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How to work with an emotionally damaged slave - 2/9/2006 1:34:41 PM

ShivaTS

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RE: How to work with an emotionally damaged slave - 2/9/2006 2:12:39 PM

thetammyjo

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ShivaTS

I read a post and a Mistress mentioned she was working with a damaged sub. That got me thinking about my own "damage" and would like to try to work through it, myself. I didnt really realise this till a Mistress messeged me saying I was under consideration and in the end rejected me for my limits. I am very shaken one because she rejected me and two, because I would be terrified to be under the grip of a domme again. The compulsion to serve is so deep that I have begun a regiment to better myself so I am more pleasing to a Master/Mistress and to abolish my limits that I have created. In truth, a Mistress is a hard limit for me at this point. Im not looking for "go see a shrink". I would like real suggestions.

What are your experiences in working with subs/slaves that have been scared emotionally and what has worked for you in fixing that?

If you have been rejected for having limits that is the other person's problem, not yours.

Your limits are yours -- only you may determine what is a hard or soft limit.

We all get rejected and we all reject people for various reasons usually because we aren't a good match. It is very easy to take it very personally and to feel terrible.

The first step is to get to know yourself better and to understand why you have the limits you do. I'd recommend a lot of reading (not online, I recommend books written by folks with BDSM experience and if you email me I can give you a list of suggestions based on your level of experience and your interests).

I further recommend finding a munch or some event near you and get involved in a face-to-face community. You don't scene or date folks, you just mingle and learn and listen and share or just listen.

Getting to know yourself as realistically as possible is a great first step for anyone regardless of orientation or scene role.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to ShivaTS)

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RE: How to work with an emotionally damaged slave - 2/9/2006 2:22:06 PM

MistressFire70

Posts: 378
Joined: 7/25/2004
From: North Carolina
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This doesn't have anything to do with the lifestyle. This is a problem of self worth that we all face, in one form or another.

Recently, I heard someone say something that has really been making me think. They asked two questions.

Would you sell yourself for sex?
Would you sell yourself for love?

Note: These are not sales for cash...selling here refers to emotional selling, i.e. you are trading part of your self worth to get it.

Some of us would answer yes to the first one. People who do are trying to create emotional connections using sex. For them, how much sex they have or how good of sex they have is directly related to how much they feel loved.

The harder one of the two, I think, is the second. It's much more subtle. People who sell themselves for love, as I have discovered I did, will chip away at themselves. They do this to try and fit into the mold the other person claims to want just so that the other person will love them. If the other person loves them, then surely, they are worthy of love, right?

Both of these situaitons are based on fear...fear of being alone, fear of being unworthy, fear of being rejected, etc. We must first pass through these fears and come to love ourselves. Then, we can have sex and give/receive love in a natural, healthy way. The mistake is that we are forgetting that we are worthy in an of ourselves and we don't need outside affirmations that we're worthy.

Examine why you feel that you must do away with all your limits right away. There's reasons why you have them. Work through one fear at a time. If the person you are talking with doesn't understand the trust issues involved in doing this, they are not the person for you. The process will take time...love yourself along the way and don't put yourself down because the process takes "too long". It takes just long enough.

I recommend the following for reading and soul-searching.

http://members.optusnet.com.au/~acceptance/YourPurposeWeb/TransformFeartoLove.htm

Fire

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you have come to a great chasm. Jump. It's not as wide as you think.

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RE: How to work with an emotionally damaged slave - 2/9/2006 2:26:51 PM

veronicaofML

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I read a post and a Mistress mentioned she was working with a damaged sub. That got me thinking about my own "damage" and would like to try to work through it, myself. I didnt really realise this till a Mistress messeged me saying I was under consideration and in the end rejected me for my limits. I am very shaken one because she rejected me and two, because I would be terrified to be under the grip of a domme again. The compulsion to serve is so deep that I have begun a regiment to better myself so I am more pleasing to a Master/Mistress and to abolish my limits that I have created. In truth, a Mistress is a hard limit for me at this point. Im not looking for "go see a shrink". I would like real suggestions.

