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RE: How do you leave the lifestyle - 6/18/2009 1:36:38 PM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW

I felt that I enjoyed the practices more among people who understood them more like I did, instead of as an adjunct to something else that I might feel wasn't even related.

There's much of what you say about yourself which i am grateful for reading.
i have highlighted this though and felt i wanted to say:
i feel i enjoy the practices among those whom i feel understand them more than i do.
Now i think i'll reflect i what i myself mean by that feeling. But there's safety in the feeling that i am not alone in my edginess, flakiness et al.

_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
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To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 41

RE: How do you leave the lifestyle - 6/18/2009 1:44:41 PM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

My question is (in simplified terms) still though if there ain't a forbidden lifestyle, why isn't everyone at it?

at what?.....Arranging their life in a slightly different way? Exploring weird and wonderful things in a sexual way?

agirl

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 42

RE: How do you leave the lifestyle - 6/18/2009 1:51:08 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I mean no offense to the folks who have posted prior, but as much as I respect many of you, some are too wrapped up in the word "lifestyle" itself. Can't we just allow folks to use the term as related to BDSM being a part of life and move on with it already? I think most of us know what is implied to some degree when the word is used, rather than get off into a debate about semantics. Do we really have to write out long, expressive declarations about wiitwd, kinky, dynamics or can we just use the word so we don't have to go into paragraphs about individual applications?

Forgive the mini rant, Prinny. Allow Me to answer your questions.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

Simple questions to both 'd's and 's's:
1. Have you ever wanted to, thought about leaving the lifestyle?

I have. My first M/s relationship was not completely successful. At the time, I thought the failing was My own, rather than seeing that we were just poorly matched.

quote:

2. What would make you leave the lifestyle?

When My first pairing ended, I felt like I was in the wrong place for Myself, even though I was so drawn to it. I wasn't quite sure that I belonged in the "Old Boys Club" and that was very confusing to Me then. In those days, I hadn't grown enough to see that I was still Me. That took a while.

quote:

3. Have you left the lifestyle and then come back into it/

I have. In My personal case, I feel that I was quite fortunate. To be honest, I don't recommend people trying it the way it worked out for Me. Yes, it's possible to convert vanilla partners, but it's also possible to fall flat on your face. Part of where I am today is nothing more than pure luck, and the love of a partner who saw that I needed this. Nothing more, nothing less. I don't suggest that other people take that kind of a gamble.

quote:

Or is this not your take on it?

It is and it isn't, hon. I didn't construct the way it all turned out. If I had, I probably would have failed miserably. If I had to do it over again, it wouldn't have gone quite this way. Not everyone is going to find that person who is willing to expand their horizons because the person they love isn't having their needs fully met. That's a lot to ask of anyone. Had MP refused to do these things with Me years ago, I'd have understood and gone on with our happy vanilla life. I wouldn't have been unhappy, but I wouldn't have gone further into the potential that I have today.

Hindsight in 20/20, it worked out for Me. Not everyone gets that chance. Think about that as you go on in your future endeavors.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 43

RE: How do you leave the lifestyle - 6/18/2009 2:08:33 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

LadyPact, I understand what you are saying and I did hesitate to write what I did. However, for me, it does tie into how I answered the question that Prinnie asked. If someone asked, "How do you quit doing kinky activities?" it would be, to me, a very different question.

However, when I hear the term 'lifestyle' I feel that they are encompassing much more than kinky play or sex. In my mind, I see it as the whole enchilada. The play, the sex, the very structure of the relationship and most importantly, the very essence of who they are.

Even without Clip, even without kinky activities, you would still be LadyPact, sadistic dominant wonderful woman that you are. Regardless of whether or not you play, regardless of whether or not you have a submissive/slave, you are you. To try and be anything else would be close to impossible and certainly very difficult. The same things would turn you on, whether you were doing them or not.

I don't know, perhaps it is simply a matter of perspective. Perhaps that perspective is different because of how you express these facets of who you are. Example, your activities within the BDSM social scene in your area. Maybe even in having a relationship with MisterP that is not BDSM or power exchange gives you part of that perspective. I am not sure. Regardless, I do understand your point.

