RE: Online to real-time in a month is *fast*?!?

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RE: Online to real-time in a month is *fast*?!? - 6/5/2009 12:30:28 AM

SoulPiercer

Posts: 374
Joined: 5/27/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Andalusite

A bunch of people said in a recent thread, http://www.collarchat.com/m_2641143/tm.htm that moving to real-time in a month was an unreasonably quick transition.

Perhaps someone can clear this up for me:

If you meet someone on eHarmony or Match.com, are you considered "online" and not "real time" until you meet in person? Or is the concept of online vs real time something unique to the BDSM multi-verse. Is real time some other form of time limited only to "the lifestyle"? Is the time we spend emailing and messaging not real?

I've met people as early as 1 week after an initial conversation. Meeting them doesn't mean anything actually happened or that the relationship continued. Others I've never met and probably never will.

For a great many people, their first exposure to BDSM came via the internet. Everything they "know" came from a website, which probably copied information from another website and so on, which is why so many people spout the same "rules" verbatim.

Submission is a gift. Gets me warm and fuzzy everytime I read that in someone's profile.

I understand the wisdom in being safe. However - if that Dom God you just met is a serial killer, it's better that you meet him in the shortest amount of time possible.

Good serial killers take a great deal of time planning their crime. If you meet in a week .. it's not likely he's got a plan in place. If you wait a month, you're doomed.

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(in reply to Andalusite)

Post #: 21

RE: Online to real-time in a month is *fast*?!? - 6/5/2009 12:30:54 AM

WyldHrt

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Joined: 6/5/2008
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quote:

I am willing to meet just about anyone in a public place

9 tomorrow night at the Sushi House in Temecula work for you? Awwww shit, there's that 'distance' thing Greedy mentioned

Honestly, it depends on the distance and situation. The last local D I met was a dinner date after about 2 weeks of internet/ phone calls (took that long for us to both be free on the same night). That said, I'm very interested in a Dom who lives about 1000 miles away, which adds a whole 'nother level of difficulty when it comes to meeting up; logistics, plane tickets, and such.

In the case of someone local, I really don't see a month as being too fast to meet for coffee, dinner, or a movie. JMHO.

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Post #: 22

RE: Online to real-time in a month is *fast*?!? - 6/5/2009 1:25:25 AM

agirl

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Joined: 6/14/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Andalusite

A bunch of people said in a recent thread, http://www.collarchat.com/m_2641143/tm.htm that moving to real-time in a month was an unreasonably quick transition.

How long did it take you between the initial e-mail, initial face-to-face meeting, and official D/s relationship/commitment?

I also didn't read the thread that way.

I think that expecting all the kinds of things that can ONLY occur over time, in a matter of weeks, is unrealistic. That is what I saw in the OP of that thread. All the *saying stuff* and all the *hoping and wishing* cannot take the place of *doing stuff* and *seeing a person in action*.

Telling someone what you're like and them saying *I accept that* simply will never be the same as them actually witnessing the effects of *what you're like* and seeing and experiencing the impact.

There's nothing wrong with leaping into a D/s commitment and relationship as speedily as you want........but you don't really know quite what you're committing to and are doing it with the rough outline. It just means you get to know them with agenda's and expectations in place and in my experience, it's a hinderance. There's always the exception.....there's an exception to everything.

Initial *hello* to meeting....a few weeks. From meeting to being owned...about 5 yrs.

agirl

(in reply to Andalusite)

Post #: 23

RE: Online to real-time in a month is *fast*?!? - 6/5/2009 1:52:19 AM

sub4spanks

Posts: 19
Joined: 1/8/2009
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All very interesting responses...the quickest ive met someone was bout 2 weeks *local* the longest was a year *distance* they were both vanilla meets and have saw neither person again *tho still occasionally talk to the distance one* so getting to know someone online for however long before hand - to me, is irrelevant. It all depends on the people involved, i think its probs safer than meeting someone in a pub/bar so i prefer internet dating. I was perfectly comfortable meeting that Dom in a hotel room after 3 weeks of talking online, we spoke a hell of a lot online, with webcam and a few phone chats *one of which lasted until 5am* Aslong as ur safe, tell someone what ur plans are - i dont think the amount of time spent online matters....as someone said - why wait? gets things happening than keep wondering about the 'if's' and if theres no connection in person fine, u can move on, if there is...awesome and no time wasted :)

(in reply to agirl)

Post #: 24

RE: Online to real-time in a month is *fast*?!? - 6/5/2009 2:12:54 AM

colouredin

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Fastest was about two messages on cm, a phone call, meet at the pub that evening, back to his, a few days later I virtually lived there. Longest to dat was about a year of phoning and messages, the biggest difference was the first guy lived in the next town the other lived 6 hours away.

