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New to lifestyle and needing advice - 6/9/2009 4:03:07 PM   
brandi1379


Posts: 137
Joined: 3/3/2009
Status: offline 		Hi all, I'm very new to the D/s lifestyle and i was wondering if I could get some advice. I'm a very strong willed person, i was married for 6 years and he was very controlling,well when we split up i swore i would never be ruled by another man.Then I fell in love with Sir. He is a very strong Dom and very loving. The problem i seem to be having is coming to terms so to speak with my position. Unfortunatly its a long distance relationship for now so alot of my tasks are through txt and IM and I'm not sure if the distance has something to do with it or if this truly isnt the lifestyle for me. Deep down i want to please him and when i get praise it fills my heart with joy, but im not sure why i seem to make things seem harder then they should be. I know its very frustraing for Sir and that makes me upset but i truly dont know why im having this problem. So please if any of yall have been in this same postion before or just have great advice i would really really appricate it. Thank yall so much!! 
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: New to lifestyle and needing advice - 6/9/2009 4:48:02 PM   
oceanwinds


Posts: 530
Status: offline 		Hi brandi
I am not really sure if I can offer much help but will share my experience. I was married for 29 years in vanilla and at the age of 55 entered a Ds relationship. It was mind boggling for me to not be an equal. Took me a long time to stop 'normal' behaviors, like adding my opinion on everything. Hopefully your Sir does take that into account. It isn't that we are brats or rude, it is just a change in condiitoning that i needed to relearn.

Best of luck
oceanwinds

_____________________________

I know where I came from and where I am today. I am forever grateful to all that touched my life. Thank you all and especially you, Goddess.

(in reply to brandi1379)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: New to lifestyle and needing advice - 6/9/2009 5:00:27 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		brandi, when do the two of you plan to get together?  That will change the relationship for the better.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to oceanwinds)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: New to lifestyle and needing advice - 6/9/2009 5:19:42 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		Hello Brandi and welcome.

I have a simple question. Why, exactly, do you wish to obey this person? I'm not asking that as some sort of veiled challenge, but I think if you have that answer clearly in your head, then perhaps it'll help straighten out what's going on.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to brandi1379)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: New to lifestyle and needing advice - 6/9/2009 5:48:17 PM   
brandi1379


Posts: 137
Joined: 3/3/2009
Status: offline 		thank you all for you advice and comments so far its really helping me figure some stuff out, and i know in my heart why i choose to obey him i just have to get my way of thinking right.

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: New to lifestyle and needing advice - 6/9/2009 8:15:04 PM   
StoneFox


Posts: 131
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		This is one of those things that makes me wonder if you're actually a submissive? Or if you're just wanting to be sub to his Dom, if that makes sense...because you're in love with him. And if he wasn't in the picture would submission be something you feel a need for in your being? I guess that's very telltale for me; if it is core to someone regardless of who is in their life.

(in reply to brandi1379)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: New to lifestyle and needing advice - 6/11/2009 7:14:31 AM   
brandi1379


Posts: 137
Joined: 3/3/2009
Status: offline 		thats a good question and i thought on it before i jumped into an answer, and no if it was anyone else i dont think i would feel the need to be submissive. Like ive said in my first post im a very strong willed person with a dash of opinonated, but i do have some submissive qualitys that ive always had, i guess thats why i belive that i will be do this for Sir. 

(in reply to StoneFox)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: New to lifestyle and needing advice - 6/11/2009 11:04:07 AM   
velvetvixen


Posts: 378
Joined: 1/19/2004
Status: offline 		For me, being strong willed and opinionated doesn't mean you can't be submissive. It depends on when and how you express those two parts of your personality if it becomes an issue. Do you think it is possible that you are testing him in someway, to see if he will keep you even if you disobey? I'm not suggesting that this is a great idea, because testing can be construed as manipulating and that really isn't cool in any relationship. Perhaps if you get honest with yourself and him, figure out if you have some fear of or are confusing being Dominated with whatever you went through in your marriage you will be able to figure out if this is the type of situation that is right for you.

As always, I would suggest you have a really really open and honest discussion with him about exactly everything that is going on in your head. I am sure your disobedience is quite frustrating to him.

How often do you see each other?

(in reply to brandi1379)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: New to lifestyle and needing advice - 6/11/2009 11:12:32 AM   
brandi1379


Posts: 137
Joined: 3/3/2009
Status: offline 		well see thats the thing....ive never seen him....its long distance right now

(in reply to velvetvixen)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: New to lifestyle and needing advice - 6/11/2009 12:11:43 PM   
velvetvixen


Posts: 378
Joined: 1/19/2004
Status: offline 		Sorry Brandi, I misunderstood, I thought it was long distance but you see each other occasionally. I would have a difficult time with online/chat/text only. I have to have the hand on flesh, for my head to be right. But that's just me. Perhaps you need to arrange some face to face sooner than later?


