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confused sub - the transition from OL to RL - 6/3/2009 5:05:29 AM   
sub4spanks


Posts: 19
Joined: 1/8/2009
Status: offline 		i am really doing this as a theraputic excerise in order to me to make sense of things.  if more experinced people  wish to give there views or opinions thats cool.

about a month ago i met the most awesome person on here. he moved quickly and told me i was his, had me do a few tasks and spent alot of time talking on IM and on the phone. We were practically in a relationship before we met with him and i did feel quite owned and i loved it. We decided to meet and this took place at the weekend just gone. We had a really good time together, mostly had vanilla sex, one kinky time *which i felt i kinda talked him into - he said he didnt feel like he knew me well enough for kinky...but then did it anyway* then he said we'd see each other again and he wud visit me next time. Now i am totally confused about it. We still spent alot of time on IM but the phone calls and lil tasks have stopped leaving me feeling un-owned again. I have tried talking to him about it last night and it just ended in a bit of an argument. There seems to be a slight personaility clash - im quite intense and say directly what i mean. he is more laid back and doesnt really see why i have an issue at all. He says he still likes me and hes tried to tell me that in his own way. I am a very insecure and negative person so i dont know if its that and im perhaps seeing things which arent there. He said we are together just not 'full on' so things are still pretty vauge.To me he just seems to have changed slightly...or maybe hes sick of saying the same things to me - but thats what  i need from him until my confidence builds up. he said he has tried to tell me how he feels ect and i dont respond to it - which i disagreed with as i know id totally embrace it if he did to that, and so he has stopped trying. For example if ive told him ive missed him or have been thinking about him he replies with an 'lol' or a smilie which is frustrating. im worried to talk to him bout it now coz i dont wanna push him away and put him off me, which i  do tend to do with people i like. if he took a more relaxed approach in the begining before we met that would have been fine. i want things to run as smoothly as possible and for him to be a proper dom to me...like how it was before we met - but better. i probs shouldnt post this incase he sees it and thinks im an even bigger nut job!

Have i tried to push things on him and hes not keen so has backed off a little?
Am i expecting too much too soon?

This probably doesnt read so well so apologies.
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RE: confused sub - the transition from OL to RL - 6/3/2009 5:12:50 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		You had sex but he told you that he didn't feel he knew you enough for kink?

I suspect that he's a Dom wannabe who posed as a Dom to get sex and got what he wanted.





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RE: confused sub - the transition from OL to RL - 6/3/2009 5:14:18 AM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		It sounds to me like he led you on, met you, fucked you and is now dumping you.
I could be wrong....

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RE: confused sub - the transition from OL to RL - 6/3/2009 5:15:58 AM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline 		He sounds like a player that got the booty call he was looking for and is now moving on.

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RE: confused sub - the transition from OL to RL - 6/3/2009 5:17:28 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		You cannot expect communication online to come across in the same way that it comes across face to face.  Unless he is a poet or great writer, you won't get emotion over in the written.  Imagine the scene.  Your sitting with him and tell him you miss him, what do you think he would do?  Smile at you?  Reach out and touch you or embrace you?  Well, a smilie is a smile.  Just because he cannot relay it over IM, doesn't mean he isn't trying.
 
So my impression is that you are over reacting just a smidge.
 
And a month is not a long time at all.  In fact, the move from online to flesh has been quite fast.  I think you may just be rushing the relationship instead of enjoying the experience and wanting more.  If he isn't moving at your pace, that might just be incompatability.  It's been a month and your pushing for a full on relationship from what you have written and he comes across as just going with the flow.  You want your confidence building - he can't do that if you rush it.  Confidence builds over time, you have given him a month.  Breath in and slow down is the best I can suggest.
 
the.dark.

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RE: confused sub - the transition from OL to RL - 6/3/2009 5:22:00 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		Can I ask OP, has his emotional responsiveness changed since you met? I see you are saying the amount of calls etc has changed but if he has always been distant then that is what he is. You say you 'need' it to feel confident and thats cool but the problem is if he is not that kind of person then really its a compatibility issue. I may be completely off base but often after meeting expectations change, often you want more, maybe you do not consciously see it and instead are almost blaming him. It could also be at the same time he is feeling inadequate, maybe he felt you wanted something different which is making him question his dominance. It could be he feels that you are moving too fast, both of you really, I mean you said yourself he said you where his really quickly and that you felt owned before you even checked how well you clicked physically maybe that has thrown things.

