RE: Good Luck, Becky.

RE: Good Luck, Becky. (Full Version)

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camille65 -> RE: Good Luck, Becky. (6/20/2009 6:55:10 PM)
Well said yes, but it will have no effect upon those that it should effect. It never does.

BossyShoeBitch -> RE: Good Luck, Becky. (6/20/2009 6:59:15 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: camille65 Well said yes, but it will have no effect upon those that it should effect. It never does. [sm=cheering.gif][sm=cheerleader.gif][sm=cheering.gif][sm=cheerleader.gif] That's the spirit!

OsideGirl -> RE: Good Luck, Becky. (6/20/2009 7:06:53 PM)
NewlyChaste, may I recommend Dale Carnegie's "How to win friends and influence people"?

camille65 -> RE: Good Luck, Becky. (6/20/2009 7:07:38 PM)
Hmmm I did sound rather cynical didn't I? But if the only place cynicism touches me is on an internet forum I guess I'm doing okay! [;)]

RedMagic1 -> RE: Good Luck, Becky. (6/20/2009 7:07:50 PM)
Unless you're a Moderator, the only power you really have is to lead by example. The OP said something in one of his posts like, "You cuss me out, I'll cuss you out, that's the way it works." Well, that might be the way it works in middle school. Anyone who thinks this is not a mature attitude might consider how to respond to a post by a new poster that is defensive and disrespectful. I think there's a big difference between trolls, and people who just don't have great typing communication skills. Trolls are almost always anti-women, and extra-anti-dom-women... and their posts are focused on the sexual. The OP's posts on this thread are extremely socially klutzy, but not trollistic. He did respond when people ignored his tone and called him out in a nonattacking way.

newlychaste -> RE: Good Luck, Becky. (6/20/2009 7:45:47 PM)
BSB, I take your point. Let me reiterate that I didn't make the original post in order to build up my ego. Granted, I was excited about the initial contact, and a bit proud of myself, but I wanted everyone concerned to have the background information necessary to forumulate their own thoughts. Off the top of my head, here are a few questions to which I would like your responses: 1. Do you believe it's ethical to create a false profile on a (real life people) personal site, and portray yourself according to the false profile? If so, to what extent, and why? 2. If someone with whom you had been communicating revealed, intentionally or unintentionally, that they're not who they said they were, how might you react? 3. If someone half-wittingly wanted you to find out that they were portraying themselves as something other than they are in order that someone find out, how might you react? 4. How do you tell a 19-year-old with no BDSM experience who's ashamed of their interest that it's alright, and that they should explore that aspect of their personality? (Especially considering starting with a kink whose core element is shame--"you don't have to be ashamed to want to be ashamed" is counterintuitive.) 5. If you were approached by a 19-year-old with no BDSM experience who wants someone to tell him, "oh, you don't have any panties? You should go out and get some," to what extent would you encourage him to jump into it? Bear in mind he lives with his parents. 6. Becky used to mention, in a sneaky way, that he's interested in crossdressing to people he knows--just to hear the truth said out loud, but really hoping that the comment would go unnoticed. For a submissive to mention liking being spanked to sound the waters is one thing, seeking a positive response. How might you react to a comment about a submissive liking crossdressing? Would you encourage him to continue that behavior or not? What would you suggest instead (if anything)? 7. To what extent might you encourage a submissive in whom you have little to no interest, for his or her own experience with a particular thing? (e.g., A sub is interested is being penetrated. Do you encourage him to buy plugs? If so, what else? If so, how closely do you monitor the progress? Et. al.) 8. Do you have any particular input about crossdressing? Pitfalls to consider, things to do that most people wouldn't think of, et. al. 9. Is it appropriate for me to mentor this person, knowing not terribly much about crossdressing, or should I just leave it alone? (Consider the false profile, and wanting to be discovered.) If the latter, are you aware of any particularly valuable crossdressing websites, books, video games, movies, etc.? With regard to the conversation surrounding this thread, is it absolutely necessary to be so specific, in order not to be accused of self-aggrandizement? :P Each of the above questions references an aspect of the original post that any reader could have made comments about. Thanks again, BSB. ------ "The Dude abides."

