RE: confused sub - the transition from OL to RL

RE: confused sub - the transition from OL to RL (Full Version)

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colouredin -> RE: confused sub - the transition from OL to RL (6/3/2009 5:50:35 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sub4spanks i do know what im going to do about this, and this is back off, let him take control and if he wants to discuss it fine if not hopefully his dominance might kick in more again. It is hard talking about sensitive issues over IM as thingas get so easily mis interprated so if im still confused when i see him next if ive not traumatised him too much! ill try and talk to him about things face to face. I just wanted to post it coz i knew id get a varation of replies That is probably the best bet, the way he responds will inform you of his feelings. I think communication is vital too but if he feels you are pushing then it wouldnt be the best thing to do. As is so keenly shown on this thread there could be a million and one reasons for it. I guess its just a case of wait and see.

sub4spanks -> RE: confused sub - the transition from OL to RL (6/3/2009 6:02:05 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: colouredin quote: ORIGINAL: sub4spanks i do know what im going to do about this, and this is back off, let him take control and if he wants to discuss it fine if not hopefully his dominance might kick in more again. It is hard talking about sensitive issues over IM as thingas get so easily mis interprated so if im still confused when i see him next if ive not traumatised him too much! ill try and talk to him about things face to face. I just wanted to post it coz i knew id get a varation of replies That is probably the best bet, the way he responds will inform you of his feelings. I think communication is vital too but if he feels you are pushing then it wouldnt be the best thing to do. As is so keenly shown on this thread there could be a million and one reasons for it. I guess its just a case of wait and see. yeah, thanx for ur replies, been very helpful. gonna just give it a week or two and see what happens - then ill show one way or the other if he wants anything more with me...am i really that sub tho im just gonna hang around and wait for him to decide if im worthy?!!!

colouredin -> RE: confused sub - the transition from OL to RL (6/3/2009 6:06:52 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sub4spanks am i really that sub tho im just gonna hang around and wait for him to decide if im worthy?!!! Oh I hope this was a joke, it is not about whether you are worthy or not, and you can't let this knock your confidence no matter what way it does go. If he doesn't want any more listen to his reasons and if you can learn from them do, but more importantly remember that there are many dominants out there all with different desires and expectations. I spent way too long worrying I wasn't sub enough or wasnt true, when in reality the only real problem was that I was not the right sub for that particular person.

Aileen1968 -> RE: confused sub - the transition from OL to RL (6/3/2009 6:11:39 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sub4spanks gonna just give it a week or two and see what happens - then ill show one way or the other if he wants anything more with me...am i really that sub tho im just gonna hang around and wait for him to decide if im worthy?!!! I stick by my original post. I think he saw you as an easy target and saw you coming a mile away. edited to bold certain words

sleazybutterfly -> RE: confused sub - the transition from OL to RL (6/3/2009 6:19:08 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven You had sex but he told you that he didn't feel he knew you enough for kink? I suspect that he's a Dom wannabe who posed as a Dom to get sex and got what he wanted. Crap, this is what I was thinking, but I was hoping it was just me. I really hope things will work out for you. Some men can do anything online, but when it comes to real life they freak out or don't really want it at all. It's easy to dom online, much harder in person because your real personality comes out and you can't put on a show as easily. The fact that you had to talk him into doing the kinky thing, to me that's a bit different, but I would have been more open to the possibility if things hadn't changed so much once you got back home. I believe this is why I have an issue with online domination. It is possible to get attached to a person as you are going through the act, then once you are in RL, if you ever get there, it can be a huge letdown. If I was saying all you are to him and all he put was a smiley face time after time, I would be reevaluating the entire dynamic myself. It could work out, or it could be you need to lick your wounds and move on, perhaps do things a bit different next time and not get your heart so much into it till you are able to meet. SB

