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red flags - 6/11/2009 11:02:44 AM   
subserviantfl


Posts: 3
Joined: 6/11/2009
Status: offline 		just wondering,well first let me say hi,new the lifestyle,look forward to soaking up as much information as i can about bdsm,that said what are some stuff that i need to look out for that can put my saftey or health at risk,any info greatly appreciated,i'd rather not travel down a wrong road if someone had driven that route before
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: red flags - 6/11/2009 11:04:18 AM   
OttersSwim


Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline 		#1  If you wouldn't do it in your vanilla dating life, don't do it here either...

Welcome to the forums! 


_____________________________

I am on a journey of authenticity and self.

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Profile   Post #: 2
RE: red flags - 6/11/2009 11:38:01 AM   
MissP


Posts: 103
Joined: 10/1/2004
Status: offline 		It's not failsafe, but ask for references :)

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MissP xx

http://www.mistress-p.co.uk/

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Profile   Post #: 3
RE: red flags - 6/11/2009 12:45:17 PM   
Aylee


Posts: 24103
Joined: 10/14/2007
Status: offline 		This was in Aquatic's .sig line, but I find it applicable:

If it sounds like the start of an ER doctor's party story, you might want to re-think it. 

_____________________________

Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam

I don’t always wgah’nagl fhtagn. But when I do, I ph’nglui mglw’nafh R’lyeh.

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Profile   Post #: 4
RE: red flags - 6/11/2009 12:46:31 PM   
subserviantfl


Posts: 3
Joined: 6/11/2009
Status: offline 		References thats a good idea,a no brainer but i didnt think about it thank you for your responses i really appreciate it.

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Profile   Post #: 5
RE: red flags - 6/11/2009 1:05:01 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline 		references are only as good as how much you trust the person giving them, IMO.  


Trust your gut.   If something seems hinky, it probably is.


_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to subserviantfl)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: red flags - 6/11/2009 1:07:56 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		I had someone tell me they could provide references.  I laughed.  You all are strangers to me... why would I trust any of you?  I will decide who to trust and who not to on their merit and my own, whatever that is or however it is presented.  If it is someone I know, then we may be talking something of value.

Use your common sense.  Any one can act safe and assure you of many things... con men/women are good at their game.  Dangerous people don't wear a sign and they sure don't have a 'look'. The Freeway killer was considered a very nice young man! lol

Now when it comes to play activities... look them up... do your own research and don't let anyone do anything to you that you don't know about.  Depend on yourself and not someone else.  Read these boards... you will find just about anything here.  Those that have been hurt or burned, those that know how to do different things and a lot of factoids that will do you well.  There are people who teach certain things in demo's and you can find whatever it is you seek between here, local things, publishings and google.

Have fun... enjoy the exploration with common sense firmly in place. 



_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


(in reply to subserviantfl)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: red flags - 6/11/2009 2:05:00 PM   
GeorgiaMaam


Posts: 23
Joined: 5/27/2009
Status: offline 		The info they give you in an email needs to match the info on their profile (if they say they're in another state - something is wrong)

Attempts to get around basic requirements for keeping yourself safe.   For example, you know that it's a good idea to meet in a public place the first time or three, right?  Had a "sub" ask to come help me with some things at my house - I explained I don't bring anyone home until I've basically established a relationship with them - he said oh I just want to be friends, and proceeded to ask to come to my house to "help" me again.  Red flag!!  Probably an axe murderer.

If they're not someone you'd date in a vanilla situation (think about things that are important to you, like character, education level, income level, etc), then don't throw that aside because they're kinky.

If you're meeting someone because YOU JUST NEED TO TRY THIS, then fork over the cash to go to a respectable professional domme.   It'll cost you less in the long run than jumping into situations where you could get hurt because your hormones are ruling your head.

