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Do You Have Any Idea What You Are Asking? - 7/1/2009 6:23:24 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		While I am waiting for the fortitude to attend to another one of my threads, I had a little spark.  Have you ever gotten the feeling that your submissive has no idea what they are really asking for?  Some examples might be:

I want to be owned.
I want to wear your collar.
Break me please.

What was your basis for thinking that they didn't really understand what the request entailed?  How did you handle it?  Did you turn out to be right or wrong in your assessment?  What was the outcome?

lovingpet



Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Do You Have Any Idea What You Are Asking? - 7/1/2009 10:57:54 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I I'll take two out of three for $1,000.00 Alec.

The one where clip was immune was wanting to be owned.  No, he didn't realize all that it entailed, but it was absolutely a driving force in his submission.  It's been a part of him for as long as I've known him and was probably there in some form his entire life.  It's part of what makes him who he is.  I remember explaining ownership (in My opinion) to him that first time and watching his face.  It was like a lightbulb that was turned on inside of him.  As though someone had put into words that thing in his inner being that he had carried with him all along, but never knew how to express.

No, clip had no idea of what it would mean to wear My collar.  Not at first anyway.  I said this on a thread earlier today.  It's the running gag around here that it takes a lot of work to be Lady Pact.  Just imagine what a challenge it is to be Lady Pact's boy.  Of course, he has a much better understanding of it now.

As for breaking My toys, I don't do that.  It is not something I have ever required or wanted.  If he needed to be broken, he wouldn't be Mine to begin with.  I am not saying that I have never hurt him.  I am not saying that I have never had him cradled in My arms as tears swept over him. I have done things to him that many would run from screaming.  Yet, I assure you, My boy is absolutely a man.  A pretty damn good one at that.  If you had a fine crystal, would you break it?

Nope.  I wouldn't either.



_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to lovingpet)
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RE: Do You Have Any Idea What You Are Asking? - 7/2/2009 8:20:55 AM   
aldompdx


Posts: 538
Joined: 10/24/2004
Status: offline 		A goal of a master is to teach another to discover what they really want, not what they hope will inspire love and fulfillment in their heart.
Each of the things you list reflects a cry for intimacy.

(in reply to LadyPact)
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RE: Do You Have Any Idea What You Are Asking? - 7/2/2009 8:41:01 AM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		I think that a lot of people do ask to be owned or collared without really thinking of what that involves. The fantasy is hot, but the actuality may not be. My Master and I discussed it a lot, in person, before we made a commitment to each other. I felt I was realistically able to comply with *his* requirements for a M/s relationship, but there are many people here who have M/s relationships with terms I couldn't handle. It goes back to basic compatibility.

On the breaking thing, that sounds like more of an internet-fueled fantasy thing, or perhaps they mean breaking in the sense of training, like a horse? Perhaps they want to be brought down to the very basic elements of who they are, and be rebuilt in the way their partner wants, much as boot camp is intended to do? I don't *think* they literally mean broken bones.

(in reply to aldompdx)
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RE: Do You Have Any Idea What You Are Asking? - 7/2/2009 8:55:41 AM   
DavanKael


Posts: 3072
Joined: 10/6/2007
Status: offline 		Beautifully said, Lady Pact. 
Regardless of side of the kneel or lack there-of, I am a huge fan of communication.  I like for people to understand the implications of what they're wanting/doing as much as possible.  It still doesn't necessarily prevent freak outs or people acting kooky but one tries. 
  Davan

_____________________________

May you live as long as you wish & love as long as you live
-Robert A Heinlein

It's about the person & the bond,not the bondage
-Me

Waiting is

170NZ (Aka:Sex God Du Jour) pts

Jesus,I've ALWAYS been a deviant
-Leadership527,Jeff

(in reply to Andalusite)
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RE: Do You Have Any Idea What You Are Asking? - 7/2/2009 9:15:24 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Thank you for the compliment, Davan.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to DavanKael)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Do You Have Any Idea What You Are Asking? - 7/2/2009 11:09:03 AM   
Drakontos


Posts: 167
Joined: 5/20/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingpet

While I am waiting for the fortitude to attend to another one of my threads, I had a little spark.  Have you ever gotten the feeling that your submissive has no idea what they are really asking for?  Some examples might be:

I want to be owned.
I want to wear your collar.
Break me please.