sleazybutterfly -> RE: confused sub - the transition from OL to RL (6/3/2009 6:21:48 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sub4spanks quote: ORIGINAL: colouredin quote: ORIGINAL: sub4spanks i do know what im going to do about this, and this is back off, let him take control and if he wants to discuss it fine if not hopefully his dominance might kick in more again. It is hard talking about sensitive issues over IM as thingas get so easily mis interprated so if im still confused when i see him next if ive not traumatised him too much! ill try and talk to him about things face to face. I just wanted to post it coz i knew id get a varation of replies That is probably the best bet, the way he responds will inform you of his feelings. I think communication is vital too but if he feels you are pushing then it wouldnt be the best thing to do. As is so keenly shown on this thread there could be a million and one reasons for it. I guess its just a case of wait and see. yeah, thanx for ur replies, been very helpful. gonna just give it a week or two and see what happens - then ill show one way or the other if he wants anything more with me...am i really that sub tho im just gonna hang around and wait for him to decide if im worthy?!!! Sweetie, that has nothing to do with being a sub/slave, that has to do with being a doormat and desperate. I don't think you are either, so please lick your wounds and move on. There are better ones out there. Good luck SB

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: confused sub - the transition from OL to RL (6/3/2009 6:21:53 AM)
I'm actually going to address the OP on this, rather than the situation. See, it seems to me, sub4spanks, that you've got a lot of issues going on -personally-, regarding your self-awareness, self-esteem, and your connection with others. Before getting involved with someone, I think you -really- need to get yourself sorted out. I wouldn't necessarily cut off communication with this person -- I think he may -also- be adjusting to the intensity of the experience and, frankly, most dominant-type individuals -ARE- the "brakes", so to speak, holding things back so they don't run head-long into disaster. However, it seems that everything that has happened has really awakened some complex and serious issues of insecurity and fear of abandonment in you, and those are things that you need to work on in -yourself- before you can be healthy in -any- relationship. Just my two cents, Dame Calla

MissIsis -> RE: confused sub - the transition from OL to RL (6/3/2009 6:24:29 AM)
Sounds like he enjoyed the chase, getting to know you, fishing to get you hooked enough to have sex with you, & now that he has succeeded, has had his fill. This happens all the time. Wish I had some good advice for you. I will refrain from saying guys, & just say, people don't like being pushed into a corner. They don't like complete honesty, or don't know how to be honest enough to say they had their fill of someone & it was enough for them. Read between the lines if you can, dust yourself off, & move on. These sorts of endings are difficult, at best & more difficult to avoid. Some people view it as part of the getting to see if I like the person well enough for more stage. Other questions to ask yourself: Did the real time meeting happen at a hotel, your place, or his home? Have you dropped by his place unexpected, "to surprise" him? He could be involved with someone else as well. People are very good about justifying having sex or relationships outside their regular relationships. They will say they aren't getting what they need on the home front, or that their partner doesn't understand their needs or desires, or whatever. They will tell themselves it is ok to have something on the side, so long as it doesn't interfere with the main relationship, or so long as it doesn't become too intense. Good luck with this. It sounds like a brush-off to me from what little you wrote. I suppose I could be wrong.

sub4spanks -> RE: confused sub - the transition from OL to RL (6/3/2009 6:32:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW I'm actually going to address the OP on this, rather than the situation. See, it seems to me, sub4spanks, that you've got a lot of issues going on -personally-, regarding your self-awareness, self-esteem, and your connection with others. Before getting involved with someone, I think you -really- need to get yourself sorted out. I wouldn't necessarily cut off communication with this person -- I think he may -also- be adjusting to the intensity of the experience and, frankly, most dominant-type individuals -ARE- the "brakes", so to speak, holding things back so they don't run head-long into disaster. However, it seems that everything that has happened has really awakened some complex and serious issues of insecurity and fear of abandonment in you, and those are things that you need to work on in -yourself- before you can be healthy in -any- relationship. Just my two cents, Dame Calla Thank u for your honesty, i have been like this for many years, often scarying people i like away because of it, the more it happens, the worse i become - its a vicious circle which i dont know how to break. Im not sure how much i want to reveal about myself but the dom in question does know of this and has stated it doesnt faze him, from ur post i got the impression u think hes holding back to try and save myself from myself?

