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when it's over.... - 6/14/2009 9:14:21 AM   
LilMichele


Posts: 65
Joined: 6/13/2009
Status: offline 		Good afternoon, my name is Michele, I’m forcing the M I so badly want to type michele but …..well if you’ve read my profile you know what I’m doing here on CM.  So here’s my question/situation in an essay….you may want get a snack or something it may be long.

I was owned in an on line capacity.  It was my first experience with this sort of thing, I loved it, it changed me in ways I couldn’t have imagined and I wouldn’t trade it all for anything.  I had such high hopes that it would become an off line commitment eventually.  A physical one, believe me it was every other kind of commitment for me the only obstacle was distance.  However, it ended.  I’m having a very hard time moving past it, and I’ve said to friends (vanilla that do not understand this at all) that this feels like a mental illness that this Man is still on my mind every single day.  They of course tell me how silly I am to go on line to find someone when it “shouldn’t be that hard” for me to find a man and that’s when I bite my tongue and hold back the lecture on the glaring lack of actual Men in this world.  They mean well, I just don’t think they understand.

To this day five months later I still conduct myself in a manner that I think would make Him proud.  In how I dress, how I speak, the way I work, keep my house, deal with my ums ….breathe move eat and sleep.  At night I’m actually kneeling at the end of the bed and meditating on my day before I go to sleep, and yes thinking of him and hoping that whatever He’s doing He’s happy.  I will not admit to how often I am still crying.  Now I am starting to wonder if I have become mentally ill.  Maybe it’s because I’m trying to do this alone without friends to lean on that I can’t move on.  I also have this recurring thought that if He didn’t want me, the one I called…call…Master, then who would I be good enough for?

In the interest of fairness I’ll try to explain His side as best I can without going into great detail and as I now realize, as best I understand.  Truthfully I don’t know if I completely understand.  His life basically blew up, there was a great deal of personal and professional loss and I believe it caused a deep depression.  With what happened I don’t know how it couldn’t.  He actually used the words “don’t deserve a girl such as you” and “quit being such a damn good girl”.  My reaction to that was to email him once a week to let him know I cannot abandon him, money and things don’t mean anything to me but people do, etc etc.  In retrospect – a stupid idea.  Too bad it took me five months to realize it was a bad idea.  My motivation was to let him know he wasn’t alone, but yes I hoped he would answer me.  He hasn’t, He probably won’t, and it’s very hard for me to just give up on someone, especially someone I care about so very much that is hurting but I guess it’s what he wants.  There were a couple of very desperate chick-y “please talk to me” emails in there that I regret but hey, I’m only human and I apologized for them in the next weekly email (sounds of coo coo clock chimes). 

So now I’m scared to try again.  I want that feeling again, that fire to make Him smile, the feeling of being cherished for who I am and I want it in my real life not the on line stuff.  I know that everyone is different.  No two people are alike, no two men, no two Masters, no two slaves, no two relationships and on and on.  But is this what it’s like?  When bad things happen do many Masters just think they have to handle it all on their own and push the people that love them, the people that would never in a thousand years turn their back on them - away?  When do I stop being loyal to someone that did that?  I feel like I have to say I am not angry with Him, I forgave Him because I understand depression…but I think what He did was wrong.   

What did you do if you’ve been in this situation?  How do I get over it and move on?  How do I stop being such “a damn good girl”?  I know that I won’t commit myself to anyone until the day comes that I’m not thinking of him every single day, so at least in that I’m not stupid, right?  Has anyone gone through this mess? 

Thank you for reading this long post, it seems I really haven’t talked to anyone in depth about this if I wrote this much.

m
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: when it's over.... - 6/14/2009 9:45:39 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Michele, you are a submissive.  You might even be a slave.  The idea of submitting and giving yourself over is so strong that you did it for five months after he checked out.

You're still in this relationship, even though you;re the only person left in it.