What are your experiences in working with subs/slaves that have been scared emotionally and what has worked for you in fixing that?

< Message edited by ShivaTS -- 2/9/2006 3:47:28 PM >
=====
ah shitski.
what can "I" say.
ask anyone on here,..they'll tell ya i dont play well with other boys and girls.
i am NOT a social creature.
damaged subs/slaves?
i guess that's me then.

rejected you because of your limits/
it's okay
i got rejected because of my bad stomach...go figure.

compulsion to serve is too deep..
uh yep
know whatcha mean girlfriend.
mine is SO deeply ingrained...to serve...but all "I" ....HAVE...to offer...is mere drudgery housework.
i aint fit for nothing else.
or so i am told.

a Mistress is a hard limit for you..oh kay---
then do NOT listen to any Mistress....period!
tell him no but thank you.

real suggestions?
hun i am not sure what YOU would consider REAL?
do i say, lemme help ya make out a profile that only male doms will look at? i can try?
do i edit your emails so YOU dont have to deal with em?
i can try?
do i look for a dom for you? i can try?

what is real to YOU?
m a y b e ??? ya ask nicely..one of the cooler dudes on here..like ole Bear or someone to help ya find a dom?

i am out of ideas?

lemme know IF i CAN help?

later, huh?

and uh
take care, please?

_____________________________

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RE: How to work with an emotionally damaged slave - 2/9/2006 3:15:25 PM

SimplyV

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I guess you could say I work with damaged subs. Though if they read this I will deny saying that. :)

I don't like to think of people as damaged. For me.. its destructive thinking. Everyone has baggage and things that set them off or limits.. or things they don't like.. things they do like.. For me.. calling yourself "damaged" is much like someone with one leg saying they're a worthless cripple.

Wounds of any kind take time to heal. Much like learning to "walk" or adjusting to losing a limb, emotional wounds take time to heal and adjust. In time, the pain will fade, but there may always be remaining scars. But unlike losing a limb, you can grow your heart back. You can grow your pride back. You can be whole again. But it may take a lot of time.. and a lot of work.. and a lot of patience.

Find someone you can talk to.. who has been through something similar.. who you also respect who they've become (if they haven't healed from it themselves they won't be able to help you). They should be able to help guide you and help you understand your emotions, desires, angers, fears.

Seeking help is the first step to finding it.

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RE: How to work with an emotionally damaged slave - 2/9/2006 3:22:54 PM

veronicaofML

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Wounds of any kind take time to heal. Much like learning to "walk" or adjusting to losing a limb, emotional wounds take time to heal and adjust. In time, the pain will fade, but there may always be remaining scars. But unlike losing a limb, you can grow your heart back. You can grow your pride back. You can be whole again. But it may take a lot of time.. and a lot of work.. and a lot of patience.
------

i hope for this girl..you are right.
i think she deserves it.

but ..
i am 52 yrs old and my "scars" are as old as i am...and i aint gonna heal..as long as things are thrown back in my face and told i am still a no good low life sumbitch

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RE: How to work with an emotionally damaged slave - 2/9/2006 3:37:07 PM

SimplyV

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quote:

ORIGINAL: veronicaofML

but ..
i am 52 yrs old and my "scars" are as old as i am...and i aint gonna heal..as long as things are thrown back in my face and told i am still a no good low life sumbitch

Well some scars stay with you. And sometimes you just forget they're there until something brings it up. I still have some of my own. They may go away.. they may not. As it is.. I have a hard limit of "No use of the word dirty in reference to me in any kind of sexual reference or play"

Even years .. hell Its probably been at least 25 yrs now? Call me a dirty girl during sex and I'm curled in a ball, terrified, and I ain't coming out.