(in reply to brandi1379)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: New to lifestyle and needing advice - 6/12/2009 8:19:58 AM   
brandi1379


Posts: 137
Joined: 3/3/2009
Status: offline 		Im starting to believe  that alot of my problems are coming from not having the "hands on" that i need/want. With us living so far apart i dont see any face-to-face in our near future...which stinks.

(in reply to velvetvixen)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: New to lifestyle and needing advice - 6/12/2009 9:54:39 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		Here's the thing: You can't undo an entire lifetime of of enviromental red tapes, expectations and experiences. You can't just flip a switch and become a submissive. It's a journey and not something that happens overnight.

Some days it's a constant reminder to yourself that you trust this person and have made a conscious decision to give your will over to his. Hell, even after 9 years with Him, I still have to remind myself of that sometimes.

No one is a perfect or "true" submissive and there isn't a single person on this board that got it exactly right from day one....even if they want you to believe that. I'll also add that there's a difference between having a submissive personality and being "A" submissive. I would highly suggest talking to the "D" type and explaining your difficulties. If he's worth his salt, he'll understand and help you through the transition.

Your position is excaberated by the fact that you've never met this person. The reality is that it's hard to trust that a stranger has your best interest at heart.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to brandi1379)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: New to lifestyle and needing advice - 6/12/2009 11:08:21 AM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ive never seen him....its long distance right now


I am not seeing the strong willed person here. A long distance relationship is between two people who know each other, but live or work in different places. You are having a cyber relationship, which is basically an electronic fantasy with someone you know nothing about. Presenting it here as if it were a real relationship between people is a bit dysfunctional, especially since you call it a long distance relationship. If it helps you understand, distance is not a factor in a cyber relationship, he could be next door. If he has not made any moves to have a cup of coffee with you, you will never meet him, and it will never become a long distance relationship.

(in reply to brandi1379)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: New to lifestyle and needing advice - 6/12/2009 6:36:28 PM   
MMagic


Posts: 183
Joined: 2/9/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: brandi1379

Hi all, I'm very new to the D/s lifestyle and i was wondering if I could get some advice. I'm a very strong willed person, i was married for 6 years and he was very controlling,well when we split up i swore i would never be ruled by another man.Then I fell in love with Sir. He is a very strong Dom and very loving. The problem i seem to be having is coming to terms so to speak with my position. Unfortunatly its a long distance relationship for now so alot of my tasks are through txt and IM and I'm not sure if the distance has something to do with it or if this truly isnt the lifestyle for me. Deep down i want to please him and when i get praise it fills my heart with joy, but im not sure why i seem to make things seem harder then they should be. I know its very frustraing for Sir and that makes me upset but i truly dont know why im having this problem. So please if any of yall have been in this same postion before or just have great advice i would really really appricate it. Thank yall so much!! 


I'm right there with ya sister.  I drive Sir crazy, we're long distance as well and I am quite dominant outside of the bedroom. That being said HOWEVER, I have no trouble yielding to him in person.  I in fact become a whole different person in his physical presence.  I am literally just elated to be around him.  So best advice I can offer, WRITE a lot, let him read and try to talk...seems to be a running theme here on these boards. Talk a lot.  I know I drive Sir crazy but I cannot imagine life without him now..it'll work out, sometimes just take a deep breath and maybe rephrase what you were gonna say so it doesn't sound so pushy.  And as Ocean said, you'll want to remind him that it'll take time. Just time...

< Message edited by MMagic -- 6/12/2009 6:39:02 PM >

_____________________________

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. -Mae West



(in reply to brandi1379)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: New to lifestyle and needing advice - 6/12/2009 8:16:22 PM   
Drifa


Posts: 547
Joined: 7/27/2007
From: Rural Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: brandi1379
Like ive said in my first post im a very strong willed person with a dash of opinonated, but i do have some submissive qualitys that ive always had, i guess...


Submitting to another within a relationship, where the submission is a choice you have made yourself, is a very powerful act of will.  You make a choice to submit, each time. A D/s relationship is very different than an abusive relationship, because of that free choice to submit.

Since you have had past experience with a bad partner who was controlling in a way you did not consent to, I'd recommend that you take some time to quietly consider what elements of control he was displaying, why you allowed those things to continue for the six years you were together, and where that control was crossing your own personal boundaries. If necessary, find a counselor and discuss this.

What elements of control existed in the prior marriage is important, because some of those may trigger unhappy, uneasy feelings in your reactions to your new partner. Think hard about what the ex was doing, specifically, and identify what bothered you about those things.  The reason for this is that you want to discuss these items in detail with your new partner... some of the things your ex was doing may be totally taboo for you now -- and you are the only one who gets to decide what makes you too uncomfortable or too unhappy to participate in. Submission isn't about agreeing to anything and everything... it's a two way discussion in which you work out together where the boundaries are, what things are hard limits for you.

