Getting past the past (Full Version)

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cantsay -> Getting past the past (6/11/2009 8:18:54 AM)

i find my biggest obstacle to submission is letting go of my past experiences and trusting a DOM i am with in the present to NOT be as others have been...so far it has either been a self-fulfilling prophecy that i find the same kind of DOM OR i push the DOM away with my constant worry and questioning about things they MAY do....my biggest issues are severe punishment and not believing that the DOM actually cares at all about ME versus simply about my allowing Him to do anything He wished with me.

Any advice?



DesFIP -> RE: Getting past the past (6/11/2009 8:27:17 AM)

Slow down. You can't let him have carte blanche until he's proved himself trustworthy.
If you pick the same kind of person every time, the kind that are bad for you, then go do some work figuring out why you go for these people. Hint, they are familiar, as in family. Deal with your knee jerk chemistry that attracts you to people who mistreat you in a way you are familiar being mistreated.

Write down two lists. One of the things the jerks do, bad qualities they have. Another with what responsible trustworthy people do, good qualities they have.

Then observe what they do and put a check on the plus or minus side with a note of exactly what they did wrong or right. For example, the cook screws up your order. A jerk yells at the waitress and stiffs her because the cook overcooked his steak. A good guy is friendly when he tells her she needs to take it back and have it be rare, not well done, as he ordered it.

Someone who picks you up on time shows respect for you, someone who is an hour late without calling shows you contempt.

Since you can't trust your gut reaction, as you go for the bad boys, you need to go slower and make notes of which category he's in. Say no thanks to the jerks and go back for more with the good guys.



cantsay -> RE: Getting past the past (6/11/2009 8:31:34 AM)

that is a wonderful idea, but i honestly don't know what a "good" guy is...lol...i have such skewed ideas of that...if the DOM doesn't beat me, then i assume He is good..



DesFIP -> RE: Getting past the past (6/11/2009 8:37:20 AM)

As a kid, didn't you have a friend who you loved to go visit? Because her parents had a great relationship; he was warm and supportive to his wife, smiled at his kids, welcomed their friends, and still had no problem reminding the people in the house of their responsibilities? "Hey sweet cakes, thought you were baking an apple pie for tonight's dinner" instead of "you stupid bitch, how many times do I have to tell you something".

Teachers who were approachable and wanted to help but still held you accountable? Use them as role models of good guys.

But seriously watch how he treats waitresses and bus boys and other people who are not in a position to do him any favors. A good person is polite to all, not rude to most and a toady to ones who he thinks he can get stuff from.



breatheasone -> RE: Getting past the past (6/11/2009 1:03:01 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: cantsay

i find my biggest obstacle to submission is letting go of my past experiences and trusting a DOM i am with in the present to NOT be as others have been...so far it has either been a self-fulfilling prophecy that i find the same kind of DOM OR i push the DOM away with my constant worry and questioning about things they MAY do....my biggest issues are severe punishment and not believing that the DOM actually cares at all about ME versus simply about my allowing Him to do anything He wished with me.

Any advice?

Boy HOWDY!.... Do i UNDERSTAND you..... its just an enormous amount of self control... you HAVE to keep in the front of your mind, that was then....this is now.....

Also you need to find a "D" type that is able and willing to be patient, and faithful in the everyday small stuff....so your heart and mind will begin to trust him more for the bigger stuff. [sm=2cents.gif]



SimplyMichael -> RE: Getting past the past (6/11/2009 1:15:39 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: cantsay

that is a wonderful idea, but i honestly don't know what a "good" guy is...lol...i have such skewed ideas of that...if the DOM doesn't beat me, then i assume He is good..


Therapy helped me become a better person and there are a couple of issues I look forward to working on again with a therapist.  I say that as someone who posts here who most would say is at least a decent dominant.  My advice isn't to slow down but to stop and spend some time in therapy working on your self esteem.  You are unique and special but you need to believe that in your core, THEN you can start looking for a good man to choose as a partner!

I wish you well.



cantsay -> RE: Getting past the past (6/11/2009 1:17:33 PM)

thank You for this thought...i have been in a LOT of therapy



sweetsub1957 -> RE: Getting past the past (6/11/2009 3:11:17 PM)

The best i can offer is, get to know the Dom as a Person first.....the kind of Person He is will make a difference in the kind of Dom He is.  When i was searching, i met a lot of Doms Who were not what i was looking for.....then i analyzed what i really wanted in a Dominant and a D/s relationship, re-wrote my profile, and started reacting differently to the letters i got in my inbox.  i took more time getting to know the Doms first and Sir stood out, so different than all the rest, so here W/we are now.  The best advice i have is to take your time and get to know Them as People first.  If They don't want to allow you that, move on.  [;)]



oceanwinds -> RE: Getting past the past (6/11/2009 3:24:46 PM)

What contributed to me getting off the merry-go-round was ceasing all activity in finding that special one  to save me. I gave up on the white knight, and hopped on the horse myself and saved myself. Yes, i will occassionally get thrown from the horse to only land in a pit, but I get myself out of that pit and back on my own horse.

Relationships can be great, I managed to have one for 29 years. He was the one who taught me to run when anyone claims they can fix me and save me. He told me to run very fast from the white knight complex.  When i fell off my horse, he did not come in and rescue me. He told me to figure it out myself.

Now a widow and on my own 4 years, a wk from today, i been able to take what he has taught me. I do have a friend i call Sir, who will and has kicked me out of the nest so i can fly solo. No one is saving this girl but me.

