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Secondary relationships...would you, could you, etc? - 6/8/2009 2:20:43 AM

StoneFox

Posts: 131
Joined: 1/25/2009
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Hello to all submissives/slaves/bottoms/etc!

I'm seeking your advice and as this is the first thread I've actually STARTED here, I'll try to do it nice and neat-ish

I'm a Domme with a "naturally submissive but very BDSM-lite" mate. Since I happen to have a very long-running and strong interest in BDSM, I've decided to seek a regular lifestyle sub for more or less casual play. I say casual because I am not interested in the sub for sex, oral, etc. etc. etc. More somebody I can tie up, tease, whip, flirt with, humiliate, and cuddle...and be close friends with. A bonded D/s relationship minus the sexual/romantic element.

To make 100% clear - my mate is cool with this and is actually grateful I will have someone else to take out my sadistic urges on, as well as someone who will be along to keep me safe at fetish events.

Now what I'd like to know is, as submissives would you consider serving someone NON-sexually that had a mate? Does what I've described above seem reasonable/unreasonable to your individual perspectives? Yeah, I'm taking a survey

< Message edited by StoneFox -- 6/8/2009 2:24:14 AM >

Post #: 1

RE: Secondary relationships...would you, could you, etc? - 6/8/2009 3:04:19 AM

kuriouswitch

Posts: 325
Joined: 6/17/2008
Status: offline

If I was still looking for someone to submit to, I would totally take this if offered. Especially for a new sub/slave, I think this is a great idea, a way to get experience with BDSM, but it's also good for those who may be in the same situation you yourself are in, they are with a romantic partner who isn't strongly into BDSM or maybe aren't dominant. Good luck in your search

(in reply to StoneFox)

Post #: 2

RE: Secondary relationships...would you, could you, etc? - 6/8/2009 3:41:12 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

For me, no. I need a relationship with someone to be able to submit to them.

When I was younger, yes. I did it quite often actually. But now that I'm older I've grown weary of that and I can't settle for anything less than a loving relationship with someone.

(in reply to kuriouswitch)

Post #: 3

RE: Secondary relationships...would you, could you, etc? - 6/8/2009 6:38:19 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Service, no. Friends with benefits, more likely. Since you're looking to do them as much as they want to be done, I don't see why you should expect service on top of it.

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(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 4

RE: Secondary relationships...would you, could you, etc? - 6/8/2009 6:38:19 AM

CatdeMedici

Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
Status: offline

I would never take on anyone who was married, permission or otherwise.

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(in reply to StoneFox)

Post #: 5

RE: Secondary relationships...would you, could you, etc? - 6/8/2009 6:47:36 AM

Christinestill

Posts: 1199
Joined: 12/4/2008
Status: offline

no i wouldn't. i can't and won't serve anyone casually, sexually or otherwise whether they are married or not. married people are a hard limit for me so....

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yes i'm pro-gun, i'm not about to sit around with a fucking rolling pin and hope for the best.

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 6

RE: Secondary relationships...would you, could you, etc? - 6/8/2009 6:55:25 AM

Danibelle

Posts: 94
Joined: 11/24/2008
Status: offline

It can work. My boyfriend I see other people and 95% of the time it's not a sexual thing. If you're up front about it to begin with, I don't see a problem. Just don't be surprised, since this has happened to us, if they meet someone they're interested in forming a relationship with and choose to pursue that instead.

I would like to add that while I have only gone to a play party once, the boyfriend goes quite frequently and he has a few people that he will make plans with in that environment.

_____________________________

"To love another person is to see the face of God."

(in reply to Christinestill)

Post #: 7

RE: Secondary relationships...would you, could you, etc? - 6/8/2009 7:26:27 AM

Indiblue

Posts: 1
Joined: 6/8/2009
Status: offline

I think that it will work for some but not all. I guess you would have to equally not get attached though, many people do and will want 'relationships' so though they may consent to this on a temporary basis I think you would find very few who would be fulfilled long term.

(in reply to Danibelle)

Post #: 8

RE: Secondary relationships...would you, could you, etc? - 6/8/2009 8:50:53 AM

pixidustpet

Posts: 857
Joined: 6/4/2008
Status: offline

i've been a secondary, and was fine with it. i think if you have very good communication about what the relationship will and wont be going in, it can work.

i was married at the time, the couple was married. (this was consentually agreed upon between all 4 people.) and i was not seeking "her" place with him, just wanting my own place with each of them. and it worked out beautifully, just as we had hoped it would.

time and physical distance caused the relationship(s) to dissolve...although the friendships have remained and i am thankful for that.

kitten

(in reply to Indiblue)

Post #: 9

RE: Secondary relationships...would you, could you, etc? - 6/8/2009 8:52:45 AM

beargonewild

Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

I identify as a switch and tend to be more submissive and a bottom than dominant and this type of situation is what I am in the process of negotiating through. My BDSM interests are stronger than cub's and adding the fact that I'm poly oriented and he's not. I will have no problems engaging in a secondary relationship that is based on casual BDSM play. I had to make it very clear that any dominant top I play with is solely to engage in my BDSM proclivities which is totally separate from the intimate relationship I'll have with the cub. The cub knows that a D/s angle is necessary for me and at this point the cub hasn't begun to explore this area.

