RE: Dominant's Catch-22?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: Dominant's Catch-22?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Dominant's Catch-22?

Page: << < prev 1 2 3 [4] 5 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: Dominant's Catch-22? - 6/1/2009 8:13:44 AM

aBigSAM

Posts: 4
Joined: 5/30/2009
Status: offline

I joined only a few days ago, so I haven't seen the pouncing you're speaking of. But I do run a support site that has a lot of message boards and thus have seen some of the heirarchy games being played out. The big question in my mind about your topic is if a dominant (or anyone else for that matter) can't bounce off their questions and/or ideas on others, then what is the point of the forum?

A major part of creating a relaxed atmosphere where people feel free to express themselves w/o exposing themselves to abuse and undeserved ridicule is how the boards are moderated. On my sites, I have one simple rule: "Be reasonable." I discourage members who are intolerant of others, who try to start quarrels, and use the boards to vent their dislike or disapproval of others. If you don't like a person, or don't respect what they have to say, don't read their posts, or if you do, don't respond. One can point out the flaws in a person's thoughts without cutting them to ribbons. Being respectful isn't a dom or sub thing, it's a courtesy thing.

What I find that adds life to a forum and keeps people in a better mood to interact positively is humor.

(in reply to MasterUnknown)

Post #: 61

RE: Dominant's Catch-22? - 6/1/2009 8:15:14 AM

aBigSAM

Posts: 4
Joined: 5/30/2009
Status: offline

Hey! Why is there a vanilla cone next to my pic? I'm not vanilla! I have nothing against vanilla people but I wouldn't want my kid sister to marry one! LOL

(in reply to aBigSAM)

Post #: 62

RE: Dominant's Catch-22? - 6/1/2009 12:16:56 PM

slavekal

Posts: 1486
Joined: 7/20/2004
Status: offline

The symbol next to your name chnages with the number of posts you make.

_____________________________

"The Courage to Submit: the submissive male's guide to finding a dominant woman"
http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/the-courage-to-submit-the-guide-for-the-submissive-male-seeking-a-dominant-woman/5968917

(in reply to aBigSAM)

Post #: 63

RE: Dominant's Catch-22? - 6/1/2009 12:56:05 PM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan

I have to wonder how, exactly, a dominant is supposed to live up to expectations such as those listed in the first paragraph without feeling pressured to be a super hero. Alternately, how can a dominant be expected to show vulnerability without needing to get some outside perspectives or a bit of validation every so often? Is a dominant not human? If you prick us, do we not bleed? In the wee hours of the morning, I’m having difficulty wrapping my head around this "dominant’s dichotomy." Maybe I'm overthinking it and should just go to bed. But perhaps someone could please share some insight with me?

Who's Expectation... the Dominant's or others? I live to my expectations... if others consider me less or more is rather irrelevant unless I choose to make their opinion relevant to me.

So.. yeah... I think your overthinking it. You putting way to much importance into what others think... and not enough of what the individual themself think. I suspect that those individual that struggle with the issues you infer are the same individuals that are more concerned with how other think than how they think.

I have to go with Knight on this. While I have learned things on these boards from postings in a thread, I've also met up with those who didn't like my particular view of things. If they are not in a dynamic with me or interested in being in one with me, then while I may learn something from them, their opinion that I am wrong...especially in a situation where there are those who also think I am right...tends to lead me to feel just that, their opinion is THEIR opinion. E. G....I believe in a discipline/punishment dynamic. Many here do not...just as many do. Those who want to tell me I am wrong for believing in it are expressing their opinion and have a right to do so but unless they can come up with a compelling, reasonable, rational argument as to why every aspect of punishment/discipline is wrong or, more specifically, abusive in a D/s dynamic, then it is not going to change my mind. Telling me that I am an ass for what I believe in? ~shrugs~...they are not the first to have thought so and I have a feeling they won't be the last and I really think that any person, especially a dominant person, who would feel compelled to change their views each time they are proclaimed wrong is going to be a dominant that is always in transition because his wheels are constantly spinning with the beratement of others as to whether what he is doing is right or wrong.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 64

RE: Dominant's Catch-22? - 6/1/2009 10:18:19 PM

ThatDamnedPanda

Posts: 6060
Joined: 1/26/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: variation30

here's a catch 22

there's no way for anyone to respond to this thread without succumbing to the pettiness described in the original post or without trying to sound as if you've reached a state of enlightenment as a dom that puts you above such pettiness (by inferring that everyone else is below your level of domly wisdom).

