|
Drifa -> RE: New to lifestyle and needing advice (6/12/2009 8:16:22 PM)
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: brandi1379
Like ive said in my first post im a very strong willed person with a dash of opinonated, but i do have some submissive qualitys that ive always had, i guess...
Submitting to another within a relationship, where the submission is a choice you have made yourself, is a very powerful act of will. You make a choice to submit, each time. A D/s relationship is very different than an abusive relationship, because of that free choice to submit.
Since you have had past experience with a bad partner who was controlling in a way you did not consent to, I'd recommend that you take some time to quietly consider what elements of control he was displaying, why you allowed those things to continue for the six years you were together, and where that control was crossing your own personal boundaries. If necessary, find a counselor and discuss this.
What elements of control existed in the prior marriage is important, because some of those may trigger unhappy, uneasy feelings in your reactions to your new partner. Think hard about what the ex was doing, specifically, and identify what bothered you about those things. The reason for this is that you want to discuss these items in detail with your new partner... some of the things your ex was doing may be totally taboo for you now -- and you are the only one who gets to decide what makes you too uncomfortable or too unhappy to participate in. Submission isn't about agreeing to anything and everything... it's a two way discussion in which you work out together where the boundaries are, what things are hard limits for you.
Any successful relationship needs both partners (or all partners, for poly!) to respect one another, to respect the limits of the other, and to respect the feelings and emotions of the other. In an abusive relationship, you aren't getting the respect. And the things being done by the abuser are not things you agreed to.
Seriously, consider a little counseling. When you have been in an abusive relationship, the abuser uses your feelings as a weapon to enhance their control. A typical abuser will try and limit your friends, and separate you from your support network of family and confidantes. If you have been in an abusive relationship, you need to identify for yourself where the abuser used you against yourself, so you can learn to make better choices in the future, and be able to trust your own choices.
I was in an abusive relationship a long while back. The partner there was very controlling, and tried to limit who my friends were, tried to prevent me from even calling my family, and any time I tried to move outside of that control belittled me and used my own insecurities as a control weapon. Fast forward to years later. I got out of the abusive relationship because I finally snapped to the fact one day that I deserved better treatment. I went to counseling, figured out what was going on inside my thoughts and feelings, and now I can go forward clear-eyed into future relationships.
Paradoxically, the D/s relationship looks very abusive from the outside -- I hand over my whole paycheck to my Lady,and I do enjoy getting a nice flogging. But my partner knows where my limits are and supports me as a human being, encourages me to have friends and family ties, encourages me to grow and learn as a person. Whereas the truly abusive relationship looked innocuous from the outside but was totally toxic to my self-esteem and happiness.
When we do indulge in rough play, with or without sex, then its always something that has either been explicitly discussed, or which falls under our "general use rules" (we both know I like to have my hair pulled, and that can happen any time. But -- say -- a caning has to take into account my work schedule because I do NOT want to be stuck in back-to-back meetings all day afterward with bruises on my hiney). My paycheck goes into my Lady's control because I suck as a money manager, but she always discusses big purchases and decisions with me fully, and I choose to handle it this way.
Figure out what actions from the marriage are your "black list items" that you do not want to have happening again. Also figure out what aspects of submission please you. Know what you want, and know where your limits are, and then your submission is an act of choice and will.
|
|
|
|
