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Giving up friends - 6/13/2009 9:44:57 PM

SarahnNV

Posts: 25
Joined: 8/16/2008
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My submissive girlfriend was ordered to not contact me anymore because I would not serve beside her with her new Master. I wonder about a Master who alienates a submissive's friends and family. This seems more like an abusive situation rather than a loving D/s relationship. May I get a consensus here?

Post #: 1

RE: Giving up friends - 6/13/2009 9:48:46 PM

KneelforAnne

Posts: 1011
Joined: 6/14/2006
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Assuming that it is simply because you would not do as he liked, then yes…to me it seems as if he is alienating her friends and cutting her off from her support system--as is typical in an abusive relationship.

The next question is what can you do about it? Not a whole lot, other than let her know that you’ll be there for (minus judgment and condemnation) her if she changes her mind.

Good luck!

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Post #: 2

RE: Giving up friends - 6/13/2009 9:51:20 PM

subangi

Posts: 544
Joined: 5/11/2008
Status: offline

I can relate to that from past experience. Being alienated from friends and family is his own lack of confidence in his effort to be dominant. It is not healthy, nor is it condusive in any form of a relationship.

(in reply to SarahnNV)

Post #: 3

RE: Giving up friends - 6/13/2009 9:55:58 PM

Huntertn

Posts: 715
Joined: 10/7/2006
Status: offline

whatever he can't control..he removes..yeppers..it may not be in the crapper now..but its heading there..You can't remove family or friends..its not healthy..unless said family and friends are nuts...and your giving the sub a way out..in the end, the sub has to make that choice rather than the Master..

(in reply to subangi)

Post #: 4

RE: Giving up friends - 6/13/2009 9:58:19 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

There are two red flags here.

The first is that he is punishing HER for YOUR actions. Wrong in every way. To say nothing of the fact that you are entirely within your right to not serve anyone.

The second is that he is isolating her and pushing her into an unhealthy situation.

< Message edited by DarkSteven -- 6/13/2009 10:02:41 PM >

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Post #: 5

RE: Giving up friends - 6/13/2009 10:13:13 PM

SirMIkeSD

Posts: 613
Joined: 3/16/2007
From: San Diego, Ca
Status: offline

There are three sides to every story you say because you would not serve beside her, his side and what actually happened. Just to play devils advocate here could you have been trying to get her to dump him because you did not want to be part of it? Taking your question at face value, it is not a good idea to cut off friends in my mind. Has he cut her off from her other friends? If not then he make have a good reason.

Mike

< Message edited by SirMIkeSD -- 6/13/2009 10:14:00 PM >

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 6

RE: Giving up friends - 6/13/2009 10:15:16 PM

atypicalsub

Posts: 284
Joined: 4/11/2008
From: an atypical sub
Status: offline

Yes this is a HUGE red flag! Even in a vanilla relationship I would get very worried about anyone telling their partner they can't see their old friends. I have never known of an instance of this happening in any type of relationship that it did not turn out baddly.

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(in reply to SarahnNV)

Post #: 7

RE: Giving up friends - 6/13/2009 10:20:23 PM

volshebnik01

Posts: 5
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline

I agree with KneelforAnne, this does not sound like a fair or healthy request.

Wish all of you the best in working this out.

quote:

ORIGINAL: KneelforAnne

Assuming that it is simply because you would not do as he liked, then yes…to me it seems as if he is alienating her friends and cutting her off from her support system--as is typical in an abusive relationship.

The next question is what can you do about it? Not a whole lot, other than let her know that you’ll be there for (minus judgment and condemnation) her if she changes her mind.

Good luck!

(in reply to KneelforAnne)

Post #: 8

RE: Giving up friends - 6/13/2009 10:27:57 PM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

Emotional blackmail... nice. To see you, she has to convince you to serve beside her and if he doesn't get his way, both are punished. Sounds like a cruel and immature person. Wonder what he would do if someone pissed in his wheaties?

You have to accept this because she has. If she allows it, there isn't much you can do but be there when she finds out what happens when someone pisses in his wheaties because knowing life... someone will at some point and then she may wake the hell up.

And as another devils' advocate... even if a friend was seeing something wrong and wanted her friend away from someone... his actions in distancing her from a friend and not being secure in himself and their relationship would concern me. Hell some men would be willing to prove themselves to someone their submissive valued. Some situations would need to be distanced, but some and I think in this case... it is wrong because if she was simply talking against him, he wouldn't want her serving next to his submissive.