I don't think one way is right or wrong but for some people it is less definitive. There is no lifestyle to leave, there is just their life.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 44

RE: How do you leave the lifestyle - 6/18/2009 2:28:41 PM

sweetsub1957

Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

Simple questions to both 'd's and 's's:
1. Have you ever wanted to, thought about leaving the lifestyle?
i'm not sure what "the lifestyle" means, i am me living my life. Since i discovered bdsm, i have never wanted to go back to vanilla. Once i was asked if i ever would and the answer was a quick "No."
2. What would make you leave the lifestyle?
i had been asked once, were i given an ultimatum, would i leave. No, i could not. i am not vanilla, everything i do has submissive undertones, obvious or not. i can't leave me.....i'm stuck with myself. lol
3. Have you left the lifestyle and then come back into it/or is this not your take on it?
There was a brief time after discovering bdsm that i very casually, very briefly dated a vanilla man...he was nice but i knew it wouldn't work out. i was still looking for a D-type at the same time so i do not consider that "leaving."

_____________________________

Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 45

RE: How do you leave the lifestyle - 6/18/2009 2:34:23 PM

RCdc

Posts: 8674
Status: offline

Regards to you LadyPact, Master sends his regards.
I wanted to simply agree with LadyT. I also wanted to add that it does make a difference at least to me. I can understand if people who use BDSM as a play release use the term lifestyle. But when you simply who you are all the time, there is no 'time off'. Any person goes through relationships has times when they might end or move onward. But that doesn't stop you being who you are. Do we have to write out declarations? Yes. Because it is important to us. Because I cannot stop being me. Life happens, relationships come and go. But life still continues. It's not a style I live - it's not like I take off my black corset and I am suddenly not looking like a goth, or take off my funky dyed top and my hippiness is out the window. There is no mantle I wear to style who I am or how my life goes, no collar of protection or ownership to suggest I am who I am.

the.dark.

_____________________________

RC&dc

love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 46

RE: How do you leave the lifestyle - 6/18/2009 2:41:26 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

LaT, you know I respect your opinion greatly. I would never say otherwise.

Yet I have to say, one can, in fact, leave it. I spent a good two/three years not giving a damn about it. In those days, no, I wasn't Lady Pact. I was still Me. That's it. No greater explanation. I wasn't pining away, in a sense.

One thing that must be said here is that I didn't especially have My sadistic component in those days. That came later. I'm not so sure I would have the same opinion here if I had. As with anyone who is multi-dimensional, there are too many facets to consider. What if I had turned right, rather than left? What if the path went this way, rather than that?

Yet, not everyone can be content in a life different than power exchange, lack of play, or protocol. Each person has to know that, stumble into it, or fail. If you had asked Me ten years ago, I wouldn't know the answer. I'm not so far evolved in My own growth to know what will happen ten years from now. I prefer to think that I don't have all of the answers.

The basic question was, can it be possible? I have to say that yes, it can. No, not everyone can do it because they can't be fulfilled by something else. I don't want to have an attitude here where I am an elitist or that I am better or worse because, somehow, I lucked into all of this. I'm not. There have been plenty of times in My life that I didn't know where I was going or what in the world I was doing. I'm perfectly ok with the fact that I'm not omnipotent. I'm just Myself, in whatever stage in life I am at the time.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 47

RE: How do you leave the lifestyle - 6/18/2009 2:48:27 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Hello the.dark. As always, My regards to Darcy. I do hope that you know I have been following Merc and beth's trip and have been quite envious of their opportunity to meet you in person. Perhaps, someday, I will have the luxury of doing the same.

I do know that you dislike the term. Still, I don't think you can deny at least some common understanding when it's used. I consider it a shortcut, if you will. While I would never say that anyone should be so easily explained away, in some instances, it should be good enough. The message is conveyed, and that is the purpose of any term.

I hope you are well. I look forward to pictures posted in meeting the travelers.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to RCdc)

Post #: 48

RE: How do you leave the lifestyle - 6/18/2009 2:58:05 PM

bobipanti

Posts: 87
Joined: 9/29/2005
Status: offline

The lifestyle is part of my life and I do not want to leave my life!

