RE: Have a situation that I don't know what to do with (Full Version)

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SailingBum -> RE: Have a situation that I don't know what to do with (6/16/2009 9:01:45 PM)

You asked if you were a complete and utter moron.  The short answer is yep yer a dolt... However not for the reason you think.  Basically you ignored him for a number of years and now you realize you still love him...  The mistress is a symptom not the cause. 

See if you didnt still care for him everthing would be fine, have fun with the new toy, divorce me we both move on.  All things being equal ...your mistake was takin advantage of the relationship prior to the mistress.

BadOne



jeninvegas -> RE: Have a situation that I don't know what to do with (6/16/2009 9:20:31 PM)

Hard to admit when a relationship is over but it seems to be that way.  Sorry for your circumstances.



DavanKael -> RE: Have a situation that I don't know what to do with (6/16/2009 9:29:17 PM)

I'm not really 100% sure I want to be replying because I'm not feeling the most emotionally tolerant at the moment but a person's asking for help and has really quite the situation going on.  Uuuuuuggggghhhhh! 
I haven't read all of the replies. 
Grown-up time. 
There are kids involved.  That part's most concerning to me because they are the most truly innocent victims.  Think about damage control beginning with protecting them. 
Lying to the third party isn't going to reduce the drama of how this plays out most likely, nor does it speak well to treating her as anything more than, well, a thing.  Not judging, stating. 
I don't tend to get hopped up when I hear about someone trying to self-harm (Worked in-patient with a bunch of borderlines for a couple of years; I was stoic even before that.  Now, I'm just generally going to wonder how superficial the damage is while looking the most gnarly...if a person's not serious).  Let's be clear: self-harming as an attention-seeking behavior is not appropriate communication. 
I don't know that the husband is totally focused on the new girl to the point of not caring or he's seen the dramatics one too many times for them to get a rise out of him so, on that point, I am not willing to say he's a dick. 
What I am willing to say is that this is a mess. 
Somewhere along the way, your marriage went to crap.  You both have culpabilities there.  Okay.  So, what are you going to do about it?  If it's going to get better, you both are going to have to work on it. 
I'm going to say something that is probably going to be pretty unpopular but it never ceases to appall me when people aren't willing to explore each others' interests as spouses.  I mean, if two people are supposed to love each other and are committed until death do us part, what exactly is the damage of trying to find some sort of mutual footing regarding interests?! 
So, what do I, in an admittedly short-tempered frame ofmind have to say on this? 
1)  Protect those kids from the follies of adults as much as you can
2)  Have a sit down and figure out if you two really want to save your marriage and if you do, do everything you can do to make that so
3)  Let the other female know what is going on and be decent toward her
Best wishes, 
  Davan



LadyLetalis -> RE: Have a situation that I don't know what to do with (6/16/2009 9:33:14 PM)

She says her husband is the Dominant. A good Dominant never hurts or lies to their sub. This man is doing both. More likely, he's using this as an excuse to go screw around. The wife (sub) feels she has to take this because they are very losely involved in a D/s relationship and so obviously does not know what her husband is doing has nothing to do with the D/s relationship. The "other" sub is being lied to. This is really a matter of morality not the D/s relationship.



subangi -> RE: Have a situation that I don't know what to do with (6/16/2009 9:46:05 PM)

No contact since he left should tell you where his heart is.
Its sad you threw the wild card and seem not to be coming up a winner. 
I wonder if at this time  you tell him how jealous and hurt you feel, if it might make him feel in a solid foundation of still stringing you along and having his new toy.
I think if it were me,  I would tell him I love him, but if he wants to continue this dishonest charade with this other woman, then maybe its time to go  separate ways or work on being together.  Be strong...show him how worth it you are, and if he doesnt want to work on things and forget the toy, then you have enough positive attitude to move on ...because you are worth more!!! 



Danibelle -> RE: Have a situation that I don't know what to do with (6/16/2009 9:50:18 PM)

I, personally, do not think you should simply end your relationship at this point, based on what you've mentioned.  Being upset is not a reason to end your marriage.

Your husband came to you instead of going behind your back.  He looked for your approval and your permission.  He also asked you how you felt when he came back from the first visit and if it was okay to see his new partner again.  His communication seems pretty decent and there's no reason to fault him.  Should he tell the other woman?  Probably.  As far as I am concerned, relationships are NOT exclusive the minute you start seeing someone.  I doubt very much that they're talking about marriage and anyone in a relationship with more than one person can tell you people are capable of loving more than one person at the same time.  Love is endless.

