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Asking for help - 6/22/2009 1:25:56 PM   
Kalista07


Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline 		Recently i've become increasingly aware that i have a difficult time asking for what i need. On an emotional level it makes no sense...He's never not met my needs if He's aware of them, unless there's a good reason He wouldn't even deny me something i want.  So it makes no logical sense!! Recently i really wanted him to hurt me...... And He knew that's what i wanted.....But, He told me i needed to ask Him for it....and i swear it must have taken me more than 30 minutes to finally say it. It makes me feel very weak and stupid to not be able to do this. i can not even begin to explain that absolute maddening insanity that goes on in my head during these times. It's not the first time........
i guess i'm wondering if asking for things is difficult for anyone else, and if anyone else has ever overcome this at all?
Thanks,
Kali


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“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb

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RE: Asking for help - 6/22/2009 1:35:17 PM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		yes!! - a resounding big fat yes.  i am totally useless at asking for anything - it feels like im taking or worse, that i might be putting the person out or asking for something they really dont want to do/give and that im risking putting them in a difficult position of having to do something theyd rather not - its a yukky feeling and i almost always begin by saying.

'you dont have to, please say no if youd rather not ...

i wonder where that comes from? - anyhoo - yes.

hugs xxxx

(in reply to Kalista07)
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RE: Asking for help - 6/22/2009 1:41:34 PM   
Kalista07


Posts: 4240
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

it feels like im taking or worse, that i might be putting the person out or asking for something they really dont want to do/give and that im risking putting them in a difficult position of having to do something theyd rather not - i


That is sooo a big part of it Lally..... i guess i kind of feel like if He wanted to do "X" {whatever X is} He would have already mentioned it... And if i ask, i'm either trying to get Him to do something He has no interest in, or i'm topping from the bottom or any other horrific piece of guilt i can dump on myself.

Kali


_____________________________

“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.”
~~Sweedish Proverb


(in reply to lally2)
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RE: Asking for help - 6/22/2009 1:46:51 PM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07

quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

it feels like im taking or worse, that i might be putting the person out or asking for something they really dont want to do/give and that im risking putting them in a difficult position of having to do something theyd rather not - i


That is sooo a big part of it Lally..... i guess i kind of feel like if He wanted to do "X" {whatever X is} He would have already mentioned it... And if i ask, i'm either trying to get Him to do something He has no interest in, or i'm topping from the bottom or any other horrific piece of guilt i can dump on myself.

Kali



Count me in on all of this.

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RE: Asking for help - 6/22/2009 1:47:44 PM   
GabrielleSlave


Posts: 616
Joined: 9/20/2007
From: in servitude
Status: offline 		Oh i know this feeling too... there are so many times that i have bitten back a question or a request because i have been too fearful of rejection.  i know however, that He would much rather i spoke up...this is something i need to work on obviously...! 

hugs x

_____________________________

Slave to Master Slayer

~ Host of the Rather Marvelous Greenwich Munch ~

"There is no such thing as liberty. You only change one sort of domination for another. All we can do is to choose our master."
D. H. Lawrence

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RE: Asking for help - 6/22/2009 1:54:22 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		Yes, I have and still do. I don't feel weak and stupid though. I've enough experience of difficult and frustrating things ironing themselves out over time, that I tend to expect that either it will, or it won't. I know that there are some things that'll ALWAYS be difficult for me no matter HOW much *I* want it, and no matter how patient HE is.

I HAVE found that repeating the exercise tends to make it easier .....but if left for a period of time, it'll slip back to being a struggle.

So no, I haven't overcome it and nor do I expect to. In a lot of ways, I don't mind the fact that I have to challenge myself and do a bit of inner wrestling.

agirl

(in reply to Kalista07)
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RE: Asking for help - 6/22/2009 2:02:19 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalista07
That is sooo a big part of it Lally..... i guess i kind of feel like if He wanted to do "X" {whatever X is} He would have already mentioned it... And if i ask, i'm either trying to get Him to do something He has no interest in, or i'm topping from the bottom or any other horrific piece of guilt i can dump on myself.


I don't know if this helps you Kali, but Carol suffers from this also. What I've done with her is to remind her that this is no longer a vanilla marriage. It is not POSSIBLE for her to impose on me. It is not POSSIBLE for her to "top me from the bottom". She is my slave as literally as we know how to make that true. So the most she can do is offer up useful bits of knowledge to me, the guy who's trying to guide the marriage for the both of us. But in the end, she is absolved from the decisions that come after that. It's my job to make those decisions.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: Asking for help - 6/22/2009 2:03:59 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

i guess i'm wondering if asking for things is difficult for anyone else, and if anyone else has ever overcome this at all?


asking for help with something difficult or heavy or burdensome---easy.
asking for something this slave needs---easy.
this slave would hazard a guess that asking permission for everything other than breathing in and out for the last 6 years has pretty much desensitized her to asking being a big deal. 
asking for something this slave just flat out wants and doesn't in any way NEED---doesn't happen very often---but still isn't that hard.

(in reply to Kalista07)
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RE: Asking for help - 6/22/2009 2:14:32 PM   
pixidustpet


Posts: 857
Joined: 6/4/2008
Status: offline 		i'm suffering from some health issues.  last night i found myself with difficulty in standing up in the tub.  rather than call TheEngineer to help me, i struggled up myself

and came within a hair's breadth of falling.  stumbling backwards, flailing at the wall, finally standing against the wall and hanging onto the towel bar.  and all in silence, lest i disturb him.  ........who came running anyway because he heard the splashing and was concerned.  now i cant take a bath without him home, and i'm frustrated but safer.

