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CaringandReal -> RE: Dominant's Catch-22? (5/30/2009 10:37:04 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan
In the time I’ve been active on the CM forums, I’ve seen two distinct attitudes towards certain types of posts from dominants, either directly or indirectly via a sub’s post. Usually, these posts involve an assignment or task for the sub and request responses/opinions/thoughts from a wider audience. Often, the replies fall into two categories: either the dominant is "lazy" because s/he set the sub on a task and gave permission for him/her to seek input from others, thereby demonstrating s/he is unwilling or incapable of thinking for him/herself, or else the dominant is "weak" because s/he has asked for outside observations on the situation. This is somehow viewed as the dominant needing “validation” or "bolstering of position." The general attitude is that this is a piss-poor dominant and, therefore, deserving of insult and ridicule. Certainly, s/he is not worthy of a submissive or capable of having a D/s relationship. After all, the only good dominant is one who is utterly secure in his/her place, has every conceivable aspect of his/her life in perfect order, and never needs to receive input from anyone because s/he’s got everything under control.
On the other hand, when a dominant does something and doesn’t ask permission, but merely posts thoughts, experiences, or opinions without apology, it’s often the case that s/he is equally ridiculed and belittled for succumbing to "Top’s Disease." The dominant is presumed to be arrogant, living in a fantasy, or abusive. A significant number of posters feel it is their rightful place to take this dastardly dom down a peg or three. After all, the only good dominant is one who shows humility, asks for input from those with experience who may be able to provide insight s/he has not previously considered, and who demonstrates his/her humanity through vulnerability.
Am I the only one who sees a paradox here?
I have to wonder how, exactly, a dominant is supposed to live up to expectations such as those listed in the first paragraph without feeling pressured to be a super hero. Alternately, how can a dominant be expected to show vulnerability without needing to get some outside perspectives or a bit of validation every so often? Is a dominant not human? If you prick us, do we not bleed? In the wee hours of the morning, I’m having difficulty wrapping my head around this "dominant’s dichotomy." Maybe I'm overthinking it and should just go to bed. But perhaps someone could please share some insight with me?
This catch-22 only happens in the context of a "bdsm community." If you are not part of such a community, you never have a problem with this sort of thing. It's one of the big difficulties I have always had with communities formed around a sexual preference, whatever the sexual preference. Instead of people just doing what they love and enjoy most, they talk about it and hear others talking about it and experience (sometimes real, sometimes imagined) pressure either from others or from themselves to conform to what the rest of the group (or the majority or the leaders) seem to be doing rather than what suits them. People form expectations for each other as members of a group. Sexual expression, however, is something that is very ideosyncratic and personal. It's slightly different for everyone, and it's deadly to expect others to behave similiarly or to all follow a particular code. BDSM sex gets these codes of ethics or right behavior formed around it more than other sexual orientations proabably because people regard it as so potentially dangerous.
If this sort of thing is starting to eat at you, the solution is simple: disconnect from the community. Maybe not forever, but long enough to recover yourself. When you are part of a group for a long time disconnecting can be hard to do, I know. You feel like you need the support the advice, the stimulating ideas and input. Or you may feel equally strongly that you need to make contributions, participate, help out. But you don't need any of that, not really. All you need is yourself and you and your partner(s)' happiness, really. It's refreshing and revitalizing not to read other peoples' opinions on how you should behave for several months. You can feel yourself, and your own desires and personal ethics and direction return and you begin to remember what it feels like when other peoples' opinions on how you should lead your life don't matter in the least. What matters is how you feel about your decisions and how they affect those you care about. :)
I know this response seems to be avoiding the specific issue you wrote about. But that's on purpose: what other people think, on a message board where everyone is anonymous , in the long run, really doesn't matter. It won't affect your life the way having a baby, contracting a disease, dying, moving across country, getting a great new job will. Although it can, if you let it, make you feel pretty miserable inside for no reason whatsoever. I think it's easy to get caught up in communities becuase we are such social creatures. For most people, it feels natural and good to join groups. But a lot of us make the mistake of giving them far too much power over ourselves. We get mad when someone we've never met and never will meet types something stupid in a message or even worse, when something unthinking or callous that some stranger types hurts our feelings. We feel bad when we don't seem to be living up to what the majority in the group think is the right way to do things. We accept other people's attitudes, viewpoints, worldviews, spins (or Weltanschauungs, if you prefer) all too easily. It's part of being in the group: accepting and being accepted: exchanging ideas and coming up with some percieved common ground. In fact when you are part of a social group you catch others' ideas like they are highly contagious diseases! And in the effect they can have on our psyches they somewhat resemble diseases. While social conformance has it's place and is pretty important in certain types of groups, it's deadly in a sphere as personal and individualstic as the expression of one's sexuality.
If you choose stay within a community conflicts and stresses similar to the one you described above will probably continue to arise. Some people want a community bad enough to put up with that. Some are capable of surfing on top of such social concerns, realizing that they're empty, not real in the sense that actual events happening to you are real. But not everyone thinks or experiences that way. For some of us group ideas are seem very real, and the only way to stop the bad effects these ideas cause is to entirely or mostly disconnect with the group producing them.
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