What I DO suggest is thinking long and hard about what you want and need from your husband in order for you to be happy.  That may be setting up ground rules.  It may be a continuation of what's going on.  It may be ending his relationship with the other woman.  Think about what you need and want.  Then tell him.  No matter what that answer is you need to talk to him about what's going on inside your head and your heart.

I just read this great book called Opening Up by Tristan Taormino.  If you decide to stay with him, I strongly recommend reading it.  It talks about several different relationship styles as well as telling the stories of many different people and their relationships.  It also gives excellent advice and a great list of resources.



heartbound -> RE: Have a situation that I don't know what to do with (6/16/2009 9:58:05 PM)

I am currently married to someone who is "vanilla" and I have a D/s relationship with a Mistress.  I know people have shared their opinions, but I think that the only right answer is what works for you.  With that being said, I wanted to tell you a bit about my arrangement in hopes that it gives you some understanding.

When my husband and I were married, neither of us had ever been in a D/s type of relationship.  We were both "vanilla", but the D/s was something that I deeply craved.  I had done a lot of reading about bdsm, but the more I learned, the more I craved that type of dynamic with someone.  He and I tried the D/s together, but it just didn't push my buttons.  It was not  something that turned him on, and the dynamic between him and I just did not seem real. 

The need I had within me was still there and I continued to look for ways to satisfy that need.  I finally got the courage to go to one of the bdsm clubs and met some people in commmunity.  In the past ten years, I have had several "play partners" and have been in two committed D/s relationships.  My current Mistress I have been with for almost 3 years.  However, I am still happily married. 

But here is what it boils down to....I have a need for D/s.  After too much time without it, the need becomes greater and sometimes consuming.  The fact that my husband cannot meet that need is something we have both agreed upon.  The fact that he lets me have a relationship outside of my marriage makes me love him even more than I thought possible.  I still find it so amazing that my husband loves me enough to set aside his feelings of insecurity to allow me to meet my needs.  That has made our relationship stronger and my commitment to him even more solid. 

There have been times when my husband has felt insecure and jealous.  And I think that anyone in his (or your) position would feel that way.  But I don't think that your husband's D/s needs are  a commentary on your marriage.  It doesn't mean you have a bad marriage, or that he wants to leave you for someone else.  He simply has some needs that you can't provide for him.  He seems to respect you and wantes to share those needs with you. 

I have often tried to figure out why I need the D/s and why I can't simply ignore those desires.  I certainly have my theories, but I still can't explain it or fully understand it.  If my husband told me to choose between an intimate relationship with him or an intimate relationship with my Mistress, I would have to choose my marriage.  However, I know he would never do that to me.  He loves me so much that he wants me to get what I need.  I do know that I would continue to have a driving need for the D/s no matter what choice I had to make.

You should think about what you are willing and able to do to allow your husband to have those needs met.  My husband and I always had rules we had agreed upon and I never crossed those boundaries.  You may find that you are ok certain ideas and not ok with others.  Communication is really important when you have this type of dynamic within your relationship. 

I don't condone your husband not telling his Domme/Mistress about you and your children.  I believe that honesty is necessary in every relationship whether a marriage or a D/s relationship.  My Mistress was always aware of my life situations (marriage, children, job, etc.) even from the very beginning of when we first met.  Your husband is still your spouse and he should have some  responsibility to you.  What if you were in a car accident or one of your kids disappeared?  Is it fair that you have no idea how to get in touch with him?  Is it fair that you worry because you never hear from him after he leaves?  Those issues bother me and it is not something I would be willing to tolerate.

Anyways, I hope this helps.  If you would like to chat further, let me know.

-heartbound    



ranja -> RE: Have a situation that I don't know what to do with (6/17/2009 2:04:13 AM)

I am submissive with on-line contacts, my Husband is Dominant and has no interest in even reading my e-mails unfortunately, still He is very much getting benefits of me exploring and playing around in cyber space...first He did not know about it...it was a thrilling scret i was somewhat ashamed of...but He knows now... and accepts it...He would however never stand for me arraging for real time meets, also i would never string another innocent party along...i much prefer to be upfront.
I find it very sexy that your husband has involved you in his sexual desires like he has done...i think maybe he is taking it too far by actually going to see this woman for real...i also do not like it that she might have the idea that he could be more to her...
And now you are suffering jealousy...i don't think that is bad necessarily...i like to suffer jealousy sometimes...i also like to hurt myself sometimes...i also take pleasure in crying at times. Just make sure you don't over do it and become a pathetic mess.
You might be submissive but you still can put your foot down on things...if you don't want him to see her anymore tell him and if he ignores you then tell her who you are...(carefully...us ladies should have feeling for eachother) If you want your husband to do with you what he would like to do to the other woman...why don't you offer him yourself like that and tell him that this is where you draw the line?

