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RE: More, More, More - 6/27/2009 8:37:48 AM

purepleasure

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Next time you make plans with the boyfriend, let him know you will go with or without him, and you're going to have a good time either way. It's his choice if he wants to be there with you.

Personally, I'd put the relationship with him on hold until he can get his priorities and issues in order. If you're not as high a priority to him, as you need to be, let him go and move on.

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Post #: 21

RE: More, More, More - 6/27/2009 9:34:12 AM

Roselaure

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Unless her doctor wants to get in a pile of trouble he cannot share any details of her condition, or even confirm or deny that she has a condition without her consent.

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Post #: 22

RE: More, More, More - 6/27/2009 9:54:40 AM

windchymes

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I agree the root of the problem is him. Until he sees her as a manipulator and sees himself as an enabler and has the dutiful little girlfriend/sub (not being condescending, just being quick!) waiting in the background, the situation isn't going to change.

My suggestion is to re-evaluate your relationship with him, and see it for what IS, not for what you wish it was, or what it could be "if", and make a decision from there.

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Post #: 23

RE: More, More, More - 6/27/2009 10:20:01 AM

FawneTwo

Posts: 98
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OP- Is she blackmailing him or something?

(in reply to windchymes)

Post #: 24

RE: More, More, More - 6/27/2009 11:25:46 AM

satyrsnymph28

Posts: 379
Status: offline

The issue isn't so much that he runs whenever she calls. I mean, that's a big part of it, but certainly not the whole thing. My main issue is that SHE HAS NO PLACE CALLING HIM TO BEGIN WITH unless it's specifically related to her children!!!

Every time she makes a phone call being needy and asking him to go over there, she's doing something that's completely unacceptable to me. I wish I could share all the details so that everyone would better understand, but I just can't. That would be breaking His trust.

No one wants to fight the battle (in court) of her being an unfit parent. No one has the money to hire a lawyer. We're simply not going there. I just believe that if you can't take care of yourself, then you're incapable of taking care of children.

I did specifically ask him if he thought she was a fit parent and he said "let's not go there".

I get that it's up to him if he goes over there, but my stance is that she shouldn't be calling to begin with.

I'm not complaining to him about this-- because I know he already has one person complaining to him ALL THE TIME, so I haven't done that. I am, however, more than a little upset-- and I intend to address this with him when I have a chance to talk to him today, but I'm still figuring out how.

Last night on the phone he said that he was trying to find a balance in dealing with her, and still being attentive to me. My response was "well, so far you're not doing a very good job".

I just believe that when you take the time to badmouth someone the way she has done to him, and when you remove his kids from his life for 6 months, and when you've done all the different things that she's done to him even just over the past 2 years, let alone over the course of her relationship prior to that, at some point there's just no more room for conversation. I would have reached that point a long time ago.

(in reply to FawneTwo)

Post #: 25

RE: More, More, More - 6/27/2009 11:37:52 AM

AlchemicMelody

Posts: 35
Joined: 6/21/2009
From: North Carolina
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I am echoing what others are saying. Is it time to step back from this relationship and decide if his troubles are worth it? Because sounds to me like she's controlling him still and as long as he allows that, there's not going to be a solution.

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Post #: 26

RE: More, More, More - 6/27/2009 11:39:18 AM

Toppingfrmbottom

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Joined: 6/7/2009
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I can sympathize there, one time Daddy had all day to do errends and stuff and he goofed around untill about 3 pm and then when I was finally home and wanted to talk to him, he said he couldn't talk because he had to take care of laundry and other chores. I said ok and we hung up but I was angry at him so I called him back and said no, it's not ok you had all day to do chores, you knew I'd want to talk when I got home having been out of contact all day and you chose to waste the whole day loafing off, and now we can't talk because you have chores to do.

He said I had every right to be angry I am right he chose to waste all day goofing off and it wasn't fair to me now I wanted to talk because I'd been gone all day.

quote:

ORIGINAL: satyrsnymph28

When he DID finally call, we got disconnected a bunch of times and then he told me he was too tired to talk. It's not MY fault he spent all day there. I didn't ask him to spend all day at her house. I didn't tell him he had to stay until 3am. Yet I'm the one suffering the consequences of all these actions, and his ex-wife's mental breakdown.