Speak for yourself. I've seen a number of very thoughtful, humble, and introspective posts in this thread. It's a pity you somehow missed them. You might have learned something quite useful.

_____________________________

Panda, panda, burning bright
In the forest of the night
What immortal hand or eye
Made you all black and white and roly-poly like that?

(in reply to variation30)

Post #: 65

RE: Dominant's Catch-22? - 6/2/2009 12:32:30 AM

Ialdabaoth

Posts: 1073
Joined: 5/4/2008
From: Tempe, AZ
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ialdabaoth

My job isn't to always be right, my job is to always be responsible. It's my job to put the people best capable of spotting my flaws in the position to do so, and to tell me about them - and then to choose when to listen to them, and to take responsibility when my failure to do so harms something I care about. I'm not supposed to be "perfect" - I'm merely supposed to seek perfection with every fiber of my being, and to own up explicitly to all the places where I'm not perfect.

25 points.
+25 more for a novel angle of self-critique I hadn't previously thought of.

(Note: See? Cumulative!)

... and I just had a major epiphany. I mean, a major, understanding-of-self-identity epiphany.

I could give a fuck about "dominance". I've always seen dominance as some sort of sick joke, and the only reason I play up dominant aspects is because I find the act of submitting even less pleasurable. But I'm no dominant, and I've been wasting a good deal of my life and my spirit trying to be.

I'm a leader. It's not my nature to piss testosterone and snarl and posture and beat my chest. It's my nature to take ultimate responsibility for the situation. It's my nature to decide precisely what outcome needs to happen in any situation, to decide what courses of action are likely to lead to that outcome, and then to decide to enact those courses of action - and then to own up to having done so, up to and including paying for whatever mess I've created.

It is regrettable, in American culture, that pissing testosterone, snarling, posturing, and beating my chest are often necessary courses of action. Most people just plain don't listen to someone unless they display "dominance". But ultimately, it's my responsibility to choose between being sincere and powerless, or posturing and gaining power - at the cost of breaking most of the feedback loops that would allow me to properly evaluate others' input to the situation.

But no, leadership is a very different thing than dominance, and it occurs to me that I need to focussing on acquiring a different sort of person.

In addition to people who will tell me, honestly, when they think I'm making a bad decision - but who will follow that decision anyways, because they trust that I'm responsible enough to learn from it and to clean up whatever mess I make - I need to acquire people who can project the confidence and dominance that I lack. I need people who understand that I am always to be followed, that they belong to me, but that it's their job, not mine, to show poise and backbone and keep the rabble in line. It's my job to step in when things fuck up, and say "she was only following orders, this was my fault. What do I need to do to fix it?"

I have no idea if the BDSM community even supports these kinds of interactions. Maybe I can find some good, smart Amazonian switches and mold them psychologically into the tools I need. I'm going to have to spend a few months on this - in the meantime, I'm going to be posting a lot of musings about it, so contributions and feedback will be welcomed.

(in reply to NihilusZero)

Post #: 66

RE: Dominant's Catch-22? - 6/2/2009 1:02:40 AM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ialdabaoth

... and I just had a major epiphany. I mean, a major, understanding-of-self-identity epiphany.

I could give a fuck about "dominance". I've always seen dominance as some sort of sick joke, and the only reason I play up dominant aspects is because I find the act of submitting even less pleasurable. But I'm no dominant, and I've been wasting a good deal of my life and my spirit trying to be.