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Post #: 9

RE: Giving up friends - 6/14/2009 5:06:19 AM

silvermuse

Posts: 259
Joined: 6/8/2007
Status: offline

That's a run, not walk away red flag from the relationship - or it would be to me.

I'm sorry this is happening to your friend and I hope that she doesn't end up as badly hurt as that red flag suggests is going to happen.

muse

_____________________________

There is darkness and there is evil, never mistake the two.

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 10

RE: Giving up friends - 6/14/2009 5:10:41 AM

ZenDragoness

Posts: 372
Joined: 1/21/2006
From: Berlin/Germany
Status: offline

Basically i am very distrustful about somebody who is cutting a person off their support system (friends and family), but if i think somebody is a bad influence for a person that has entrusted themself to me, i would try to end the contact.

A good example would be my submissive is a recovering drug addict, i would expect him not to have any longer contact with other drug addicts.

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(in reply to SarahnNV)

Post #: 11

RE: Giving up friends - 6/14/2009 5:49:41 AM

sblady

Posts: 433
Joined: 9/28/2007
Status: offline

If this man is telling her that she has to stop communicating because you won't allow him to play in your sandbox (choose a playground favorite), that doesn't sound like something a "master" would do. The only reason I would think communication would be limited or stopped is if the relationship isn't healthy or if you were making negative comments regarding their relationship (I'm not saying this is the case, but just using that as an example).

Also, keep in mind that ultimately it's her choice. No one can make anyone do anything. If I were you, I'd step back and allow her to reevaluate decision.

Best of luck!!

< Message edited by sblady -- 6/14/2009 5:51:35 AM >

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(in reply to SarahnNV)

Post #: 12

RE: Giving up friends - 6/14/2009 6:03:54 AM

sirsholly

Posts: 42360
Joined: 9/7/2007
From: Quietville
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SarahnNV

My submissive girlfriend was ordered to not contact me anymore because I would not serve beside her with her new Master. I wonder about a Master who alienates a submissive's friends and family. This seems more like an abusive situation rather than a loving D/s relationship.

I always see a red flag where isolation is involved. It screams abuser...

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(in reply to SarahnNV)

Post #: 13

RE: Giving up friends - 6/14/2009 6:15:35 AM

OrionTheWolf

Posts: 7803
Joined: 10/11/2006
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There is often more to things than what is presented. There would have to be more information about your particular situation, to offer a good and informed opinion. If a Dom or owner is just isolating for no reason, then it may very well be unhealthy. There are reasons to isolate from particular people though. Is it the initial training period? Does this friendship cause drama and more stress in the sub's life? Are you doing things that the Dom has determined is detrimental to the relationship, or to the sub?

Nothing is quite so simple. I have cut a friend out of my properties life, as that friend just brought drama and stress into her life. Every time they spoke, there was always something new that caused problems. Not to mention this friend was always asking my property for money, to give her a ride (though it is a 45 min drive just to this friend's house), and the final straw was talking badly about me and trying to get my property to move away with her to Colorado.

So you see I do not believe that we have enough information to actually say there are red flags, blue flags, green flags or anything other than what you have presented. If it is the absolute truth, then isolating someone from friends causes emotional harm.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SarahnNV

My submissive girlfriend was ordered to not contact me anymore because I would not serve beside her with her new Master. I wonder about a Master who alienates a submissive's friends and family. This seems more like an abusive situation rather than a loving D/s relationship. May I get a consensus here?

_____________________________

When speaking of slaves people always tend to ignore this definition "One who is abjectly subservient to a specified person or influence."

(in reply to SarahnNV)

Post #: 14

RE: Giving up friends - 6/14/2009 7:15:12 AM

xBullx

Posts: 4206
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline

Good job Orion,

At least you and Mike had the sense to understand that we seemingly have, at best 10 percent of the story and that 10 percent is tainted by someone that seemed to have an agenda. While this other sub might be in an unhealthy relationship, we can't even begin to be sure about that. Perhaps in the mind of this other subs Dominant the OP was an adverse distraction of one shape or another.

Maybe the Dominant in this senario thought he could remedy some problem and not have to seperate the two girls if they were working side by side, but this other girl wanted to persist in her rabble and not be held accountable by anyone.

Now, we only know for sure by the posters remarks that she has been cut off, the assumption he has cut the other sub off from everyone is made post haste and demonstrates the posibility of bad decision making by some.

I have told ishy (my wench) that she is not allowed communication with some people that were distracting her from my training or ownership objectives, these are choices that every masterly types must, at times choose to incorporate. But ishy is a slave type and her freedoms are determined by me, so perhaps the girlfriend sub type have more control of their affairs. But how are we, armed only with a winkling of infomation qualified, at least at this point to shout about red flags while prescribing our cures for what ails this relationship.