The only thing that you REALLY know about him leaving an online relationship is that he wanted out.  It could be that he lost his job and felt that he had to focus on himself and did not have the bandwidth to worry about a sub as well. Or it could be that his wife nagged him about the time he spent online, and he made up a story for you.

Instead of thinking about continuing to serve him, I suggest that you think of what you're doing as keeping your subbiness strong so that you're more prepared to serve your next master.

You're actually doing well.  You're taking care of yourself, and taking time.  Keep it up, and when you're ready for another relationship, you'll be able to get another.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to LilMichele)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: when it's over.... - 6/14/2009 1:10:22 PM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		As I've noted once recently and am going to note again, I appreciate Dark Steven's positive and helpful thoughts to people and I think that what he said to you, Michelle, has a lot of veracity. 
We love, care, serve, whatever words we believe are applicable in our own ways and when it is over, we all mourn differently. 
If service is a part of who you are, hold firm to that and keep yourself in as good a place as possible so that you can serve yourself and your ums and the next person with whom you share your life.  Moving forward doesn't wash away what has come before. 
As for mentally ill, depression is common and if you feel you need professional help, you should seek it.  There are kink aware professionals (Search the NCSF site). 
Best wishes, 
  Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: when it's over.... - 6/14/2009 1:52:48 PM   
KneelforAnne


Posts: 1011
Joined: 6/14/2006
Status: offline
Hello,

You have c-mail.... ;)

~anne

_____________________________

~Posting now as ForgetMeKnots~

BDSM is what two people at the moment decide it should be...
--CatdeMedici

Member of the Subbie Mafia
Pimpette
Member of MoGa's IN crowd

(in reply to DavanKael)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: when it's over.... - 6/14/2009 1:58:13 PM   
LilMichele


Posts: 65
Joined: 6/13/2009
Status: offline 		Thank you, DarkSteven, for pointing something out that i missed - that i am still in the relationship He left.  That might explain this all alone feeling that's been drivin' me nuts!  I hadn't thought of it that way, but you are SO right!

I do have to say that one thing you said made me chuckle.  To think of it as "keeping my subbiness strong".  I seriously don't think my 'subbiness' could ever get weak or less or diminish in any way.  It's just me, it's not something i practice or concentrate on, even if i never put a word or title to who or what i am - i would still love taking care of other people and seeing peoples faces light up in the little things that i do for them...and the big ones.  The trick is not to be a shmuck about it and act like a doormat.  (For the record i did not just insinuate that submissiveness is a gift - i hate that line too!)  But i will keep doing the little rituals and chores and things that made me feel useful, i'll just do them for me and try to think less of doing it for Him i guess.



(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: when it's over.... - 6/14/2009 2:04:42 PM   
janiebelle


Posts: 332
Joined: 4/29/2009
Status: offline 		Michele,
You seem like a bright girl who just had her heart broken by an online relationship that obviously meant more to you than it did to him.
Don't spend one more day thinking that in this full and fancy world there is only one way to be happy.  Maybe you can't have that relationship, but you can still have a good relationship.
j

(in reply to KneelforAnne)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: when it's over.... - 6/14/2009 5:53:26 PM   
Zechriel


Posts: 308
Joined: 11/19/2007
Status: offline 		Good evening!
I go thru this quote often but in vanilla relationships....giving my all and everything to people only to get tramped on or abandoned. You have to realize that you may have done your best. You gave everything you could, You did not compromise yourself. The fault may not be yours. ::Now take a deep breath::: THEY messed up,THEY did not realize what they had, THEY left like a coward. THEY may be at fault. And hearing this you realize that you are the better person (even if only for this situation) And you go on about life one day ata  time. And I really mean that, sometimes I have had to actually go from wakingup in the morning to going to bed at night. Just getting thru that one day and not worrying about tomorrow. The pain hurts so bad, twice I had to go from waking to nap time to dinner to bedtime. Baby steps can be your best friend. Eventually you cry less, concentrate more, and maybe smile a bit more. Only later will you be able to step back and see the good and bad about this relationship and see how it actually made you stronger/better.  Hope that helps. Good luck!
Love,
Zechriel 