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 49

RE: How do you leave the lifestyle - 6/18/2009 3:47:53 PM

Prinsexx

Posts: 4584
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I mean no offense to the folks who have posted prior, but as much as I respect many of you, some are too wrapped up in the word "lifestyle" itself. Can't we just allow folks to use the term as related to BDSM being a part of life and move on with it already? I think most of us know what is implied to some degree when the word is used, rather than get off into a debate about semantics. Do we really have to write out long, expressive declarations about wiitwd, kinky, dynamics or can we just use the word so we don't have to go into paragraphs about individual applications?

Forgive the mini rant, Prinny. Allow Me to answer your questions.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

Simple questions to both 'd's and 's's:
1. Have you ever wanted to, thought about leaving the lifestyle?

I have. My first M/s relationship was not completely successful. At the time, I thought the failing was My own, rather than seeing that we were just poorly matched.

quote:

2. What would make you leave the lifestyle?

When My first pairing ended, I felt like I was in the wrong place for Myself, even though I was so drawn to it. I wasn't quite sure that I belonged in the "Old Boys Club" and that was very confusing to Me then. In those days, I hadn't grown enough to see that I was still Me. That took a while.

quote:

3. Have you left the lifestyle and then come back into it/

I have. In My personal case, I feel that I was quite fortunate. To be honest, I don't recommend people trying it the way it worked out for Me. Yes, it's possible to convert vanilla partners, but it's also possible to fall flat on your face. Part of where I am today is nothing more than pure luck, and the love of a partner who saw that I needed this. Nothing more, nothing less. I don't suggest that other people take that kind of a gamble.

quote:

Or is this not your take on it?

It is and it isn't, hon. I didn't construct the way it all turned out. If I had, I probably would have failed miserably. If I had to do it over again, it wouldn't have gone quite this way. Not everyone is going to find that person who is willing to expand their horizons because the person they love isn't having their needs fully met. That's a lot to ask of anyone. Had MP refused to do these things with Me years ago, I'd have understood and gone on with our happy vanilla life. I wouldn't have been unhappy, but I wouldn't have gone further into the potential that I have today.

Hindsight in 20/20, it worked out for Me. Not everyone gets that chance. Think about that as you go on in your future endeavors.

i love the way you say things so i'm just going to reply and thus get your whole posting printed again in the hope that the folks who missed it the first time might read it again.
I ain't getting into semantics either but why do we still have the term lifestyle if it just means life in general. The term sure does mean a great deal to those that are as old as me who have been in the 'lifestyle' when iy bore risks: risks of being ostrasized, risks of being outed, risks of having the kids taken waya bt social services because there were screams in the night, risk of being non-consensually abused, risks of feeling isolated. Risk of being sectioned for craziness. Risk of being imprisoned just for being a man in love with a man. Etc Etc.
Codes of conduct, and ethics thoght out and agreed to like any other risky business that fucks with minds and bodies.
Ahh well....those were the days.
And PS i have to smile. Try being a submissive and telling a dominant vanilla partner what you want from a relationship.

< Message edited by Prinsexx -- 6/18/2009 3:54:37 PM >

_____________________________

Owner of asterion

Metawhore.... the sound of a metaphore when gagged
Free woman
Resident thread finisher
To my stalker:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN2lP_7J7GI&feature=fvwrel

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 50

RE: How do you leave the lifestyle - 6/18/2009 4:06:35 PM

DemonKia

Posts: 5521
Joined: 10/13/2007
From: Chico, Nor-Cali
Status: offline

FR, after read thru

I'll always be a kinky freak, I was long before I discovered the out-&-organized-kink-community . . . . . . I may drift in & out of hanging out with the BDSM community . . . . . . It's similar to how I'll always be a poet, but I drift in & out of hanging out with the poetry community . . . . . ..

But liking a nice flogging isn't what makes me a kinky freak, it's more that I'm generally 2 or 3 standard deviations away from most norms, lol . . .. . . . Things like solving a particularly tough math equation making my nipples hard marked me as a weirdo long before I ever realized I was a fetishist . . . . . .

