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What would You say? - 6/7/2009 4:41:39 PM   
JohnSteed1967


Posts: 304
Joined: 5/29/2005
From: Columbia SC
Status: offline 		I was raised by a single mother, most of my life until I got through college and got a job of my own. I was at least partially raised on Aid to families with dependent children, and food stamps Ya know Welfare. My Mom was mentally retarded and could not hold a normal job.

I loved my mom, but I was ashamed by the fact that she wasn't like other mom's. My aunt who helped out was a high school teacher with two kids of her own to raise. My Grandparents who we lived with were retired and living off of meager savings and their Social Security Checks.

My Father ran off before I was born and it wasn't until I was in college that I learned some of the truth about him. That he treated my mother like a dog. (No this was not a lifestyle relationship) He had affairs with other women almost right under her nose. He went to Korea with the military and got a Korean National Pregnant. The Korean woman actually had nerve to write to my mother asking her to divorce him so that her baby might have a name.

I am sure she was surprised when my mother telling her that she was pregnant with me!! I found the letter that He wrote her in response packed away and hidden with language that would make the hardest Marine cringe. Telling her that he had syphilis and for her to abort me, otherwise I would be born a mongoloid!!

I am sure you are all glad to know that this bastard is dead and I am going the week after next to West Virgina to piss on his grave. However, his brother is alive and I have found him too. Would you

1) ignore the hell out of him, complete your trip to the grave and bring this closure to your life.

2) Go to his Apartment and tell him what a sorry Bastard he was for not taking up where his brother failed and supported me and my mom.

3) something else


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RE: What would You say? - 6/7/2009 4:47:07 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		You can't blame the transgressions of one brother to the other.  You may be misinformed of any position or feelings your uncle had in the matter.  I highly doubt he could have changed your father's ways, even if he had tried.

Whatever you chose, I hope your anger fades, and you find peace.


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RE: What would You say? - 6/7/2009 4:47:20 PM   
marie2


Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
Status: offline 		I don't see the brother as having any part in this at all.  It's not his responsibility.  It was your father's, and he failed.

I would choose option number 3.   I wouldn't even bother to go piss on the grave.  You made it, you survived despite all the shit going on.  Be grateful, let go of the anger, and move on. 

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RE: What would You say? - 6/7/2009 4:49:20 PM   
JohnSteed1967


Posts: 304
Joined: 5/29/2005
From: Columbia SC
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: marie2

It was your father's, and he failed.

I would choose option number 3.   I wouldn't even bother to go piss on the grave.  You made it, you survived despite all the shit going on.  Be grateful, let go of the anger, and move on. 

Sorry I am just to vindictive of a bastard not too!


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RE: What would You say? - 6/7/2009 4:51:58 PM   
dreaminofdestiny


Posts: 20
Joined: 8/11/2007
Status: offline 		3.something else

I would meet with his brother, give him the opportunity to have his say about you and your mom.  Sometimes extended family members only hear one side of a situation. Ask him questions, and listen to what he's saying. If you don't like what he has to say. Stand up and leave. Walk away with your head held high and a new life beginning without all this baggage.......Good luck to you! I wish you well

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RE: What would You say? - 6/7/2009 4:52:53 PM   
Arpig


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Status: offline 		I vote for #3 as well. I doubt you will actually get any real sense of closure from going to his grave. And it really isn't his brother's affair to look after his siblings life. Hell for all you know he wasn't aware of you, seeing as you just found him.
As the others have said, I hope you can find a way to put your anger behind you and move on. You survived and seem to have done well for yourself, a successful life is the best revenge you could get.

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RE: What would You say? - 6/7/2009 5:01:36 PM   
DarkSteven


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Status: offline 		Your uncle was probably completely pissed off at your father.  He may not even have known about you, or he might have just been exasperated by that time.  You might not even be the only child your father abandoned.

Would you like an extended family?  If so, your uncle is the best chance you may have to develop one.

And please, get therapy to deal with your anger.


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RE: What would You say? - 6/7/2009 5:03:59 PM   
LadySweetOrSour


Posts: 1415
Joined: 3/21/2009
Status: offline 		3 for me too.

Pissing on the grave will only give your bladder relief, not your emotions. The brother may/may not know about the circumstances, but what would his saying anything do? Make you feel better? No, it wouldn't. How could it help you if he denies knowledge, makes excuses or simply says I don't want to know?

Try to focus on the good in your life DESPITE your "sperm donors" actions. One earns the right to be a dad/father, it isn't automatic. He was not a dad or a father to you (apart from biologically through his sperm). He earned nothing but your contempt and obvious hatred. How can anything make that right for you?

Let it, and him, go. He was no use alive, how is he going to do anything useful to help you now he's dead?

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RE: What would You say? - 6/7/2009 5:24:29 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Why should your uncle pick up where your dad left off? He's not your father. Family yes but not your father. He doesn't have any responsibility towards you.

I wouldn't ignore him either unless you know for a fact that he's a toxic person to be around. You can't just blame him for the crimes of the father.

I would treat him like any other person I come across depending on his personality and our relationship as two people.