A good Dom should understand these potholes and be able to work around them and help you fill them in and make them smaller. But finding a Dom that wants to take on that chore, is a tough one.

Healing yourself is a slow process. Be patient.

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RE: How to work with an emotionally damaged slave - 2/9/2006 3:40:34 PM

veronicaofML

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i only hope this girl here comes out okay on this

she really needs it

i hate to see others in pain when i know what it is myself

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RE: How to work with an emotionally damaged slave - 2/9/2006 4:02:52 PM

ShivaTS

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressFire70

Would you sell yourself for sex?
Would you sell yourself for love?

Note: These are not sales for cash...selling here refers to emotional selling, i.e. you are trading part of your self worth to get it.

Some of us would answer yes to the first one. People who do are trying to create emotional connections using sex. For them, how much sex they have or how good of sex they have is directly related to how much they feel loved.

The harder one of the two, I think, is the second. It's much more subtle. People who sell themselves for love, as I have discovered I did, will chip away at themselves. They do this to try and fit into the mold the other person claims to want just so that the other person will love them. If the other person loves them, then surely, they are worthy of love, right?

Fire

You're the first person to put to words how I fee. I am the second.

I will need to think about what was said in the link. Thank you.

I created this post to learn about being dominated by a Mistress again. I will litterally freeze if a woman, not just a domme, is emotionally too close or I find physically attractive. Much like a dear caught in the headlights, unable to think, react. Ive delt with it by consentrating on the tasks given to me not on the person giving it. I know its within myself, but I dont know the way to work though it. Thank you for giving me some tools to work with.

The questions I have posted on all the forums are about learning and working through emotions. For all the help I thank everyone for their input.

< Message edited by ShivaTS -- 2/9/2006 4:19:50 PM >

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RE: How to work with an emotionally damaged slave - 2/9/2006 7:05:56 PM

blackpearl81

Posts: 506
Joined: 8/30/2005
From: Home of the Yankees
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ShivaTS

I read a post and a Mistress mentioned she was working with a damaged sub. That got me thinking about my own "damage" and would like to try to work through it, myself. I didnt really realise this till a Mistress messeged me saying I was under consideration and in the end rejected me for my limits. I am very shaken one because she rejected me and two, because I would be terrified to be under the grip of a domme again. The compulsion to serve is so deep that I have begun a regiment to better myself so I am more pleasing to a Master/Mistress and to abolish my limits that I have created. In truth, a Mistress is a hard limit for me at this point. Im not looking for "go see a shrink". I would like real suggestions.

What are your experiences in working with subs/slaves that have been scared emotionally and what has worked for you in fixing that?

What post was this? Just curious because I'd like to read it..

Thank you :)
*BP*

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RE: How to work with an emotionally damaged slave - 2/9/2006 9:09:24 PM

MsSonnetMarwood

Posts: 1898
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
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quote:

I read a post and a Mistress mentioned she was working with a damaged sub. That got me thinking about my own "damage" and would like to try to work through it, myself. I didnt really realise this till a Mistress messeged me saying I was under consideration and in the end rejected me for my limits. I am very shaken one because she rejected me and two, because I would be terrified to be under the grip of a domme again. The compulsion to serve is so deep that I have begun a regiment to better myself so I am more pleasing to a Master/Mistress and to abolish my limits that I have created. In truth, a Mistress is a hard limit for me at this point. Im not looking for "go see a shrink". I would like real suggestions.

What are your experiences in working with subs/slaves that have been scared emotionally and what has worked for you in fixing that?

You also have to remember that you have recently ended a relationship, and need time to just process that.

Whenver a relationship ends that I was emotionally invested in, I swear I never want to be in another one ever again, and truly believe that for a time. After a little time, things get better into perspective.

_____________________________

~Ms. Sonnet Marwood~

Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull somewhere before.