Any successful relationship needs both partners (or all partners, for poly!) to respect one another, to respect the limits of the other, and to respect the feelings and emotions of the other.  In an abusive relationship, you aren't getting the respect. And the things being done by the abuser are not things you agreed to.

Seriously, consider a little counseling. When you have been in an abusive relationship, the abuser uses your feelings as a weapon to enhance their control. A typical abuser will try and limit your friends, and separate you from your support network of family and confidantes. If you have been in an abusive relationship, you need to identify for yourself where the abuser used you against yourself, so you can learn to make better choices in the future, and be able to trust your own choices. 

I was in an abusive relationship a long while back. The partner there was very controlling, and tried to limit who my friends were, tried to prevent me from even calling my family, and any time I tried to move outside of that control belittled me and used my own insecurities as a control weapon.  Fast forward to years later. I got out of the abusive relationship because I finally snapped to the fact one day that I deserved better treatment. I went to counseling, figured out what was going on inside my thoughts and feelings, and now I can go forward clear-eyed into future relationships.

Paradoxically, the D/s relationship looks very abusive from the outside -- I hand over my whole paycheck to my Lady,and  I do enjoy getting a nice flogging. But my partner knows where my limits are and supports me as a human being, encourages me to have friends and family ties, encourages me to grow and learn as a person. Whereas the truly abusive relationship looked innocuous from the outside but was totally toxic to my self-esteem and happiness.

When we do indulge in rough play, with or without sex, then its always something that has either been explicitly discussed, or which falls under our "general use rules" (we both know I like to have my hair pulled, and that can happen any time. But -- say -- a caning has to take into account my work schedule because I do NOT want to be stuck in back-to-back meetings all day afterward with bruises on my hiney). My paycheck goes into my Lady's control because I suck as a money manager, but she always discusses big purchases and decisions with me fully, and I choose to handle it this way.

Figure out what actions from the marriage are your "black list items" that you do not want to have happening again. Also figure out what aspects of submission please you.  Know what you want, and know where your limits are, and then your submission is an act of choice and will.







(in reply to brandi1379)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: New to lifestyle and needing advice - 6/13/2009 11:08:11 AM   
brandi1379


Posts: 137
Joined: 3/3/2009
Status: offline 		I never thought about writing it all down and letting him read it, thanks for the good idea MM 

(in reply to Drifa)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: New to lifestyle and needing advice - 6/14/2009 12:03:36 AM   
atypicalsub


Posts: 284
Joined: 4/11/2008
From: an atypical sub
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: brandi1379

i swore i would never be ruled by another man.


Maybe you need to be clear with yourself why you made this decision.  Was the problem in your previous relationship simply the fact that you were being ruled by a man, or was the problem the particular man who was in control?  Not long ago I would have never considered getting into any type of D/s relationship.  All my life I have been strongly anti-authority.  What has made all the difference is that for the first time in my life I was able to choose who would be the person to have control over me.

Oh and a comment in regard to the question that came up about would you be submissive to someone other than your Sir.  I have never been in a D/s relationship before.  I am absolutely positive that I could not be submissive to the vast majority of dominants on this site.  My Mistress had more than a dozen subs over the years before she found me, and she has said I am the most obedient sub she has ever had.  It works between us because she earned my respect and showed me that she will always consider my needs in making decisions. 


_____________________________

Polyamorous, solitary eclectic pagan, pansexual slut, and personal pet of MistressYes

"Do not do anything you are ashamed of, and don't be ashamed of anything you do"
(although I'm sure my bio-family wishes I did less and was ashamed of more)


(in reply to brandi1379)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: New to lifestyle and needing advice - 6/14/2009 12:08:38 PM   
brandi1379


Posts: 137
Joined: 3/3/2009
Status: offline 		That makes so much sense to me. I just had one of those light bulb above the head moments. I choose who will be the one to control me, not the other way around. I never looked at it that way. Just that little bit of knowledge says so much. Thank you so much for that. 

(in reply to atypicalsub)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: New to lifestyle and needing advice - 9/3/2009 1:57:41 PM   
cal1951


Posts: 6
Joined: 11/23/2007
Status: offline 		how dose a non submissive person be submissive

(in reply to brandi1379)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: New to lifestyle and needing advice - 9/3/2009 6:50:00 PM   
shadowowl


Posts: 198
Joined: 5/31/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cal1951

how dose a non submissive person be submissive

happens all the time they top from the bottom hehe though i guess not really submissive when it comes down to it they just like to play the part from time to time.  Which I guess there is nothing wrong with that as long as they are with a partner that doesn't mind.  :)

(in reply to cal1951)
Profile   Post #: 20
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