&, for me, my kinkiness has nothing to do with being partnered or not . . . . . Currently I'm in a kinda militantly single phase, & feeling very kinky, lol . . . . . . Contemplating, in fact, being solo for the rest of my life, yep, kinky & solo . . . . .

Sorta like I was bisexual long before being physically intimate with a woman . . . . . Or being a nerdy-geek / geeky-nerd long before I fell in love with mathematics & was 'trained' as a scientist-type . . . .. & I was (reasonably ethically) sadomasochistic & controlling long before I discovered all these cool ways to express those aspects of myself .. . . . .

So, I'll be all that & more whether I'm involved in any given lifestyle grouping or not . . .. .

_____________________________

Snarko ergo sum.

The Verbossinator

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 51

RE: How do you leave the lifestyle - 6/18/2009 4:27:14 PM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

1. Have you ever wanted to, thought about leaving the lifestyle?

No. There was a time many moons ago when I wondered why I love it so much though and that thought used to bother me.

quote:

2. What would make you leave the lifestyle?

Any number of things, I suppose. If it made me sad instead of happy, if I grew into something different, if I thought I was doing it for reasons that are wrong for me. Hard to answer those 'what if' questions until they are upon me though.

quote:

3. Have you left the lifestyle and then come back into it?

No.

As an aside, I'm one of those folks who don't have a problem using the term 'lifestyle'. When I hear it on BDSM boards, I assume it means BDSM, D/s or M/s. Like everyone else, I live life.. it just so happens that I live a life that includes the lifestyle of BDSM & M/s. No harm, no foul. It's just the way I think of things. If I were on a swinger board, I would assume that if the term 'lifestyle' was used, it would mean a life in which the swinging lifestyle was included. For me, it's no big thing at all. Today, I have no compulsion to leave the lifestyle.. what happens tomorrow remains to be seen. :)

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 52

RE: How do you leave the lifestyle - 6/18/2009 4:46:46 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

I guess it's just going to come down to point of view and lord knows after reading and participating in these forums long enough, the odds of everyone seeing everything the same way, are slim to none. I can get and understand that some people have some sort of delineation between the kinky parts of their life and, their life. I wonder if it comes from background, like those that identify with the Leather groups, but maybe not.

Whatever the mindset divide is, I am glad that we can accept it, and courteously discuss it without going all one true way. I actually think it's wonderful that there are people that can have that delineation and perhaps, even live only on the non kink side, comfortably. Maybe I am just weird in how I look at it, my whole "facets of a whole" phrase. Rather than thinking of it as lifestyle and non lifestyle me. Who knows? We all find what works for us. The wisest thing we can do is accept that others have a different point of view. I can accept that some have lifestyle and non lifestyle lives (not that it matters a hill of beans to anyone but me.......), as long as others can accept that it is fairly meaningless to me, as far as my own life is concerned without getting their undies bunched.

So yeah, at the risk of bunching panties, I could only repeat my intial post. Nothing to leave or come back to, regardless of whether I am actively beating ass or no.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 6/18/2009 4:47:42 PM >

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to BitaTruble)

Post #: 53

RE: How do you leave the lifestyle - 6/18/2009 4:52:19 PM

Musicmystery

Posts: 30259
Joined: 3/14/2005
Status: offline

Was it Paul Simon who sang "50 Ways to Leave Your Flogger?"

Just wondering....

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 54

RE: How do you leave the lifestyle - 6/18/2009 4:59:18 PM

RLMK

Posts: 48
Joined: 6/6/2009
From: SC
Status: offline

I left awhile ago. Frankly, it didn't go well -- I've been "dominant" my whole life -- not nec. in a BDSM sense, more that I've always been happily Chauvinst. To that extent, I could be happy w. either a traditionally raised vanilla woman, or a submissive. The problem is that as a result of training, and genetics, I'm considerably stronger and larger than most men, which results in vanilla sex being either v. boring for me, or too rough on a normal woman.

Again, though, I don't think of it as a lifestyle -- I'd never be "public" both because it would be very difficult socially, but also because I don't feel that it's anyone else's business. I guess it's more that I need someone to care for, etc than for someone to hook up to cattle prods, etc.