.....and i probably STILL wouldnt ask for help.  its not easy.  its hellish hard and i have to remind myself that keeping his property (me) safe is my number one order.  i keep racking up offenses like that one and i'm not going to be able to sit for a while once i'm healthier...

kitten

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
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RE: Asking for help - 6/22/2009 3:48:10 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		I used to have BIG problems asking for help.  I didn't want to put anyone out, and I didn't want to be weak, or I didn't think I deserved it.  Then I went through a two year period where if I didn't accept and receive help from others, well, the men in white coats would have hauled me off.  So I was force to learn to not only accept help offered, but actively ask for help when I needed it, too.

As my mother says "You gotta ask, the worst they can say is no."

I agree with Leadership's words - you are not topping from the bottom if asking.  I don't believe there is such thing as topping from the bottom, unless the top is actually allowing it, and in that case, he's still the one allowing it, isn't he?  Asking is not topping.  Asking is not putting anyone out.  They can choose to say yes, or not.  But their choice is just that - their choice.  And you don't own that.


_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



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RE: Asking for help - 6/22/2009 4:34:59 PM   
xiam


Posts: 148
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2
...i am totally useless at asking for anything - it feels like im taking or worse, that i might be putting the person out or asking for something they really dont want to do/give and that im risking putting them in a difficult position of having to do something theyd rather not...


Gah, i couldn't agree with this more.  It makes me really uncomfortable to think someone might be doing something just to be "nice" when it holds no interest for them at all.  Funny, though, isn't it- the reverse is seldom true at all.  Ahh, the joys of masochism!  :D

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RE: Asking for help - 6/22/2009 4:56:20 PM   
sublace


Posts: 201
Status: offline 		ask for what i need? pffft

I'm working on it and can so relate
thankx OP

(in reply to xiam)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Asking for help - 6/22/2009 5:12:07 PM   
atypicalsub


Posts: 284
Joined: 4/11/2008
From: an atypical sub
Status: offline 		Yes!  Mistress has to remind me of this often.  It is very hard to say what I need.


_____________________________

Polyamorous, solitary eclectic pagan, pansexual slut, and personal pet of MistressYes

"Do not do anything you are ashamed of, and don't be ashamed of anything you do"
(although I'm sure my bio-family wishes I did less and was ashamed of more)


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RE: Asking for help - 6/22/2009 5:32:32 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida
And you don't own that.

Which is an interesting point. I have pointed out to Carol that not asking is in fact removing authority from me by preempting my decision. Sadly, that point was a bit too esoteric for her *laughs*

I think the thing I said which most resonated with her was this.

We equate our dynamic to driving a car. I'm the driver and she's the passenger. She helps navigate and even set ultimate destination, but in the end, it is my job to drive the car. And if we're barrelling down the highway then she covers up half the windshield (what's going on in her mind), it's almost certain to end poorly -- dramatically poorly

The idea that there would be significant thoughts in her head that she was withholding from me is downright creepy given how much control I exert over her life.

< Message edited by leadership527 -- 6/22/2009 5:35:19 PM >

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to NuevaVida)
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RE: Asking for help - 6/22/2009 5:46:25 PM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		It's sometimes a little difficult or embarrassing to ask for something I want or to share things that I feel self-conscious about. My Master specifically demands emotional transparency from me, even when I'm confused and have trouble articulating what my needs and desires are. He said it's much harder to dominate me if he doesn't know what is going on in my head. He's very good at reading my body language, but I can't expect him to read my mind.

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RE: Asking for help - 6/22/2009 5:50:47 PM   
playfulotter


Posts: 2195
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		I do ask for things I think that don't make me seem weak..but other things i don't and then I feel frustrated because i want to let my emotions out....so i guess it is a common thing with submissive types...i haven't read the rest of responses so not sure...

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RE: Asking for help - 6/22/2009 6:47:04 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

I have pointed out to Carol that not asking is in fact removing authority from me by preempting my decision.


I have seen others say this very thing and I believe it whole heartedly.  By NOT asking, I have in essence made the decision for you, that you won't help me if I need it, that you won't get to know what it is I need, and that I am taking that authority for myself.

Ooooh so basically NOT asking is topping from the bottom.  Now THERE'S a strange and fun twist!! 


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Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Asking for help - 6/22/2009 8:09:28 PM   
pyroaquatic


Posts: 1535
Joined: 12/4/2006
From: Pyroaquatica
Status: offline 		I'm always worried I am asking for TOO much help when I do. I remember there was a point in time where I asked for nothing from anyone....

Then there was a pain in my side for three days. Intense pain like someone was jamming a knife in my side. I had to go to the ER.
Hurrah for post-streptococcus bacillus, while doctors a month previous look at your throat and say... "NO YOU DO NOT HAVE STREP THROAT." I never pushed it farther than that... and it almost killed me.

I try to take the middle ground when I ask for help and usually it is only for something I truely need.

Hey guys I truely need a truck, help a brother out!

you are right it does not hurt to ask.

(in reply to NuevaVida)
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RE: Asking for help - 6/22/2009 8:28:58 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pyroaquatic
Hey guys I truely need a truck, help a brother out!


"No"

There, see. No topping from the bottom involved *laughs*


_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to pyroaquatic)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Asking for help - 6/22/2009 8:31:21 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida
Ooooh so basically NOT asking is topping from the bottom.  Now THERE'S a strange and fun twist!! 


yeah, but in truth, that whole line is just a bit of pretzel twisting that I had hoped would get Carol to speak. Like I said, it was too esoteric for her and didn't work. In truth, what I call not asking is...

Crappy Communication Skills
and/or
Crappy Relationship Skills

In Carol's case, I also call it "disobedience" and it's punishable by release.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to NuevaVida)
Profile   Post #: 20
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