In the end here I would say that you should maybe seek some kind of spiritual guidance or therapy for your bitterness about your childhood. It seems as though you still have a lot of pentup anger and resentment and really as an adult it will not help you at all and only cause you to lose everything else around you and other people will find it difficult to be with you.

Forgive and move on with your life.

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RE: What would You say? - 6/7/2009 5:29:48 PM   
sophia37


Posts: 1433
Joined: 2/7/2006
Status: offline 		Really. Why in the world must you be vindictive? That's a choice not genetics. 

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RE: What would You say? - 6/7/2009 5:36:11 PM   
beargonewild


Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JohnSteed1967

quote:

ORIGINAL: marie2

It was your father's, and he failed.

I would choose option number 3.   I wouldn't even bother to go piss on the grave.  You made it, you survived despite all the shit going on.  Be grateful, let go of the anger, and move on. 

Sorry I am just to vindictive of a bastard not too!



By the sounds of it, your anger will not allow you to even consider options 3 to infinity. In the end you will probably do whatever you want regardless of the people hear suggestion an alternate course of action. You are you're own person and I hope that what ever choice you make is the wisest and one you won't regret.


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RE: What would You say? - 6/7/2009 5:43:57 PM   
purepleasure


Posts: 6941
Joined: 4/9/2004
From: Lehigh Valley, PA
Status: offline 		Personally, I'd write a letter telling him of the feelings of hurt and abandonment you felt as a child. Of responsibilities he shirked, and in spite of these things, you've grown into a successful individual.  Take that letter and the letter you found, and burn them.  As those words are erased from existence for eternity, let go of the anger for eternity. 

The best revenge is a life well lived.  Forgive him, and vow to not make his mistakes with your own children.

My wish for you is peace and happiness.

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RE: What would You say? - 6/7/2009 5:46:27 PM   
MsLadySue


Posts: 2254
Joined: 12/18/2004
Status: offline 		Revenge is allowing someone to live in your head rent free.

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RE: What would You say? - 6/7/2009 7:07:41 PM   
CatdeMedici


Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline 		Grow up---siblings are not responsible for what happens to each other-- its like saying bro should go to jail because sis robbed a bank.
 
You still have way too much anger---embrace your mom, she made things happen-despite the adversity.
 
...oh and get rid of the chip, it isn't pretty or useful.

< Message edited by CatdeMedici -- 6/7/2009 7:14:51 PM >

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RE: What would You say? - 6/7/2009 7:11:35 PM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		Whatever you decide to do, I hope it's not something that's down at your "father's" level.

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RE: What would You say? - 6/7/2009 7:52:36 PM   
popeye1250


Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline 		John Steed,.. don't EVER be ashamed of what you came from!
You think ***YOU*** got a story eh?
My father the Boston Firefighter was ***PRODIGIOUS***!!!
I'd be walkin down the street and ***EVERYONE*** looked like my brother! Fuckin Twilight zone!!!
And, ... my mother would always catch him,.HOLY SHIT, HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THE IRISH FIGHT? Mike Tyson is a pussy!!
Do the right thing and be *RESPECTABLE*, be a Gentleman.
Those who harm us make us stronger.
And John, *YOU* will be the better man for it. It's never easy doing the right thing but you can sleep pretty good at night when you do.
Weak guys get violent, strong guys get respect. We can't go through life being angry.
When you're a Gentleman that makes an impresion that lasts forever. To *EVERYONE*.

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RE: What would You say? - 6/7/2009 7:58:17 PM   
stella41b


Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline 		Who would you rather be - a victim or a survivor?

If you would prefer to continue being a victim, then continue living in the past with anger and hatred in your heart towards others in your family, and show yourself to be weak.

If you would prefer to be a survivor then start letting go of the past and start living in the present. Learn to let go and forgive and to achieve inner peace through having done so.



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RE: What would You say? - 6/7/2009 7:59:05 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		You're gonna piss on your dad's grave?  Nice.
Seriously, it's past time to let go of your anger.
Don't bring your uncle into it.  It is not his issue.  And to burden him with it is selfish.  Why you think he owed something to you and your mother is more than I am able to comprehend.  If you can't be civil to your uncle, then please don't consider visiting him.



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RE: What would You say? - 6/7/2009 8:14:46 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		His brother was not responsible for you or your mother.
He likely heard a very different chronology of events.

You are 41 and are struggling with the fact that your dad abandoned you... that he discarded the very idea of you.
That is a pretty big hole.
It is obviously something you have been dragging around with you for a very long time.
Aren't your arms (and heart/soul) tired?

Imagine what you might be able to accomplish if you could let go of all this grief/rage.

You deserve to have a life.

Do yourself a favor:
Find yourself a decent therapist.






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RE: What would You say? - 6/7/2009 8:19:55 PM   
Kirata


Posts: 15477
Joined: 2/11/2006
From: USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JohnSteed1967

Sorry I am just to vindictive of a bastard not too!

Then stay there and go piss on his grave every day until you get over being angry. The brother has nothing to do with it.

K.



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