Anyways thats not what the thread meant. A relationship takes time to grow and develop and a month is a really short time, you need to get comfortable with each other and that takes time. I mean like greedy, I have played with many a person on first meeting, but to establish a committed relationship is a lot deeper than a play.

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Post #: 25

RE: Online to real-time in a month is *fast*?!? - 6/5/2009 3:55:14 AM

DemonKia

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Joined: 10/13/2007
From: Chico, Nor-Cali
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FR, after read thru

My tendency is to take my sweet slow freaking time. Rushing has rarely worked for me in much of anything, & it tends to add to my stress levels. I like just making friends, getting to know people in much more relaxed, much less goal-oriented ways . . . . ..

I have some policies about meeting up. If someone local wants to meet me, I basically require that they meet me at the monthly munch. (I can't do the closeted-kinkster thing in my intimate relationships, so . . . . ) & I'm quick to ask to meet, & not just cuz it's great for filtering out people . . . . . . For instance, a number of guys have approached me here on CM who are local, but were never willing to show up at a munch & meet me . .. . . . . *shrugs* . . . . . I've been stood up a bunch of times by 'online potentials' (yay, craigslist, lol) -- it's good for toughening my hide, hehehe . .. . . ..

I'd be quite skeptical of the whole notion of long-distance relationships & finding partnership over 'teh intrawebs', except there are people who make it work. In our local munch community, for example, there's a couple who'll be celebrating their 12th anniversary this year & they met thru an ad in the back of 'The Advocate' (hard-copy magazine, old skool personal ads) . . . . . They corresponded for a coupla years, & traveled to see each other a few times before one moved to the other (several Western US states apart to start) . . . . . . .

While, in theory, I'm willing to travel around the world to meet someone, it would be strictly on a friendly basis that first time. I require quite a bit of relationship before I'm at all interested in 'putting out', lol . . . . . & I figure if I can get wherever the first time, if I really wanna get back to wherever, I can, lol . . . ...

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Post #: 26

RE: Online to real-time in a month is *fast*?!? - 6/5/2009 4:23:23 AM

CelticPrince

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Andalusite

A bunch of people said in a recent thread, http://www.collarchat.com/m_2641143/tm.htm that moving to real-time in a month was an unreasonably quick transition. I met my Master after we'd only e-mailed and talked on the phone for perhaps a week, a couple of months ago. I also met a bunch of other people here while I was dating within less than 2 weeks from the initial contact. We just got together in public for coffee, or dinner, or some such, though, rather than going off to a hotel room together! I agree that a month is a little quick for making a D/s commitment, but not completely out of line, but I think that spending time together in person multiple times is important before making that commitment, anyway (even in a LDR).

How long did it take you between the initial e-mail, initial face-to-face meeting, and official D/s relationship/commitment?

Andalucite,

I spun through several replies to this post which is an important one for newcomers to read.

As I thought it might be, the replies tend to run toward success stories for short term on line and very few negative results for the short time frame folks. Distance is a big, big factor, but even those close by can be a time waster for a too soon meet. For myself I will learn all I can about a girl and she will in turn come to know me in fine detail ans especially my D/s proclivities so that if there is a move to real time there are no surprises as to mutual like or tolerances. That takes a long time!

CP

(in reply to Andalusite)

Post #: 27

RE: Online to real-time in a month is *fast*?!? - 6/5/2009 4:25:45 AM

colouredin

Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CelticPrince
, but even those close by can be a time waster for a too soon meet. For myself I will learn all I can about a girl and she will in turn come to know me in fine detail ans especially my D/s proclivities so that if there is a move to real time there are no surprises as to mutual like or tolerances. That takes a long time!

Which is a bigger waste of time, meeting someone in the pub for an hour and deciding their is no chemistry or defining yourself for months online then meeting and finding there is no chemistry hmmm

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(in reply to CelticPrince)

Post #: 28

RE: Online to real-time in a month is *fast*?!? - 6/5/2009 4:58:21 AM

allthatjaz

Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

quote:

ORIGINAL: CelticPrince
, but even those close by can be a time waster for a too soon meet. For myself I will learn all I can about a girl and she will in turn come to know me in fine detail ans especially my D/s proclivities so that if there is a move to real time there are no surprises as to mutual like or tolerances. That takes a long time!

