Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: More, More, More


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Casual Banter] >> Off the Grid >> RE: More, More, More Page: <<   < prev  1 2 [3]
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: More, More, More - 6/29/2009 12:45:01 PM   
barelynangel


Posts: 6233
Status: offline
quote:

That he's letting her do this, but she should know better than to call him at all,


Okay it all comes down to this -- do you see where your thinking is off?   How should she know better IF HE ISN'T INDICATING TO HER THAT WHAT SHE IS DOING IS NOT ACCEPTABLE TO HIM and ENFORCING boundries on her?

You actually are blaming JUST her.   You keep asking why would she or should she etc, instead of asking, why did he or why does he?  You have no control over what SHE does because whether or not you find it acceptable you don't mean a fig to her - she could care less it seems how she may be infringing on what you now deem yours -- she still sees him wrong or right as hers to do with as she pleases.  You can knock your head against the wall all the times -- until HE explains otherwise, she will maintain the hold he allows her to have.    You need to stop concentrating on WHAT SHE DOES, and concentrate on YOUR RELATIONSHIP with him.  Because you aren't.  You are jealous of what he allows her, you said it when you said if i did that ...  

Seriously, you need to change your focus because bitching about what SHE is doing isn't going to have things change, she will do whatever it is HE ALLOWS AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHAT HE ACCEPTS. MANY people have said this to you and you keep going back to the ---- can you believe what she did idea.  

You keep saying she doesn't have this privilege or right -- OBVIOUSLY yes, she still does --- why?  BECAUSE HE LETS HER HAVE THE SAME PRIVILEGES AND RIGHTS SHE HAD WHEN THEY WERE MARRIED. 

Again, if you change your focus to boundries of YOUR relationship with him instead of his and hers, and hold HIM to some standards of expectations from you, you may start seeing him place boundries on HER due to his wish to maintain your relationship with HIM.  He may not even realize how far out of bounds he has come with you in allowing this to keep occuring.   You can't JUST EXPECT him to know because YOU see it. 

Until you start placing the "blame" where it belongs -- with the PERSONS in YOUR relationship (i.e., him and you), you will keep blaming the person who really isn't doing anything wrong except doing what is being allowed.  She may not think its an extreme at all, so why are you expecting her to see it from your point of view -- YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT TO HER.     So maybe you should focus on the person you should be important to -- HIM and what HE is allowing and accepting.

angel

< Message edited by barelynangel -- 6/29/2009 12:47:15 PM >

_____________________________


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson


(in reply to satyrsnymph28)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: More, More, More - 6/29/2009 1:26:46 PM   
scarlethiney


Posts: 492
Joined: 8/22/2008
Status: offline 		It seems from your profile and previous posts that his not being truthful, not calling, not doing what he says he will is a reoccurring them in this relationship.
His ex will always be the mother of his children, that will never change. Sounds like it isn't a big deal to him to keep promises.
If you feel  he is worth the effort then instead of constantly berating him, try being more supportive and not as critical. If you find you are unable to put your anger and hurt feelings aside perhaps you would benefit from stepping back and honestly looking at why you need to continue to be in a relationship with a man who seems to make you so unhappy and feel so insecure.


_____________________________

"The words 'I am...' are potent words; be careful what you hitch them to. The thing you're claiming has a way of reaching back and claiming you." - A.L. Kitselman.


see my profile masterkspet

(in reply to satyrsnymph28)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: More, More, More - 6/29/2009 2:21:35 PM   
TreasureKY


Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		Satyrsnymph28... I truly do empathize with you and the situation you are in.  I've been in very similar circumstances and it is hard, frustrating, hurtful and angering.  

Barelynangel is completely correct, though... the relationship that your boyfriend has with his ex-wife is not your concern.  The relationship that you have with your boyfriend should be your focus.

(in reply to satyrsnymph28)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: More, More, More - 6/29/2009 6:29:23 PM   
couldbemage


Posts: 112
Joined: 7/16/2008
Status: offline 		"I know this is all going to go away eventually,"

No you don't.

It won't.

The only way it will end is if he makes it end. In which case, she will blow the fuck up.

My ex tried similar child crap when I found someone new....

...so I dropped everything but work and sex and went to war. I was ready to live in my car if that was what it took.

Now things are chill. Ish.

(your guy is being a wus)

He has rights, but unless SHE knows he'll fight for them he has nothing.

(in reply to satyrsnymph28)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: More, More, More - 6/29/2009 7:56:14 PM   
greenearth21


Posts: 228
Joined: 7/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: satyrsnymph28

So, basically this is just venting-- I have to put this somewhere, and this is the most private place (regarding my personal life and who would see it) to put this where others can still read this--

So, my boyfriend's ex-wife is finally tolerant of the fact that I'm seeing him, and that's fine, but she's also going through some kind of mental breakdown where she needs him to be there all the time to talk through stuff.  Apparently it's a medicated thing-- I don't know much about it... just that there's an issue and he's trying to provide her with someone to talk to.