I think there might be a split in BDSM -- to an extent, men have always, er, well, until very recently, w. the idea of "women and children first" and that they care for, and control their families. It seems to be the same instinct which makes me happy to sit and watch a herd eating, or looking at growing crops. For some reason, I think I could handle being the head of a poly household for the same reason.

I think the S/M side is something different. I like playing, etc, but I respond to the idea of control, not the spanking, etc.

(in reply to BitaTruble)

Post #: 55

RE: How do you leave the lifestyle - 6/18/2009 5:24:19 PM

LookieNoNookie

Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

Simple questions to both 'd's and 's's:
1. Have you ever wanted to, thought about leaving the lifestyle?

No

2. What would make you leave the lifestyle?

Nothing

3. Have you left the lifestyle and then come back into it/

No.

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 56

RE: How do you leave the lifestyle - 6/18/2009 6:04:10 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

If this relationship ends, I cannot imagine seeking another. I doubt I would ever again trust someone enough to submit. But bear in mind in took 48 years for me to meet a man who has the qualities I need in a dominant. I don't think I've got that long to find someone else.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 57

RE: How do you leave the lifestyle - 6/18/2009 6:22:47 PM

kallisto

Posts: 1185
Status: offline

I can't walk away from me. Sounds very simple but it's the way I see things. I've had times in my life where I've been in a D/s relationship and I've had times where I've not been in a D/s relationship. When I wasn't in a relationship, I didn't walk away from life. The ending of the D/s relationship was not me giving up on who I am. It was simply the ending of a relationship, but not the ending of me.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 58

RE: How do you leave the lifestyle - 6/18/2009 6:53:16 PM

beltainefaerie

Posts: 610
Joined: 4/15/2006
Status: offline

I have never purposefully left wiitwd behind, however, I spent at least 4 years, possibly more like 6, basically out of all things BDSM, because my husband was vanilla. Friends eventually approached us to play with me, he said okay and I have been back doing these things I love since. He has since actually found his dominant side with our companion and I am delighted for them, but even more delighted that he didn't think he should now be my Master, as he completely respects the relationship I have with my Master now.

I imagine that I might take a break if anything happened to my Master, because I would be deep in a grieving process, but I don't think I'd envision it as "leaving the lifestyle". That phrase sounds more to me like someone who believes the things we do are wrong and can never adjust to actually doing them, eventually leaving.

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 59

RE: How do you leave the lifestyle - 6/18/2009 7:11:02 PM

gypsygrl

Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline

I don't have a problem with the word "lifestyle," and try not to make anymore of that word than it is. I read it as being coterminous with "community" although, unlike community which refers to a collection of people with enough shared understandings between them that they can have a meaningful argument (Ok, my defininition, but I think it works), lifestyle refers to specific practices of everyday life. So, it would be hard to leave. I might stop practicing D/s or bdsm. Or, I might (and have) leave the bdsm community and stop associating with other like minded folks.

What made me leave the community a couple years ago was a couple of personal crises happening at the same time. My life got really complicated for a while and I didn't have much time for anything but dealing with my immediate family. My mom was sick with cancer, and I was doing the single mom thing to boot. Those things absorbed all my attention and I didn't feel I had any energy to devote to other, more self-centered things like attending play parties and munches. Additionally, I had no money for baby sitters or to spend on social activities. I just wasn't in a place where I could pursue a relationship or manage the emotional complexity of a D/s relationship. My mother needed me; my kids needed me and I didn't feel I had much left for a Dominant. Besides that, I was insanely busy and kinky sex wasn't very high on my to-do list (though I did have a fling for fun.) So, I cut my ties.

It was never my intention to leave it for good and after my life settled down somewhat, I began thinking about getting back involved. Over the past year or so, I've been very fortunate to have been able to re-connect with some old friends. It might happen that at some point in the future I may need to pull back again. I don't know what would make me do that but I'm sure it won't be the same as last time I left. 'Cause, like, ya know, my mom won't pass away again. That, I can say for certain.

_____________________________

“To be happy is to be able to become aware of oneself without fright.” ~Walter Benjamin

(in reply to Prinsexx)

Post #: 60

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