Which is a bigger waste of time, meeting someone in the pub for an hour and deciding their is no chemistry or defining yourself for months online then meeting and finding there is no chemistry hmmm

Years ago I had this experience with a guy from abroad. We talked daily on msn and the phone and believe me I was swooning over him. 6 months down the line I got to meet him and it took me all of an hour to decide he was not the guy for me.
I always say (or rather said because Im now in a relationship) to people. We will know if there is chemistry within the first ten minutes.
I gave the Italian guy an hour because he had traveled so far

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(in reply to colouredin)

Post #: 29

RE: Online to real-time in a month is *fast*?!? - 6/5/2009 6:03:35 AM

Missokyst

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Joined: 9/9/2006
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I don't think I ever met anyone with the intent of forming a relationship. I meet people very quickly as a result because for me they are just tom dick or harriet. Meetings are usually quick and hopefully painless. Men, women, subs, dominants, I personally don't think anyone should meet anyone as a role.
That said I did meet my most recent x on the internet. He was looking for a local bdsm group and I run one. We chatted as friends and nothing more for 4 months. Once the munch season started to pick up again we met for the first time, as friends. It sort of took off from that first meeting. I have met plenty of people, I just cannot make a romantic (not the proper word but will do) connection to anyone online. lol I am still amazed that there are men posing as lesbians online.
I like the adage, trust but verify.
Kyst

< Message edited by Missokyst -- 6/5/2009 6:05:05 AM >

(in reply to Andalusite)

Post #: 30

RE: Online to real-time in a month is *fast*?!? - 6/5/2009 7:28:33 AM

MmeGigs

Posts: 706
Joined: 1/26/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Andalusite
How long did it take you between the initial e-mail, initial face-to-face meeting, and official D/s relationship/commitment?

The last time I met someone, we exchanged a handful of short emails before getting together for dinner. We didn't really talk about anything other than where and when. He was clear in his emails that he just wanted to meet and talk, which was very refreshing. He's a nice guy, and I'm looking forward to seeing him again.

I prefer to do all of my getting to know someone face to face. The first thing I want to know about a guy is whether he's okay with being seen with me in public. I'm not interested in getting together "discretely" or in spending months trying to talk someone into going to a munch. I'm unlikely to play with someone unless they've become part of my social circle. I want to drag them along to social events and share them with my friends and have them be part of my life, not just get together at my place for a little slap-and-tickle every now and then.

The relationship/commitment thing takes me a long time. With hubby, it was about 6 months between the first f2f and deciding we were going to try getting serious. It was about 6 months after that I decided I wanted to marry him, and it took me another 6 months to talk him into it. That felt awfully fast to me, but I was pretty sure about him.

(in reply to Andalusite)

Post #: 31

RE: Online to real-time in a month is *fast*?!? - 6/5/2009 7:28:54 AM

RumpusParable

Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Andalusite

A bunch of people said in a recent thread, http://www.collarchat.com/m_2641143/tm.htm that moving to real-time in a month was an unreasonably quick transition. I met my Master after we'd only e-mailed and talked on the phone for perhaps a week, a couple of months ago. I also met a bunch of other people here while I was dating within less than 2 weeks from the initial contact. We just got together in public for coffee, or dinner, or some such, though, rather than going off to a hotel room together! I agree that a month is a little quick for making a D/s commitment, but not completely out of line, but I think that spending time together in person multiple times is important before making that commitment, anyway (even in a LDR).

How long did it take you between the initial e-mail, initial face-to-face meeting, and official D/s relationship/commitment?

My shortest? Maybe 2-3 emails and meeting within a week for a trial day, then entering into D/s... but that was, admittedly, a rare case of just cliquing immediately.

Generally, if someone suits me, a couple-three weeks, depending on work schedules and meeting opportunities and what happens.

I've never been one to drag out a relationship... if someone was right for me, I know pretty fast and move on it fast. If they aren't, I tend to know and act on that quickly, too. Same with "vanilla" relationships.