(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: red flags - 6/11/2009 2:55:57 PM   
ThatDamnedPanda


Posts: 6060
Joined: 1/26/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GeorgiaMaam

The info they give you in an email needs to match the info on their profile (if they say they're in another state - something is wrong)

Attempts to get around basic requirements for keeping yourself safe.   For example, you know that it's a good idea to meet in a public place the first time or three, right?  Had a "sub" ask to come help me with some things at my house - I explained I don't bring anyone home until I've basically established a relationship with them - he said oh I just want to be friends, and proceeded to ask to come to my house to "help" me again.  Red flag!!  Probably an axe murderer.


Probably? Definitely! You spotted him out. Should have beaten him at his own game; invited him over and hit him over the head with a skillet the minute he walked in the door. Chopped him 'up and stored him in an underground oil drum for future archaelogists to puzzle over.

Seriously, though, that is rather slimy. I suppose it's almost a good thing that some of the really creepy ones are as creepy as they are, because that sort of behavior helps them weed themselves out in the opening rounds.

quote:

ORIGINAL: GeorgiaMaam
If they're not someone you'd date in a vanilla situation (think about things that are important to you, like character, education level, income level, etc), then don't throw that aside because they're kinky.

If you're meeting someone because YOU JUST NEED TO TRY THIS, then fork over the cash to go to a respectable professional domme.   It'll cost you less in the long run than jumping into situations where you could get hurt because your hormones are ruling your head.


It's amazing the number of problems we can prevent in our lives simpy by thinking beyond the next 15 minutes. And even more amazing to realize how rare an event that is.


_____________________________

Panda, panda, burning bright
In the forest of the night
What immortal hand or eye
Made you all black and white and roly-poly like that?


(in reply to GeorgiaMaam)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: red flags - 6/11/2009 5:06:05 PM   
TEMPERANCE


Posts: 126
Joined: 8/22/2006
Status: offline 		Be extra cautious if they are calling themselves Master......

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http://www.cruelhuntress.proboards.com

(in reply to subserviantfl)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: red flags - 6/11/2009 5:12:02 PM   
NormalOutside


Posts: 622
Joined: 1/8/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit
I had someone tell me they could provide references.  I laughed.  You all are strangers to me... why would I trust any of you?  I will decide who to trust and who not to on their merit and my own, whatever that is or however it is presented.  If it is someone I know, then we may be talking something of value.

Another mind and another perspective wouldn't be useful? I disagree. I see what you mean - everybody is a stranger - but three of four strangers' perspectives about a potential date/relationship are better than one.

quote:

ORIGINAL: TEMPERANCE
Be extra cautious if they are calling themselves Master......

Or ma'am, or mistress, or sir, or lord, or queen, or any other title. Anyone calling themselves ANYTHING is obviously trying to kill you.


_____________________________

I won't see your reply, because I don't use this account anymore.

(in reply to TEMPERANCE)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: red flags - 6/11/2009 6:48:34 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		Three or four friends of the one... no thanks... I will stick to my own take on things. lol 

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


(in reply to NormalOutside)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: red flags - 6/11/2009 8:14:08 PM   
GeorgiaMaam


Posts: 23
Joined: 5/27/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ThatDamnedPanda

quote:

ORIGINAL: GeorgiaMaam

The info they give you in an email needs to match the info on their profile (if they say they're in another state - something is wrong)

Attempts to get around basic requirements for keeping yourself safe.   For example, you know that it's a good idea to meet in a public place the first time or three, right?  Had a "sub" ask to come help me with some things at my house - I explained I don't bring anyone home until I've basically established a relationship with them - he said oh I just want to be friends, and proceeded to ask to come to my house to "help" me again.  Red flag!!  Probably an axe murderer.


Probably? Definitely! You spotted him out. Should have beaten him at his own game; invited him over and hit him over the head with a skillet the minute he walked in the door. Chopped him 'up and stored him in an underground oil drum for future archaelogists to puzzle over.

Seriously, though, that is rather slimy. I suppose it's almost a good thing that some of the really creepy ones are as creepy as they are, because that sort of behavior helps them weed themselves out in the opening rounds.


