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I think I am, but maybe not... - 6/10/2009 11:32:54 AM

CatdeMedici

Posts: 2257
Joined: 10/20/2008
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This post is outside the realm of play--for I see in play that people can for a period of time, BE, some role.

We often see people wrestle with the I am this, i am that, should i be this, could I do that. My question is, in this BDSM world:

Can a person convince themselves that they are something that they may not be? Can they do it for a lifetime? Can you slip into a role that you might feel sorta ok in but not completely?

_____________________________

I am the Cat, holder of the whip and chair.

"Let's see-whips, dips, chains, chips, yep sounds like a party to Me!"

Post #: 1

RE: I think I am, but maybe not... - 6/10/2009 11:37:56 AM

subtlebutterfly

Posts: 2230
Joined: 6/15/2008
From: Not your hood
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In my opinion: Of course, just like when people have been lying for long they get stuck in their lies n eventually start believing their lies. I'm not necessarily calling it lie but maybe it's more of a "fooling oneself". ..my point is that you can tell yourself everything, and if it looks good enough then you may believe it.
Yes I think it could last a lifetime unless somebody would be able to talk/beat

some sense into you.

_____________________________

~Ms. Awesomeness to YOU!~

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 2

RE: I think I am, but maybe not... - 6/10/2009 11:38:53 AM

PyrotheClown

Posts: 1950
Joined: 5/18/2009
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Um...Yeah, people do shit like that all the time with all sorts of things, why should bdsm be any different

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 3

RE: I think I am, but maybe not... - 6/10/2009 11:45:26 AM

sleazybutterfly

Posts: 2801
Joined: 5/15/2006
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fp

Why not just do what makes you happy? Why is there a need for a label?

Chances are if you like it, there is someone out there that likes the same thing. The hard part comes in sifting through all of the wankers to find it.

Heck, I don't remember the last time I called M, "sir". I don't walk around naked, or get punished for anything.

I actually make all of my own decisions, handle all of the finances, and other than trying to make his life better, I don't do things much different than any other wife.

He does call me names, but that's only during sex. Most other times he calls me, hon, baby, or something along that line.

Everyone's dynamic is different and it works for them. Find what works for you.

edited cause my fingers were tongue tied

< Message edited by sleazybutterfly -- 6/10/2009 11:46:33 AM >

_____________________________

~Flutterby
~Curvylicious
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly.
Life is not a popularity contest, it's better to be hated for what you believe, than loved for a lie.

(in reply to PyrotheClown)

Post #: 4

RE: I think I am, but maybe not... - 6/10/2009 11:50:55 AM

PyrotheClown

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Joined: 5/18/2009
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screw labels, I've seen people get confused about what makes them happy...

then again, I've seen people get confused over just about anything..

We're funny monkeys, and I believe our brains are vastly over(and under)rated.

(in reply to sleazybutterfly)

Post #: 5

RE: I think I am, but maybe not... - 6/10/2009 11:53:00 AM

LaTigresse

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Joined: 1/15/2006
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I think the world is full of people that have been sold, and sold themselves, on roles or lifestyles. The look at the life they have and wonder why they are not happy with it seems they have everything. I did it, I've known others that have also.

I think the more boundaries you put upon yourself, or others have put upon you, the worse it can be. Whether those boundaries are religious, family acceptance, or community acceptance.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 6

RE: I think I am, but maybe not... - 6/10/2009 12:25:37 PM

Fitznicely

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Joined: 10/18/2006
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I tried. I've been interested in and actively researching BDSM for over 20 years now. For a long while, in the beginning, because I liked tying and restraint, that I must be sub. This, by the way, is back in my mid teens...

I got in with a woman who, tho she wasn't at all interested in SM, she was very in-your-face and overwhelming...I certainly identified as submissive for a while while I was with her...and for many reasons, these were the least satisfying, least fulfilling, most uninteresting time of my adult life.

About six months before the final end of my time with her, I went away. It was the first time I'd been on vacation utterly on my own. It was an epiphany, people saw the real, unedited me and liked it. I came home, having left all my acts, all the masks I used to wear, behind.

We didn't match anymore. I didn't stand for her overbearing attitude, she didn't care for my new, "crueller" personality. We went our separate ways. I've been happy ever since.

The point of the story is that I couldn't do it, and when I tried, I was miserable.

Deep down, I think we all know what we are, whether it's a sub, Dom, line worker, manager, street sweeper, housewife, whore. When we find the joy that is our niche, we know it and finally find contentment.

Unfortunately, the worlds we all tend to live in drum into us that contentment is less important than having more and more money in your pocket, so the vast majority of people settle for whatever small glints of happiness they can get, and to hell with what role they were born to be...

_____________________________

I tell you this: No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn
Proud Owner of Darkmoonkat. Such a good girl!

