in control kinda girl. I mean I want to be a Domme, I feel like a Domme. But pretty soon I noticed that he really seemed to begrudge my outside the bedroom requests. At first I thought it was just chores since he has always hated doing chores but pretty soon I noticed that he didnt want to give me foot massages or run me a bath...he'd still do it, but he'd complain about being too tired and I could tell he was just not enjoying himself.

So I brought all this up with him. I asked if he was sure about wanting to be submissive in our relationship and he said yes, but that I dont make it "lifestyle oriented" enough...I guess that means not kinky enough. He also started complaining that I dont do enough stuff in the bedroom. Well I request things from him, but he gives me the impression that Im not paying enough attention to him. I thought a sub was supposed to be satisfied if his Domme is satisfied, but it just doesnt seem to be good enough for him.

I dont know what to do to motivate him to submit...he says he wants to but that I have to be more dominant...then when I try to be more dominent he says Im not being kinky enough...I dont get it!

What am I doing wrong? How can I motivate him?

I am putting this question in the "Ask a Mistress" forum, but I would like to hear any advise.

Thanks!

B.C.D.

I'd say that you have a different definition of things than he does.

I suggest that you get out of the roles and have a heart-to-heart. Negotiate -- everything. Share some fantasies and insist he give you more information than "you aren't kinky enough" because that is vagueness indeed.

What do you and he mean by the words dominant and submissive? Maybe he really means he's a bottom and he wants attention and props and fetish. You won't know until you insist you both sit down and renegotiate.

It can be so easy to just go with the flow and then realize that you aren't operating from the same set of expectations and definitions. Luckily it sounds like you have time to figure it out and negotiate fresh.

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Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to BehindClosedDoor)

Post #: 4

RE: Mixed Signals - 2/8/2006 7:43:24 PM

MistressOfGa

Posts: 2929
Status: offline

Before I post I just want to say that I did check for similar thread and I apoligize if I missed them.

First of all, nothing to apologize for. It is not your job to hunt down old threads pertaining to your topic. There are many many new people on these boards everyday and if some of the old ones dont want to "go through yet another thread" then they dont need to respond to it at all. No one is forcing anyone to respond or post links to past threads. Now that my little mini-rant is done, I will happily respond to your post <s>

I agree with MH, I think that your boyfriend is in a "do-me" mode and seems to only want to keep it contained in the bedroom. Based on your post, he is obviously not into the service part of your d/s relationship. Which is really sad, since I have known many submissives who get pleasure out of service only. I think the key to this is communication, which to me is the cornerstone of any relationship.
My suggestion to you is to read all there is to read, read the forums, learn more about yourself and your own role in this relationship to better understand his role. Talk to him and keep talking til you both get what you are both looking for in this. Good luck.

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Post #: 5

RE: Mixed Signals - 2/8/2006 7:51:46 PM

michaelGA

Posts: 1194
Status: offline

i am one of those subs, MsKaren...as You already know <smiles>

i got a very demanding (and humorous) email the other day. i won't post it here because i don't think it fits this thread.

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Are we having fun, yet?

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Post #: 6

RE: Mixed Signals - 2/8/2006 7:59:36 PM

MistressOfGa

Posts: 2929
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: michaelGA

i am one of those subs, MsKaren...as You already know <smiles>

i got a very demanding (and humorous) email the other day. i won't post it here because i don't think it fits this thread.

Yes Michael I do know <s> Thanks for reminding me lol

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Post #: 7

RE: Mixed Signals - 2/8/2006 8:03:17 PM

michaelGA

Posts: 1194
Status: offline

i was finally able to attend a munch tonight, i had a good time and it was great. even gf had a good time too

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Are we having fun, yet?

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Post #: 8

RE: Mixed Signals - 2/8/2006 8:09:54 PM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: michaelGA

i was finally able to attend a munch tonight, i had a good time and it was great. even gf had a good time too

WOOOHOOO michael! martinis for everyone!

btw the new pic?

way better.

< Message edited by MHOO314 -- 2/8/2006 8:10:24 PM >

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor

(in reply to michaelGA)

Post #: 9

RE: Mixed Signals - 2/8/2006 8:16:30 PM

michaelGA

Posts: 1194
Status: offline

thanks, could use more work though

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Are we having fun, yet?

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Post #: 10

RE: Mixed Signals - 2/8/2006 8:16:37 PM

yourMissTress

Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: michaelGA

i was finally able to attend a munch tonight, i had a good time and it was great. even gf had a good time too

YAYYYYY for michael!!!! I am so happy for you!!! Really glad that you enjoyed yourself. When's the next one?

_____________________________

Tress

"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother

(in reply to michaelGA)

Post #: 11

RE: Mixed Signals - 2/8/2006 8:19:18 PM

michaelGA

Posts: 1194
Status: offline

they fall on the 2nd Wednsday of each month here in Columbus, GA

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Post #: 12

RE: Mixed Signals - 2/8/2006 8:24:30 PM

Sensualips

Posts: 1013
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline

Michael made it to a munch! The impossible obstacles were overcome!

And it was....enjoyable!