_____________________________

Sir HighlanderME's little z

(in reply to janiebelle)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: when it's over.... - 6/14/2009 7:55:31 PM   
LilMichele


Posts: 65
Joined: 6/13/2009
Status: offline 		Thank you all so very much for your words of encouragement .
Thank you to everyone that has c-mailed me today, the ones that have responded to my questions, and the ones that made me laugh.
I feel better today about this whole mess than I have in a long time and I think I'll sleep well tonight, mostly from the massive headache I've given myself with all the reading I've done on this darn computer screen.  Or maybe I will sleep well because i realize i'm not so alone
...nah it must be the eye strain.




< Message edited by LilMichele -- 6/14/2009 7:57:35 PM >

(in reply to Zechriel)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: when it's over.... - 6/16/2009 2:08:08 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		Hi Michele, it sounds like you got lost too deep in this game...cyber is very very nice but when you get lost in it and your partner disappears it hurts, just like the real thing... i know.

If you want to continue cyber, the best thing to get Him out of your system is to do one or a few one-of cyber sex sessions...just like one night stands after a failed romance it might lift you up, some people are really hot at it...
It is as in real life not easy to find a good long term partner...

If you are looking for real time i suggest not to get too deep into any cyber fling at all and arrange a meeting pretty quickly after the usual introduction kinda chat or email.

Good luck

(in reply to LilMichele)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: when it's over.... - 6/16/2009 9:41:50 AM   
LilMichele


Posts: 65
Joined: 6/13/2009
Status: offline 		Hmm....you know this wasn't just "cyber" for me.   I was not logging on every day to eat potato chips and type back some immaginary sexual act in response to his removing my pretend panties while he balanced his checkbook.  I'm not saying I'm above doing it, it's just not high on my list of things to do on a Friday night.  Our relationship was built on hours of conversations about the big and little things in life and I don't believe that on line frienships or even relationships are any less real than the ones I have with people i can sit accross the table from.  They're different, sure!  Some lead to real connections, some do not, certainly some can be unhealthy, this one was not. 

Running out and fucking someone to try and get over someone else never works in 'real' life.  In fact I just cry the whole way home wondering what I just did, what I was thinking, and how exactly my pussy is attached to my heart that made me think that would help me 'get over' something I lost.  I like the meaningless sex to actually have NO meaning, rebound sex has a meaning.  Maybe it works for some people - it's not for me.

I thank you for your concern about me getting too deep into the cyber-y type stuff, I understand it can happen, but I am a firm believer in moderation in all things.  The internet has its place, I've made some great friends on line and learned many things, but to really enjoy what i've learned and enjoy the friendships and life in general, i log off.


m

(in reply to ranja)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: when it's over.... - 6/16/2009 1:03:12 PM   
fudgesub


Posts: 5
Joined: 2/14/2009
Status: offline 		Dear Michelle,

this happened to me too. I wasnt sure if it was just my ex playing tricks on me. But it is not nice when it happens.

I like to still have online Dommes but the trust has been broken now, so that I dont put in 100%.

Time will heal you and you can learn from your time.

lol

(in reply to LilMichele)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: when it's over.... - 6/16/2009 4:25:12 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

you know this wasn't just "cyber" for me.


See, Michele, it was. And when you say you are still in the relationship he left, you're not. You were never in a relationship with him, the hallmark of cyber-relationships is that one manipulates the other. Some people are really good at it. It happened, alright, but it happened in your head. And that is why it is still happening to you. You always had to fill in the blanks, you must understand and accept that something like 60 to 70% of human communication is non-verbal. For you to be in what you call a relationship, your mind must fill in the 60 to 70% of communication with "him" you're not getting.