And here's the thing....if you're offering to go to a complete stranger's home, or you're willing to have a complete stranger to your home....you're not all there LOL    I am automatically very suspicious of people who are more than willing to skip over basic, reasonable precautions that you should take when meeting someone on the internet - even more so if I state what is essentially a hard limit and they ignore it or try to slime their way around it.  I actually think the person in question was just really attention-needy rather than an axe murderer and maybe didn't think how he was coming off.  Still, not going to take that chance to appease someone else's neediness.

< Message edited by GeorgiaMaam -- 6/11/2009 8:22:44 PM >

(in reply to ThatDamnedPanda)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: red flags - 6/11/2009 8:41:02 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NormalOutside

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit
I had someone tell me they could provide references.  I laughed.  You all are strangers to me... why would I trust any of you?  I will decide who to trust and who not to on their merit and my own, whatever that is or however it is presented.  If it is someone I know, then we may be talking something of value.

Another mind and another perspective wouldn't be useful? I disagree. I see what you mean - everybody is a stranger - but three of four strangers' perspectives about a potential date/relationship are better than one.


Think about job interviews, would you give references from the boss that would say you were constantly late, lazy and under investigation for forgery? or would you have friends, people that like you (even if they know very little about you) and the like give a reference?
References are only as good as the honor of the people giving them. I want to hear what a subs shortcomings are especially from someone referring them...why don't they want them if they are so great?


_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to NormalOutside)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: red flags - 6/11/2009 8:50:20 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OttersSwim

#1  If you wouldn't do it in your vanilla dating life, don't do it here either...

Welcome to the forums! 



This is some of the best advice you'll ever get.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to OttersSwim)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: red flags - 6/11/2009 9:44:55 PM   
Calandra


Posts: 725
Joined: 11/22/2004
Status: offline 		I have to disagree with the majority here... I actually DO insist on references with some people.

I tend to rely on My instincts mostly, but if I am given references I have the ability to ask these people pointed questions about the person who wants to meet Me, but also to ask lifestyle questions to ascertain the skill and character of the people this guy (or girl) hangs around with. Sure, they may be giving a glowing reference for their friend, but quite often you can discover the kind of people the person chooses as friends and lovers.

I tend to ask questions about what they like to do together (both kinky and non kinky). What they would consider the person's best points and worst points are. I may ask whether they ever had a scene go wrong (or if the reference is vanilla, I ask them to describe a time when the other person was angry, upset, frustrated, and how they handled it). So many questions you can ask both the prospective person and the references in a CONVERSATIONAL WAY so you can compare notes. "So how did you two meet?" "Where did you go on your first date?" etc....

References can be a powerful tool if you are diligent and insightful.

_____________________________

Lady Kathryn
Athens, Ga.
House of Phoenix

"Nothing is ever final until you're dead - and even then I'm sure God negotiates" Anjelica Huston in Everafter

(in reply to subserviantfl)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: red flags - 6/11/2009 10:11:11 PM   
ThatDamnedPanda


Posts: 6060
Joined: 1/26/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: GeorgiaMaam


And here's the thing....if you're offering to go to a complete stranger's home, or you're willing to have a complete stranger to your home....you're not all there LOL    I am automatically very suspicious of people who are more than willing to skip over basic, reasonable precautions that you should take when meeting someone on the internet - even more so if I state what is essentially a hard limit and they ignore it or try to slime their way around it.


Yeah, I totally agree. For whatever reason, he wants it way too badly for it to be healthy. Whether it's poor judgment, lack of ordinary social graces, inability to recognize and/or respect other people's boundaries, or something genuinely sinister, it all comes down to the same thing - the guy has just made clear that there's something seriously un-right about him. And exactly what that flaw is really doesn't matter - bottom line is, whatever it is it's something a reasonably sane and intelligent woman is usually going to decide she doesn't want to bring into her life.

