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New relationship question from sub view - 6/11/2009 4:44:54 PM

sunlovinlady

Posts: 3
Joined: 6/11/2009
Status: offline

I have met a new submissive. I like him very much on a personal level, and we have gotten along well. Problem is I just found out from a friend Domme that he has contacted her via her profile and offered his phone number. We have met a few times in person, and I have not 'collared' or really discussed 'our status'. Am I being unfair to want him gone; because that is my general feeling of what to do. I don't accept a sub serving other unless it is via my instruction normally and I find it offensive. My question to the subs here is: do you consider yourself free to consider other Dommes in that situation? When you have not been collared yet or it hasn't been discussed? I find it rude, and it comes off like he does not want to serve me as much as he says he does; more like he'll take it until more preferable Domme comes along. Normally, i wouldn't even bother discussing it, I would kick him to the curb. But, I did really like him in the context of someone to have a relationship with, not just play. Am I wrong here and letting feelings get in the way of my usual senses and sensabilities?

Post #: 1

RE: New relationship question from sub view - 6/11/2009 4:57:52 PM

beargonewild

Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
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Unless there is a mutual agreement to be exclusive and monogamous with each other, then all else is fair game. Just because I have been talking and getting to know a new dom doesn't mean I have to withdraw and avoid any and all contact with other doms even if it's for platonic friendship or whatever.

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(in reply to sunlovinlady)

Post #: 2

RE: New relationship question from sub view - 6/11/2009 5:23:30 PM

SlaveGirlNihel

Posts: 19
Joined: 1/24/2009
From: Orange Park, FL
Status: offline

If i was uncollared and no rules were set with the One i was trying to serve then it wouldn't be wrong

(in reply to beargonewild)

Post #: 3

RE: New relationship question from sub view - 6/11/2009 5:29:53 PM

peppermint

Posts: 5169
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

Sorry, when I was a free lance submissive I might agree to serve someone for a weekend, but that's all. What I did with the rest of my time was my business. If there is no agreed to exclusive relationship then both are free to see whomever they choose.

(in reply to sunlovinlady)

Post #: 4

RE: New relationship question from sub view - 6/11/2009 5:50:58 PM

oceanwinds

Posts: 530
Status: offline

You might feel that you have the right to expect that from him, but in reality why would you? There has not been any concrete agreements of any kind between the two of you by means of written contract or verbal.

Until I felt commited to a certain Dom and it is expressed by both, no one has control over who i talk too etc.

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Post #: 5

RE: New relationship question from sub view - 6/11/2009 5:51:49 PM

kneelingrebel17

Posts: 7
Joined: 10/1/2008
Status: offline

I understand where you are coming from, and how it could be difficult for you. Some people quickly go into "monogamy" mode after only a date or two. However, many of us don't until the situation has been explicitly determined. What you *want* is not always what you *get*. So he may very well *want* to be collared to you greatly, but that doesn't mean the situation will come to fruition. I know that in the past, I have frequently talked to several possible tops until I developed something with one person, but after that I stopped looking until the relationship disolved on its own. Also, it wasn't with the person who I had really *wanted* to be with at the time (and that didn't come about for its own unrelated reasons). If you really feel like you've been wronged, I'd ask him what his thoughts/feelings were about you and your relationship, and then explain to him what you feel and why you feel that way. I know that if I found out I'd let down a potential top that way without realising it, I'd like to know so that I could correct the behavior.

(in reply to peppermint)

Post #: 6

RE: New relationship question from sub view - 6/11/2009 5:55:17 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

You prefer to concentrate on one person at a time, he prefers not to. You have every right to say you are not compatible with him because of your different styles.

Question: Why didn't you say "I like you very much, I think we have good relationship potential. I would appreciate it if you didn't talk to other dommes for the next few weeks until we know if we have sufficient compatibility to become exclusive".