(in reply to satyrsnymph28)

Post #: 27

RE: More, More, More - 6/27/2009 12:21:46 PM

Vendaval

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Aileen is right on the money as per usual. His ex needs professional help and medication and the kids needs to be removed from her custody ASAP. IME, this situation will get a whole lot worse before it gets better and you may want to reconsider how much you want to invest in this relationship. And don't try any ultimatums, because he will have to choose the youngsters over you.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

The kids are already suffering. If he has a divorce settlement with child custody and visitation spelled out and he is current with his support then she has no ability to deny him time with his kids. I'd take her back to court and possibly show that she is unhealthy and unfit to be the custodial parent. Or you could just dump him and be done with all of this mess.

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Post #: 28

RE: More, More, More - 6/27/2009 12:24:00 PM

thishereboi

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Vendaval

Aileen is right on the money as per usual. His ex needs professional help and medication and the kids needs to be removed from her custody ASAP. IME, this situation will get a whole lot worse before it gets better and you may want to reconsider how much you want to invest in this relationship. And don't try any ultimatums, because he will have to choose the youngsters over you.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

The kids are already suffering. If he has a divorce settlement with child custody and visitation spelled out and he is current with his support then she has no ability to deny him time with his kids. I'd take her back to court and possibly show that she is unhealthy and unfit to be the custodial parent. Or you could just dump him and be done with all of this mess.

On what grounds would have you the kids taken away from their mother?

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Post #: 29

RE: More, More, More - 6/27/2009 12:38:36 PM

windchymes

Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: satyrsnymph28

The issue isn't so much that he runs whenever she calls. I mean, that's a big part of it, but certainly not the whole thing. My main issue is that SHE HAS NO PLACE CALLING HIM TO BEGIN WITH unless it's specifically related to her children!!!

This is just the point!!! People will ALWAYS do things they're not supposed to do! They're not supposed to die young, molest children, rob banks, kill other people, steal things, commit adultery, and the list goes on and on and on..... Walking around in circles stomping your feet and loudly asking the world, "Why are they doing this? They shouldn't be, it's not right and I don't like it, blah blah blah.....!!!!" isn't going to change it!

You have to deal with WHAT IS, not with what SHOULD BE! She has every legal right to call him on the phone, especially if she has his children. What she's done with that privilege doesn't matter....she can and she does and she will.

HE is the only one who can change the situation. Plain and simple.

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Post #: 30

RE: More, More, More - 6/27/2009 12:45:53 PM

Arpig

Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
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I have an ex-wife, and there was a period of time when she called me about all sorts of things, to give a kid a talking to because they had been rude to her, to install air conditioners, to help her move a couch, to rake the dead leaves in the fall, watch the kids for an evening so she could go to a movie, deal with an annoying neighbour, and so on. I very calmly, politley and firmly told her that those things are the sorts of things that a husband does, and if she didn't want to do them, then she needed to go find another husband, since I was no longer her husband. He needs to do the same, remind her that he is no longer her husband (and from the things you have said I get the impression that she initiated the divorce).

The problem is NOT with the ex-wife, the problem is with him. He needs to put his foot down and tell her to deal with her issues on her own. If he really wants to help her he should offer to take the kids for a month or two to leave her to concentrate on her health problems without the added stress of caring for the kids. If he won't put a stop to her behaviour, then you have only two choices: Suck it up, or walk.

That's the way I see it at any rate.

< Message edited by Arpig -- 6/27/2009 12:50:21 PM >

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Post #: 31

RE: More, More, More - 6/27/2009 1:36:55 PM

sweetsub1957

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW

quote:

ORIGINAL: VelvetCruelty

She is the mother of his children, and like it or not, he must make sure she is okay, so he can make sure his kids are okay.

Then he needs to talk to her DOCTOR. I'm betting good money that she is making this up, and only by talking to the doctor will he know what is and isn't necessary. If she's that bad off, she should be admitted while she's on the medication.