And, amazingly, people do. When deprived of the normal input of another human, people will make it up in their minds. This happens even to people in solitary confinement, who make up 98% on the basis of brief interactions with guards. And that is what you've been doing.

You have been manipulated very very professionally, I would say, the internet has spawned two generations of people who are able to do this, and you now need to figure out why you are so addicted to what is basically abuse, and how you can pull out and away from it. Your giving his side of the story is typical of the Stockholm syndrome, read up on the science behind that and you will see parallels to your own experience.

It was just and only cyber, and the sooner you can convince yourself of this, the better it is. For as long as you say "you know this wasn't just "cyber" for me", you are heading for the next one.

(in reply to LilMichele)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: when it's over.... - 6/16/2009 4:40:36 PM   
sweetgirlserves


Posts: 373
Joined: 4/14/2009
Status: offline 		Did you ever speak with him on the phone?

_____________________________

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." ~Maya Angelou

(in reply to LilMichele)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: when it's over.... - 6/16/2009 4:47:41 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LilMichele

Thank you, DarkSteven, for pointing something out that i missed - that i am still in the relationship He left. 
Yes, you're still in the relationship that wasn't really a relationship. Even if it were a real time relationship, I'd tell you that still living within it is unheathly

quote:

ORIGINAL: LilMichele
Our relationship was built on hours of conversations about the big and little things in life and I don't believe that on line frienships or even relationships are any less real than the ones I have with people i can sit accross the table from. 
Yes, they are less. The person you're talking to is a stranger, regardless of how many hours you've spent talking on the phone or online. Until, you've sat across the table from that person and have seen how they operate in their everyday life....they're still a stranger.

It's time for you to move on.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to LilMichele)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: when it's over.... - 6/16/2009 7:16:47 PM   
Rhembein


Posts: 136
Joined: 6/8/2009
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		Michele love, I could have written your post. C-Mailing you in just a moment.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: when it's over.... - 6/17/2009 2:50:05 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		Thank you antipode, i see it this way...and how i like to be abused so...

Michele...really you do not have to eat potato chips in order to do 'cyber' it is better if you allow yourself to get into it like you did...but now you have to deal with the fall out, just be warned for next time...

Also the sooner you stop your rituals, the sooner you get yourself back...
Only if one of these rituals is something you really really like to continue just for yourself...
i still wear an apron as instructed by a Cyber Man when i do my kitchenwork... He actually told me to stop all our rituals when He 'released' me... He said He would find it somehow disrespectful to Him if i would continue to do His bidding after He had released me...but i just love the aprons...so there...

Good luck

(in reply to antipode)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: when it's over.... - 6/18/2009 7:00:44 AM   
Rainfire


Posts: 4047
Joined: 1/5/2009
Status: offline 		I may have a slightly different view here but a relationship is in the eye of the beholder. If you and he believed you had a relationship, then you did. However, I'm wondering if it meant more to you than him at this point. I used to hang out online and am quite familiar with what goes on there. A lot of people just say either what they think the other person wants to hear (no, honey, really, I'm not married) to saying anything to get what they want. (This goes for both side of the kneel, not just dominants.) OP, you mention that you had hopes it would go real time; was this just a hope of yours or something was said between the two of you? Sadly, a number of people online have no intention of taking it further than online yet some will say that they're looking for real time just to keep a person going or get what they want. Been there, done that, don't want the t-shirt, y'know? Feel free to cmail me and I can share the story. :)

I like ranja's advice. Stop the rituals. You did them for him and if it's been months, obviously you're not going to hear from the person again. Live for yourself, make yourself proud, do things YOU want to do, if you would watch a show for him - read a book. Or change the channel. If you have your nails done and you would get solid colours to please him; get a fabulous colourful airbrush design. Or vice-versa. Go wild and explore yourself at this time. Get to know yourself again, what YOU like, what you don't like (I used to watch NBA games to please an old master and I've never been a basketball fan, now hockey and football are a totally different story however!) If you enjoy spending time online, come hang out on the boards and get to know people. Don't "look" for a relationship, let one come to you when you're ready.  Since you're relatively new to CM in this incarnation as I understand it, don't let the "BOW DOWN, BITCH AND SUCK MY COCK" cmails get to you. Feel free to block and delete. Likewise there's a lot of trolls who prey on new people and send mass emails to them.