That sits badly with me because until she needs him, she treats him like shit.  He hasn't seen his children in months because she was choosing not to let him, and he hasn't been in her house in even longer-- and now all of a sudden she needs him to be there so everything is ok again.

I get pushed aside because she's having a breakdown.  I think it's bogus.  It's not his job to be there for her or any of those things-- half the time they barely talk.

Right now, if he's not at her house, she calls him every few minutes.  He was staying at my house the other night and she called his cell at 5am. 4 times.  He ended up having to drive out there because she needed him to be there.  We even missed our movie because she wasn't done talking.

We were trying to go to lunch on Wednesday and she called and talked to him for 55 minutes before we could even get out of the car to go in and grab lunch.  That night, we went to go get icecream and in the 5 minutes we were in the icecream shop, she called 3 times.  She then had her son call AGAIN.  After he answered and had said he would be there, she called just a little later and asked him if he'd left yet and when he'd be getting there. Our night got cut short abruptly because apparently he needed to go asap.

This afternoon she called him a bunch of times asking when he was going to be there, while he was trying to work.  He's self employed, and work is really scarce right now.  She already made him cancel all his appointments yesterday so he could stay there with her. Yet somehow she expects him to pay child support on the first. I had called to see how things were going around 1pm, and he said he was busy but he would call me back around 5. He was so overwhelmed by her calling, and trying to get work done that instead of returning my call back at 5pm, he called me at 3am.

When he DID finally call, we got disconnected a bunch of times and then he told me he was too tired to talk.  It's not MY fault he spent all day there.  I didn't ask him to spend all day at her house.  I didn't tell him he had to stay until 3am. Yet I'm the one suffering the consequences of all these actions, and his ex-wife's mental breakdown.

I was waiting up for him to call me back.  First I received a text saying he'd call around midnight, and he didn't get around to it until 3am.  Our day tomorrow has been messed up because our plans at 8am have been canceled. He might not even end up coming over at all tomorrow because she might call and say she needs him to be there---

OR--

She might just call over and over again all day long while he's here, talking to him for a couple hours at a time. And even then, she might decide she needs him to go over there.

I don't know how long this is going to last, but it's really frustrating.  I've been nothing but good to him for the past almost 2 years now (though we've had our problems just like anyone else), and she's treated him like shit for the whole time, and somehow she's the one who gets all the attention.

Not quite sure how to deal with this.  He's going to feel obligated to go there and spend time with her until her meds kick in and start working properly. If she's taking the right stuff with the right dosage, it could be as soon as a couple weeks, but how often does the doctor (who is seeing you for the very first time) get the dosage correct with the correct drug to have it work effectively on the first try? Almost never by my experience.

I know it's just temporary, but it's frustrating. I feel ignored, and she's messing up all our plans to go do stuff.  We can't go any farther than 20 minutes away because she expects him to be there as soon as she calls. Where we live, there's lots of fun stuff to do, but it's at least an hour and a half in any direction before you get there.

If I knew that this was going to be over in a day, or even in a week, I might be able to deal with it, but there's no telling when this mess is going to end. I'm debating whether or not I even want to be here through the circus because staying up til 5 in the morning is a little much for me when I'm working so hard to regulate my sleep schedule and my life.  I don't really have room for this crap too.  It's not MY drama.  It's happening around me, and impacting me, and I don't like it at all. 

I wish he'd just let her be, and live his life independant of her.  This isn't his problem either. 






Oh, *hades* NO.  He needs to be there for his kids and that's it.  She's a grown woman let her deal with her own issues.  You certainly, and I applaud you have more tolerance and patience than...any woman I've ever known. 
I certainly wish you luck and hope you find happiness in the whole situation. Dont settle or tolerate anything that doesnt fit/sit well with you.

_____________________________

“Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.” Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)

(in reply to satyrsnymph28)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: More, More, More - 6/29/2009 9:12:22 PM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline 		OP, I think if she's that much of a basket case, the kids should definitely be with him. 
 
They are no longer together?! Doesn't sound like it- he's either over there with her, or talking to her all the time. If he cannot learn to keep proper boundaries, this sort of thing will keep going on and on forever, while you and your needs are neglected. How much longer will you put up with this? Draw the line.

I'd leave it.