LadyPact -> RE: Good Luck, Becky. (6/20/2009 8:08:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: newlychaste BSB, I take your point. Let me reiterate that I didn't make the original post in order to build up my ego. Granted, I was excited about the initial contact, and a bit proud of myself, but I wanted everyone concerned to have the background information necessary to forumulate their own thoughts. Off the top of my head, here are a few questions to which I would like your responses: 1. Do you believe it's ethical to create a false profile on a (real life people) personal site, and portray yourself according to the false profile? If so, to what extent, and why? I can't speak for BSB here, but no, I don't. My ethics standards are a bit higher than that. quote: 2. If someone with whom you had been communicating revealed, intentionally or unintentionally, that they're not who they said they were, how might you react? Truthfully, I'd be done. If they can't be honest with themselves, they can't be honest with Me. I'd consider it cowardly. quote: 3. If someone half-wittingly wanted you to find out that they were portraying themselves as something other than they are in order that someone find out, how might you react? I can say that I'd give much of a damn. I have much more respect for those who can be truthful about their desires. quote: 4. How do you tell a 19-year-old with no BDSM experience who's ashamed of their interest that it's alright, and that they should explore that aspect of their personality? (Especially considering starting with a kink whose core element is shame--"you don't have to be ashamed to want to be ashamed" is counterintuitive.) You tell them that it's alright, as long as,they can be honest about said desires with those they are dealing with. Anything else is BS and fantasy. quote: 5. If you were approached by a 19-year-old with no BDSM experience who wants someone to tell him, "oh, you don't have any panties? You should go out and get some," to what extent would you encourage him to jump into it? Bear in mind he lives with his parents. I'd tell him that he needs to re-examine himself. quote: 6. Becky used to mention, in a sneaky way, that he's interested in crossdressing to people he knows--just to hear the truth said out loud, but really hoping that the comment would go unnoticed. For a submissive to mention liking being spanked to sound the waters is one thing, seeking a positive response. How might you react to a comment about a submissive liking crossdressing? Would you encourage him to continue that behavior or not? What would you suggest instead (if anything)? In personal relationships, I have no interest in cross dressing, so it wouldn't help Me. I would still encourage it, just not with Me. quote: 7. To what extent might you encourage a submissive in whom you have little to no interest, for his or her own experience with a particular thing? (e.g., A sub is interested is being penetrated. Do you encourage him to buy plugs? If so, what else? If so, how closely do you monitor the progress? Et. al.) I would encourage honest exploration. It doesn't have to be My kink for someone else to enjoy it. However, I would still make My opinions known regarding how little there is interest from the other side. quote: 8. Do you have any particular input about crossdressing? Pitfalls to consider, things to do that most people wouldn't think of, et. al. In My opinion, at least 80% of the femdoms that I know want nothing to do with crossdressers if they present themselves as being focused on that particular fetish. CS/TV/TG often are the bottom of the barrel if they can not fulfill the needs of the Domme in question. Very much the same way that I view AB. There is little in it for the Domme if she's not into that sort of thing. quote: 9. Is it appropriate for me to mentor this person, knowing not terribly much about crossdressing, or should I just leave it alone? (Consider the false profile, and wanting to be discovered.) If the latter, are you aware of any particularly valuable crossdressing websites, books, video games, movies, etc.? Would it be appropriate for you to teach someone about their job if you had no clue on how to do it? I understand that you want to feel good about yourself for helping this person, but at your experience level, what help are you really providing? Wouldn't you and she be better off with someone who was able to consider perspectives from a real life point of view, rather than conjecture? quote: With regard to the conversation surrounding this thread, is it absolutely necessary to be so specific, in order not to be accused of self-aggrandizement? :P Each of the above questions references an aspect of the original post that any reader could have made comments about. I get the feeling that you were kind enough to help this person, but you, yourself, still have much to learn.

