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Is it bad? - 6/6/2009 1:33:25 AM   
RRRpyro


Posts: 4
Joined: 6/1/2009
Status: offline 		Is it bad for me to be my own person even though I desire to be a submissive?  I find that my life is seperated into 2 circles, the first circle holds my career, my schooling and school related friends and family.  The other circle is my more private circle that deals with the BDSM lifestyle and rarely do I find that I can mesh these two circles together.

I've been looking through profiles of Mistress/Dominant woman on this site and i've noticed a large trend where they ask for complete almost 24/7 servitude.  I dont think that i'll ever be able to get that in depth into the lifestyle, theres no way i'm going to let anyone command my career moves or anything else from that circle of life.  Dont get me wrong, I do have fantasies of a weekend long servitude, or even a full week of it, but still, there is a part of my life that is my life and no one else is going to have control over it.

Is this a bad attitude for me to have?  Will I ever find that partner who is able to work with my specific needs?  Or should I make the decision now to become a complete sub in every aspect of my life or not attempt to breach the world of BDSM?
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RE: Is it bad? - 6/6/2009 1:36:32 AM   
VelvetCruelty


Posts: 153
Joined: 11/12/2006
Status: offline 		Not at all.

You have to be who you are, or what good are you to your dominant?

I dislike s types who have no life or mind of their own.

But, that's just me.

Good luck.

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RE: Is it bad? - 6/6/2009 3:47:51 AM   
StoneFox


Posts: 131
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		I guess it depends on who you meet. Love has a way of changing people.

Personally, MY expectations from a non-casual sub would be to allow me control in the areas which I desire. If a sub had a job that took him away often or required long hours, I would say that wouldn't be OK with me. He would need to either tweak his work schedule or totally change his career or....seek a different Domme. Another example could be: friends. If my sub had friends that liked to drink and smoke and get into trouble and my sub did all those things when he was with them, that wouldn't be OK with me either. He would either have to find new friends OR find ways to hang out with the friends he has but in ways that don't include the undesirable behaviors.

But those are just examples and are specific to me. I think it's still possible for you to be submissive and do it selectively...you just have to find someone who doesn't expect a lot out of you (since, afterall....your work and school and friend and family are a HUGE part of your life).

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RE: Is it bad? - 6/6/2009 4:14:56 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline 		The thing is that BDSM D/s Kink whatever is a massive spectrum from the married couple who use handcuffs to spice up their sex lives to TPE micro-management and everything in between. If you do not want to be in a relationship that affects your 'other circle' then you need to look for someone with whom that fits, there will be people out there.

Problem is I do get the feeling on here that so many people think that a passing interest in wiitwd is enough to form a relationship. Its not different from vanilla, you are compatible with some and not with others.

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RE: Is it bad? - 6/6/2009 7:20:49 AM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
Status: offline 		RRRpyro, when I was a Domme I looked for subs exactly like you.  I wanted relationships where trust could be built, warmth could be shown, but wasn't looking for anything that would move toward full time.  Keep looking and you will find the right one.  I commend you on knowing what you want.  That in itself will be much more attractive to most Mistresses than someone who comes across as so needy that they start to feel like a burden.  Best of luck.

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RE: Is it bad? - 6/6/2009 7:36:41 AM   
sedi112


Posts: 1
Joined: 6/5/2009
Status: offline 		how are u doing well
..iam tom, i live in alabamaa very reasonable and quiet person to live with,i'm friendly, very trustworthy and value relationship above anything. I lovetravelling, sporting and enjoy meeting people and seldomly party. I am coolheaded, good man  and easy going person..

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RE: Is it bad? - 6/6/2009 9:08:36 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Not every Dominant female wants control over things such as career.  Some of us trust our subs in areas such as their work life to realize that they know more about their professional situations.  I don't ask for control with clip's military career.  I'm not the best person to do that.

As for friends and family, depending on the situation, you may change your mind.  If you should find yourself loving and caring for the person who is on the other side of the kneel, you may actually find that you want that person with you in other areas of your life besides the bedroom. 

Try looking at it from the same viewpoint as you would a vanilla relationship.  People don't go on a date or two and decide to marry.  D/s is the same thing.  It's a progression.  I call it over time, not overnight.


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RE: Is it bad? - 6/6/2009 9:11:39 AM   
LovingMistress45


Posts: 271
Joined: 2/7/2009
Status: offline 		Michael,

Your profile contradicts what you are saying here.  If you really do not want 24/7 then you probably should re-work your profile.  There is nothing wrong with not wanting 24/7 and you can probably find someone that is looking for that as well. It just depends on where the other person is in their life.  When I was younger/newer to the lifestyle I didn't want 24/7 at this point in my life it is the only thing I am interested in.  So it just depends on finding someone that is in a similar situtation.  Are you willing to consider someone that has a primary relationship already established? Many in that situation only want someone part-time.

Good luck.

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RE: Is it bad? - 6/6/2009 9:12:34 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Pyro, I think it's very sensible to want to move slowly, and keep your vanilla life separate if that is what works for you.  I *expect* submissives to have lives, jobs, minds of their own, and generally to be complete people.  What I would guard against is keeping your submissive or bdsm interests in a little box that you only take out sometimes.  It's not good to suppress an important part of yourself.  Certainly, we don't need to wave our interests in front of our colleagues, vanilla family, and fellow students. 