sub4spanks -> RE: confused sub - the transition from OL to RL (6/3/2009 6:38:57 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MissIsis Other questions to ask yourself: Did the real time meeting happen at a hotel, your place, or his home? Have you dropped by his place unexpected, "to surprise" him? He could be involved with someone else as well. People are very good about justifying having sex or relationships outside their regular relationships. They will say they aren't getting what they need on the home front, or that their partner doesn't understand their needs or desires, or whatever. They will tell themselves it is ok to have something on the side, so long as it doesn't interfere with the main relationship, or so long as it doesn't become too intense. Good luck with this. It sounds like a brush-off to me from what little you wrote. I suppose I could be wrong. We spent 2 nights in a hotel...i travelled to his hometown about 200 miles away from mine. He couldnt come to mine that particular weekend nor could i stay at his place as he lives with family so i hotel was the best thing to do. So no, ive never just dropped around his place. He was sooo sweet when we met tho it really didnt seem like he'd had enough of me or didnt want to see me again. He give me alot of affection during our weekend, and not all of it was spent in the hotel room, we went shopping, went to a couple of pubs aswell. Im 99% sure there is no one else as when he isnt at work he spents alot of time online and i put up pictures of us on facebook which we took in the room.

FriskyBiscuit -> RE: confused sub - the transition from OL to RL (6/3/2009 6:53:43 AM)
As a man I concur; seems pretty cut and dry.

SassySarijane -> RE: confused sub - the transition from OL to RL (6/3/2009 6:57:00 AM)
One way to break that cycle is to get counselling. You recognize that you have the problem, now you need to work on it. A counselor can work with you and help you find the tools and key that will best help you overcome the issue. Desperation and neediness are very offputting as you are aware, so get it in gear and start working on fixing it. I have to agree with .thedarks. take on it. It really didn't come across as him being a user asshole who got what he wanted to me. It came across as you seem to be pushing too hard for too much too fast for him. Slow down, back off and take the time to build it strong. Let him make the moves and see where that leads. If he backs off and stops communication, then let it go and understand you were incompatible. Has nothing to do with being sub enough or not, that is just bs. There is no measurement of subliness that must be met to qualify for being a submissive or being acceptable as a submissive. It is an individual thing. I hope things will work out ok for you however things end up.

OsideGirl -> RE: confused sub - the transition from OL to RL (6/3/2009 7:29:53 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark quote: ORIGINAL: breatheasone Sorry dark...but i feel thats EXACTLY whats happened here....if i felt for one minute that it sounded like the guy was on the "up and up" i would have said so.... It's been a month and the OP want's commitment. I sense desperation. Me? I'd back off a bit too - sex or no sex. the.dark. Or it could be a combination of both. He has no real life experience with D/s. Met in real life, couldn't handle kinky sex until he was pressured into it. Now he's uncomfortable because he's out of the online fantasy and feeling pressured. quote: ORIGINAL: sub4spanks . As for the 'dom wannabe' he previously had a sub for around a year. Yeah, cuz people never lie about experience. And was that sub real life or online? quote: ORIGINAL: sub4spanks nor could i stay at his place as he lives with family What family? Unless he lives with family to take care of a family member......you should probably look at that carefully.

sub4spanks -> RE: confused sub - the transition from OL to RL (6/3/2009 7:49:47 AM)
it was a RL dom/sub relationship he had...a long distance one though hes only young so doesnt have his own place as yet.

OsideGirl -> RE: confused sub - the transition from OL to RL (6/3/2009 8:07:50 AM)
Again, you really don't know that he had a submissive. You only know what he told you. Someone with no experience gets turned down A LOT. So, it's a common dishonesty point. As for the too young thing to be on his own thing: The reality is you're dating someone late teens/early 20s.

