How do you leave the lifestyle (Full Version)

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Prinsexx -> How do you leave the lifestyle (6/18/2009 5:58:47 AM)

Simple questions to both 'd's and 's's:
1. Have you ever wanted to, thought about leaving the lifestyle?
2. What would make you leave the lifestyle?
3. Have you left the lifestyle and then come back into it/
Or is this not your take on it?



RCdc -> RE: How do you leave the lifestyle (6/18/2009 6:01:42 AM)

I don't live a lifestyle.  I live - that's about as simple and uncomplicated as it gets.
So, its live or die.
 
the.dark.



IrishMist -> RE: How do you leave the lifestyle (6/18/2009 6:03:40 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Darcyandthedark

I don't live a lifestyle.  I live - that's about as simple and uncomplicated as it gets.
So, its live or die.
 
the.dark.

Same. I don't live a lifestyle, I simply live life.



sirsholly -> RE: How do you leave the lifestyle (6/18/2009 6:04:34 AM)

If i were to answer you the question would turn to "How would i leave myself?" and the answer is...i would not.



Missokyst -> RE: How do you leave the lifestyle (6/18/2009 6:09:05 AM)

I also don't view this as a lifestyle, it's just life.  That said, I have often stepped aside.  When a relationship ends for me I have never been one to jump into the next.  I took a 12 yr break from getting close to another man after my first love and I ended things.  And it took my finding someone to care for him after those 12 yrs for me to jump back into the dating game.  Currently I am still mourning the end of relationship two and though I have tried to get back in to playing/dating I find the thought of it abhorrent.  To date in the years after I have played once, with a good and trusted friend.  It had no "lifestyle" elements to it, it was simply bdsm (my chosen style of drug), with no sex or sexual touching at all.
Kyst



agirl -> RE: How do you leave the lifestyle (6/18/2009 6:17:12 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

Simple questions to both 'd's and 's's:
1. Have you ever wanted to, thought about leaving the lifestyle?
2. What would make you leave the lifestyle?
3. Have you left the lifestyle and then come back into it/
Or is this not your take on it?



1) If I left M ......I'd leave the *lifestyle* we have. I'd no longer have a D/s relationship and my life would go on as it always has, full of all the things it always had.......minus him and what WE had.

2) I don't have a lifestyle to leave .....I only have a person to leave.

3) No, I've left people and the situation I was in.

It's not my take on it , no. If bdsm or D/s was a drive in and of itself, then maybe I'd see it that way. But it's not. It's just something I may or may not do if the situation presents itself. I could be perfectly content in an egalitarian relationship with the right person.

agirl





oceanwinds -> RE: How do you leave the lifestyle (6/18/2009 6:35:26 AM)

i live the oceanwinds lifestyle. I cannot box myself in to fit an organized lifestyle. I am still me with or without a Dom and can only offer me. If i met someone who did not belong to 'this' lifestyle, but they caught my heart I can still be with them. I broke those walls down ages ago that dictated that I need to be in a certain lifestyle, have a man in my life to feel special etc. I am special with or without any lifestyle or person.



antipode -> RE: How do you leave the lifestyle (6/18/2009 6:40:35 AM)

quote:

1. Have you ever wanted to, thought about leaving the lifestyle?


I have had a few young female subs who have left the lifestyle, if you want to call it that. They simply started dating vanilla, got regular boyfriends, etc. I am still in touch with them, so have been able to follow their progress. None have returned, and I think for at least some women in their twenties the lifestyle is a phase in their sexual growth and discovery.



beargonewild -> RE: How do you leave the lifestyle (6/18/2009 6:56:40 AM)

Plain and simple, yes there was a time when I seriously thought about turning my back on this part of life and as my one sig line states.....BDSM is a lure I am unable to resist. Having tasted the "forbidden fruit" so to speak, I can no more walk away than I could cut off my right arm. 



leadership527 -> RE: How do you leave the lifestyle (6/18/2009 6:57:47 AM)

I don't think Carol & I are in "the lifestyle" exactly. But we did try to stop doing M/s once recently. It was rather comical and didn't really accomplish anything.