newlychaste -> RE: Good Luck, Becky. (6/20/2009 8:15:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl NewlyChaste, may I recommend Dale Carnegie's "How to win friends and influence people"? I was sort-of poking fun at myself, OsideGirl. I've actually read it a few times, and have committed this passage to memory: I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again. In real life, I've actually got passable personal skills, and a little bit of game. Message boards are inherently divisive places. There should be a different book about portraying a successful forums personality. If there were one, I'd probably skip it. :9 quote: ORIGINAL: RedMagic1 Unless you're a Moderator, the only power you really have is to lead by example. The OP said something in one of his posts like, "You cuss me out, I'll cuss you out, that's the way it works." Well, that might be the way it works in middle school. Anyone who thinks this is not a mature attitude might consider how to respond to a post by a new poster that is defensive and disrespectful. ..the only comment I might have with regard to this bit is that calling someone out about an apparently catty comment is, in my opinion, a question of 'net etiquette. Maybe I am a bit of a klutz on these forums, but I've never seen a forum that was wholly civil, and as you can tell from the number of posts I've made, it's been a while. quote: ORIGINAL: RedMagic1 I think there's a big difference between trolls, and people who just don't have great typing communication skills. Trolls are almost always anti-women, and extra-anti-dom-women... and their posts are focused on the sexual. The OP's posts on this thread are extremely socially klutzy, but not trollistic. He did respond when people ignored his tone and called him out in a nonattacking way. Thanks... I think? Lol. ------ "The Troll abides.. I mean, Dude. The Dude abides."

RedMagic1 -> RE: Good Luck, Becky. (6/20/2009 8:16:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact CS/TV/TG often are the bottom of the barrel if they can not fulfill the needs of the Domme in question. Very much the same way that I view AB. Why? When I was new here, I wrote to a few AB/DL ladies... and quickly said, "Holy shit that's a lot of work for exactly one fantasy, all the time!" So they're crossed off my list, that's for sure. Are you saying CD's are just as monomanaical?

LadyPact -> RE: Good Luck, Becky. (6/20/2009 8:23:49 PM)
I'll do My best to answer this, Red, as I always do. There is no fetish out there that completes Me. While it may do it for someone else, I am still a part of the equation. Too often, I feel that CD folks do fall into this category. They are too busy with being dressed up in pink panties to understand that there is actually another person at the other end of the whip. When I actually meet someone who proves Me wrong, I will be happy to concede. To date, no one has been able to do that yet. They are too wrapped up in their own self expression.

sirsholly -> RE: Good Luck, Becky. (6/21/2009 4:22:15 AM)
quote: Before you reply to this message, check your premises, and please try to show some respect- Not a chance, darlin'. Respect is earned.