I'm a leader. It's not my nature to piss testosterone and snarl and posture and beat my chest. It's my nature to take ultimate responsibility for the situation. It's my nature to decide precisely what outcome needs to happen in any situation, to decide what courses of action are likely to lead to that outcome, and then to decide to enact those courses of action - and then to own up to having done so, up to and including paying for whatever mess I've created.

It is regrettable, in American culture, that pissing testosterone, snarling, posturing, and beating my chest are often necessary courses of action. Most people just plain don't listen to someone unless they display "dominance". But ultimately, it's my responsibility to choose between being sincere and powerless, or posturing and gaining power - at the cost of breaking most of the feedback loops that would allow me to properly evaluate others' input to the situation.

But no, leadership is a very different thing than dominance, and it occurs to me that I need to focussing on acquiring a different sort of person.

In addition to people who will tell me, honestly, when they think I'm making a bad decision - but who will follow that decision anyways, because they trust that I'm responsible enough to learn from it and to clean up whatever mess I make - I need to acquire people who can project the confidence and dominance that I lack. I need people who understand that I am always to be followed, that they belong to me, but that it's their job, not mine, to show poise and backbone and keep the rabble in line. It's my job to step in when things fuck up, and say "she was only following orders, this was my fault. What do I need to do to fix it?"

I have no idea if the BDSM community even supports these kinds of interactions. Maybe I can find some good, smart Amazonian switches and mold them psychologically into the tools I need. I'm going to have to spend a few months on this - in the meantime, I'm going to be posting a lot of musings about it, so contributions and feedback will be welcomed.

Truthfully, much of what you just mentioned isn't very far from what I think concerning myself. The exception might be that I thrive on vulnerability. Despite mistakes I've made, it's the one thing that seems to continually motivate to be always accountable for every decision (it's not the accountability I slack in, it's usually just the motivation...I do the whole "lazy" thing pretty well). The trust surrendered and the mentorship aspects are rather big for me, which may naturally seem more 'in line' with traditional Dom traits...but I do not mirror the traditional D-type persona outside of my personal relationships much at all.

I have no interest in any testosterone-based actions or ideas (maybe growing up with 5-6 women in the family affected that, heh). I do not have issues showing vulnerability in relationships. I'm rather introverted socially, for the most part.

I seem to want to say that what you're thinking about appears more to be a clarification than an actual divergence from being considered a Dominant. I wonder if this is indirectly an attempt to convince yourself that a different set of clothes might attract a wider range of suitors...when, in reality, what you're seeking is something of a rarity in the first place (something I can perhaps empathize with).

And, when I say that, it's because I'd personally like to think that the most solid evidence of an internal state built for the D side of a power exchange dynamic is an intellect (not body language, not bravado, not physical size) that exudes that dominance. From what I've read of you continuously since I've gotten to know you on here, you hold a remarkably tight grasp on that. It's part of what I strive for in myself...and while I can have insecurities about other relationship-related issues that weaken a confidence in my abilities in such a dynamic (such as a rather big fuck-up in a recent situation), it, in the end, doesn't change the fact that certain natural tendencies and personal traits are directly conducive to it.

I see that as being the case with you. Not to make it sounds horrifically cheesy and as playing to flattery, but your worries seem to boil down to a concern over whether there are sufficient (if at all) subs who appreciate/seek the type of Dom you are rather than an issue of whether it's the right title for you to be using in the first place.

I cannot fathom that the expanse of BDSM does not have an ample portion of its space open to those who would make great puppeteers simply on the grounds that their figurative chest size doesn't ooze masculinity (although the chestiness of your avatar helps...just teasing!

).

< Message edited by NihilusZero -- 6/2/2009 1:10:14 AM >

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

Post #: 67

RE: Dominant's Catch-22? - 6/2/2009 3:56:26 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

Funny, I never saw dominance as pissing testosterone and all that. I would rather laugh than snarl and beating my chest would not only hurt, but given all the cushion, would be quite ineffective.

The really funny thing is that I do not see that behaviour as dominant at all. In fact, the more, of that, I see in a person, the less dominant and more insecure I see them.