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(in reply to StoneFox)

Post #: 10

RE: Secondary relationships...would you, could you, etc? - 6/8/2009 10:24:01 AM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

There are many who will not find your situation acceptable, but there are also many who will be fine with it. For me, it would be a no because I require monogamy in my relationships, as you have seen several others state. But there are a great many people who would find the situation you are seeking perfectly acceptable and with luck, those will be the ones who respond. Good luck.

(in reply to beargonewild)

Post #: 11

RE: Secondary relationships...would you, could you, etc? - 6/8/2009 11:19:15 AM

Rainfire

Posts: 4047
Joined: 1/5/2009
Status: offline

While it is not something I personally would do anymore, as a very happily owned, collared and married sub to my Daddy, there are many who are looking for just what you have described, OP. I had a couple of friends at the local club that I would play with at club functions but that's all it was. Other than friendship, there were no ties between us.

So good luck, I'm sure there's someone out there for you.

_____________________________

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Or is this the beginning of the end?"
Proud member of the Clan Scarlett O'Hair

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Post #: 12

RE: Secondary relationships...would you, could you, etc? - 6/8/2009 11:23:44 AM

littlesarbonn

Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline

I could definitely see myself in a relationship like that. The difficulty I mainly see for you is finding someone who is already secure in his own place in life to where he's not going to be hoping to become more than what you set out and is not likely to start becoming jealous of the other man in your life. That's pretty hard sometimes. A long time ago, I'd probably not the be the kind of person who could do this, but I was lucky in that I was once owned by a woman who was married to a man who represented pretty much exactly what you're describing (although her relationship with her husband also allowed for a deeper connection between her and her slave, as did his relationships with his slaves). The jealousy factor is probably the most difficult obstacle to get around because it never shows itself until it just happens, and if someone promises to be one thing, there's no accounting for that person going the other direction when that ugly monster rears its head. Fortunately, I've already been down that road, and I understand what such a relationship entails.

So, my advice would be to make sure that whoever you find understands all of this going into it because people will pay you lip service without ever realizing the ramifications until it's too late. They'll want the "play" and your "time" more than anything and believe that the other guy is not going to be a problem. But if they've never gone down that path before, you need to be cognizant of the emotions that might emerge, even though the guy doesn't feel that's ever going to be a problem.

I think what works for me is that I'm a writer and often not in the mind space of someone who feels he can contribute to a full one on one relationship. I'm probably wrong about that, but it makes me a lot more comfortable to be someone's submissive/slave than to attempt to be their partner or equal. But when I'm with her, she gets 100 percent of me: Mind, body and soul. That's generally what has made it work for me and the one I end up serving.

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(in reply to StoneFox)

Post #: 13

RE: Secondary relationships...would you, could you, etc? - 6/8/2009 12:25:05 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: StoneFox
Now what I'd like to know is, as submissives would you consider serving someone NON-sexually that had a mate? Does what I've described above seem reasonable/unreasonable to your individual perspectives? Yeah, I'm taking a survey

For Carol, "No". She'd need the relationship to make the submitting worthwhile.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to StoneFox)

Post #: 14

RE: Secondary relationships...would you, could you, etc? - 6/8/2009 2:34:34 PM

StoneFox

Posts: 131
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline

So far, from all your answers it seems pretty evenly split.

I was talking to a friend about this recently and saying how it's a challenge for me to enjoy this lifestyle while not crossing my sexual boundaries. BUT I know it can be done. I like playing with random people at play parties, all in the spirit of fun. Sometimes though I've found myself glad to have brought a sub with me if nobody already at the party seemed like anyone I'd want to play with.

But anyways...truly, thank you all for your answers and your kindness with your words. They are very much appreciated.

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 15

RE: Secondary relationships...would you, could you, etc? - 6/8/2009 3:16:55 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: StoneFox

So far, from all your answers it seems pretty evenly split.

I was talking to a friend about this recently and saying how it's a challenge for me to enjoy this lifestyle while not crossing my sexual boundaries. BUT I know it can be done.

In my experience in the scene running groups, teaching, throwing parties etc. What you seek is common, many claim to want it from both ends, the reality however falls far short.

You are an attractive woman and want a "good" submissive. Problem is that they are few and far between, good ones that can do all the things you want are going to be snatched up by someone who wants them as a primary. So what is left are submissives who want an attractive woman but can't get one. They may even believe that they can do this but one of you is going to be wanting more than the other wants to give, even if you don't know that up front.

If you are actually talented as a top and have decent relationship skills, that combination is going to make it worse because so few have both that people are going to fall for you.