LaTigresse -> RE: How do you leave the lifestyle (6/18/2009 7:02:39 AM)

For me, there is no place to leave. I am me. I am attracted to a variety of people, even men on occasion (gasp!!). I do not NEED any one specific activity to have a fullfilling and sucessful relationship.

I think that is one of the reasons why I love being open to the idea of poly. I do not have a check list for people. I just keep an open mind and heart and let it flow as it will.



SimplyMichael -> RE: How do you leave the lifestyle (6/18/2009 7:18:17 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx

Simple questions to both 'd's and 's's:
1. Have you ever wanted to, thought about leaving the lifestyle?
2. What would make you leave the lifestyle?



This isn't a lifestyle and you can't leave it.  You can stop calling someone master but if you like abusive men you are just going to find a vanilla abusive man.  If you have low self esteem as a slave you are just going to have low self esteem as a vanilla woman. 

The problem isn't all the bdsm crap, it is our own issues.

Beating women made me a more sensitive and caring person.  Learning to humiliate women taught me to better understand myself and how to make my partners more secure.  You have to face your problems no matter where you go because YOU are there.

I can't run from my problems, all I can do is face them fearlessly, admit to them, and do my best to work on them.  So, when I see a pattern in my life, I stop and look to see what the hell is going on.  Do YOU see any patterns in YOUR life?



RedMagic1 -> RE: How do you leave the lifestyle (6/18/2009 7:20:06 AM)

Maybe I'm getting grumpy and snotty, but, not kidding, when someone uses the word "lifestyle" seriously in a sentence, I now view that as a yellow flag.  It seems to be coming from the same mindspace as comparing the new partner to former partners.  How do you measure up to some set of protocols and practices that are followed by a handful of other people?  If you want to talk to me, talk about how you want to relate to me.



GeorgiaMaam -> RE: How do you leave the lifestyle (6/18/2009 7:26:20 AM)

I am willing to date both submissive men and vanilla men.  Ultimately my goal is to find a long term, stable relationship with a sane, healthy, well balanced man.  Ideally that would involve some level of kink play.   I've found only a few vanilla men who weren't willing to explore any level of kink, and I've found only a few submissive men who can fit the "stable, sane, willing and able to be in a healthy long term relationship" without requiring a 3000 mile move.

A more vanilla-based relationship does not mean the man is in control.   A more BDSM-based relationship does not mean everything is fine and peachy as long as there's kink play all the time. 

Ultimately, it's about personal fulfillment and joy.  I have that without a relationship.   To bring someone into my life hinges on so much more than if they can take a heavy spanking with an oak paddle.   Balance in all things.



LaTigresse -> RE: How do you leave the lifestyle (6/18/2009 7:26:21 AM)

For me it is some ugly safety orange or chartreuse green ( just because I hate those colours...). And yes, that word, in the context of power exchange and BDSM....throws that ugly flag up.

I cannot shed like a snake, who I am. This is me, evolving and changing yes, but the core person I am does not change. I will ALWAYS be a bossy bitch. I will ALWAYS want more than equal control of my life and my relationships. I will always look at the world with a slightly different eye than most. It's me, it is who I am. It isn't some character I play or role I act, that I can walk away from.

If it is for someone else, then I honestly do not believe they are being true to their core self.



sleazybutterfly -> RE: How do you leave the lifestyle (6/18/2009 7:31:27 AM)



1. Have you ever wanted to, thought about leaving the lifestyle? Yes, I have thought about it often.  There are times when I don't think I could possibly be happy without it in my life, then there are times I hate it more than anything.
2. What would make you leave the lifestyle? If my relationship I am in now ever ends, I will probably leave it for good.  Seeing that I am married to my M, it's not something I can get out of easily.  It's just a part of how he is and how he expects to live, the only way for me to leave totally is to either allow him to have someone else in his life, or to move on from our marriage, which I won't do.
3. Have you left the lifestyle and then come back into it/
Or is this not your take on it?I haven't been able to totally leave it since I got involved.  There are times I think I would have been better off had I done so, but that time has passed and it's "too late". 

I do feel to some extent it is part of me, but I don't think it's as big of a part as it used to be.  I do know for sure if this one ever ends, I will explore the vanilla life again and date around a bit, see if it's something I could be content with.  I think I will probably always be submissive to whomever I am with, but I don't think I will ever do it within the bdsm context again.