JMNSHO

CF

There is a thing called the privacy act that says her doctor CAN'T legally talk to him.

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Post #: 32

RE: More, More, More - 6/27/2009 1:50:44 PM

angelikaJ

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Joined: 6/22/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: satyrsnymph28

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aileen1968

The kids are already suffering. If he has a divorce settlement with child custody and visitation spelled out and he is current with his support then she has no ability to deny him time with his kids. I'd take her back to court and possibly show that she is unhealthy and unfit to be the custodial parent. Or you could just dump him and be done with all of this mess.

The divorce says "as parties agree" as far as visitation is concerned... so essentially it's up to her since they live with her. It should just say "whatever their mom decides" because that would be more accurate. but yes, he's current with all of his payments and stuff.

and he doesn't want to go back to court. that's what he's trying to avoid.

Why doesn't he want to go back to court?

If she is preventing him from seeing his kids, why is he allowing it?

Why is he not willing to fight for his relationship with them?

Right now he is at her beck and call and it has nothing to do with the children.
(according to you.)

How do you think the kids feel seeing that?

You think you feel bad getting his sloppy seconds?

If he wants a relationship with them then he needs to go back to court.
And once that is done, he needs to set healthy boundaries with their mother.

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(in reply to satyrsnymph28)

Post #: 33

RE: More, More, More - 6/27/2009 1:56:11 PM

windchymes

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Joined: 4/18/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetsub1957

quote:

ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW

quote:

ORIGINAL: VelvetCruelty

She is the mother of his children, and like it or not, he must make sure she is okay, so he can make sure his kids are okay.

Then he needs to talk to her DOCTOR. I'm betting good money that she is making this up, and only by talking to the doctor will he know what is and isn't necessary. If she's that bad off, she should be admitted while she's on the medication.

JMNSHO

CF

There is a thing called the privacy act that says her doctor CAN'T legally talk to him.

But there is no law that says HE can't talk to the DOCTOR.....and the doctor can listen as much as he wants to.

I ran into this situation when helping a friend.....I sat down with the doctor, said, "I know you can't talk to me, but I'm not bound by HIPAA and I can talk to YOU!" And that doctor just smiled, sat down and gave me his full attention. And the information about my friend got where it needed to go.

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Post #: 34

RE: More, More, More - 6/27/2009 2:22:43 PM

califsue

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Joined: 2/2/2008
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You need to make a decision and as painful as it might be for you to walk, that really may be the best way to handle this. Like windchymes pointed out, you can stamp your feet all the time about how much she is calling but he is the one who does NOT appear to be putting his foot down. I do know how you feel. I was involved with a man who was seperated/getting a divorce and for over 5 yrs everytime she called he would run to her and the kids. Whatever they wanted/needed was the priority over me/us. We were not getting along and he called me one day out of the blue and said 'he was returning to his family'. I said ok. This was just a plain vanilla relationship. Anytime you get involved with someone who has kids and a spouse that person even if they are divorced will always come first. They can claim all kinds of thing about the ex which mine did as well but he could and would not stand up to her and it is one of the many things that broke our relationship.

I wish you the best.

(in reply to windchymes)

Post #: 35

RE: More, More, More - 6/27/2009 3:16:53 PM

sophia37

Posts: 1433
Joined: 2/7/2006
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You've chosen a man with baggage. The, she wont let me see the children story is just that. A story. He can get visitation rights. Right now his family life is pretty chaotic. Think about it.

I didnt check out how old the kids were by reading this whole thread. But it could be this story will continue for many more years to come. Just the nature of having children and being divorced perhaps. If you are young enough, consider finding a man whos available and without child support payments. Seriously. I may sound rude, but I mean this as a kind thing to tell you. Maybe you love him. But the stress of what you are involved in, may very well be a deal breaker. Try not to marry the guy. Taking care of his family then perhaps having one with you, might be difficult. Good luck.

