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DemonKia -> RE: Can I Play Too???? (A Rant) (9/6/2009 1:32:43 PM)
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FR, after read thru
I'm a bi-switch. Both, for me, come from a space of preferring to keep my options open & of deliberately cultivating my own fluidity . . . . But they also play out in rather more complicated ways than some simple little labels imply . . . . . .
Let's first consider my 'bisexual' label. & let's look at it with a slightly more complicated notion of what 'partnered sexuality' is about, a tri-pronged model: physical desire, emotional attachment, & social / friend choices. (The latter is a significant factor in how people's sexual lives play out even tho' it seems quite independent of sexual partnership choice.) This was an academic model that I found quite useful. In my case I am most strongly attracted lustfully towards guys, I have the best emotional relationships with women, & I seek & cultivate friendships with both men & women, equilaterally . . . . . That is, I am somewhat more hetero-inclined from a purely physical basis, emotionally I'm quite 'lesbian', & socially I am pretty bi . . . . . . .
(By way of comparison, let's think of some hypothetical extremes: a man who's physical, emotional, & social preferences are all strongly for other men would be strongly gay, similarly a woman who preferred other women in all three spheres would be strongly lesbian. Hetero's end up being more complicated, because the only thing the hetero label really clearly indicates under this tri-partite model is the physical desire part . . . . . )
Now let's take a look at some of what I see when I contemplate D/s dynamics. I'm of the opinion that everyone has what I like to term 'power & control' issues, that humans have an innate tendency to 'hierarchiate' (that is, delineate themselves & others into power hierarchies), & that D/s dynamics are how that general state interacts with human sexuality. Thus D/s / M/s dynamics are about taking those power relationships that are embedded in all human interactions & deliberately playing with them for erotic effect & / or relationship satisfaction . . . . . .
In addition to the above, there's also the reality that most dyadic relationships are unequal (on all kinds of levels) & contain power imbalances, with this being particularly pronounced & at issue in romantic-sexual relations . . . . (Ie, the most obvious case being the 'desire differential' between partners, with one desiring the other some amount more than the other way 'round . . . . . )
I am a 'naturally dominant' human being . . . . . & being able to take a break from that is such a relief . . . . . I like playing with power dynamics, especially in an erotic context . . . .. There are levels, for me, where being able to make explicit the power dynamics in a romantic-sexual relationship is necessary to have 'effective communication'.
The flip side of the bi-or-switch-equals-wishy-washy-&-insatiably-needy argument is that there are those who are rigid, inflexible, & are thus limited by their (inherent) roles. Perhaps the issue is more that those who are most insecure in their constrained choice set are most likely to flare out at those they perceive as experiencing greater freedom . . . . . (Which then sets the heart of this matter in the dichotomy between freedom & safety, I suspect . . . . . )
But limits are a good. The above paragraph could be read as inflammatory, if one takes limits & rigidity as 'bads' . . . . . I tend to think of these concepts more thru the metaphor of building materials than from some kind of either-or good-bad frame. Some are most comfortable being like steel or concrete & some are more comfortable being like wood or bamboo . . . . .
I'm limited in how many people I can have close, intimate (emotionally, physically, whatever) romantic-sexual-BDSM relationships with, 2 or 3 & I'm pretty much maxed out . . . . .
Anyway, my experience of the in-person 'scene' is that switches, & bis, are the majority, & it's the purely-thisses-or-thats who are in the minority . . . . . . Which is consistent with my experience of the 'vanilla' world, which I found to contain a much larger proportion of bisexual & otherwise more flexible people, & rather fewer of the more limited sorts . . . . . (Of course, there's a great deal of 'closeted' stuff out in the 'vanilla' world . . . . . )
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