BossyShoeBitch -> RE: Good Luck, Becky. (6/21/2009 7:46:19 AM)
Let me reiterate that I didn't make the original post in order to build up my ego. Really? Because it truly seemed that way to me. But honestly, if you had that would have been ok. It’s just that it usually works better when you know the other people and have an idea that they might actually care. Granted, I was excited about the initial contact, and a bit proud of myself, but I wanted everyone concerned to have the background information necessary to formulate their own thoughts. Then it might have been prudent to stick to the information and to pat yourself on the back in private. Off the top of my head, here are a few questions to which I would like your responses: 1. Do you believe it's ethical to create a false profile on a (real life people) personal site, and portray yourself according to the false profile? If so, to what extent, and why? Honestly, I believe that on this or any other site, let the buyer beware. Up to a point, it’s all make believe. TO ME, the moment that it does become real is when you’ve made that one on one connection with someone. It is at that point that it becomes unethical to continue the charade because people’s feelings and emotions have become involved and not revealing the truth at that point, TO ME, makes the person a jerk. 2. If someone with whom you had been communicating revealed, intentionally or unintentionally, that they're not who they said they were, how might you react? Like I stated above, depends on at what point in our communications they revealed the truth. I am pretty good at not flying off the handle (although some might disagree with that). 3. If someone half-wittingly wanted you to find out that they were portraying themselves as something other than they are in order that someone find out, how might you react? Depends on the role (if any) they had in my life and which truth I knew about them. For purposes of this discussion, I am going to assume no romantic involvement here either way. For instance, if in my real life: I only knew Becky as Bob, but Bob often left little Easter eggs for me (regarding his alter ego) to find because he was too insecure to tell me himself, I would discuss the Easter eggs with him and let him know that it’s safe (emotionally speaking) to talk to me about his secrets. But that being anything other than direct with me from that point on would constitute playing games with me and I don’t tolerate games. Or if I only knew them online: I wouldn’t react at all. I wouldn’t necessarily care, and on top of that I wouldn’t care to invest a moment of my time to indulge a stranger’s game. 4. How do you tell a 19-year-old with no BDSM experience who's ashamed of their interest that it's alright, and that they should explore that aspect of their personality? (Especially considering starting with a kink whose core element is shame--"you don't have to be ashamed to want to be ashamed" is counterintuitive.) I wouldn’t really have to tell them that it’s all right. They would be able to tell by the, “Really?? That’s so freaking COOL! Boy do I have a lot of stories for you!! And by the way, there is this really cool website I’ve belonged to for a couple of years that you HAVE to see! I’ve made some amazing friends there and learned an unbelievable amount about this stuff! Hey, you should come to the next Fetish Factory party with my friends and me! There are also all of these places here that offer classes on almost all of the mental and physical aspects of this stuff. It’s the COOLEST thing, and aside from that, all this stuff is so fucking interesting to boot!!” 5. If you were approached by a 19-year-old with no BDSM experience who wants someone to tell him, "Oh, you don't have any panties? You should go out and get some," to what extent would you encourage him to jump into it? Bear in mind he lives with his parents. I would still encourage them to read books, join CM and fetlife, and go to munches and parties.. It makes no difference whether they live with their parents. At 19, they would have learned to keep their private life, private from those they don’t want to know. 6. Becky used to mention, in a sneaky way, that he's interested in cross-dressing to people he knows--just to hear the truth said out loud, but really hoping that the comment would go unnoticed. For a submissive to mention liking being spanked to sound the waters is one thing, seeking a positive response. How might you react to a comment about a submissive liking cross-dressing? About the same way I’d react to a comment about a submissive liking sugar in their tea. Would you encourage him to continue that behavior or not? I would discourage the behavior. You never know when you may trip someone’s “homophobic trigger” and get a violent reaction. What would you suggest instead (if anything)? Besides reading, websites, munches and parties, I don’t know that I would care to suggest ideas to help them get their jollies. 7. To what extent might you encourage a submissive in whom you have little to no interest, for his or her own experience with a particular thing? (e.g., A sub is interested is being penetrated. Do you encourage him to buy plugs? If so, what else? If so, how closely do you monitor the progress? Et. al.) Again, depends on whether we are close friends or not. With a close friend, I am a great partner in crime. With an acquaintance, I couldn’t say what type of encouragement, if any, I would be willing to give. 8. Do you have any particular input about cross-dressing? Pitfalls to consider, things to do that most people wouldn't think of, et. al. Nope. Not a one. 9. Is it appropriate for me to mentor this person, knowing not terribly much about cross-dressing, or should I just leave it alone? (Consider the false profile, and wanting to be discovered.) If the latter, are you aware of any particularly valuable cross-dressing websites, books, video games, movies, etc.? I hate the word “mentor”. For some reason it makes me bring an image of a sponsor in a 12 step program. If by wanting to mentor Becky, you mean you want to befriend her and help her find her way in WiiTWD and navigate the sometimes treacherous waters, then I think that’s a very nice thing to want to do. If the latter, are you aware of any particularly valuable cross-dressing websites, books, video games, movies, etc.? NOW THAT would be a good thread for you to start. There are many well respected people here who are TV/TG and could provide a wealth of information for Becky. With regard to the conversation surrounding this thread, is it absolutely necessary to be so specific, in order not to be accused of self-aggrandizement? YEP. Sorry dude, but HOW you say it is equally as important as WHAT you say.