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 7

RE: I think I am, but maybe not... - 6/10/2009 12:29:22 PM

velvetvixen

Posts: 378
Joined: 1/19/2004
Status: offline

I think you can try to convince yourself of a lot of things and try to make it ok, but if you keep coming back to it, you haven't fully convinced yourself and it's not really ok with you.

Be happy, life's short.

vv

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 8

RE: I think I am, but maybe not... - 6/10/2009 1:01:13 PM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
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Sure, I think it's entirely possible.
I've certainly fulfilled roles that I was not wholly comfortable in.
< shrug > That's life sometimes and certainly choice.
Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to velvetvixen)

Post #: 9

RE: I think I am, but maybe not... - 6/10/2009 2:11:09 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

This post is outside the realm of play--for I see in play that people can for a period of time, BE, some role.

We often see people wrestle with the I am this, i am that, should i be this, could I do that. My question is, in this BDSM world:

Can a person convince themselves that they are something that they may not be? Can they do it for a lifetime? Can you slip into a role that you might feel sorta ok in but not completely?

Yes. I did.

I have said before that there is nothing submissive about me at all. It takes a strong man; physically, mentally, psychologically...to bend, or in some cases, to break my will so that it bends more in line with his.
I submitted to my late husband. Not because it was what I would have chosen or what I wanted to do...but because in order to have him, it had to be on his terms and he would not have accepted anything less than total and complete surender. And I wanted him.
The sacrifice was more than worth it

I played that role for over ten years; 24/7, 365; and never regretted it once.

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 10

RE: I think I am, but maybe not... - 6/10/2009 3:49:15 PM

DomImus

Posts: 2004
Joined: 3/17/2009
Status: offline

I have been involved in this stuff that we do for a long time but during that period of time before the internet became a prominent public thing (let's say mid 1990s in my case) it was mostly a private thing I did. I did not have any real interaction with others who did it outside of the various partners I was with over that time. I often wonder if people were walking around wondering if they were dom or sub or whatever back then, too.

Sometimes I also wonder if the internet has not made all of this a bit more mainstream and attracted folks who find it provocative but then are forced to decide which team they are on. They never faced that before they stumbled upon all of this because it just basically never had occurred to them. I'm sure that there were many who had long standing instincts about it and public exposure to sites like this helped them make sense of those instincts but in a lot of those cases I have seen they knew from their instincts where they fit in the spectrum - they just didn't really realize what the spectrum was until they saw it in more concise terms.

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 11

RE: I think I am, but maybe not... - 6/10/2009 3:49:18 PM

PeonForHer

Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
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Can a person convince themselves that they are something that they may not be? Can they do it for a lifetime? Can you slip into a role that you might feel sorta ok in but not completely?

Oh yes. I'm near certain that large numbers of people - perhaps most - do that most of the time. Once, doing a bit of research, I discovered a maxim that went, roughly, "desires change according to what you assume can be achieved". I found that a similar maxim exists amongst psychologists, social thinkers, political thinkers, economists . . . just about every subject discipline. At one time I didn't think I could "be" a submissive because I didn't believe dominant women existed. So I put up with vanilla (without even knowing that label) and just wondered, continually, why I wasn't happy.

There are voices - both inside the mind and outside of it - that will try to convince you that what you are now, and what you have, will always be what you are, and what you have.

_____________________________

http://www.domme-chronicles.com

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 12

RE: I think I am, but maybe not... - 6/10/2009 6:30:02 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

When we are young, we don't necessarily know "who" we are. We also change over time. So I don't know that is really being something we aren't. I think that a lot of times it is something that we think we "may" be or are at that moment. Sometimes we all do some really crazy things for love. I don't mean "crazy" in a bad sense. As with IrishMist; she was very much in love in her husband and "became" whatever she needed to be to be with him. The fact that they were happy for so many years (to IrishMist, I'm sorry it ended too soon) is a testament to the fact that it was "real."

So...If you "think" you are something right now, or want to become something out of love for another, it isn't being someone you aren't. It is being what you "want" to be. If someday that changes, well, life changes all of us as it goes on and we can either stagnate or change with it. Those choices always remain ours.

(in reply to PeonForHer)

Post #: 13

RE: I think I am, but maybe not... - 6/10/2009 6:37:42 PM

PyrotheClown

Posts: 1950
Joined: 5/18/2009
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altho I have no argument that young people often find ourselves aimless, lost, and other wise confused...I've seen plenty of my "elders" in the same position from time to time..I don't know if it's just people in general, or a failure of some people to properly Grow up, I've seen it more then a enough times to know that it's not rare.
and enough times to know how much worse it gets as people drag themselves through that sort of nonsense for a longer period of time.

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Post #: 14

RE: I think I am, but maybe not... - 6/10/2009 6:56:55 PM

Andalusite

Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline

I think *loads* of people only try one role, and don't consider other possibilities. Personally, I started out as a Domme for almost 5 years, and was happy and fulfilled in that role. It hadn't occurred to me to even try switching, either on a D/s or S/M basis, and my fantasies were all from the Dominant perspective. In the next relationship I had, I was mostly Top, and did a little very light bottoming a couple of times. In the one after that, my partner was new to BDSM, and we tried a little of both, and found that he really loved topping me, and didn't intrinsically enjoy bottoming, though he was willing to do it for me if I wanted him to. I've been with a couple of other people who were new to BDSM after that, and it similarly took a few play sessions on both sides of the whip before they figured out whether they were top, bottom, or switch.

