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ciayours -> letter of apology to my MstrDragon on the one year anniversary of your death (6/6/2009 6:03:18 AM)
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My dear late Master,
It has been quite some time since I have had to sit down and confess a wrong doing to you Sir, but that time has come again and this is a big one Sir. When I am finished, I beg that you can find it in your heart to forgive me my transgressions.
I handled things pretty well after you passed on. I shared the tasks that needed to be done when planning your funeral, I grieved when I needed to but I did not allow myself to wallow in my grief as that would have made you unhappy. I tried very hard to live my life as your submissive the way I did when you were still on this earth. And I did well, until I left Minnesota for the last time, cleaning out our home there, knowing it was time to begin a new journey.
Now Sir, I am pretty sure that when you left you were secure in the knowledge that I had been trained well, and had enough self respect and dignity to be able to carry on and be safe. After all, you had spent six years teaching me the many lessons that had brought me to that place. It took time and patience but when your time came to go, I was an educated submissive with self confidence, self respect and dignity. I had been treasured as your submissive and had always been tended to me with love and respect, as well as a firm hand. It would be very hard to think that I could possibly take those six years of training and toss them away, but that was almost what happened.
For the first six months after your death I stayed out of trouble for the most part. I dated a vanilla man who was a good guy and did me no harm, but he was on the selfish side and showed no warmth at all towards me. We were not in love and I knew the only thing to do was to end the relationship and in time, I did. I knew that vanilla was not for me.
At this point I had ventured back into the D/s world and met some people on a BDSM site. Instead of looking for a Dominant who would respect me and treasure me as you had Sir, I basically just went off with any Dominant that seemed reasonably attractive and intelligent who was interested in meeting me.
Remember how you told me when you had agreed to be my training Dominant, that I was too trusting and it was going to get me into trouble? You made us go very slow until it was safer to meet. Sir, that lesson went right out the window, and I would actually meet men that I had only IM’ed with for a few days. Worst of all (I can almost see the scowl on your face) I let them come to my home. I know, I am very lucky that the only bad thing that happened was that I allowed myself to be treated like an unpaid prostitute, and that was my fault entirely.
I had a large empty space inside of my heart and my soul, and instead of filling that hole with memories of you and the lessons that you taught me, I desperately tried to fill it with cold, emotionless scenes with men that really had no feeling for me at all, other than they were thrilled that I was there for the taking with no strings attached.
I went into most of these relationships hoping that there would be emotional attachment and perhaps even love at some point, and that was quite acceptable. The inexcusable part of this behavior, was that I continued to allow myself to be used like that even after I knew there was no chance that that was going to happen. You taught me so much better than that Sir and I am very sorry to have behaved this way.
At the beginning of May I was blessed to have a Dominant come into my life that has helped me see the error of my ways and has turned my life around. I am quickly becoming the submissive that you created again, and my life is a much happier and healthier place because of that. Your lessons have bubbled to the surface, breaking free of that dark place I sent them to. That is a very good thing.
I beg your forgiveness for my reckless, dangerous behavior. Not only was I endangering my physical and emotional well being, but had I become seriously hurt, ill or even badly depressed because of these actions, it could have hurt my family and friends and put a burden upon them, it may have caused problems with my job and because of that effect my financial security. Worst of all Sir, had you been alive to see this happen, it would have caused you a good deal of concern, sadness and great disappointment and I could not live easily with that.
So hopefully for the very last time my dear, dear Master, this submissive is on her knees to you, head hanging in shame, begging your forgiveness for her selfish, self serving, dangerous behavior. With this new Dominant giving me guidance (and don’t think I don’t believe you had something to do with him appearing in my life when he was needed the most) I vow to do my very best never to act in that way again.
Thank you for listening Master. I can feel your forgiveness already, but I do not kid myself that I will not have to pay for this when we meet again.
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