RedMagic1 -> RE: Good Luck, Becky. (6/21/2009 8:25:49 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: newlychaste In real life, I've actually got passable personal skills, and a little bit of game. Message boards are inherently divisive places. There should be a different book about portraying a successful forums personality. I have seen no evidence that you have social skills in real life. If you do, then perhaps your error is that you are treating a message board like this as a game... or as a place you can "safely" be divisive. The term for such a person is "shit-stirrer," and shit-stirrers get shit-canned around here. I type the way I talk, and I assume I will meet every single person who reads my posts. I've met quite a few, and there's someone who has posted on this thread who I will be meeting for the first time in three days. My message board personality is identical to my "real" personality... and you will find this is true of a lot of people. This isn't a gaming or a race car forum. Within the last two days, both male and female posters have written publicly about being raped. People talk frankly about far more important things than whether their feelings were hurt by what someone wrote earlier in the thread. Unless you elevate your level of conversation, people will continue to think you are immature and petulant. On a related note, if someone emails me, I will only respond if I can see that the person is able to act mature in a public setting. Otherwise, they're not likely to behave like an adult when no one is reading what they write except me.

oceanwinds -> RE: Good Luck, Becky. (6/21/2009 8:26:22 AM)
To The OP My only difficulty about your original post was the fact you were talking about a person and bringing their business to the boards. It was also about how you handle this situation. In my world I frown on this period. No one here needed the information about this person. It is pure gossip in my book. I will always shine the gossiper in a negative light in my eyes. It is trash writing.

newlychaste -> RE: Good Luck, Becky. (6/21/2009 2:00:10 PM)
I would like to thank BSB and LadyPact, in general terms, for their responses to the questions I put forward. If and when I do, in fact, have a chance to chat with Becky again, I'll have at least a bit of additional information to offer. I would also like to give a nod to RedMagic1--you put a lot of thought into your commentary, I put a lot of thought into my reply, you publicly ignored the response I sent via e-mail, and then publicly derided me for replying to you at all. Words fail. On that note, I give up. I just plain give up. I am what you say I am. ------ "The Dude abides."

SimplyMichael -> RE: Good Luck, Becky. (6/21/2009 11:43:54 PM)
BSB, I don't think LuckyAlbatross or CrappyDom could have said it any better! I hope the OP sees the wisdom in your post as I do.