I would advise you not to throw away 13 years and break up your family especially since you discovered your flame again...sorting this out might be far more rewarding than killing it.



LadyPact -> RE: Have a situation that I don't know what to do with (6/17/2009 4:33:00 AM)

I just had to come back to this thread.  A quick side note to Jewel.  As always, you are far too kind in your remarks.  Thank you.

This past weekend, I was at SELF (Southeast Leather Fest).  One of the best seminars given was presented by Mistress Musette (she has a profile here) and her guest Purple Haze.  The class was called "Who's On Top" and it was geared toward D/D couples but it also had a lot of helpful information for those in open or poly relationships.  The reason that I bring this up is because it echos one thing that I'm reading in a lot of the replies.

Power dynamics aside, what you have at home with your husband, OP, should be equality based in some form.  If you are going to be part of an open relationship, that door shouldn't swing only one way.  Part of what your husband is experiencing is the influx of new relationship energy.  Now I have to ask you, where is yours?  Are you also permitted to seek that out if he is allowed to do so?  Is that something you might want?

One thing that has worked for MP and Myself is that we have both agreed on the 'what's good for the goose is good for the gander' rule.  In other words, if I have a sub, he is also permitted to have a sub.  If I'm allowed play partners, so is he.  Whatever limitations we have, they are in place for both parties.  Now, in our relationship, each person has to cultivate that on their own, but you may wish to do that differently.  There are all kinds of things that work in different ways for different people.

Also, I have to come back to something that is disturbing Me about this post.  That is lack of contact.  No, it doesn't happen every day, but if there were an emergency, how would you handle it?  Heaven forbid that something terrible would arise, but you need to have a plan in place.  While My sub's wife and I do not talk quite as often as I would like, I do know how to reach her and she has the same ability with Me.  I think that is something that you should be able to do as well.



DarkSteven -> RE: Have a situation that I don't know what to do with (6/17/2009 4:36:20 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: subangi

I wonder if at this time  you tell him how jealous and hurt you feel, if it might make him feel in a solid foundation of still stringing you along and having his new toy.



I'd be very careful with doing this.  The other woman is an exciting fantasy right now.  I know that when my own marriage was in trouble and my ex tried to tell me that I had responsibilities to her while my own needs remained unmet, it just pushed me further away from her.

I think that OP really wants to have her marriage back.  As such, if she can hang on until the other woman loses her luster, especially after she kicks the lying cheater in the nads when she finds out he's married, OP will be in a better place to reclaim him.



agirl -> RE: Have a situation that I don't know what to do with (6/17/2009 6:41:06 AM)

I haven't read other responses, so excuse if I replicate any of them.

Both of you contributed to this messy and painful situation and the only way forward that I can see is if BOTH of you REALLY want to make it better.

He has already asked you if you want him to end the other relationship and you declined. You *allowed* him to have his new *feeling of being alive* with someone else, and the issue of how *innocent* she is, and whether it's *fair* to her or not, has nothing to do with it. Perhaps you thought that by being magnanimous about it, he wouldn't sulk or be miffed with YOU for insisting. Perhaps you didn't want to be dog-in-the-manger about it, as in, '' you weren't THAT interested in him, he found something else and now you don't like it''.

Whatever your thinking, reasoning or feelings were at the time..you NOW don't feel that way. It's not working for ONE of you, and despite him *spending more time with you*,  that's not addressing the problem...which is, you don't want to share him and his time with another woman. You weren't REALLY *on board*, is my guess.
Maybe in the future you could/would change your marriage and the way it works, but it'd have to be done with you both knowing what you were getting into, for it to have a chance of success.........not as a result of having lost contact with each other, boredom or generally *not thinking it through*.

I know you've said that you were fully informed of all that goes on between them, listening to calls, mails, reading texts etc .....but you see, that partly made it an *us* thing (albeit a bit screwy)........... You could feel part of it all the time he's sat at home with you. When he trundles off to do his thing with her and you're no longer party to it , able to have any imput or control........that's when the full impact hits you. You're NOT included but you are certainly giving a lot of signs of encouragement.

