Respect...to earn or not, that is the question (Full Version)

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WoodenPaddle -> Respect...to earn or not, that is the question (7/3/2009 3:38:02 AM)

(Ok, I just copied this from my blog at another site, but I really am interested in people reactions here as well)

A very old topic, I know. Should respect be earned? Or not? Is everyone expected to give respect to just anyone? Is everyone always entitled to respect?

First of all, like I have said often enough, respect is a very curious commodity with some properties that remind one of money, but unlike money it's impossible to put a set value to it. How much respect does one pay to a certain person? What does one do with repsect? It's not to be bargained for or with, nor can it be used to buy things, and yet it can be used in a way. People are more inclined to do a favor for someone they respect than for others for instance.

Here are some of the properties of respect.
-Respect is something most people want/expect/demand.
-Respect is something one has to gain. And to do so, one has to work for it.
-Respect has to be kept. And to do so, one has to work even harder.
-Respect is easily lost. Be careless or don't pay attention and it is gone before you know it...*chuckles*...very much like money in that aspect
-Respect is almost impossible to regain once it is lost.

Now the age-old question. Does one have to EARN respect? Or should everyone be respected right from the start?

Just like many people before me, I've been pondering this. I don't expect other people to accept my views as the one and only truth, I can only say how I see it.

There are 2 questions at the top. Should it be given freely to everyone? Or should one have to earn it?
For me, the truth is somewhere in the middle. The answer to both questions is: YES.
Everyone should be shown some respect when met the first time.
But yes, I also feel people have to EARN respect.
How can one combine these views? Very simple.

Take this example. Imagine respect to be a scale of 1-100. (Ok, I know it's not easily done, but go along anyway)
Now...at the side of 100 there is someone you respect utterly.
At the side of 1, there is someone you have no respect for at all.
I'd say, when you meet someone, he starts smack in the middle at 50. His actions -and the way his words and actions are in sync- will determine whether he goes up or down on the scale.
That does NOT have anything to do with liking someone. I have some friends I like, but don't really respect. And there are 2 people I really dislike, but do respect. Like and repect are NOT synonyms, or t least, to me they aren't.
Now imagine that scale of 1-100 again. Think of the 5 people who are closest to you (spatially speaking, so perhaps a roommate, a neighbour, the local grocerystore keeper, etc) and try to put them there on the scale. Generally speaking it's impossible to put anyone exactly at a certain point, but some people will be higher on the scale than others. Now why is that? Why do you respect one person more -or less- than another?
My answer is that the person has to earn that place, that amount of respect.
And one can lose it as well....*chuckles*...I could mention a few people who have lost mine, though in all my life, I've ever had the bad luck to meet 2 people who managed to go down below 10, meaning that I won't take them seriously in any way anymore.
And there are only a very few who managed to climb to the top, let's say, over 90.
Of course, things aren't that easy. People you interact with on a daily basis will move on that scale much faster than people you only see once in a while. That doesn't mean the ones you deal less often with are slower/less worthy or whatever, just that you have less opportunity to see whether their actions and words are in accord.
But that to me only shows the truth: respect is given, but true respect has to be earned.
The respect given/shown to people when first met is more something of good manners than true respect in my opinion.

One last note...*smiles a bit*...just before I put these thoughts down, there once again was one who demanded to be shown respect, for no good reason at all, who himself shows no respect to others...one like that moves down on the scale very, very quickly.
Respect is freely given. It cannot be demanded. Those who do have no idea about what respect is, or is about.

I would like to hear the opinions of others about my views. Whether it's in agreement or not...*chuckles*...because I respect the right of people to have their own view...as long as they respect mine.



sirsholly -> RE: Respect...to earn or not, that is the question (7/3/2009 3:44:09 AM)

I try to extend common courtesy to everyone. Respect comes with time...or not.



eyesopened -> RE: Respect...to earn or not, that is the question (7/3/2009 3:52:17 AM)

I think a lot of times people confuse respect with trust.  I think everyone deserves a certain amount of respect at the get-go at least respect as a fellow human being.  I don't need to trust them, just basic respect.  My dad taught me "Trust everyone but always cut the cards." 

And I tend to agree with you that after the initial basic respect, a person gains or loses my respect based on their actions.  Prior to knowing a person's actions why would I assume they deserve no respect at all?  Trust, on the other hand, has to be earned. 



Goddess2002 -> RE: Respect...to earn or not, that is the question (7/3/2009 3:55:55 AM)

A bit too early in the morning for a good,deep pondering...

I treat everyone with courtesy on a base level....but my respect does have to be earned. Your 1-100 scale is a good way to demonstrate how you can be neutrally courteous or respectful of a person, then their actions, belief systems, etc. will cause the scale to tip one direction or another over time.



Focus50 -> RE: Respect...to earn or not, that is the question (7/3/2009 4:07:00 AM)

Earned respect is more about familiarity....

I'll "give" a stranger unearned respect and courtesy etc on the basis that they may be deserving of it and it keeps everything simple and civil, even friendly. From there on it's up to them what they "un-earn"....

Focus.