For a long time, I was certain that I couldn't *possibly* be a submissive, much less a slave - and was far more adamant about it when I started visiting BDSM-oriented sites and joined the local Scene. Too many things that I didn't want seemed to be expected universally of submissives and slaves, so I didn't want any part of it. Since I can come across as a bit tentative socially, I had a lot of people who *wanted* me to be submissive, or who commented about my being submissive when I was just bottoming. It drove me nuts, especially from people who weren't even involved in the scene I was in. In my last relationship, I very much enjoyed being a submissive most of the time, and it felt very natural. I did have some difficulties at times, but not so much about the submissive aspect as other things. In my current relationship, I'm a slave - I'm very new to it, and we spent a lot of time discussing expectations, our perceptions of the difference between submission and consensual slavery, etc. What role I'm happy and fulfilled in depends on the interaction with the other person - I identify as a switch regardless. I wasn't lying, confused, or fooling myself when I identified as a Domme, or when I refused to be a submissive - it was true at the time, but I've changed since.

< Message edited by Andalusite -- 6/10/2009 6:57:46 PM >

(in reply to PyrotheClown)

Post #: 15

RE: I think I am, but maybe not... - 6/10/2009 7:02:52 PM

GYPZYQUEEN

Posts: 730
Joined: 4/14/2009
Status: offline

Excavating the authentic self takes a lifetime..

and we can re-write our script anytime we want

GQ

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Post #: 16

RE: I think I am, but maybe not... - 6/10/2009 7:04:34 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DavanKael
Sure, I think it's entirely possible.
I've certainly fulfilled roles that I was not wholly comfortable in.
< shrug > That's life sometimes and certainly choice.

*nods* as have we all. Of course, if you believe in the possibilty of humans growing and learning, it is also conceivable that someone might grow into a role which was initially uncomfortable to them. Imagine that.

Let's see, if I go back in time as far as I can remember, I'd probably have a list of god knows how many roles I've occupied... some of them were initially comfortable, some not. Over time, some of them I got rid of and others stayed. Some I eventually grew into, others not. In my opinion, humans are extremely malleable and it's near impossible to predict what someone may or may not "be" tomorrow based on what they are today. One single life event can change everything.

Of course, the OP's posit is also true... it is possible to adopt a role and never become truly comfortable with it.

< Message edited by leadership527 -- 6/10/2009 7:35:52 PM >

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to DavanKael)

Post #: 17

RE: I think I am, but maybe not... - 6/10/2009 7:05:00 PM

MarcEsadrian

Posts: 852
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

We often see people wrestle with the I am this, i am that, should i be this, could I do that. My question is, in this BDSM world:

Can a person convince themselves that they are something that they may not be? Can they do it for a lifetime? Can you slip into a role that you might feel sorta ok in but not completely?

Most certainly. Society itself is a matrix of this all too common phenomenon. How many can truly say their passions are fully mirrored by the lives they live?

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 18

RE: I think I am, but maybe not... - 6/10/2009 7:14:18 PM

PyrotheClown

Posts: 1950
Joined: 5/18/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MarcEsadrian

quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

We often see people wrestle with the I am this, i am that, should i be this, could I do that. My question is, in this BDSM world:

Can a person convince themselves that they are something that they may not be? Can they do it for a lifetime? Can you slip into a role that you might feel sorta ok in but not completely?

Most certainly. Society itself is a matrix of this all too common phenomenon. How many can truly say their passions are fully mirrored by the lives they live?

HAha, alot of peoples "passions" are far different from their actual emotional(ect.) needs
You always have to accommodate the perception gap between personal image and reality..
hopefully at some point you're able to put two and two together, or hope that the gap isn't too insurmountable(and/or, that the person actually has the wear with all and drive to bridge the gap.)that it will never be achieved, or if they ever bridge the gap, that they find it a big disappointment.

Reality can be a bitch if you convince your self of something totally different,
and the human mind is capable of just about anything lol.

(in reply to MarcEsadrian)

Post #: 19

RE: I think I am, but maybe not... - 6/10/2009 7:35:08 PM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CatdeMedici

Can a person convince themselves that they are something that they may not be? Can they do it for a lifetime? Can you slip into a role that you might feel sorta ok in but not completely?

Of course. My mother did it when she gave up a career in show business to move to a different country and raise 5 kids. My father did it when he worked a 30+ year career to support his family. People do it all the time. Not everyone can live the life they love; most often they live the best they can with what they have. Otherwise, well, I'd be eating paella in Seville right about now...

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to CatdeMedici)

Post #: 20

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