That is an interest peek into how some male dominants think. Perhaps even a few females. Thank you.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 6/2/2009 4:00:44 AM >

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to NihilusZero)

Post #: 68

RE: Dominant's Catch-22? - 6/2/2009 4:38:14 AM

StrangerThan

Posts: 1515
Joined: 4/25/2008
Status: offline

One thing I've learned about collarme is that if anything is normal, it is inconsistency.

Too many people put too much value on what folks on the internet think. Too many think that experience in D/s, BDSM, S&M - use whatever acronym you want, elevates the experienced to an enlightened state equivalent to something like a kink Dali Lama. And for the OCD folks who are always searching for THE right way to do things, there's a never ending angst to prove either one's dominance or one's submissiveness.

What I've often seen is the answers are dependent upon who asks the question. The same general question from one poster will raise ire, while from another will engender support.

Simplicity is best for me. I don't need others to validate what I do. If someone is invited in, they're invited for a reason. Otherwise they're just signposts on the road, some worth reading, and many who blend into the background as if they never existed.

CM is good reading sometimes. Other times, it's a good place to take a vacation from, quit caring what anyone else thinks, and do what works for you.

_____________________________

--'Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to reform' - Mark Twain

(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)

Post #: 69

RE: Dominant's Catch-22? - 6/2/2009 5:31:16 AM

marie2

Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: WyldHrt

I don't think it's really a Dom thing, more of a forum thing, Syl. Those of us on this side of the kneel get it, too. How many times do you see a sub post about an issue and get back mostly "you should have known better", "you picked him/her, suck it up", or the ever popular "did you negotiate this before you got into the relationship?" (like every possible scenario can be brought up at that time without negotiations taking a couple of years).
It does seem that some simply want to attack the OP, no matter the content of the post.

My thoughts exactly.

I've noticed the same type of thing when we have a sub op come out here who doesn't want to do something her dom wants her to do, and she gets lectured from posters on the importance submission and obedience and questioned about whether or not she really should be in a Ds relationship if she isn't ready to obey etc. Then the same sub, or a different one for that matter, comes around six months later talking about how they were emotionally damaged by something their dom made them do, and the crowd basically says "just because you're a sub doesn't mean you check your common sense at the door, it's your own fault for not walking away from this whacko." Damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

Most of those types of responses are just knee-jerk reactions from posters, because it's very easy to sit here and contribute lecture, criticism and judgement. Often it makes people feel more secure or possibly superior. But I also see the people who ask questions of the op, seek more info, and offer something productive.

(in reply to WyldHrt)

Post #: 70

RE: Dominant's Catch-22? - 6/2/2009 5:55:02 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

I can't think of anything worse for me, than someone doing the '' pissing testosterone, snarling, posturing, and beating my chest'' thing.

It's not, contrary to popular belief, what most women I've ever met find attractive. It might be something you *have* to do in the work-a-day world to get along at times but in a partner it would be frightful and wearing.

I have exactly what you speak of in my owner......and it was those things that attracted me to him and eventually to ask him if he'd consider taking me on. Men that piss testosterone and posture are ten-a-penny...ones that value accountability and responsibility are not.

You're not dominating the whole world, nor leading the whole world in a personal relationship. It's just you and her and all it takes is for HER to see you, respect and value your attributes and have a willingness to abide by your decisions.

Quote
'' I'm a leader. It's not my nature to piss testosterone and snarl and posture and beat my chest. It's my nature to take ultimate responsibility for the situation. It's my nature to decide precisely what outcome needs to happen in any situation, to decide what courses of action are likely to lead to that outcome, and then to decide to enact those courses of action - and then to own up to having done so, up to and including paying for whatever mess I've created.''
Unquote.

THIS is what I admired, respected, wanted and asked for in my life. Perhaps you under-estimate how attractive and important that is. I'm not submissive, yet that quote above is how I arrived at being *owned*.