I won't say "never", I know better...but I highly doubt it.




agirl -> RE: How do you leave the lifestyle (6/18/2009 7:37:15 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

Maybe I'm getting grumpy and snotty, but, not kidding, when someone uses the word "lifestyle" seriously in a sentence, I now view that as a yellow flag.  It seems to be coming from the same mindspace as comparing the new partner to former partners.  How do you measure up to some set of protocols and practices that are followed by a handful of other people?  If you want to talk to me, talk about how you want to relate to me.


Apart from the grumpy and snotty part ....... I agree. In some ways I have a fair idea of what the person is asking, but I can't let go of the ambiguity that answering it, without clarifying, might bring.

I see people that are involved in a number of activities that we sometimes are......have relationships that bear a loose resemblance to ours and a far greater amount that are far removed from ours.

agirl



GeorgiaMaam -> RE: How do you leave the lifestyle (6/18/2009 7:42:03 AM)

A thought - as a Domme, I use the term "lifestyle" to basically say "I'm not a prodomme".  It cuts down on some of men emailing to offer tribute (either directly or by more vague offers of generosity) for sessions. 



RedMagic1 -> RE: How do you leave the lifestyle (6/18/2009 7:53:03 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: GeorgiaMaam

A thought - as a Domme, I use the term "lifestyle" to basically say "I'm not a prodomme".  It cuts down on some of men emailing to offer tribute (either directly or by more vague offers of generosity) for sessions. 

That makes sense.  I was referring to sentences like, "I am looking for someone who understands this is a lifestyle," or, "How many years have you been in the lifestyle."  It's the same kinda deal that arises if someone claims they are "Old Guard trained."  It's almost a guarantee that someone who makes that claim has never read anything in the Leather Archives.



CallaFirestormBW -> RE: How do you leave the lifestyle (6/18/2009 7:55:26 AM)

I can't walk away from being a dominant/introvert personality. It's in my nature. I also don't think that I was -ever-, in my entire life, even before there were people putting folks into such categories, one of the WonderBread, Milquetoast, Beige, Middle of the Road kind of people-- I have -always- been fringie, strange, edgy, weird, flaky, off-beat, "artistic", and just plain "half a degree 'off'". I like -vanilla-, but the implications of being plain and "normal" (whatever that means), or conforming to society have always sort of been outside of my capacity to grasp... and no matter what groups I associate with or not, that will probably always be the case. Even as I've mellowed over the years, I'm still on the fringes for my age group and sociodynamic group. What I -have- done is walk away from a number of activities related specifically to the public face of BDSM... groups, munches, etc.

I did so, in particular, after my beloved (best known here as The Bladewing) died without any warning. It shook our home to the core to lose him, and we were a -long- time recovering. When we came out of it, the experience had re-shaped us, and refined us... and for me, at least, left me not so sure about how -my- proclivities fit into the BDSM scene... or whether they did at all. Which brings me to the other piece...

The other thing I've done is in how I define some of what I do. I enjoy certain things that don't really fit in with the BDSM community, except on the fringes, but they're fundamental to -other- communities that I am a part of. On a couple of occasions, I've chosen to shift my practice/focus of those things out of the BDSM community end of things and back into their "core" community, because I felt that I enjoyed the practices more among people who understood them more like I did, instead of as an adjunct to something else that I might feel wasn't even related.

In the end we are what we are. If we live to serve, we don't -have- to be in an M/s relationship or D/s relationship to fulfill that. There are a -million- opportunities in the world to live in service. If we live to control our lives and find that control seeping over onto other lives that seem to gravitate to wanting that control applied to them, we -also- aren't bound to a M/s or D/s relationship... there are many ways to provide leadership, control, and/or direction without being involved in BDSM.

If I am doing something that starts to feel unhealthy to me, I will certainly step away and get some perspective on it. I may make that separation permanent if I feel better as a whole person by doing so, without regret. At the same time, I wouldn't drop something just because I was having some challenges... especially if it was important to me. I might step back to get perspective, but once I had a 'plan", I'd wade back in and set whatever had fallen cockeyed back to rights.

Dame Calla



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