I think women have an easier time finding what you seek but both my personal experience and my experience watching others is that many say they can handle it, may even believe they can handle it, but when faced with a quality partner, are going to want more.

(in reply to StoneFox)

Post #: 16

RE: Secondary relationships...would you, could you, etc? - 6/8/2009 3:43:54 PM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael

quote:

ORIGINAL: StoneFox

So far, from all your answers it seems pretty evenly split.

I was talking to a friend about this recently and saying how it's a challenge for me to enjoy this lifestyle while not crossing my sexual boundaries. BUT I know it can be done.

In my experience in the scene running groups, teaching, throwing parties etc. What you seek is common, many claim to want it from both ends, the reality however falls far short.

You are an attractive woman and want a "good" submissive. Problem is that they are few and far between, good ones that can do all the things you want are going to be snatched up by someone who wants them as a primary. So what is left are submissives who want an attractive woman but can't get one. They may even believe that they can do this but one of you is going to be wanting more than the other wants to give, even if you don't know that up front.

If you are actually talented as a top and have decent relationship skills, that combination is going to make it worse because so few have both that people are going to fall for you.

I think women have an easier time finding what you seek but both my personal experience and my experience watching others is that many say they can handle it, may even believe they can handle it, but when faced with a quality partner, are going to want more.

There are a lot of submissive men who are great bottoms but not suitable primary partners - they are happy being single or they are already in a relationship with a wife/girlfriend (who is ok with them seeking outside play).

The challenge is not letting romance blossom and complicate things, and not let a submissive understate his needs and expectations. A lot of submissive men think they can compromise their real urges and desires and then things get messy later. The dreaded, "I think I am falling in love with you" moment ONLY happens, though, when:

1) A man is romantically/emotionally immature and confuses infatuation with love (how can he be falling in love with a woman he only sees once a week for a month and knows nothing about outside her kink?)
2) She has been seeing him too long, seeing him too romantically and allowing him to romance her

Boundaries can be set that keep romance off the table. If a woman wants a NON ROMANTIC relationship with a man and can include NOT being pampered, being given gifts and exchanging romantic intimacies, boundaries can be set. But she has to be ready to give all that up. The other challenge is addressing the issue of infatuation as soon as it rears its ugly head, despite how "good" it feels to be the woman on the other end of infatuation - it's not fair to the guy. Don't let him fall in love, that's rule one.

Akasha

_____________________________

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Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 17

RE: Secondary relationships...would you, could you, etc? - 6/8/2009 3:58:14 PM

BOUNTYHUNTER

Posts: 9259
Joined: 2/5/2004
Status: offline

We are a married Dom couple and she finds no problem with me having other relationships, safe sex is involved at all time, as for her she is content with her broken down ol'; cowboy, like some one said communication is the key, she has my heart /..thats all that matters to her. she has play partners/ pain piggies but she is off limits as far as sex is concerned...BH

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US going to hell in a hand basket/

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 18

RE: Secondary relationships...would you, could you, etc? - 6/8/2009 4:11:00 PM

Toppingfrmbottom

Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline

The shoe was on the other foot for me, I had a vanilla bf who wanted nothing to do with kink and was ok with me finding a Dom, as long as it was non sexual.

And yes I'd serve a Dom non sexually if I was allowed to get my sexual needs met somewhere else.

quote:

ORIGINAL: StoneFox

Hello to all submissives/slaves/bottoms/etc!

I'm seeking your advice and as this is the first thread I've actually STARTED here, I'll try to do it nice and neat-ish
I'm a Domme with a "naturally submissive but very BDSM-lite" mate. Since I happen to have a very long-running and strong interest in BDSM, I've decided to seek a regular lifestyle sub for more or less casual play. I say casual because I am not interested in the sub for sex, oral, etc. etc. etc. More somebody I can tie up, tease, whip, flirt with, humiliate, and cuddle...and be close friends with. A bonded D/s relationship minus the sexual/romantic element.

To make 100% clear - my mate is cool with this and is actually grateful I will have someone else to take out my sadistic urges on, as well as someone who will be along to keep me safe at fetish events.

Now what I'd like to know is, as submissives would you consider serving someone NON-sexually that had a mate? Does what I've described above seem reasonable/unreasonable to your individual perspectives? Yeah, I'm taking a survey

(in reply to StoneFox)

Post #: 19

RE: Secondary relationships...would you, could you, etc? - 6/8/2009 4:33:03 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Boundaries can be set that keep romance off the table. If a woman wants a NON ROMANTIC relationship with a man and can include NOT being pampered, being given gifts and exchanging romantic intimacies, boundaries can be set. But she has to be ready to give all that up. The other challenge is addressing the issue of infatuation as soon as it rears its ugly head, despite how "good" it feels to be the woman on the other end of infatuation - it's not fair to the guy. Don't let him fall in love, that's rule one.

Akasha

A very elegant post with real wisdom.

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 20

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