Past is over. Look at the red flags and why and what you seek from that, and move on with slow steps.

oceanwinds



NihilusZero -> RE: Getting past the past (6/11/2009 3:43:12 PM)

[tangent]
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

A good guy is friendly when he tells her she needs to take it back and have it be rare, not well done, as he ordered it.

10 points for the reference to a rare-cooked steak.
[/tangent]



NihilusZero -> RE: Getting past the past (6/11/2009 3:45:22 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: cantsay

that is a wonderful idea, but i honestly don't know what a "good" guy is...lol...i have such skewed ideas of that...if the DOM doesn't beat me, then i assume He is good..

It's easy. You actually have to start understanding what you want/seek out of partner in a relationship.

Try doing this before there's someone there to muddy the comparative parameters.



SexyBlackMan2 -> RE: Getting past the past (6/11/2009 3:46:12 PM)

It's called, "TAKE THINGS SLOWER".

First of all, it's not fair to think every Dom is like your past Doms. Also, if you keep finding the same type of abusive person, then you need to look inside yourself.

There are very good Dom's out there....Fix yourself and you'll open up and find lots of happiness.



DesFIP -> RE: Getting past the past (6/11/2009 4:19:36 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

[tangent]
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

A good guy is friendly when he tells her she needs to take it back and have it be rare, not well done, as he ordered it.

10 points for the reference to a rare-cooked steak.
[/tangent]


Okay can I get extra points for a side of garlic mashed potatoes?



antipode -> RE: Getting past the past (6/11/2009 6:59:32 PM)

quote:

Any advice?


I see this in profiles now and again - you know "bad experiences" and "trust issues". From my perspective, if a new person in my life - new playmate, new girlfriend, whatever - would allow the way she treats me to be impacted by her past bad experiences, I'd be out of there quite quickly. It is selfish and very disrespectful. I have nothing to do with anyone's past experiences, they're hers, and hers to deal with.



Fitznicely -> RE: Getting past the past (6/11/2009 7:24:07 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: cantsay

i find my biggest obstacle to submission is letting go of my past experiences and trusting a DOM i am with in the present to NOT be as others have been...so far it has either been a self-fulfilling prophecy that i find the same kind of DOM OR i push the DOM away with my constant worry and questioning about things they MAY do....my biggest issues are severe punishment and not believing that the DOM actually cares at all about ME versus simply about my allowing Him to do anything He wished with me.

Any advice?


HE is not THEM. He deserves at least a chance to prove himself as an individual in his own right.

You've been in a lot of therapy, but nobody has dealt with your trust issues, or helped you focus your anger/hurt? What are you paying them for?

If you take a look around the boards here, you will see that submitting to someone doesn't mean "letting them do anything they wish". Any decent Dom will take the time to learn your limits and hangups and work either with them or help you get past them.

I wonder if you also have a problem opening up to a Dom and TELLING them what issues and mental stumbling blocks you have. That would explain why you don't believe He cares about you. Not lettiing them know you, sets them up for failure from the start.

EveryBODY is different and 10 different Doms will have 10 different ways of being dominant. If they're all coming across as being the same to you, then maybe it's something YOU'RE doing that makes the Doms all act in a similar way.

When you say "Self fulfilling prophecy" what I hear is you waiting for some cue - they do something you can't handle - and then saying "I KNEW you'd be just like the others". That's not fair on them at all.

I'd echo other advice here - slow down, get to know them, share yourself with them and work on correctly focussing your anger - your issues are with INDIVIDUALS, not EVERYONE. They, personally, did the horrible things to you...WE, I didn't. That is what you have to remember when you step into the room with the next Dom.



cantsay -> RE: Getting past the past (6/12/2009 5:48:02 AM)

Thank You for Your well thought out answer--it is VERY insightful and thought provoking. You are correct that i put things out there and wait for the DOM to fulfill the horrible things that i "know" they will.  Of course it does not help that dozens and dozens of DOMs on here immediately begin listing the intense and frightening things that they will do to me and expecting immediate and complete submission whenever they contact me....it makes it hard to find the true DOMs among all the players.



sublace -> RE: Getting past the past (6/12/2009 7:37:34 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: cantsay

i find my biggest obstacle to submission is i push the DOM away with my constant worry and questioning


Clarity on that? please


[those little dogs are tooo cute]
[would anyone care for a side of creamed spinich tonight?]



cantsay -> RE: Getting past the past (6/12/2009 7:59:30 AM)

That honestly has to be the most selfish answer You could have written--everyone has past issues and if the sub is TRULY working on the issues and trying, then it is WRONG for You to dismiss her because of that.



cantsay -> RE: Getting past the past (6/12/2009 8:01:56 AM)

i tend to not believe that i am actually pleasing to Him, actually satisfying His needs...i worry constantly that He will want another...



sirsholly -> RE: Getting past the past (6/12/2009 8:05:57 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

quote:

Any advice?


I see this in profiles now and again - you know "bad experiences" and "trust issues". From my perspective, if a new person in my life - new playmate, new girlfriend, whatever - would allow the way she treats me to be impacted by her past bad experiences, I'd be out of there quite quickly. It is selfish and very disrespectful. I have nothing to do with anyone's past experiences, they're hers, and hers to deal with.

Rather interesting viewpoint....and totally off base. You do not "have nothing to do with anyones past experiences". If fact it is just the opposite. We are all made up of our past experiences, both good and bad. To say you want someone with no experiences leads me to suggest a blow up doll.



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