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RE: How to work with an emotionally damaged slave - 2/9/2006 11:14:28 PM

veronicaofML

Posts: 1317
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You also have to remember that you have recently ended a relationship, and need time to just process that.
------------------

okay explain this if ya can
if ya would
process what
doesnt everyone just go out and get blasted drunk and say to hell with it

most people i know where i come from do it
theres nothing TO process is there?>
ya just put em on a shitlist and keep em there

what'd i miss along the way?

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RE: How to work with an emotionally damaged slave - 2/10/2006 6:00:22 AM

MsSonnetMarwood

Posts: 1898
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From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
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quote:

what'd i miss along the way?

The usual.

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RE: How to work with an emotionally damaged slave - 2/10/2006 10:00:35 AM

yourMissTress

Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ShivaTS

I read a post and a Mistress mentioned she was working with a damaged sub. That got me thinking about my own "damage" and would like to try to work through it, myself. I didnt really realise this till a Mistress messeged me saying I was under consideration and in the end rejected me for my limits. I am very shaken one because she rejected me and two, because I would be terrified to be under the grip of a domme again. The compulsion to serve is so deep that I have begun a regiment to better myself so I am more pleasing to a Master/Mistress and to abolish my limits that I have created. In truth, a Mistress is a hard limit for me at this point. Im not looking for "go see a shrink". I would like real suggestions.

What are your experiences in working with subs/slaves that have been scared emotionally and what has worked for you in fixing that?

When we enter into a relationship (friend or lover) we take a chance of being hurt. When we enter into a relationship looking for acceptance and validation that chance is magnified. We are giving another person access into our hearts, minds and souls. We let them in and let them get close and let them know our hopes, dreams and fears. That's scary and difficult and takes courage, confidance and strength.

Many of us have difficulty allowing someone "in". We are afraid that another person will think our innermost desires and fears will be silly or stupid. We don't accept ourselves as we are, we don't love ourselves as we are, so the idea that no one else could love and accept us is quite believable and real. Which in turn keeps those people at a distance, keeps them from getting close, and gives them the impression that we don't want or trust them. It's very confusing to the other person, when we profess our love, but don't share and give of ourselves in a manner that exhibits such.

When we do not possess self acceptance, we cannot have self worth. We then attempt to derive self worth from others. Striving for their approval and equating that to self worth. Thus becoming dependent on the approval of others to feel ok. This fosters a false sense of acceptance and security. The slightest hint of displeasure or disagreement will crumble the faulty foundation and the walls of self doubt and fear will tumble down.

If you are dependent on your significant other to supply you with and bolster your self worth, you are putting unrealistic and impossible expectations on them. Very low self esteem results in people that are extremely needy and self worth can't be derived from outside sources. Self worth must be found within.

The lessons of love begin with you, yourself. You can't give away what you do not possess.

My suggestion is that you begin to love yourself. Not easy, I know, but until you do that you are doomed to unhappy and unfulfilling relationships at best, and extremely harmful to you and others at worst.

How do you begin to love yourself? Message me on the otherside...I have a few ideas for you.

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"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother

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RE: How to work with an emotionally damaged slave - 2/10/2006 10:52:42 AM

veronicaofML

Posts: 1317
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quote:

what'd i miss along the way?

The usual.
=================

which means? the mamby pamby hold someones hand and powder their butt for em b.s.?

wasn't raised that way.
as an adult you are supposed to..stand on your own 2 feet w/o help from anyone..emotionally---mentally// physically

what is// support group?
a bunch of people sitting around carrying on, when they could be out doing something?

dont want no part of it
thanks

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RE: How to work with an emotionally damaged slave - 2/10/2006 12:36:59 PM

MsSonnetMarwood

Posts: 1898
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From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
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quote:

which means? the mamby pamby hold someones hand and powder their butt for em b.s.?

wasn't raised that way.

Yes. Everyone who has read the boards for more than a week knows that you have and want no emotional ties and don't understand such things. WE GET IT.