DarkSteven -> RE: Good Luck, Becky. (6/22/2009 5:39:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: newlychaste So, I have an Alt.com account, and occasionally chat with the denizens of that scene using the Java IMC. A few days ago, I started chatting with someone from Britain. "A novice Domme," she was to be, with a TV girl called Becky, whom she wanted me to train. Not normally my scene, but I thought I might as well jump in and see what's going on with this unusual pair. I grew suspicious almost immediately, and as soon as I asked for photos of the Domme to verify her existence, the subterfuge crumbled. Okay. So this Becky is a 19 year old guy who likes to dress in women's clothes. I assume that there's nothing more than that, like surgery or hormones? Bluntly, NC, you sound like you're telling us how smart you are for asking for photos. Hell, Becky could have had some pics of BossyShoeBitch handy. The red flags were a Domina asking a US-based submissive to help train a London-based person. quote: No emotional investment in the scenario let me come down fairly easily, and address the issue--no harm, no foul. Apparently she'd created the profile to look around the site, saw something that she liked, and wanted to keep looking around, and chatting with people. 19 years of age, young Becky was just looking for someone to call her on her bluff, take a hold of her, and give her a shake. (Playing a dominant role in my vanilla life leaves me well-equipped to dealing with certain types of situations.) An honest guilt on her part gave me some credibility to work with her and give her some advice. She deleted the false profile at my request, and is currently contemplating the meaning of "start as you mean to go on," as well as "be honest with yourself and others--whatever that means to you." Cliff's notes - you asked her to delete her profile and she did. quote: The only advice I gave that I think might be subject to some criticism is the following: As concern work and school, be a professional and a scholar first. You may earn the respect of your coworkers and fellow students, and develop friendships with them, but share your proclivities once you've developed a good level of trust--not before. Your advice is blindingly obvious if it's to not flaunt TV-ness in front of others. But I strongly disagree with the implication that it should be shared once you get to know others. Render unto kinksters what is due them, and nobody else. quote: I hate to say it, but I think that some people should generally keep their kinks to themselves in public, at least until they're comfortable and confident. And then, the person should be in a position to be able to weather the consequences. For example, not everyone appreciates men kissing in public. If you're someplace that's encouraged, that's great! If you enjoy it, that's great! But don't do it if you're not sure yet, someplace that people "might not take kindly to 'thayut kahnd uv behayvyer.'" No deviant behavior in public, where it could offend others. Got it. And it's not as stunning a viewpoint as you seem to think. Plus, it's duly noted that you think that Southerners should be made fun of for talking with an accent and being bigoted. quote: And another thing. Was I pretty close to right in advising that she not advertise? She mentioned that she had made aside comments about being a T-girl, but that people pretended not to hear, or didn't comment. I understand that this is a recommended way to sound out a person, to see how receptive they are to your proclivities, but she was doing it just to hear the truth be said. I considered that a dishonest behavior. If it's in her alt profile, she definitely needs to disclose. From previous stuff in your post, I assume that she told this to strangers and classmates. It's inappropriate and stupid to do this to vanillas, but I don't know about dishonest. quote: Oh, I wish I could send a letter to the 19-year-old me--I was so misguided! (and I still am.. isn't it great?! :D) Anyone with thoughts, comments, or questions, I'd love to hear them. I have a feeling I'm going to be doing some mentorship, here, so I'll need some input of my own to sift through. ------ "The Dude abides." If Becky is indeed real, then she's dumb as a post and has no social skills if she's telling everyone she's a T girl. The fact that you're using the terms T girl (transgendered) and TV (transvestite) interchangeably shows that you are not well acquainted with the kink. You like the idea of being a mentor, so go ahead but it will likely end up taking a lot more time than you anticipate because Becky alienated all of her classmates and has LOADS of spare time to talk with you. The healthiest thing you could do for her is to encourage her to develop other interests than crossdressing. That way, she has something to discuss with her classmates that they will talk with her about. As for you, you present very obvious thoughts as treasured bits of wisdom. I suggest you turn off your computer, and meet people in the kink community, and learn. You're flattered to be asked to mentor another, but you really ought to learn more.

sirsholly -> RE: Good Luck, Becky. (6/22/2009 5:43:32 AM)
Gives the wonderful Steven a standing ovation!!![sm=applause.gif][sm=applause.gif][sm=applause.gif][sm=applause.gif][sm=applause.gif]

SimplyMichael -> RE: Good Luck, Becky. (6/22/2009 6:46:13 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven So this Becky is a 19 year old guy who likes to dress in women's clothes. quote: Hell, Becky could have had some pics of BossyShoeBitch handy. . Steven, did you really mean to imply that BSB might pass for a 19yo cross dresser? A 19yo old hottie perhaps, but a guy?

DarkSteven -> RE: Good Luck, Becky. (6/22/2009 6:49:02 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven So this Becky is a 19 year old guy who likes to dress in women's clothes. quote: Hell, Becky could have had some pics of BossyShoeBitch handy. . Steven, did you really mean to imply that BSB might pass for a 19yo cross dresser? A 19yo old hottie perhaps, but a guy? Nope. I'm saying that BSB could pass as a Domina training a 19 yo guy.

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