I'm not sure that you can *sort* anything out with a third party in the wings, it'll be too much of a distraction from the main issue for you both, as has been proven already. He's unlikely to dump a situation where HE'S finding a thrill, excitement, interest etc.....for the risk of returning to the dreary nature of what you both had before.

You gave him his wings ..........and he flew. You could try asking him to help you find wings for yourself, to give you the same support and encouragement, but as your focus is firmly on him at the moment, I doubt you'd want to, and in all likelihood, it'll probably spell the *end of life as you know it*.

I never give advice.....but I have an aquaintance that found himself in this position and it was a HUGE slap in the face and a *wake-up-call* as to how much he really wanted to keep his marriage. The pity of it was, that by this time, his wife didn't. It wasn't as convoluted as your situation , but the nuts and bolts were the same. The best that came out of it was that they both became better FOR  and TO each other and better to themselves, in their eyes. Oh, and they are still together but it's not the same *together*.

agirl











antipode -> RE: Have a situation that I don't know what to do with (6/17/2009 6:47:26 AM)

quote:

The other woman is an exciting fantasy right now


She isn't. He actually has it going on with her (I love Americanisms) and she may not care whether he is married or not, she has him, the OP does not, she is sitting at home making things up in her head while doing the laundry.

My golden rule: more than one "if", it ain't going to happen, whatever it was.



agirl -> RE: Have a situation that I don't know what to do with (6/17/2009 6:54:25 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

quote:

The other woman is an exciting fantasy right now


She isn't. He actually has it going on with her (I love Americanisms) and she may not care whether he is married or not, she has him, the OP does not, she is sitting at home making things up in her head while doing the laundry.

My golden rule: more than one "if", it ain't going to happen, whatever it was.



I agree. She's very much a reality. And while it might be bearable when you're part of it, listening in, and having the feeling of being included..the reality of being left out, left behind and excluded is very much there, however it occured.

agirl



Whiplashsmile4 -> RE: Have a situation that I don't know what to do with (6/17/2009 7:21:07 AM)

While it's difficult to give you advice one way or another in terms of what to do.

I don't understand how you think or felt it would be unfair to her, if he had ended things between them a few months ago when he asked you.

If anything he is not being honest and fair to her, because she does not know he's married and has two kids. This girl (submissive) in question might few awful to discover the truth. Not everybody into this lifestyle is PRO Cheating, or is into Poly(whatever) or multiple relationships.



subangi -> RE: Have a situation that I don't know what to do with (6/17/2009 8:06:54 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

quote:

ORIGINAL: subangi

I wonder if at this time  you tell him how jealous and hurt you feel, if it might make him feel in a solid foundation of still stringing you along and having his new toy.



I'd be very careful with doing this.  The other woman is an exciting fantasy right now.  I know that when my own marriage was in trouble and my ex tried to tell me that I had responsibilities to her while my own needs remained unmet, it just pushed me further away from her.

I think that OP really wants to have her marriage back.  As such, if she can hang on until the other woman loses her luster, especially after she kicks the lying cheater in the nads when she finds out he's married, OP will be in a better place to reclaim him.

Ok,  it was late at night, and I think i didnt word it right.  I believe we are saying the same thing.  I  had said I wondered if she did communicate those feelings that it would push him away.  I was reading the other posts which mentioned to communicate her feelings.  
Same thing....different wording....and as usual, I love your gentle approach and always encouraging words.



Viridana -> RE: Have a situation that I don't know what to do with (6/17/2009 10:30:03 AM)

OP, you've gotten a lot of good advice on this thread and some who, In my mind, are not as good.

To me, I don't think it's all that important to waste time and energy in placing blame for the situation. It is what it is. The question really now is, how do you guys fix it? and do you guys want to fix it?

In my mind you both need to take a step back. You both need couples councelling and he needs to break it off with this girl while you sort through your own dilemma.

I wish you luck with whatever you decide to do.



sleazybutterfly -> RE: Have a situation that I don't know what to do with (6/17/2009 11:03:16 AM)

I know this won't be popular, but shame on you and him for dragging this other person into whatever it is you have going on.

You are both willingly went into this, she didn't.  Any person knows that as subs, most of us give a deep part of ourselves to whom we serve.  Here this woman is giving herself that way to someone that is not only married, but dishonest with her about it.  She isn't getting what she deserves, he is getting what he wants, and you are just sitting by watching all of it play out.