So why do you demand over and over to have them explained to you when you're not really interested in hearing it and are only going to be negative to any kind of explanation you get? You're not going to understand them and what's more, you don't really want to.

Sheesh. Let the emotional people talk amongst themselves without having to contantly jump in and condemn normal human emotions.

< Message edited by MsSonnetMarwood -- 2/10/2006 12:38:43 PM >

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RE: How to work with an emotionally damaged slave - 2/10/2006 1:36:13 PM

veronicaofML

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Sheesh. Let the emotional people talk amongst themselves without having to contantly jump in and condemn normal human emotions.

< Message edited by MsSonnetMarwood -- 2/10/2006 2:38:43 PM >
----------

so what does that mean?

everyone here is emotionally stunted and cant do anything on their own?

i am asking questions.
how in hell am i supposed to know which road is which if i dont know which way you are pointing?

ya'all run your mouth,.,.no such thing as a stupid question so when i ask ya get mad
ya sound more and more like my elders everyday
what it comes down to..is you dont HAVE any answers and are afraid to admit it?

if i am going to GRASP emotional ties? i NEED to know where your head is at so i can TRY to judge if "I" can grasp it..but oh no...that's too much for you?

oh puh leeeze

sounds like all talk and no action
do you or do you NOT know what you are talking about?
the jury is waiting

i cannot understand emotions if the answers are not forthcoming

now m'Lady
can you explain it?

_____________________________

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RE: How to work with an emotionally damaged slave - 2/10/2006 1:43:57 PM

JohnWarren

Posts: 3807
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From: Delray Beach, FL
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MsSonnetMarwood

quote:

which means? the mamby pamby hold someones hand and powder their butt for em b.s.?

wasn't raised that way.

Yes. Everyone who has read the boards for more than a week knows that you have and want no emotional ties and don't understand such things. WE GET IT.

So why do you demand over and over to have them explained to you when you're not really interested in hearing it and are only going to be negative to any kind of explanation you get? You're not going to understand them and what's more, you don't really want to.

Sheesh. Let the emotional people talk amongst themselves without having to contantly jump in and condemn normal human emotions.

Going from the posts I've read, I get the impression of someone who is so emotional crippled that he hates everyone different and everyone who has managed to work their way beyond a narcissistic child-like stage because they can appreciate the kind of human contact and interaction that seems to be beyond his ability. This sort of "I'll tell you I hate you before you get close enough to hate me" isn't all that uncommon. The inability to use the board's quoting mechanism is interesting since the system is quite intuitive and user-friendly, but my feeling is that, while it may be a competence-based predicament, it is more likely a juvenile attempt at acting out.

However, he doesn't seem dangerous or harmful to anyone, with the exception of himself and his own reputation. Because of this I've had his posts on block for quite a while. Recently, I made an exception in order to confirm that one had the degree if bigotry and racism that seemed to have triggered the replies that I could see. Sadly, the replies seemed to be an accurate reflection of the original post so I returned to my previous protocol.

In short, block is your friend in this case, MsSonnetMarwood. I recommend its use as your considerable insight can be used more profitably to help others on this board

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RE: How to work with an emotionally damaged slave - 2/10/2006 1:50:49 PM

michaelGA

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i admit to being emotionally damaged and tend to have numerous mood swings (which i am currently working to correct) and i feel that there are just some people will never understand, much less except, anyone with this affliction.

why, then, did this thread come to bare and why so closed minded about it?

(not directed to anyone but the OP of this thread)

< Message edited by michaelGA -- 2/10/2006 1:52:01 PM >

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RE: How to work with an emotionally damaged slave - 2/10/2006 2:19:29 PM

veronicaofML

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In short, block is your friend in this case, MsSonnetMarwood. I recommend its use as your considerable insight can be used more profitably to help others on this board

=============

uh yep

just what i thought
some people cant handle the exposed bare truth so you act like a snob and play along with the group to save your own hide

yep
my convictions get stronger everyday
i have yet to be proven wrong

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