You expected him to read your mind and know that this is how you do things. That's your mistake. He may well feel that because you haven't said anything, you don't feel very interested in him.

Ask him, talk to him, communicate.

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Post #: 7

RE: New relationship question from sub view - 6/11/2009 7:35:30 PM

breatheasone

Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunlovinlady

I have met a new submissive. I like him very much on a personal level, and we have gotten along well. Problem is I just found out from a friend Domme that he has contacted her via her profile and offered his phone number. We have met a few times in person, and I have not 'collared' or really discussed 'our status'. Am I being unfair to want him gone; because that is my general feeling of what to do. I don't accept a sub serving other unless it is via my instruction normally and I find it offensive. My question to the subs here is: do you consider yourself free to consider other Dommes in that situation? When you have not been collared yet or it hasn't been discussed? I find it rude, and it comes off like he does not want to serve me as much as he says he does; more like he'll take it until more preferable Domme comes along. Normally, i wouldn't even bother discussing it, I would kick him to the curb. But, I did really like him in the context of someone to have a relationship with, not just play. Am I wrong here and letting feelings get in the way of my usual senses and sensabilities?

If it were not for what i highlighted in red, i would be completely on your side.....BUT since it wasnt even discussed....Yes, you are being unfair.

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(in reply to sunlovinlady)

Post #: 8

RE: New relationship question from sub view - 6/11/2009 10:35:43 PM

junecleaver

Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
Status: offline

In your shoes... I would have HOPED he would refrain from seeking out others. But I would not have EXPECTED it.

Did he just randomly send his number in a first e-mail or was their an exchange? I wouldn't be attracted to a submissive who just sends out his information like that.

Give yourself more time. If you want to be exclusive, tell him that. Maybe he assumes that you too are talking to others? You'll never know until you discuss it.

_____________________________

"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. "
--Henry A. Kissinger

(in reply to sunlovinlady)

Post #: 9

RE: New relationship question from sub view - 6/12/2009 12:28:24 AM

aravain

Posts: 1211
Joined: 8/26/2008
Status: offline

(haven't read any replies yet)

quote:

My question to the subs here is: do you consider yourself free to consider other Dommes in that situation? When you have not been collared yet or it hasn't been discussed?
...
Am I wrong here and letting feelings get in the way of my usual senses and sensabilities?

Yes. Yes. And, finally, yes.

It's possible he thinks you're dragging your feet (and that he can't request exclusivity because you're the dominant, I don't know how some guys think).

Why haven't you talked to him about it before if it is such a big deal to you to be exclusive?

(in reply to sunlovinlady)

Post #: 10

RE: New relationship question from sub view - 6/12/2009 8:17:08 AM

sweetsub1957

Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline

Before Sir & i had discussed continuing to see E/ach O/other, W/we felt it was free for both of U/us to correspond with/meet Others. As soon as the decision was made to continue, i told all Others i was "in a relationship" and that They & i could only be platonic friends. That's how i think anyway. Before anything is discussed, all is fair game.

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In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to sunlovinlady)

Post #: 11

RE: New relationship question from sub view - 6/12/2009 8:36:25 AM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline

So you met a couple of times and got along well. Why do you think that is enough for him to "think" he shouldn't be talking to others? You never said anything about it as others have mentioned. If you really like this guy, all you can do is talk to him and tell him how you feel and ask him how he feels about not seeing others as you get to know each other. I can tell you one thing....if you approach him with the attitude you showed in your message about how you would kick him to the curb, etc. when you haven't even discussed being exclusive, if it were me, I would voluntarily leave. You are looking for "rights" that you don't have, and you don't have them because you never told him that you want them.

(in reply to sweetsub1957)

Post #: 12

RE: New relationship question from sub view - 6/12/2009 9:49:46 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

I'm going to agree with several others. If there was no expectation of exclusivity established, then it is a free-for-all. I might also point out that you identify as a dominant (or maybe pre-dominant is a better choice given the phase the relationship is in). Therefore, it was YOUR responsibility to ensure clear and adequate expectations were set.