Quote
''I need people who understand that I am always to be followed, that they belong to me, but that it's their job, not mine, to show poise and backbone and keep the rabble in line. It's my job to step in when things fuck up, and say "she was only following orders, this was my fault. What do I need to do to fix it?"
Unquote

This IS what it's all about, for me, although I'd add that I expect him to have back-bone and poise too.
But it IS my job to follow him, I DO belong to him and that means that what he has decided or decreed will be carried out as best I can. It's not too difficult when you know you have the *cushion* of a man that will step in when things go pear-shaped. It's that fact that gave me the confidence to keep at things, rightly or wrongly.

Why care what the bdsm community has space for? There are people all around the globe doing it their way, creating relationships based on what suits them and what matters to them.

There IS no traditional dom, there's just a lot of words describing one, that's all.

agirl

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

Post #: 71

RE: Dominant's Catch-22? - 6/2/2009 6:13:48 AM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

Ialdabaoth and Nihilus... add me to the pool of more "leader-oriented" than "dominant-oriented", philosophical, introspective, hyper-responsible individuals. I think that's why I've been really comfortable with alternative terminology for what I do and how I do it, since the standard terminology and the images it raised didn't really fit with the way that I interact with people. I've always told folks that I'm closer to Yoda than Lady Heather. *LOL*

Thanks so much for sharing... oh, and Nihilus... love the new avatar pic!

Dame Calla

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to agirl)

Post #: 72

RE: Dominant's Catch-22? - 6/2/2009 7:16:28 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ialdabaoth
But no, leadership is a very different thing than dominance, and it occurs to me that I need to focussing on acquiring a different sort of person.

Welcome to my world. This is the point I struggle on constantly. Sure, facets of my relationship bear a superficial resemblance to things that get built in the BDSM world. But the difference that you are seeing between leadership and dominance is something I've seen from the beginning (hence, my nick). It's what makes me think that WIITWD is not BDSM.

quote:

In addition to people who will tell me, honestly, when they think I'm making a bad decision - but who will follow that decision anyways, because they trust that I'm responsible enough to learn from it and to clean up whatever mess I make - I need to acquire people who can project the confidence and dominance that I lack. I need people who understand that I am always to be followed, that they belong to me, but that it's their job, not mine, to show poise and backbone and keep the rabble in line.

Exactly why there is no punishment dynamic in my relationship. There is only "obey or don't be my slave". I have no interest in "putting Carol in her place". Afterall, if it's really HER place, then she'd remember it all by herself, right? What I want is a TEAM, with a leader and a follower. No coercion. No control. No Power. Just two people doing their jobs.

quote:

I have no idea if the BDSM community even supports these kinds of interactions

In my assessment having looked pretty closely at this for a year and change, the answer is "no". THe ideas are accepted because nowadays the BDSM community accepts anything. But this sort of thing doesn't really resonate. This thing that you and I do would not push the correct buttons for most of the subs out there. It is different enough that it doesn't feel right when you go to a munch. Like any community though, you and I are not the only outlyers. Certainly I've gotten some emails from the occasional appreciative person as I'm sure you have. But overall, no.... BDSM is in my opinion rooted in non-consensual rape fantasies and as such, has no room for leadership. What it needs is words like "power" and "control".

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Ialdabaoth)

Post #: 73

RE: Dominant's Catch-22? - 6/2/2009 9:04:06 AM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW

oh, and Nihilus... love the new avatar pic!

Thank you, Lad.....er...Yoda!

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 74

RE: Dominant's Catch-22? - 6/2/2009 9:15:18 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

I had to look at it more closely this morning. Through my morning fogged eyes it looked like a sea of little sail boats. It is cool. Went to the website and viewed a few there also. You've a good eye.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to NihilusZero)

Post #: 75

RE: Dominant's Catch-22? - 6/2/2009 9:22:30 AM

NihilusZero

Posts: 4036
Joined: 9/10/2008
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I had to look at it more closely this morning. Through my morning fogged eyes it looked like a sea of little sail boats. It is cool. Went to the website and viewed a few there also. You've a good eye.

Thank you!

You all rock. I received a very sweet hair compliment from a lovely stranger in my inbox earlier today as well. I think today looks to be shaping into a rather good day off.