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Post #: 36

RE: More, More, More - 6/27/2009 3:47:37 PM

Lockit

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If he is more afraid of her, than he loves you; you have lost. He isn't going to grow a spine as he hasn't so far and this has gone on for far too long. She calls the shots; he obeys. He really isn't going to change anything because staying trapped by fear and her whim is the way he handles it and limits YOU. Or he is boning her. Stop thinking... US and think YOU. If he can't protect you and your relationship, then you must protect yourself. He has had enough time to prove himself able to do something about her.

If she is needing medication and balance there, there is a good chance she will need it for a lengthy time or may need changes in the future if this is an on going thing. Do you really want to do this with a man who can't or won't stand up to her for good 'excuses' or not? I bet he has a few more excuses he can sling past you with a don't go there... it's the um's... missed phone calls, all night stays and drama.

Make your choices.

I had one that did this. I packed his bags, set them outside the door, locked it and filed for divorce the following Monday. I didn't want to be married to his wife any longer and didn't care to try to respect a spineless, scardy cat who I was supposed to remind of my presence and importance in his life. No deal.

Now, see if you have a spine to stand up to his spinelessness. He knows the issues, talking isn't helping, crying, bitching... whatever isn't going to help. You know one way or another he lets her determine what happens. How long do you want to be married to her?

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Post #: 37

RE: More, More, More - 6/27/2009 10:53:36 PM

couldbemage

Posts: 112
Joined: 7/16/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: satyrsnymph28 SHE HAS NO PLACE CALLING HIM TO BEGIN WITH unless it's specifically related to her children!!! I get that it's up to him if he goes over there, but my stance is that she shouldn't be calling to begin with.

Oh grow up. Love is war.

She doesn't owe you anything. You're just his new chippy.

How he treats you is all on him. I am in the same spot he is; my ex has primary custody of the kids, hasn't worked in years, and causes the occassional bit of trouble. I wouldn't even consider answering my phone on a date for anything less than a child in the hospital. (it's happened)

At the same time, if my SO was chatting with her ex on our date night, I'd ask her to be considerate. If she didn't hang up I'd get in my car and leave.

I can't imagine being in a relation where I was being ignored.

...and you are probably screwed. 10 to 1, if you make it her or you, it will be her. I'd give great odds he still loves her.

(in reply to satyrsnymph28)

Post #: 38

RE: More, More, More - 6/29/2009 10:33:52 AM

satyrsnymph28

Posts: 379
Status: offline

I'd feel silly walking away right now because with the new drama, some older drama has finally gone away.

In the beginning (about a year and a half ago) when we had been seeing each other for only a little while, she saw us together. It was a new relationship and he hadn't told her that we were seeing each other yet. She flipped and told him that if he was going to see me, he needed to not see his kids.

He's continued, for over a year, to see me. It wasn't until she called him when he was here, earlier this year, that she told him to come over and tell his kids he wouldn't be seeing them for a while.

Now, that has changed, and she wants to meet me, apparently so I can meet the kids. Even if I never did that, though (which I don't know if I want to), at least she's not punishing him for our relationship, which he has chosen to maintain this entire time. She's ok with him seeing me now, and that's so hugely different than it's been before.

So I'd feel silly ending things when really they're just getting started. We can finally go places and not care who's there-- we don't have to look for her car before we go into a restaurant. It's a much better feeling than before. I'm not a secret anymore.

He doesn't want to go to court because he can't afford to. He's self employed and he barely has the money to take care of all his expenses along with child support, let alone to pay a lawyer to try to fight this again. They did it on their own initally, and the arrangement was working well until about 6 months ago, and now it's going to be working ok again. It's just up to her instead of set in stone.

But yes, the problem for me is that she's treating him like he's still married to her. And she's the one who wanted the divorce to begin with. Why should she get a husband still if she didn't think he should be in her life-- enough so to file for dovorce and kick him out of the house.

He's a good enough person to offer her advice about what's going on, and good enogh for her to sit and talk to for hours on end, but they're NOT married, she's NOT his wife, and she doesn't deserve the conveinence of him being there for her every need. That's her hisbands job-- and she doesn't have a husband right now.

I believe if that's the decision she made, then she needs to stick to it, and so does he.