CallaFirestormBW -> RE: Respect...to earn or not, that is the question (7/3/2009 4:13:35 AM)

quote:

Should it be given freely to everyone? Or should one have to earn it?


I think that there are different -types- of respect, and that there is a modicum of respect due in certain situations that is not applied to a -person-, per se, but to an office or a position, and which should hold its station irrelevant of the office/position-holder.

For example: There is a measure of respect that one has for offices like "judge" or "physician" or "Senator" or "Prime Minister". Regardless of the person, the office is treated with a measure of dignity. Even when, say, a President shows some human flaw, the office garners ones respect as a representation of what it is meant to be.

There is another kind of respect that is garnered for skill. We respect the obvious effort it took to learn to do something or become something, regardless of the characteristics of the person. "He may be an ass, but he's a really good chef!"

Then there is the respect we offer to an individual who seems to have hir act together, and who exemplifies some or most of the characteristics that we see in a leader, either personally or in a group to which we belong. I think it is -this- kind of respect that people talk about when they talk about having to "earn" respect. It takes a while to get to know someone well enough to be able to say "This is a genuinely -worthy- person, who has earned the right to stand up and be seen in this dignified way, and be treated as a worthy individual by me. This is someone I look up to, and someone I am willing to take advice from with all due seriousness."

To me, this is completely separate from what I consider "courtesy", which are the basic manners that we use in how we associate with others. It is the absence of basic -courtesy- that generates the idea of 'rudeness', and courtesy, at least to me, should be applied liberally, without concern for whether an individual has 'earned' any particular status or not. Courtesy can be expanded on in order to display respect, but there is a base level of what I consider "good manners" that can be obtained for just about any situation, and the use of these courtesies, including some marginal use of things like titles and forms of address, is not so much an issue of 'respect of someone else' as it is 'self-respect'.

Dame Calla




Level -> RE: Respect...to earn or not, that is the question (7/3/2009 4:28:04 AM)

I am respectful to everyone I meet, until they give me reason not to be.
 
But yes, respect is earned. And can be lost.



stella41b -> RE: Respect...to earn or not, that is the question (7/3/2009 5:07:08 AM)

Wow, what a convoluted OP, but if it works for you, why not?

I respect myself, but one of the ways in which I show that I respect myself is the common courtesy and respect which I extend to other people. I respect other people because I respect myself.

I am open to and associate with other people who respect themselves and these people I can easily identify because they respect other people, and ultimately, me. If someone doesn't respect other people, then they don't respect themselves and - unless I'm feeling especially compassionate and/sympathetic - I don't really have time for these people.

I see respect as a human quality, like courtesy, kindness, compassion, something which comes from within and which doesn't cost more than a little thought and effort. It's something I never really bother to measure or quantify because it's either there, or it isn't.



WoodenPaddle -> RE: Respect...to earn or not, that is the question (7/3/2009 5:12:57 AM)

Thanks for the reactions so far.

And yes, there always is the question of where one draws the line between "common courtesy" and "respect". A nice topic to ponder about some other time.



brandi1379 -> RE: Respect...to earn or not, that is the question (7/3/2009 5:18:52 AM)

IMO you have to earn respect, it dosent just automatically happen



seekerof -> RE: Respect...to earn or not, that is the question (7/3/2009 5:21:52 AM)

Resect is, to me, the idea that others have ideas and opinions that may (or may not) be different from my own.  They deserve respect, regardless of if I even like them, in that those ideas and opinions should be heard and considered. We can all learn and grow from each other.  If however that person has a track record of irrational, self-centered expression and ill thought actions, they will loose that respect.

One of the reasons I have grown fond of these message boards is that I think there is a great deal to be learned here, and I respect the ideas of many who post here.



WoodenPaddle -> RE: Respect...to earn or not, that is the question (7/3/2009 5:22:29 AM)

My apologies is I wasn't being clear here on that aspect.
I was talking about the respect for each other as a person, whether or not that is within the lifestyle.
Respect for an office or certain skills/accomplishments is indeed a whole different matter.
I've found out that I can respect a skill without respecting a person, as with a coworker who is, as a person, not much more than an extremely rude thug, but he sure knows his job and is very skilled at that. So I have no problem working with him. In fact, I'd rather work with a person I dislike but does his share and does it well than with someone who is nice but is a slacker or careless or sloppy.
But apart from his skill at work I really do not care about the way he acts and treats others...so as a person I only respect/admire his skill at work, but not an inch further than that.



angelwithhonor -> RE: Respect...to earn or not, that is the question (7/3/2009 5:45:47 AM)

...just last nite on another bdsm site,i began emailing back in forth to a Dom whom i think here...i dont remember bc i have had alot of emails from others..but anyways, He told me not to call Him Sir as i had in the few mails exchanged. i have had a few not many say this to me to...it took me back a bit as when anyone else has said it...i dont like i have done something wrong..this is just the way i have been taught, especially on line to Dominants/Dommes to address them with respect in my words..of course if they was standing here i would do the same..He said just what has been said here, that He hasnt earned it nor have i earned it to address Him as such...respect is a simple thing to do until someone steps past that boundrie and violates it.like the Dom who assumed when sending a pic of His cock was acceptable and respectable...i fast told Him off and block Him...to me  not sure if its to be earned or a given til they disrespect.