A few of my friends have 24/7 slaves.  Those slaves have jobs, families, and lives away from their dominant.  She is their owner, but they are allowed to say, spend a weekend on the boat with the guys, or go home to visit their parents.  Our "lifestyle" is whatever we make it. 

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RE: Is it bad? - 6/6/2009 9:42:50 AM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline 		A few of my friends have 24/7 slaves.  Those slaves have jobs, families, and lives away from their dominant. 

Eh?  How can they be 24/7 slaves if they have jobs, families etc. away from their dominants?  You're scrambling my poor brain, Lady Hib!

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RE: Is it bad? - 6/6/2009 9:44:29 AM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline
quote:

: LadyPact
Try looking at it from the same viewpoint as you would a vanilla relationship.  People don't go on a date or two and decide to marry.  D/s is the same thing.  It's a progression.  I call it over time, not overnight.


Thank God for that.  I was beginning to wonder . . . . .

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RE: Is it bad? - 6/6/2009 10:00:10 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

A few of my friends have 24/7 slaves.  Those slaves have jobs, families, and lives away from their dominant. 

Eh?  How can they be 24/7 slaves if they have jobs, families etc. away from their dominants?  You're scrambling my poor brain, Lady Hib!


Dude, sometimes I think that you haven't been paying attention!

If you own a slave, you want them to be happy, and continue serving you.  Part of that is making sure their needs get met.  So, when they say, "it's time to put the boat in the water, can I go next weekend?"  a good slave owner says yes, if the slave is deserving.  If the slave has to go on a business trip, she says, call me when your flight lands.  She does not interfere if #1 is in the lacrosse championship, and #2 has a camping trip and needs a chaperon.

If you own someone, the ownership does not stop simply because you cannot see or touch that person.  They're out there in the world fulfilling their other obligations, but they are still slaves. 



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RE: Is it bad? - 6/6/2009 10:30:51 AM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline 		OK, I getcha.  But you mentioned families:  would a man still be a slave to his femdom while with his wife and family?  Would a wife put up with that?  Gawd.  I'm just glad I managed to evade the old walk up the aisle before finding my True Calling.

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RE: Is it bad? - 6/6/2009 10:33:39 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		I am poly, but I will not accept married submissives unless BOTH of them are serving me.  Lady Pact has a different situation, maybe she can shed light on how that works.  As to whether a wife would put up with that... well, they DO, so I reckon the answer is yes.  I am a family first person, and I would never come between a submissive and his children, spouse, or parents.  I also wouldn't take on someone who  would choose me before a sick child, or a kid's important event, or that sort of thing.

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RE: Is it bad? - 6/6/2009 12:28:23 PM   
FullfigRIMAAM1


Posts: 1160
Joined: 11/20/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus
I also wouldn't take on someone who  would choose me before a sick child, or a kid's important event, or that sort of thing.
You only say this because you haven't talked to unmarried men whose uhms (especially female uhms) usually get sick when they have a date, and the rest of the time they have an important event going on...   In other words, they already have a domina.    M

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RE: Is it bad? - 6/6/2009 1:31:25 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FullfigRIMAAM1

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus
I also wouldn't take on someone who  would choose me before a sick child, or a kid's important event, or that sort of thing.
You only say this because you haven't talked to unmarried men whose uhms (especially female uhms) usually get sick when they have a date, and the rest of the time they have an important event going on...   In other words, they already have a domina.    M


If a person is using his kids as an EXCUSE--and believe me, I have met them!--then they get kicked to the curb.  I said that I would not take someone into my household, I would imagine that the kids have approved me by that point!



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RE: Is it bad? - 6/6/2009 5:05:04 PM   
Politesub53


Posts: 14862
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

So, when they say, "it's time to put the boat in the water, can I go next weekend?"  a good slave owner says yes, if the slave is deserving. 



I love these metaphors Lady H 

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RE: Is it bad? - 6/6/2009 5:26:41 PM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline
quote:

Is it bad for me to be my own person even though I desire to be a submissive? 

Nope, not in the slightest. You know to what degree you are comfortable submitting at the present time. This may or may not change as time goes on, but it in no way makes you any less a submissive than any other, this is just a limit you have. You know what you are looking for, and while it may make the search a little harder because you are weeding out those who are looking for 24/7, it doesn't mean there is no hope.
Good luck and good hunting

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RE: Is it bad? - 6/6/2009 6:03:45 PM   
onlyfreelycaged


Posts: 254
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline 		nothing wrong with being yourself. That's the beauity of this, or at least for me... I get to express who I am.

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RE: Is it bad? - 6/6/2009 6:10:06 PM   
PsyVamp


Posts: 1026
Joined: 10/30/2006
Status: offline 		I think there may be a misconception on the whole 24/7 thing too.
My pet and I are 24/7...he lives here in My house.
I would not force him into a particular career, nor would I discourage him to have an outside life.

he cannot make Me happy if he is miserable.

Also, he is always My pet, I am always his Mistress BUT he is not always on his knees nor am I always barking orders. 
People can't tell just by looking at us that we are in a D/s dynamic, we usually just tell them we are housemates (it isn't a romantic relationship).

This is just meant to show that 24/7 does not necessarily mean something hard core and unobtainable.  A slave does not need to lose himself unless that is the dynamic he/she chooses.

Good luck.




< Message edited by PsyVamp -- 6/6/2009 6:11:47 PM >

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