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(in reply to sunlovinlady)

Post #: 13

RE: New relationship question from sub view - 6/12/2009 10:01:54 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunlovinlady
When you have not been collared yet or it hasn't been discussed?

So, you've never discussed your expectations, and yet you find it rude when he doesn't meet your invisible expectations? You've set him up to fail by not discussing things and then would kick him to the curb for failing. Nice.

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(in reply to sunlovinlady)

Post #: 14

RE: New relationship question from sub view - 6/12/2009 10:52:39 AM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunlovinlady

I have met a new submissive. I like him very much on a personal level, and we have gotten along well. Problem is I just found out from a friend Domme that he has contacted her via her profile and offered his phone number. We have met a few times in person, and I have not 'collared' or really discussed 'our status'. Am I being unfair to want him gone; because that is my general feeling of what to do. I don't accept a sub serving other unless it is via my instruction normally and I find it offensive. My question to the subs here is: do you consider yourself free to consider other Dommes in that situation? When you have not been collared yet or it hasn't been discussed? I find it rude, and it comes off like he does not want to serve me as much as he says he does; more like he'll take it until more preferable Domme comes along. Normally, i wouldn't even bother discussing it, I would kick him to the curb. But, I did really like him in the context of someone to have a relationship with, not just play. Am I wrong here and letting feelings get in the way of my usual senses and sensabilities?

To me it's pointless to even think in terms of dominant and submissive until you have (a) met (b) established a relationship and (c) established some sort of a dynamic.

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(in reply to sunlovinlady)

Post #: 15

RE: New relationship question from sub view - 6/12/2009 1:56:05 PM

sunlovinlady

Posts: 3
Joined: 6/11/2009
Status: offline

I guess i was impressed by him, enough to discontinue pursuit of others to see how it worked out. I was hoping it was the same for him. Maybe a better question is: is it a bad sign that he is still pursuing others? Meaning either he is not impressed by me or just the type to never be exclusive despite any statements he makes to me. I tend to forego others if someone impresses me; not out of a requirement, just because I want to see where it leads.
For those that asked. He gave his number almost immediately; very little correspondance.

(in reply to stella41b)

Post #: 16

RE: New relationship question from sub view - 6/12/2009 2:09:47 PM

sunlovinlady

Posts: 3
Joined: 6/11/2009
Status: offline

I know the kick him to the curb stuff sounds harsh - I guess that came from my annoyance. I did feel offended and embarrassed in front of a friend. Anyway; to me it reeks of; " good enough till I find something better' type of thing. Not uncommon in any kind of relationship; I was hoping that was NOT the case.

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 17

RE: New relationship question from sub view - 6/12/2009 3:48:02 PM

DavanKael

Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline

Sans discussion, it's unfair to hold him to parameters that were set only in your head. Communicate!
Davan

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Post #: 18

RE: New relationship question from sub view - 6/12/2009 5:16:57 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sunlovinlady

I guess i was impressed by him, enough to discontinue pursuit of others to see how it worked out. I was hoping it was the same for him.

What do you mean by "hoping"? Did you sit him down and explain that you had expectations?

quote:

Maybe a better question is: is it a bad sign that he is still pursuing others? Meaning either he is not impressed by me or just the type to never be exclusive despite any statements he makes to me. I tend to forego others if someone impresses me; not out of a requirement, just because I want to see where it leads.
For those that asked. He gave his number almost immediately; very little correspondance.

Bluntly, if you have expectations of him and they are not expressed, you have some work to do before Dominating another.

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Post #: 19

RE: New relationship question from sub view - 6/12/2009 5:45:45 PM

antipode

Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline

quote:

I did feel offended and embarrassed in front of a friend.

Your bad, Im afraid. Too much in your head and not enough in the sub's.

(in reply to sunlovinlady)

Post #: 20

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