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(in reply to Andalusite)

Post #: 32

RE: Online to real-time in a month is *fast*?!? - 6/5/2009 7:35:50 AM

VampiresLair

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Fox and I met the day after we started talking online. We went out to a park to walk around and take pictures and talk. We both wanted to get out of the house in the nice weather and decided to do so together. The rest, as they say is history. I have lived in some of the most assessable cities in the world. I can always find somewhere interesting to go and meet if I am so inclined, the first day I talk to someone or a month later. I would prefer to get out and talk face to face in public quickly, rather than draw out an online conversation and let both sides build up ideas of what the other will be like which may or may not be a disappointment. Been there done that, online it is very easy to make yourself seem far more interesting than you really are in real life. Conversation has a tempo and being able to hold one in real time rather than with the pauses for someones typing is a very different thing.

DV

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Post #: 33

RE: Online to real-time in a month is *fast*?!? - 6/5/2009 7:54:00 AM

LaTigresse

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quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

quote:

a month is a little quick for making a D/s commitment

Since you aren't defining what exactly you mean by "real time" and "commitment", it is hard to comment meaningfully.

This is what I was thinking also.

I am all for meeting someone sooner rather than later. Too much time online and via phone and I tend to get bored and lose interest.

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RE: Online to real-time in a month is *fast*?!? - 6/5/2009 8:29:44 AM

breatheasone

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i personally feel having a face to face meeting as soon as possible is a good idea.

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Post #: 35

RE: Online to real-time in a month is *fast*?!? - 6/5/2009 8:51:09 AM

CallaFirestormBW

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I don't think it's too fast... in fact, I won't even consider someone who wants to hang out on email or the phone forever and a day. My rule of thumb is to connect with the person here, talk either through email or on the phone about some basic issues, just to make sure everyone is on the same page (like reinforcing that I'm poly, so a one-on-one relationship isn't a possibility), and then -meet-, in a public place, over a cup of coffee or a light meal, and plan on talking for a couple of hours at least. If we can't keep up a conversation for a couple of hours, we don't have enough in common to consider bringing the person into our household, but xhe might still make a good friend or bottom, if xhe's interested in something like that, so I never consider it complete "waste". Then, if we -do- connect, we either meet one more time in public (which may be going to a munch together or something like that) to hash out the details of the dynamic between us, and then we 'get down to it'. At most it takes 2 weeks. I usually plan on meeting someone in person the following Saturday or Sunday after we've connected here.

Just my 2 cents.
Dame Calla

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Post #: 36

RE: Online to real-time in a month is *fast*?!? - 6/5/2009 11:55:17 AM

NihilusZero

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana

It's less about time than it is chemistry and logistics

20 points.

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Post #: 37

RE: Online to real-time in a month is *fast*?!? - 6/5/2009 2:59:50 PM

YourhandMyAss

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Joined: 6/25/2006
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Status: offline

We had a relationship agree ment with in weeks of talking meaning that I said Ilike you and you like me and I would date you. And then it took us like maybe a few weeks to meet in real life

quote:

ORIGINAL: Andalusite

A bunch of people said in a recent thread, http://www.collarchat.com/m_2641143/tm.htm that moving to real-time in a month was an unreasonably quick transition. I met my Master after we'd only e-mailed and talked on the phone for perhaps a week, a couple of months ago. I also met a bunch of other people here while I was dating within less than 2 weeks from the initial contact. We just got together in public for coffee, or dinner, or some such, though, rather than going off to a hotel room together! I agree that a month is a little quick for making a D/s commitment, but not completely out of line, but I think that spending time together in person multiple times is important before making that commitment, anyway (even in a LDR).

How long did it take you between the initial e-mail, initial face-to-face meeting, and official D/s relationship/commitment?

(in reply to Andalusite)

Post #: 38

RE: Online to real-time in a month is *fast*?!? - 6/5/2009 3:05:53 PM

Christinestill

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oh thanks a lot, now i have the Barney theme song stuck in my head.

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Post #: 39

RE: Online to real-time in a month is *fast*?!? - 6/5/2009 3:08:21 PM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

Yup, I've been talking to someone and the chemistry has been great and it could of only been 2 hours, and I'll say I am free the whole night and talking to you has been so greate, forgive me for being so brash but would you like to come get some coffe with me in 20 minutes. And most people are like sure that'd be wonderful and we do.

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1
However, I am only willing to spend time with people who are not afraid to meet other people in real life. Anyone nervous about having coffee with me, even after chatting for 7-10 days, is welcome to IM someone else.

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 40

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