Of course he could have just been trying to get his leg over

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RE: confused sub - the transition from OL to RL - 6/3/2009 5:22:41 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		Good grief.  The guy wants to slow down after a month and he is suddenly not a dom and he is a player?
I honestly cannot believe the responses.  I totally believe if this was reversed, people would be suggesting, he would be 'too demanding and a player because he is a control freak'.
 
There is no such thing as a wannabe or a player - it just means people don't fit your criteria of what you think a dominant should be like.  Way to go making a woman who requires immediate reassurance as a confidence booster, feel like shes been fucked over.
 
the.dark.


< Message edited by Darcyandthedark -- 6/3/2009 5:24:30 AM >

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RE: confused sub - the transition from OL to RL - 6/3/2009 5:25:43 AM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline 		Sorry dark...but i feel thats EXACTLY whats happened here....if i felt for one minute that it sounded like the guy was on the "up and up" i would have said so.... 

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RE: confused sub - the transition from OL to RL - 6/3/2009 5:25:46 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		You've known him for less than a month and want a full on commitment. Of course he's running the other way. Give the poor guy some space, your neediness is causing him to back off. Deal with your own issues.

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RE: confused sub - the transition from OL to RL - 6/3/2009 5:26:24 AM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
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Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

You had sex but he told you that he didn't feel he knew you enough for kink?

I suspect that he's a Dom wannabe who posed as a Dom to get sex and got what he wanted.






Yep yep. Guys are guys and some will go anywhere and say anything to get what they want. It also happen that some have dommy fantasies that quickly dissapate after they get what they want ala sex and you.

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RE: confused sub - the transition from OL to RL - 6/3/2009 5:28:47 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

Sorry dark...but i feel thats EXACTLY whats happened here....if i felt for one minute that it sounded like the guy was on the "up and up" i would have said so.... 


It's been a month and the OP want's commitment.  I sense desperation.  Me?  I'd back off a bit too - sex or no sex.
 
the.dark.

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RE: confused sub - the transition from OL to RL - 6/3/2009 5:30:55 AM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline 		dark, i do understand your point of view, i just disagree. Still admire, and maybe even love you....but disagree none the less

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RE: confused sub - the transition from OL to RL - 6/3/2009 5:34:46 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

dark, i do understand your point of view, i just disagree. Still admire, and maybe even love you....but disagree none the less


Aw shucks.*shuffles feets and blushes*
 
the.dark.
(.whoknowshelovesthebreathingone.)

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RE: confused sub - the transition from OL to RL - 6/3/2009 5:35:06 AM   
sub4spanks


Posts: 19
Joined: 1/8/2009
Status: offline 		Thanx for all ur replies..ill try and respond as best as i can...
firstly i dont think it was simply just a sex thing - hes a good looking guy and wouldnt need to meet someone out of his area to get it. As for the 'dom wannabe' he previously had a sub for around a year.
I am not wanting total commintment - id just be happy knowing where i stood with him, its mixed signals all the way which leaves me all confused and thats when my insecurities show and i am aware i do need do deal with that.
to colouredin - he has always been quite private and isnt into all the lovely dovey stuff, which i accept so i cant say 100% for sure on if his emotional responses have changed/

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RE: confused sub - the transition from OL to RL - 6/3/2009 5:35:29 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		This thread is reminding me of the dominant catch 22 one.

Its one side of a story, missing vital information yet people can say exactly what has happened. Based on expectations of stereotypes of men.

I had something really similar happen with me, it was a few months online then we met then i heard very little from him, not just because he wanted to get his leg over indeed it was the opposite, he was struggling with the fact that we clicked and he didnt feel completely over his prior relationship so didn't know what to do for the best (I didnt find this out til later and I find it hard to 'go back'). Two years on I still hear from him asking if I would give him a chance. Course I assumed he just wanted a shag at the time.

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RE: confused sub - the transition from OL to RL - 6/3/2009 5:39:23 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		I get the impression from what you have said that he has told you where he stands - I can understand why he doesn't want kinky play and hes told you why - you aren't hearing it or it isn't the answer you want.  You either decide that you are not compatable and end the relationship or accept his words and see how the relationship unfolds.  If you're unhappy sex wise, just don't have sex until hes ready for the kink.
 
the.dark.