What was your basis for thinking that they didn't really understand what the request entailed?  How did you handle it?  Did you turn out to be right or wrong in your assessment?  What was the outcome?

lovingpet





I own property. When I first came into contact with zaphira ( and with most others ), and I tell them that I am looking for property; nine times out ten, they don't have any idea of what it entails. That's mainly because my idea of ownership is pretty extreme. I make sure that I spend alot of time, in some cases, it has even been years; explaining and educating girls who state that they want to be my property. Most bail out pretty quickly when they find out what it entails; some manage to hang in there only to discover later on that it was not what they really wanted; and then there is that very small percentage who actually understand and put forth the effort to go the long haul.

For the most part; if someone can't hang in there, it's no big deal. We part on good terms, or we try to anyway. I don't hold it against someone if they can't be what I need them to be.

For those that do hang in there, and then later on decide they want out; once again, no hard feelings. As long as they are honest about why they want to leave; we can part on good terms.

And then for those who do go the long haul; I like to think that when they walk away later on, that they leave with a clear conscience, and a strong friendship intact.

Either way it goes; it's a learning experience for all involved, including me.

_____________________________

Drakontos
zaphira

Live with honor; serve with grace and beauty

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RE: Do You Have Any Idea What You Are Asking? - 7/2/2009 1:13:58 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Depends. A first time sub, probably not. But a first time dominant probably doesn't understand what it will turn into later on either.

He's a fairly experienced bondage top but I'm his first sub. At the same time, I was new to all of this. I'm one of those people who couldn't give a list of limits since I didn't know what most of it was.

So did either of us know back then what it would mean today, a good seven years later? Hell no. No amount of discussion would have included the fact that he's taken over control of stuff like trying to keep the driveway from washing out by installing drainage piping, building walls in the low spots, renting back hoes etc. This is stuff I've always hired an excavator to do.

Did we realize then that he would now do all the night driving because my night vision has deteriorated rapidly? Or that he's teaching my youngest to drive since I'm a bundle of nerves? His youngest is coming up for the summer and we'll see if I'm calmer with his than he is.



_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to Drakontos)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Do You Have Any Idea What You Are Asking? - 7/2/2009 7:38:33 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you to one and all!  It was just something I thought about that seems to be a recurring question in a relationship of mine.  It may be something on a smaller scale like "Spank me please" or on the grander scale I mentioned above, but it always comes down to whether or not there is a conception in one's mind of what the other would take a given request to mean.  Oddly enough, a great example of that has already surfaced in this thread.  Does breaking the submissive mean literally causing bodily harm or does it mean to break a person down to there basic elements and build them anew?  These are two radically different concepts.  I imagine it would be quite a shock and hurt should the two be mixed up.

I see this as not only a communication, but, by extension, a consent issue.  Better put, I see it as an informed consent issue and is how it is functioning in my particular relationship.  If a submissive does not know what to expect from what they ask for except some conception of it in their own mind, can they really consent?  If a dominant moves forward knowing the submissive does begin to have the slightest idea what might be expected, is it a breach of trust?

lovingpet

(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: Do You Have Any Idea What You Are Asking? - 7/2/2009 7:48:32 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

If a submissive does not know what to expect from what they ask for except some conception of it in their own mind, can they really consent? If a dominant moves forward knowing the submissive does begin to have the slightest idea what might be expected, is it a breach of trust?


This is life, not law school

(in reply to lovingpet)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Do You Have Any Idea What You Are Asking? - 7/2/2009 7:50:40 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: antipode

quote:

If a submissive does not know what to expect from what they ask for except some conception of it in their own mind, can they really consent? If a dominant moves forward knowing the submissive does begin to have the slightest idea what might be expected, is it a breach of trust?


This is life, not law school



It may not be, but it can quickly turn into a matter for lawyers and judges to sort out if one is not careful.

lovingpet

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RE: Do You Have Any Idea What You Are Asking? - 7/2/2009 8:11:07 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I'm pretty good about really thinking things through before I speak to Master about my wants and desires because I know it will end up in a discussion and I may get more or less than what I actually want or desire. I've learned that if I don't think things through....oh shit! I asked for the wrong thing!