SmokingGun82 -> RE: Respect...to earn or not, that is the question (7/3/2009 5:48:18 AM)

As others have said, I give common courtesy/act respectfully to everyone until given a reason not to. Actual respect is earned. No matter who you are. Sometimes in my corporate life reputation/title precedes someone... but still.

I've always been confused by the concept of "respect your elders." All it takes to be an elder is to keep breathing... what about that demands respect?





Prinsexx -> RE: Respect...to earn or not, that is the question (7/3/2009 6:35:02 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: stella41b
It's something I never really bother to measure or quantify because it's either there, or it isn't.

I agree with you here about respect either being there or it isn't. I think therefore it is a near instinctual thing probably based on an animalistic pecking order.
Yes as humans we can rationalise it but I don;t think rationalising it into different quantifiable components or types really helps t understand it.
Respect (or lack of it) is something I like to observe at the behavioural level.
It's fairly recogniseable say in hotel situations where there's a corporate function. Despite everyone being down at breakfast together the inherent deffrences and plays of siutaional power accrue outside of the boeardroom as in it.
Every institution has it's hierarchy of reppspect. Educational establishments (where in theory at least there is a meritocracy) still embody deffrential and power play behaviours.
Some of the most interesting developments have been in the work done on micro-inequalites.. those near hidden aspects of language that give away the way we rate ourself againast another.
Situations where respect is expected but lost or not given give rise to insurrections eventually.
I'm interested however in where and when I lose respect. Which I have to admit I do easily, after an intial honeymoon period where I will give repsect unconditionally. maybe this is just a s-type thing or maybe it's just me.
I remember situations where my respect was taken for granted.
I rememeber situations where respect was suddenly gone.
Once I lose respect or another removes it or oses it for whatever 'reason' then it is difficult to get back.
I don't know enough about other species of animals to even begin to want to talk about the role of the pecking order. But whilst as humans we are socially inhibited from just bitching ot out or fighting it out in public it still seems to be going on below a srface of vaneer.
I dislike 'falsehood' immensely and to experience someone faigning repsect and then being falked tonguesd is one of the ugliest experineces for me.
Now as for bdsm: respect as protocol works for me. Rituals also. I think i have repsect for those who have experience in protocol and don't just whip it out as it were....



IrishMist -> RE: Respect...to earn or not, that is the question (7/3/2009 7:00:35 AM)

And once again, here we are debating/discussing something that is useless to actually debate or discuss. No one, absolutly no one, defines respect in the same way as another person...and you can pull up every single definition of the word that has ever come into use, and you will still never have EVERYONE in agreement.

quote:

Should respect be earned?

Yes; because in my opinion, respect is an attitude that one person shows to another person who they hold in high regard.
quote:

Is everyone expected to give respect to just anyone? Is everyone always entitled to respect?

No. I can't respect someone who has not given me a reason to look at them admirably.

quote:

Here are some of the properties of respect.
-Respect is something most people want/expect/demand.
-Respect is something one has to gain. And to do so, one has to work for it.
-Respect has to be kept. And to do so, one has to work even harder.
-Respect is easily lost. Be careless or don't pay attention and it is gone before you know it...*chuckles*...very much like money in that aspect
-Respect is almost impossible to regain once it is lost.

Are these YOUR properties? Or are they actually defined, factual properties of respect?
The bolded areas, I am sorry, but are you sure that you are not confusing respect with trust?

I think that all too often, people confuse respect with courtesy; yes the two have some similiar ideas; but in reality, they are two different words with two very distinct, and different definitions.

Respect is earned; courtesy, on the other hand, should be extended to everyone without thought ( yes I know...I am not the most courteous person [8D], but then, I have never tried to be )



LATEXBABY64 -> RE: Respect...to earn or not, that is the question (7/3/2009 7:33:24 AM)

any kinda of social or civil comunity has to have definition or you have chaos or confussion :)



IrishMist -> RE: Respect...to earn or not, that is the question (7/3/2009 7:36:14 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LATEXBABY64

any kinda of social or civil comunity has to have definition or you have chaos or confussion :)

REally? Do tell.



OsideGirl -> RE: Respect...to earn or not, that is the question (7/3/2009 7:37:21 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsholly

I try to extend common courtesy to everyone. Respect comes with time...or not.
This is what I believe.



Andalusite -> RE: Respect...to earn or not, that is the question (7/3/2009 7:57:50 AM)

I'm courteous to pretty much everyone. I tend to be respectful toward people who are significantly older than me (in their 60's at least), or who are specifically in a position of authority over me. If they handle authority badly, or turn out to be stupid, petty, or whatever, then I'll lose respect for them, if they know what they're doing, they tend to get more. I'm not *disrespectful* or rude to people who aren't in either category, unless they really prove that they deserve it. I'm not automatically more respectful toward Dominants of either gender than I am toward vanilla or submissive people.



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