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love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

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RE: confused sub - the transition from OL to RL - 6/3/2009 5:39:44 AM   
marie2


Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
Status: offline 		This is going to be blunt, and please keep in mind that it's only an opinion based upon the info given and of course I could be wrong.  But from what you have said here, it sounds like a classic case of "Tell her what she wants to hear to get her pants off, then keep her on the fence afterwards till I find someone I like more".   

My guess is that he's turned vague and ambiguous because he doesn't want you to feel like there's something solid between you because that would take you too deep into the sham.  Yet, he still gives you just enough to keep you hanging on, because he isn't quite done with you.  You're the "place holder" girl, you're the piece of ass and company that he keeps until he finds the girl he really wants to be with. 

There's nothing wrong with you and you haven't done anything wrong, he probably just feels that you're not the right one for him, and rather than be honest with you, he's going to soak you for whatever he can get, because it's better than nothing until he finds the girl he fits with better.   From what you've described, it sounds pretty classic, especially because he was hot and heavy before you met and now he has cooled off.   In my view that's the opposite of how it should go.  Please keep in mind I am speaking from my own experiences here:  When both parties are genuinely into one another, it starts off slower and gradually heats up and begins to ascend.  It doesn't start off hot and heavy then markedly begin to cool down right after you've met and had sex.

< Message edited by marie2 -- 6/3/2009 5:41:28 AM >

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RE: confused sub - the transition from OL to RL - 6/3/2009 5:42:12 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sub4spanks
to colouredin - he has always been quite private and isnt into all the lovely dovey stuff, which i accept so i cant say 100% for sure on if his emotional responses have changed/


If he is always private then you really can't expect a transition over night. I know that often we rush in all guns blazing, our emotions all over the shop telling us how wonderful it was, but the problem is that as the.darkness has said it has only been a month.

I know often we see things differently post meeting, like we are owed more but if he hasn't really changed then you cant expect a sudden one, maybe it is something that you can develop over time.

I may be wrong it may of course simply be he didnt feel a spark, that he didnt have a D/s connection with you, but I see a lot of expectation in your post and that can push people away and distort the reality.

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RE: confused sub - the transition from OL to RL - 6/3/2009 5:45:44 AM   
sub4spanks


Posts: 19
Joined: 1/8/2009
Status: offline 		i do know what im going to do about this, and this is back off, let him take control and if he wants to discuss it fine if not hopefully his dominance might kick in more again. It is hard talking about sensitive issues over IM as thingas get so easily mis interprated so if im still confused when i see him next *if ive not traumatised him too much!* ill try and talk to him about things face to face. I just wanted to post it coz i knew id get a varation of replies

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RE: confused sub - the transition from OL to RL - 6/3/2009 5:48:38 AM   
sub4spanks


Posts: 19
Joined: 1/8/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: marie2

This is going to be blunt, and please keep in mind that it's only an opinion based upon the info given and of course I could be wrong.  But from what you have said here, it sounds like a classic case of "Tell her what she wants to hear to get her pants off, then keep her on the fence afterwards till I find someone I like more".   

My guess is that he's turned vague and ambiguous because he doesn't want you to feel like there's something solid between you because that would take you too deep into the sham.  Yet, he still gives you just enough to keep you hanging on, because he isn't quite done with you.  You're the "place holder" girl, you're the piece of ass and company that he keeps until he finds the girl he really wants to be with. 

There's nothing wrong with you and you haven't done anything wrong, he probably just feels that you're not the right one for him, and rather than be honest with you, he's going to soak you for whatever he can get, because it's better than nothing until he finds the girl he fits with better.   From what you've described, it sounds pretty classic, especially because he was hot and heavy before you met and now he has cooled off.   In my view that's the opposite of how it should go.  Please keep in mind I am speaking from my own experiences here:  When both parties are genuinely into one another, it starts off slower and gradually heats up and begins to ascend.  It doesn't start off hot and heavy then markedly begin to cool down right after you've met and had sex.


That is what i think is happening too...uve articulated it better than i could have. Bit upsetting none the less :(

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