Take some time for yourself, not him. He's obviously moved on and now it's time for you to move on as well. When you least expect it, or flat out aren't looking, you'll find the one for you. There are a number of happy success stories here on CM, including myself and Daddy. However, neither of us were looking for someone, I joined CM just for the forums. There's a lot of fun happening down in Polls & Other Random Stupidity, come down and get to know people.  Look for local groups in your area, your profile says "Florida" but not where in Florida. There are some pretty lively groups down there and a lot of great people here are from Florida. Or if you meet someone online and want to go real-time, make that clear and set a timeline out. Say, meet within 3 months or whatever you're comfortable with. If someone consistently dodges you on meeting, then you know something is fishy. Most commonly online it's because they're already married to an unknowing spouse. Decide what you want and don't believe it when a supposed-dominant tells you you really want something else because he or she says so.

Good luck and feel free to cmail me anytime.


_____________________________

"I have sold my soul to the devil for You, will You still love me when I am soiled, stained and souless in my love for You?
Or is this the beginning of the end?"
Proud member of the Clan Scarlett O'Hair

(in reply to ranja)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: when it's over.... - 6/18/2009 10:56:08 AM   
seika


Posts: 3
Joined: 6/18/2009
Status: offline 		It gets a lot easier, when you realize you're not alone and you have options, there are people out there and although one door shut, 4 more that you might have overlooked, just opened.  I went through the ending of a relationship, and although it was tough at the time, it was absolutely the best thing in hindsight.  Ending it means you both get to look for what it is you really want, and believe it or not, you don't want him.  You want someone that will value you enough to want you back.  

(in reply to Rainfire)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: when it's over.... - 6/22/2009 9:43:54 PM   
LilMichele


Posts: 65
Joined: 6/13/2009
Status: offline 		Thank you all very much, your insight and ideas have helped so much.  If anyone was wondering, I’m doing ok!  I never did rituals…I’ve re-read my post and I can see how some would think I did but what I said was that I ‘conduct myself in a manner that would make him proud’.  The kneeling at the end of the bed thing, that was my idea, something I came up with, something I stopped doing.  Now I lie in bed and let the day race through my brain and ask what I could have done better, etc etc….baby steps.  That will stop soon enough.  Maybe if I get someone in the bed…no wait that would be rebound sex and I got all high and mighty about that earlier didn’t I.  

So…this week…I did whatever the hell I wanted to do.  I stayed up too late, I ate McDonalds because it’s bad for me, I wore jeans, a tshirt, and sneakers every single freaking day, and left the house with no makeup on (won’t do that again, turns out I don’t like that).  I asked some guy at Wendy’s to pay for my lunch (caught him looking at my ass) – and he did!  Then I left.  Baby steps, I didn’t really want his number I just wanted to see if he’d do it.

The best line of them all (thank you DarkSteven) was that I was still in a relationship and I was the only one in it.  When I start to get upset, I remind myself of that.  What an incredible waste of time.  I’ll still use the internet as ONE way to get to know people, I mean where else can I wear a big muddy face mask and tooth whitening strips while speaking to a few eligible candidates for rebound sex?  But if someone lights that spark again, if there’s a mutual interest, there will need to be a face to face meeting or there will be nothing more. 

Not yet though, I’m having a little too much fun doing whatever the heck I want right now.



michele.

(edited for horrendous spelling)

< Message edited by LilMichele -- 6/22/2009 9:44:57 PM >

(in reply to seika)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: when it's over.... - 6/22/2009 9:58:40 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Michele, you're sounding a lot better.  Good for you..

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to LilMichele)
Profile   Post #: 20
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