_____________________________

Download SLAVE LOVER. Explicit BDSM porn, with a plot! A love story, on a FemDom planet! http://www.amazon.com/Slave-Lover-Chronicles-Book-ebook/dp/B0031ERBLI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1261973416&sr=1

(in reply to satyrsnymph28)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: More, More, More - 6/29/2009 9:17:14 PM   
BKSir


Posts: 4037
Joined: 4/8/2008
From: Salt Lake City, UT
Status: offline 		Okay, you need to make it plain and simple to him.  Yes, they're his kids, he needs to make sure they're okay.  But she is his ex wife.  Emphasis on the "EX" part.  He owes her nothing, no assistance, no compassion, nothing.  It's obviously not there anyway, or they wouldn't be "Ex".  He needs to understand that, and the sooner the better.  If he can't get that his thick skull, it's time to move on.  Baggage is for porters, not partners.


_____________________________

We'll begin with a spin, traveling in a world of my creation. What we'll see will defy explanation.

I am the voices in your head.

BiggKatt Studios

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: More, More, More - 6/30/2009 12:07:52 AM   
satyrsnymph28


Posts: 379
Status: offline 		These last few comments are more along the line of actually understanding what I'm saying. 

I hadn't been able to to explain to myself, even, what the real problem was... it's the whole thing about -- she's not his wife anymore and she obviously found him unfit to be her spouse-- so what's the deal NOW, with the change? How come she's treating him like a spouse and expecting him to respond like her husband should? She opted out of that.

She's off and on about being needy.  Until the beginning of this week, we hadn't heard from her in 6 months (as long as he hadn't seen his kids). Now he's there every day.  Most of the time she hates him-- until she needs him to be there. 

Regarding them living with him...

He doesn't live in a place that is kid friendly-- like I've said, money is tight. He couldn't have the kids full time even if she wanted him to.  If the kids weren't going to be with their mom, they'd be with her parents.


So I just talked with him for an hour... he says that he wishes to maintain a FRIENDSHIP with her for the sake of not looking "absent" to his children while their mom struggles.  I guess I understand that.

I just told him that I need to be treated like the person I am in his life.  I need to be treated like someone who is there for him, and supports him, and cares about both of us, and our relationship.  He seemed to get that better than the comparison thing I'd been doing in the past.

It's not about what I get  vs. what she gets. It's about me feeling like I'm being treated the way I deserve to be treated, and not getting left behind or ignored while he takes care of unnecessary things.

Hopefully this will create some change.  Now that I think he actually heard me, there might be some follow through in making things better. 



(in reply to BKSir)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: More, More, More - 6/30/2009 6:14:40 AM   
thishereboi


Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming

OP, I think if she's that much of a basket case, the kids should definitely be with him. 
 
They are no longer together?! Doesn't sound like it- he's either over there with her, or talking to her all the time. If he cannot learn to keep proper boundaries, this sort of thing will keep going on and on forever, while you and your needs are neglected. How much longer will you put up with this? Draw the line.

I'd leave it.


So you think the kids should be taken from their mother? On what grounds?

Your not the first one on this thread to say this, but so far no one has given me an answer on why the kids should be taken away. So what exactly are you going to tell child services? She calls her ex too much?

_____________________________

"Sweetie, you're wasting your gum" .. Albert


This here is the boi formerly known as orfunboi


(in reply to dreamerdreaming)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: More, More, More - 6/30/2009 6:36:41 AM   
MsFlutter


Posts: 1305
Joined: 11/12/2008
From: East Coast
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

All kinds of people call me at all times.  I talk with them if I have time, or tell them. "I really don't have time to talk.  Can I call you back later?"



Steven - you bad boy. *I* called you and you didnt call me back. I think my feeling is hurt <sniff>

_____________________________

'Dont torture yourself, Gomez darling. That's my job' Morticia Addams

"The right data, filtered through an idiot, can yield a bad answer." einstien5201

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: More, More, More - 6/30/2009 6:58:55 AM   
missturbation


Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline 		Let's face it it doesn't matter a fuck what anyone says here you will CHOOSE to stay with him. This guy has gone behind your back dating others, sleeping with others and lied about it all to boot. Whos to say he isn't sleeping with his ex again, lets face it he has done it before.
You need to quit whining about this guy and see him for what he is and leave, OR quit whining about this guy and stay with him. I for one though am sick of hearing you whine about the loser YOU CHOOSE to stay with despite the advice of many to leave.

< Message edited by missturbation -- 6/30/2009 7:00:30 AM >

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to MsFlutter)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: More, More, More - 6/30/2009 2:50:48 PM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		If I hadn't seen my kids in 6 months and then an opportunity of any kind presented itself to see them, I'm afraid I'd bust my ass and do whatever I had to do.

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: More, More, More - 6/30/2009 2:54:11 PM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline 		Baggage. It's wonderful.. isn't it..