Things have a way of biting us in the ass.  You sat there with him while he talked to her for cryinoutloud, you said it was fine he played with her, you gave your permission for him to be deceiving to someone else.  Then you are shocked when it doesn't all work out?

I have to honestly say I don't really feel sorry for you.  I feel more for her when all of this blows up in her face and she finds out exactly how she has been used by him and in some way, you.

Shame on both of you, honestly.





sweetgirlserves -> RE: Have a situation that I don't know what to do with (6/17/2009 1:49:12 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: scarlethiney

quote:

littlewonder...
stop sounding so pathetic.


sweetgirlserves, might want to re-read that Mother Teresa quote on your profile and have someone explain to you what loving kindness means.




I suppose you would think it much more loving and kind to encourage her to maintain a victim mentality.   Personally, although tough love is not easy... it can be the most loving and kind thing a person can do for another.   Pity is the worse thing you can do for a person.   Nothing will bring them down more than that. 

~sgs



Toppingfrmbottom -> RE: Have a situation that I don't know what to do with (6/17/2009 2:08:46 PM)

He was however NOT honest with the other women, she has no clue he's married and has kid. So he certainly is a liar, but I agree he's not a cheat.
quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetgirlserves


Well... he's not a lying, cheating... etc.   He was honest and upfront with you.
~sgs




dreamerdreaming -> RE: Have a situation that I don't know what to do with (6/17/2009 3:21:48 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

quote:

i assumed this forum would be appropriate for this situation because it does involve BDSM, D/s, and alternate lifestyles.


No, you're not an idiot, you did what you had to do to keep the family in one piece. Had you come here when this began happening I'd have told you your marriage was over, then, and you'd have tried anyway.

Pull up your vanilla socks, make nice to hubby, gather evidence for court, find a lawyer, make a clean break. If you need to, find a support group and make some friends there.

And please: this has nothing to do with BDSM, D/s, and alternate lifestyles. Nada. Your husband has gone and found hisself another woman, happens every day. Forget the labels. You're young enough, build yourself a new future. NOW!! GO!! (Since you're vanilla I can't say "go, bitch!", but you get the idea [8D] )




What Antipode said.



OP, dump the lying snake right now, today. He's just not that into you. He's jerking you around. Get a good lawyer immediately, and file for divorce ASAP.

While he's still gone, communicate to him that you don't want him living with you anymore and he should have other housing arrangements ready, when he comes back to town. Change the locks, and make sure you are not alone when he comes to get his things.

In short: stop letting him jerk you around, and stop letting him waste your time. You won't get it back.

YOU be the controller of what happens next. For your children's sake, and yours.

Would you want either one of your children to waste another 10+ years in a dead marriage, if they were in the same situation? If not, then don't do this to their mother, and father. And don't do this to them. Set a healthy example to them: of a woman who cares enough about herself and her children, to move on. Of a woman who loves herself and her children enough to stop letting their father jerk her around. A strong, confident woman, who handles adversity well, and loves herself enough to insist on an honest partner. A partner who will be crazy about her. 

Isn't that the kind of example they deserve to see, from you? What would you think if your son or daughter grew up and then stayed in a miserable, dead end marriage as an example to their children, because that's the example you showed them?

Show your children (and yourself) that people can be perfectly happy single, whether or not they are even looking for a suitable partner. Because when you're single, you won't have a jerk ruining your day. Show them how to act, if someone disrespects them, takes them for granted, treats them badly. You can't afford to wallow in self pity right now. You've got to do the right thing for them, and yourself. Show them that dumping a jerk is a positive move, that you're not afraid to make.

By the time the lying snake wants you back, make sure you're over him so that you won't set yourself up for more bad treatment from him. You must love yourself more than you love him. Get angry with him! Not yourself. You've given him your best effort. Now do the same for yourself, and your kids. 

He's treated you like a cat toy, batting you around when he's bored, and then leaving you when even that bores him. Then he comes back, to repeat the cycle. Stop letting him.

Take control.

Your children are watching you.

Set the example.

You'll feel sooooo much better, when you've made some positive steps to control the outcome of this mess!!! You might be suprised at how happy you are, then.... at the incredible rush of power that comes with controlling your own life!

If you really do love your husband, do the thing he hasn't been strong enough or decent enough to do.

Sometimes love means letting go.



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