_____________________________

"I know it's all a game
I know they're all insane
I know it's all in vain
I know that I'm to blame."
~Siouxsie & the Banshees

NihilusZero.com

CM Sex God du Jour
CM Hall Monitor

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 76

RE: Dominant's Catch-22? - 6/2/2009 10:54:38 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

Day off?!?!? Cheater....

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to NihilusZero)

Post #: 77

RE: Dominant's Catch-22? - 6/2/2009 11:22:47 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

*laughs* I just took a look at your profile to checkout your cool hair (and wanting to see a closeup of the photo here on the boards). My net conclusion is I'm really glad I'm not a 33 year old sub because if I was, two things would be true:

a) I'd be hopelessly attracted to you
b) I'd be certain I was nowhere near smart enough to be with you.

*laughs*

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to NihilusZero)

Post #: 78

RE: Dominant's Catch-22? - 6/2/2009 4:36:15 PM

Apocalypso

Posts: 1104
Joined: 4/20/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse
The really funny thing is that I do not see that behaviour as dominant at all. In fact, the more, of that, I see in a person, the less dominant and more insecure I see them.

That would be my experience. Those most prone to that behaviour generally seem to be very brittle. One good tug and the whole lot unravels. Often to hilarious effect.

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527
In my assessment having looked pretty closely at this for a year and change, the answer is "no". THe ideas are accepted because nowadays the BDSM community accepts anything. But this sort of thing doesn't really resonate. This thing that you and I do would not push the correct buttons for most of the subs out there. It is different enough that it doesn't feel right when you go to a munch. Like any community though, you and I are not the only outlyers. Certainly I've gotten some emails from the occasional appreciative person as I'm sure you have. But overall, no.... BDSM is in my opinion rooted in non-consensual rape fantasies and as such, has no room for leadership. What it needs is words like "power" and "control".

Yes and no for me.

On one hand, I think a lot of it is that a single dom isn't compatible with the vast majority of subs (or vice versa), for one reason or another. And what you're describing is, at least in part, a reflection of that.

I'd agree that "leadership" as opposed to "dominance" is an outlyer. But, as you say, you're not the only one. So it's just one of many factors that comes into play. Hell, my approach to relationships is theatrical, high-camp at times and about chaotic journeys as opposed to orderly destinations. Which obviously separates me from the vast bulk of BDSMers out there. But, like you, I've got the odd appreciative email. In fact, I've been pleasantly surprised by how many people seem to genuinely 'get' some of the more wildeyed ranting on my journal. It's a tiny minority, sure. But it's still a lot more than I expected.

However, I would agree with you that the concepts we both hold (different though they are) don't really resonate with the BDSM community as a whole, or at least the more visible elements of it. Not in a hostile manner for the most part, simply a lack of real comprehension.

*Shrugs* But I've got my own little band of 'BDSM' heretics, dreamers and outlaws. And I'm perfectly happy with that. That's my community.

_____________________________

If you're going to quote from the Book of Revelation,
Don't keep calling it the "Book of Revelations",
There's no "s", it's the Book of Revelation,
As revealed to Saint John the Divine.

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 79

RE: Dominant's Catch-22? - 6/2/2009 5:00:49 PM

variation30

Posts: 1190
Joined: 12/1/2007
From: Alabama
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ThatDamnedPanda

quote:

ORIGINAL: variation30

here's a catch 22

there's no way for anyone to respond to this thread without succumbing to the pettiness described in the original post or without trying to sound as if you've reached a state of enlightenment as a dom that puts you above such pettiness (by inferring that everyone else is below your level of domly wisdom).

Speak for yourself. I've seen a number of very thoughtful, humble, and introspective posts in this thread. It's a pity you somehow missed them. You might have learned something quite useful.

I rest my case.

_____________________________

all the good ones are collared or lesbians.

or old.

(in reply to ThatDamnedPanda)

Post #: 80

Page: << < prev 1 2 3 [4] 5 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Dominant's Catch-22?

Page: << < prev 1 2 3 [4] 5 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.109