(in reply to satyrsnymph28)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: More, More, More - 6/30/2009 3:20:10 PM   
satyrsnymph28


Posts: 379
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

Let's face it it doesn't matter a fuck what anyone says here you will CHOOSE to stay with him. This guy has gone behind your back dating others, sleeping with others and lied about it all to boot. Whos to say he isn't sleeping with his ex again, lets face it he has done it before.
You need to quit whining about this guy and see him for what he is and leave, OR quit whining about this guy and stay with him. I for one though am sick of hearing you whine about the loser YOU CHOOSE to stay with despite the advice of many to leave.


You're right, I'm going to do whatever I want, as it's MY relationship, but it doesn't mean I'm going to stop posting.  If you don't like it, don't read my posts.

I post because this is a place where I can put this stuff and no one from my real life is ever going to see it, yet it gets read (and responded to) by people, and most of them have something constructive to say. I appreciate that.



(in reply to missturbation)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: More, More, More - 6/30/2009 3:20:28 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

...The divorce says "as parties agree" as far as visitation is concerned... so essentially it's up to her since they live with her...


and he agreed to it, or it would say something else like every other weekend or every Wednesday from 5-8, etc.
 
this slave was married to an asshole who agreed to the verbage "reasonable" as far as setting specific times/dates for visitation.  as it turned out, this slave wouldn't agree to what he demanded in the first round of divorce papers that his attorney drew up because he wanted a standard visitation agreement as well as to only have to pay $50.00---that's right, FIFTY dollars per month/per offspring---we had 2 together.
this slave told him the only way he was getting her to agree to that amount in support is if he agreed to be responsible for all the marital debts (they were his, anyway) and change his visitation schedule to "reasonable".
He jumped right on it...and this slave can count on one hand how many times he visited, as well as how many times he payed his support obligation.
 
what father in his right mind and with nothing going on in his life to make him appear unfit in court agrees to "whatever the custodial parent decides" or "as parties agree" as far as visitation?

(in reply to satyrsnymph28)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: More, More, More - 6/30/2009 3:28:20 PM   
satyrsnymph28


Posts: 379
Status: offline 		As with the whole divorce process, he was ok with "as parties agree" because it was what SHE wanted.  He didn't want to have to pay a lawyer because he couldn't afford to. So throughout the whole process, he was agreeable to what she wanted.

Financially, the person who was overseeing their divorce did the math to make sure all that came out evenly.



(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: More, More, More - 6/30/2009 3:33:49 PM   
illicet


Posts: 1
Joined: 6/30/2009
Status: offline 		Pardon, she is the boss in charge? What you do say has everything she commands. He allows her to preside over your budding relationship.

That woman has no power to win her sick war if the man can garnish the will to stand up for himself.

There is no excuse in not seeing his children in six months. He can act the responisble man parent. He rejected the children for so long because she said so? What will they remember someday? You could forget him too, does he see the possibility?

Daddy must feel powerless, no?

Clarity and peace

(in reply to satyrsnymph28)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: More, More, More - 6/30/2009 5:07:12 PM   
barelynangel


Posts: 6233
Status: offline
quote:

As with the whole divorce process, he was ok with "as parties agree" because it was what SHE wanted. He didn't want to have to pay a lawyer because he couldn't afford to. So throughout the whole process, he was agreeable to what she wanted...


Sounds like he still is BY HIS CHOICE. Perhaps you need to accept that and realize where the problem is. When the pain gets enough for him to continue to dance to her tune, he will find himself laying down the boundries and deciding if seeing his kids is actually worth going to court. Sorry but to me the sob story of he didn't want to create waves and pay a lawyer is simply that a sob story and an excuse.

It sounds like there have been a lot of excuses in your relationship with regard to her and how your relationship with him goes. Sounds like you have a lot of insecurity you really need to get over because i think on some level and only you know the truth so this is a rhetorical statement really -- i think you believe if you start laying down boundries on him as to what you find acceptable and unacceptable, he will leave your behind and simply focus everything on his ex wife. So you are coming to a place like this to vent and complain and moan and whinge when in all actuality you should be telling ALL of this to the MAN you are in a RELATIONSHIP with. You didn't set boundries when she started all the crap before, and you aren't seting them now --- are you REALLY happy in the relationship -- or are you simply afraid you can't do any better?

As you said, you will do what you want. lol. However, its really kind of sad you have to come to strangers instead of turning to the ONLY person who can do something about it.
angel

_____________________________


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson


(in reply to illicet)
Profile   Post #: 58
Page:   <<   < prev  1 2 [3]
All Forums >> [Casual Banter] >> Off the Grid >> RE: More, More, More Page: <<   < prev  1 2 [3]
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094