And having said that, I have to also say it works pretty much the same way for a submissive man such as myself, too. As a guy, I don't feel I need to worry about my physical safety as much  - no, not because we're such big strong formidable Ninja warrior-gods, but rather because for whatever reason, it's very rare for women to flip out and kill guys. So rare, it never enters my thinking. women aren't nuts, at least not in that fashion. Whereas guys in general have such a demonstrated history of going bonkers and killing women for no reasonable reason whatsoever, it would be foolish for any woman not to take it into consideration. 

But I do happen to be a very private person, rather cautious about letting people get close to me until I know them. Someone rhinocerousing her way into my physical space faster and more aggressively than I'm comfortable with is usually going to make me question what the hell it is she wants, and why she wants it so badly she's acting so impulsively and without regard for normal social niceties and decent manners. As a submissive, this makes me automatically question whether she can be trusted with the responsibility for making sound leadership decisions in my life. And if she's also ignoring my clearly stated wishes to slow down a bit and get to know each other, it's also going to make me wonder whether she can be trusted to listen to what I need, and act with my best interests at heart. It's going to make me wanna back way, way off and think things through a little bit more.



quote:

ORIGINAL: GeorgiaMaam
I actually think the person in question was just really attention-needy rather than an axe murderer and maybe didn't think how he was coming off.  Still, not going to take that chance to appease someone else's neediness.


Maybe I'm just having an uncharacteristically Old Testament kinda day today, but I still advocate clonking him on the melon with a frying pan. Partly because it makes such a cool sound when the mouse does it to the cat in the cartoons, and partly because, hey - what's the worst that can happen? It sure can't make him any dumber, and might actually knock whatever's rattling around loose in there back into its proper orbit. But that's just me. I'm a guy, and like I say, we're kinda nuts that way.


_____________________________

Panda, panda, burning bright
In the forest of the night
What immortal hand or eye
Made you all black and white and roly-poly like that?


(in reply to GeorgiaMaam)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: red flags - 6/11/2009 10:25:04 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		       level 1         2         3         4

<--------^-----^------^------^------>

Above illustration of Panda's time line and wondering where I might fall on it.

Personal home space is one thing.  Meeting folks at coffee, lunch, or some lifestyle event both were already planning to attend should be something else.  There has to be some kind of middle ground.  Otherwise, no one would ever meet anyone.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to ThatDamnedPanda)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: red flags - 6/11/2009 10:37:43 PM   
ThatDamnedPanda


Posts: 6060
Joined: 1/26/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

       level 1         2         3         4

<--------^-----^------^------^------>

Above illustration of Panda's time line and wondering where I might fall on it.



Kiddin' me? Tell me what time your flight lands, so I know what time to start the coffee!

You, and actually quite a lot of posters here would be more than welcome in my home any time you cared to call me up and say you were on the way. All I ask is enough notice to dig the air mattress out of the spare bedroom, get the extra towels hung in the bathroom, and the refrigerator stocked with  whatever you tell me you like to eat and drink. Far as I'm concerned, just about everyone who posts here is pre-screened, and a friend. Even most of the ones I argue with in the Politics forum.

But for someone I don't know anything about yet (the "complete stranger" GeorgiaMaam describes), that's a little different. I need to get a feel for who they are before I have them roaming around at large in my home. I mean, shit, I've got like 800 CDs here. And a full set of Far Side and Calvin and Hobbes books. Complete sets! Nobody's gettin' close to that until I know who they are and what they're about!


_____________________________

Panda, panda, burning bright
In the forest of the night
What immortal hand or eye
Made you all black and white and roly-poly like that?


(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: red flags - 6/11/2009 10:44:45 PM   
GreedyTop


Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline
quote:

And a full set of Far Side and Calvin and Hobbes books.



:: drooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool ::

if I wasn't married......  ;)


_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to ThatDamnedPanda)
Profile   Post #: 20
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