(in reply to lovingpet)
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RE: Do You Have Any Idea What You Are Asking? - 7/3/2009 1:09:16 AM   
KateyCaine


Posts: 274
Joined: 5/7/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: aldompdx

A goal of a master is to teach another to discover what they really want, not what they hope will inspire love and fulfillment in their heart.
Each of the things you list reflects a cry for intimacy.



Beautifully said :)

k.

_____________________________

Proud to be owned and cherished by Master Charles (Gauge)

i wear His collar on my heart; and wherever i am, i know He is with me.

His love and my devotion and service to Him are stronger than leather or steel.

(in reply to aldompdx)
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RE: Do You Have Any Idea What You Are Asking? - 7/3/2009 5:43:18 AM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KateyCaine


quote:

ORIGINAL: aldompdx

A goal of a master is to teach another to discover what they really want, not what they hope will inspire love and fulfillment in their heart.
Each of the things you list reflects a cry for intimacy.



Beautifully said :)

k.


I have to agree!  Wonderful post!


(in reply to KateyCaine)
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RE: Do You Have Any Idea What You Are Asking? - 7/3/2009 7:54:51 AM   
Drakontos


Posts: 167
Joined: 5/20/2009
Status: offline
quote:

A goal of a master is to teach another to discover what they really want

zaphira would have to disagree with this. She already knew what she wanted, and what she needed, long before she ever came into contact with Master. zaphira did not need him to 'teach' her anything in that respect.

_____________________________

Drakontos
zaphira

Live with honor; serve with grace and beauty

(in reply to aldompdx)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Do You Have Any Idea What You Are Asking? - 7/3/2009 11:39:48 AM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		In my opinion, those basics that she knows will grow as her journey with her master continues. Growing and perpetual self discover and discovery as a couple are all part of a healthy, vital relationship.

lovingpet

(in reply to Drakontos)
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RE: Do You Have Any Idea What You Are Asking? - 7/3/2009 11:47:49 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		It's an interesting point. I don't think it is necessarily a breach of trust if the sub's conceptions are not the same as the dom/me's. I do think it points out that they need to do more talking to discover what each person's perceptions and expectations are. And keep talking along the way.

Re spanking: I knew I liked the idea of it, he knew I had no experience so he had me give him feedback as he demonstrated light to medium. We went from there. But if a dominant knows the sub is a newbie, it is incumbent upon the dominant to explain. If the sub is the one with more experience, then the sub should start the communication. This really isn't rocket science, just talk about it and keep on talking.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to lovingpet)
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RE: Do You Have Any Idea What You Are Asking? - 7/3/2009 1:12:08 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline 		actually i find the opposite to be amusing, and that relates to the things dominants request. many of which they'd never do themselves, but take great liberty opposing upon another. i have had delightful discussions on poly with someone that could never flip the script so to speak. i generally enjoy hearing how far a person is willing to travel to determine if i'm leaping from the cliff alone or with someone else free falling beside me. i will agree that both parties often make requests without fully understanding what they're requesting or the effort/sacrifices/changes it would take to bring their desires into manifestation.

porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: Do You Have Any Idea What You Are Asking? - 7/4/2009 7:23:50 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		Carol doesn't want any of those things so no issues for us. I am, however, intimately clear on what exactly she DOES want, oft-times much clearer than she is... that is my job both as her master and her life partner.

I almost always, reading posts on the internet, feel that the people speaking - dom & sub alike - are pretty far out to sea on what they actually want. Worse, I feel that there is active resistance to actually clarifying the question.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to lovingpet)
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RE: Do You Have Any Idea What You Are Asking? - 7/4/2009 10:04:30 AM   
BarnacleBill


Posts: 51
Joined: 6/12/2009
Status: offline 		Always love a new person that asks to be broken! Okay lets do it then first warming up their ass till its quite red and swollen by hand then a flogger and their are quite sobbing and kicking by the time my Crop starts leaving long red welts on their ass and thighs.

"Huh? Stop? Thought you wanted to be Broken?" Could inflict more pain after that but I will stop to let them re-cover and think about it. " Now how about you let me give you what you really need and want?" Goes a lot better that way then.

(in reply to leadership527)
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