LaTigresse -> RE: confused sub - the transition from OL to RL (6/3/2009 8:11:08 AM)
You are both young. Slow down. Relax. Stop trying to push the guy into a 'relationship'. Open your eyes and take off the rose coloured glasses. He might be bullshitting you to get some pussy. But if he is near your age, he might be a bit scared and intimidated by the whole thing. Your behaviour might be acerbating the "oh fuck she wants a freaking commitment already!!" flight reaction, most young (and some older) guys have. Just chilllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll. Back off, give him some space. If he wants to be with you, he will track you down.

sub4spanks -> RE: confused sub - the transition from OL to RL (6/3/2009 8:14:51 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LaTigresse You are both young. Slow down. Relax. Stop trying to push the guy into a 'relationship'. Open your eyes and take off the rose coloured glasses. He might be bullshitting you to get some pussy. But if he is near your age, he might be a bit scared and intimidated by the whole thing. Your behaviour might be acerbating the "oh fuck she wants a freaking commitment already!!" flight reaction, most young (and some older) guys have. Just chilllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll. Back off, give him some space. If he wants to be with you, he will track you down. lol hopefully!

LaTigresse -> RE: confused sub - the transition from OL to RL (6/3/2009 9:22:40 AM)
If not, you've got your answer and you will be free to find someone that shares the same goals as you.

SailingBum -> RE: confused sub - the transition from OL to RL (6/3/2009 9:43:17 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: marie2 This is going to be blunt, and please keep in mind that it's only an opinion based upon the info given and of course I could be wrong. But from what you have said here, it sounds like a classic case of "Tell her what she wants to hear to get her pants off, then keep her on the fence afterwards till I find someone I like more". Whoa ...wait a friggin minute here... This poor maltreated girl got "taken advantage" by this "uber dom". I'm reading this as some desperate girl paraphrasing her words we are almost a "couple" before we met blah blah...being so "needy" banging the first guy that will give her the time of day. And oh boy does it get better. When she doesnt get her way as the relationship progresses <such as it is> she cries foul. So excuse me if I don't buy this whiney line of bull shit. Whatever happened to the old fashioned "look before you leap" theory of life. Back in the stone age it when like this. Meet something hot. Spend a few hours buying her drinks oh yea i almost forget "get to know her" bang her a couple of times move on. In other words a one nighter. BadOne

agirl -> RE: confused sub - the transition from OL to RL (6/3/2009 10:51:30 AM)
It's been a matter of weeks ...five maybe? He's told you that you're together but not full-on. How can ANYONE be full-on in a matter of weeks? I'd be grateful that he had some common-sense. To me, it sounds like he could be reacting to your intenseness by keeping his hand on the brake. You DO come across as quite high-maintainance in terms of needing to hear things from him in regards to your confidence. Would you rather he just mouthed them and led you on in some way? I don't think the not full-on comment is at ALL vague....it's very clear. He says he's told you how he feels but you seem reluctant to accept it because, perhaps, it isn't what you want to hear. If he said what you WANT him to say , yes, you'd embrace it whole-heartedly. What DO you expect him to say when you tell him you miss him? The smilies and lols frustate you but did you have something else in mind that he should respond with? It's possible that he doesn't miss you, you know. He's only known you for a few weeks! Only you know what you've discussed and talked about in your IM's and phone calls , but be aware that it's VERY easy to say things when online or on the end of a phone. He's now met you , spent time in your company and you both enjoyed it but that IS a shift from endless, idle hours online. Yes, you're expecting too much too soon. Both of you are....saying you're his is expecting too much too soon, too, because he doesn't know* you properly and doesn't know WHAT you are yet, let alone in terms of being his. Treat it as an * I wonder what you're like* period, instead of investing in the idea of owning and being owned. agirl

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