(in reply to michaelGA)

Post #: 13

RE: Mixed Signals - 2/8/2006 8:27:28 PM

michaelGA

Posts: 1194
Status: offline

the wonders never cease...LOL

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Post #: 14

RE: Mixed Signals - 2/8/2006 8:29:12 PM

Sensualips

Posts: 1013
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline

It sounds like his interest lies in being a sexual submissive, not a service oriented submissive. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

I like the suggestion about the filthy, demanding, verbal humiliation. I wonder how he might respond.

(in reply to BehindClosedDoor)

Post #: 15

RE: Mixed Signals - 2/8/2006 8:36:36 PM

seaturtle50

Posts: 382
Joined: 12/28/2005
Status: offline

quote:

I asked if he was sure about wanting to be submissive in our relationship and he said yes, but that I dont make it "lifestyle oriented" enough...

Just had to post to say this made me laugh right out loud (laughing with you - not at)

i know what would work for me (but i only know about me) - A loving but firm Domme taking control would work for this one.

Telling me how it will be. Telling me with certainty. Yes, asking me my thoughts, feeling, concerns, ideas, kinks, desires, dreams, etc., (thats part of the loving part). Then firmly telling me ... then asking me for my acceptance of the way things will be from now on. <melts a little>

You said:

quote:

he wanted me to be in charge and I have no problem with that since Im naturally an in control kinda girl. I mean I want to be a Domme, I feel like a Domme

So i humbly suggest You just do Your own version of that ... naturally.

What an exciting time the two of Y/you find yourselves in now

st50

< Message edited by seaturtle50 -- 2/8/2006 8:38:25 PM >

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Destiny happens in a moment ... in the blink of an eye.

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Post #: 16

RE: Mixed Signals - 2/8/2006 8:43:58 PM

DiannaVesta

Posts: 1087
Joined: 2/6/2006
From: Mid-Atlantic area
Status: offline

Although I agree with Tammy Jo's advice and you should try this first. If it doesn't work tell him flat out, "It's my way or the HIGHWAY". lol- Ok, let me back up a bit.

It’s hard to take a vanilla relationship that has history into a lifestyle D/s relationship, especially female domination. It contradicts so much of what he already knows and although his dick gets hard over kinky bedroom submission, it doesn’t sound like he’s submissive. He may never dial into the mindset you want/need and honestly do you want to always feel like you have to motivate him to please you?

You can negotiate until the cows come home but if submission is not in his blood/heart, there will always be a power struggle. I prefer forms or manipulation. Lol- ok, I think the politically correct word is teasing. Damn I could write a book on how to manipulate… ugh I mean TEASE the male. You study him and find out the things that he really loves/wants/needs and then you dangle, tease and deny him into an unbearable suffering! He’ll eventually do whatever you want and be grateful for it.

Forgive my sense of humor. I can’t help it. I’m actually serious tho. Lol

If all else fails trade him in for one who obeys and serves your every whim. There are plenty of them here.

Dianna Vesta

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Post #: 17

RE: Mixed Signals - 2/8/2006 8:45:33 PM

BehindClosedDoor

Posts: 5
Joined: 2/8/2006
Status: offline

*sigh* Its a very confusing situation for me. We talk and update and try to have open comunication. I listen and try to understand what he wants from me. I try to convey what I want from him so that it does not sound like I just want him to do housework.

And then he say "more kink" so I throw on extra kink...then he says "more lifestyle stuff" and Im utterly confused by this...so he says "more fun" and I fall on my face totally exausted and dizzy.

I am afraid that he is infact in "Do-me" mode. That would be too bad because one of the things that drew me to the...er...lifestyle was being pamper. I L-O-V-E, love being pamper. And he never complained about pampering me at the beginning of our relationship....infact he was somewhat proactive about it.

I had no idea this was so complicated!

(in reply to seaturtle50)

Post #: 18

RE: Mixed Signals - 2/8/2006 8:54:57 PM

DiannaVesta

Posts: 1087
Joined: 2/6/2006
From: Mid-Atlantic area
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BehindClosedDoor

I had no idea this was so complicated!

It's not really all that complicated once you dial into the attitude. That's really what it's all about. Sit him down and give him the word... very nicely tell him thank you for opening these new doors of desire and passion for you. You have come to realize many new things about yourself and you will always love him for that BUT unfortunately you need A LOT more then he can offer you. You have decided that it was time for you to explore OTHER relationships that were more fulfilling to your nature.

Watch the boy snap back to your reality. If not, like I said in my last post, maybe you should meet other submissive men. I have a feeling that if thinks he's going to lose you he'll snap into action. Its a game none of us want to play but sometimes its gotta be this way. Be forewarned that it may need to be revisted often.

Dianna

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Post #: 19

RE: Mixed Signals - 2/8/2006 9:12:57 PM

MistressOfGa

Posts: 2929
Status: offline

And he never complained about pampering me at the beginning of our relationship....infact he was somewhat proactive about it.

Funny, most vanilla relationships are like this. It is amazing how many masks we all tend to wear in the beginning of any relationship, then slowly those masks fall off. The trick is, if you can still be in love with the person he ends up being, then you have a chance at life long commitment. Shame some cant show the ugliness right off the bat and save alot of time and wasted years on him.
Cynical I know.

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Post #: 20

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