Sounds like a lot of self important horse shit to me.

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(in reply to OrionTheWolf)

Post #: 15

RE: Giving up friends - 6/14/2009 7:21:07 AM

camille65

Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline

My Owner has cut me off from some people. If you asked those people they would all declare themselves my friends.

However those people also have a history of hurting me, or of using me for their own gains.

So while they would say that my Owner acted out of a wrong sort of controlling, he really acted upon my best interests.

I am not saying that it is the same sort of situation with the OP, but it could be. I will say that I am better off without those people in my life. I am happier and healthier. He initially set those boundaries for me but I let him do that without any hesitation. Now I am keeping those boundaries in place of my own choosing.

_____________________________

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(in reply to SarahnNV)

Post #: 16

RE: Giving up friends - 6/14/2009 7:27:42 AM

SassySarijane

Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline

As others have said, there is not enough info given to determine red flags or possible abuse as yet. There could be any number of reasons for this being done.

An ex cut me off from a long standing friendship after he and I had been together about three years. The friendship was a toxic one and this was a friend I had known from a very young age. In time I noticed that things were better without the "friend" in my life.

If you want a more definite answer, you're going to have to give more info than you have, sorry.

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(in reply to xBullx)

Post #: 17

RE: Giving up friends - 6/14/2009 7:27:55 AM

MzMia

Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OrionTheWolf

There is often more to things than what is presented. There would have to be more information about your particular situation, to offer a good and informed opinion. If a Dom or owner is just isolating for no reason, then it may very well be unhealthy. There are reasons to isolate from particular people though. Is it the initial training period? Does this friendship cause drama and more stress in the sub's life? Are you doing things that the Dom has determined is detrimental to the relationship, or to the sub?

Nothing is quite so simple. I have cut a friend out of my properties life, as that friend just brought drama and stress into her life. Every time they spoke, there was always something new that caused problems. Not to mention this friend was always asking my property for money, to give her a ride (though it is a 45 min drive just to this friend's house), and the final straw was talking badly about me and trying to get my property to move away with her to Colorado.

So you see I do not believe that we have enough information to actually say there are red flags, blue flags, green flags or anything other than what you have presented. If it is the absolute truth, then isolating someone from friends causes emotional harm.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SarahnNV

My submissive girlfriend was ordered to not contact me anymore because I would not serve beside her with her new Master. I wonder about a Master who alienates a submissive's friends and family. This seems more like an abusive situation rather than a loving D/s relationship. May I get a consensus here?

After reading your OP a few times, I have to write this.

At the end of the day, the fact that he is demanding that you serve him also, makes me question him!
Who does that?
wtf? is he King Tut?
I think your submissive friend, needs to take off her rainbow shades and look harder at her new Master.
This may not be a long term relationship, hang out, enjoy your life/summer, be there when she calls you in a few months!

< Message edited by MzMia -- 6/14/2009 8:01:43 AM >

_____________________________

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"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

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(in reply to OrionTheWolf)

Post #: 18

RE: Giving up friends - 6/14/2009 8:00:50 AM

SarahnNV

Posts: 25
Joined: 8/16/2008
Status: offline

Thank you all who replied. I appreciate knowing that I am not alone in my opinion and I also appreciate the opinions of the others that differ from mine as it gives me a different perspective on what he might be thinking. She and I have been friends for years and this was yet another bond we shared, so this hurts my heart that I cannot continue my friendship with her because I do not choose him as my Master. He has alienated her from other friends, both vanilla and in D/s, but not her close ones. At least not until now. Oh, and for the record, no, we don't do drugs *smiling*

(in reply to MzMia)

Post #: 19

RE: Giving up friends - 6/14/2009 8:05:20 AM

MzMia

Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SarahnNV

Thank you all who replied. I appreciate knowing that I am not alone in my opinion and I also appreciate the opinions of the others that differ from mine as it gives me a different perspective on what he might be thinking. She and I have been friends for years and this was yet another bond we shared, so this hurts my heart that I cannot continue my friendship with her because I do not choose him as my Master. He has alienated her from other friends, both vanilla and in D/s, but not her close ones. At least not until now. Oh, and for the record, no, we don't do drugs *smiling*

Sarah, I have been listening to a lot of classic rock, lately.
{Arizona}, lol
You don't have to take drugs to wear rainbow shades!
You sound like a real and true friend.
Be there for her, when she stops drinking the kool aid, takes off her rainbow shades and wakes up!

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to SarahnNV)

Post #: 20

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