If I did some of the things she does, I'd never hear the end of it from him. If I call him more than once a day, or ask him to come over when something's going on, he's quick to tell me that I'm being unreasonable, and that what ever's going on, I just need to handle it myself. Maybe I'm more mentally stable than she is, but it doesn't mean I don't need someone to bounce ideas off of every now and then.

I don't JUST blame her. I understand that his actions contribute. That he's letting her do this, but she should know better than to call him at all, unless a kid is in the hospital. Like I said, she gave up that privledge when she filed the divorce papers.

Just the other night, he was here... she called needing some information for something later in the week and he was going over there the next day. Why would she need to call and ask him for that when she KNEW he was here? She knew that she'd be interrupting, but she called anyway. Every time she calls she says she's sorry for interrupting... doesn't saying you're sorry mean you're not going to do it again? I always thought it did.

And now, today I'm having a particularly hard day and for whatever reason he's not calling me back.

I know this is all going to go away eventually, but will it be tomorrow-- or 6 months from now -- nobody knows. I don't know how long I'm willing to deal with it.

(in reply to couldbemage)

Post #: 39

RE: More, More, More - 6/29/2009 10:43:17 AM

satyrsnymph28

Posts: 379
Status: offline

I'd feel silly walking away right now because with the new drama, some older drama has finally gone away.

In the beginning (about a year and a half ago) when we had been seeing each other for only a little while, she saw us together. It was a new relationship and he hadn't told her that we were seeing each other yet. She flipped and told him that if he was going to see me, he needed to not see his kids.

He's continued, for over a year, to see me. It wasn't until she called him when he was here, earlier this year, that she told him to come over and tell his kids he wouldn't be seeing them for a while.

Now, that has changed, and she wants to meet me, apparently so I can meet the kids. Even if I never did that, though (which I don't know if I want to), at least she's not punishing him for our relationship, which he has chosen to maintain this entire time. She's ok with him seeing me now, and that's so hugely different than it's been before.

So I'd feel silly ending things when really they're just getting started. We can finally go places and not care who's there-- we don't have to look for her car before we go into a restaurant. It's a much better feeling than before. I'm not a secret anymore.

He doesn't want to go to court because he can't afford to. He's self employed and he barely has the money to take care of all his expenses along with child support, let alone to pay a lawyer to try to fight this again. They did it on their own initally, and the arrangement was working well until about 6 months ago, and now it's going to be working ok again. It's just up to her instead of set in stone.

But yes, the problem for me is that she's treating him like he's still married to her. And she's the one who wanted the divorce to begin with. Why should she get a husband still if she didn't think he should be in her life-- enough so to file for dovorce and kick him out of the house.

He's a good enough person to offer her advice about what's going on, and good enogh for her to sit and talk to for hours on end, but they're NOT married, she's NOT his wife, and she doesn't deserve the conveinence of him being there for her every need. That's her hisbands job-- and she doesn't have a husband right now.

I believe if that's the decision she made, then she needs to stick to it, and so does he.

If I did some of the things she does, I'd never hear the end of it from him. If I call him more than once a day, or ask him to come over when something's going on, he's quick to tell me that I'm being unreasonable, and that what ever's going on, I just need to handle it myself. Maybe I'm more mentally stable than she is, but it doesn't mean I don't need someone to bounce ideas off of every now and then.

I don't JUST blame her. I understand that his actions contribute. That he's letting her do this, but she should know better than to call him at all, unless a kid is in the hospital. Like I said, she gave up that privledge when she filed the divorce papers.

Just the other night, he was here... she called needing some information for something later in the week and he was going over there the next day. Why would she need to call and ask him for that when she KNEW he was here? She knew that she'd be interrupting, but she called anyway. Every time she calls she says she's sorry for interrupting... doesn't saying you're sorry mean you're not going to do it again? I always thought it did.

And now, today I'm having a particularly hard day and for whatever reason he's not calling me back.

I know this is all going to go away eventually, but will it be tomorrow-- or 6 months from now -- nobody knows. I don't know how long I'm willing to deal with it.

(in reply to couldbemage)

Post #: 40

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