Is it wrong to receive what you give? (Full Version)

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SweetHonesty28 -> Is it wrong to receive what you give? (7/4/2009 11:23:00 AM)

I am not new to this lifestyle and want to thank you for taking the time to read my little entry ... (though it wont be little by the time I am finished writing it..)

I have known this man for over two years and the chemistry was overwhelming ... meeting in person, talking over the phone, exchanging emails, IM's and had a wonderful communication that it felt like it came straight out of a dream ... everything was there ... even when I relocated to him ... until I got here ...

going through emergency surgery ( alone since he continues to say he Hates hospitals) to the loss of work, the feeling of being helpless due to not being able to help in any way shape or form ... to finding work ... barely getting by while he sits back on his computer all night .. sleeps all day and does not work ... nor look for work .. While I moved in with two ppl who own the house (husband and wife) He rooms with them and brought me in ... I had started to notice a pattern ... his cold, shut off feelings towards me no matter what I did .. I pushed and went back to work a week after surgery due to needing money in the house ... me doing all the chores, tending to his needs, asking him if there was anything I could ... to wanting to touch him simply as I pass by and would bark at me saying it creeped him out and to stop ... to the leave me alone ... shut up ... you're opinion doesn't matter ... I dont give a %uck .. to finally closing me off completely ... with no hesitation I would do what he asked, when he asked and tried everything I could, from being there for him and when this doesn't work...to distancing myself from him ... and that didnt work ... to finally be told Im not worth being collared ... that I am too "emotioal" by wanting affection at night when we lay down to simply cuddle next to him, when he pays me no mind all day, getting shoved aside and told that he could care less what happens to me ....

IS it wrong for me to receive what I put in a relationship ... and how does one heal from the mental damage that has gone on hourly for three months ... and gave my heart to a man who has shattered it ... I feel like a failure .. and numb inside ... and Im not entirely sure ... what to think, or even how to feel at this point ... so all I can do is sit here ... and wonder ... what did I ever do ... to have things end .. like this ....



angelikaJ -> RE: Is it wrong to receive what you give? (7/4/2009 11:51:29 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetHonesty28

IS it wrong for me to receive what I put in a relationship ... and how does one heal from the mental damage that has gone on hourly for three months ... and gave my heart to a man who has shattered it ... I feel like a failure .. and numb inside ... and Im not entirely sure ... what to think, or even how to feel at this point ... so all I can do is sit here ... and wonder ... what did I ever do ... to have things end .. like this ....



I am sorry it turned out this way.
It is not wrong to want to recieve what you put into a relationship.
However, it is unfullfilling and as you have discovered, even hurtful to expect something from someone who is incapable of giving it.

To say that he apparently has issues is an understatement.
Those issues have nothing to do with you or your worth as a person.

You have a responsibility to yourself to put forth the energy and attention to detail that you put into this relationship and create a wonderful life for yourself.

After some time has passed you might want to try and see if you might have missed some clues in the beginning that things were not as perfect as they seemed so that you might find someone who is actually worthy of your devotion and love next time.


Edit to trim quote



DarkSteven -> RE: Is it wrong to receive what you give? (7/4/2009 12:01:13 PM)

Evidently he is good at emails and online communication, not good in person.

You must have a real slave heart to give that three months.

Not all Dom/mes are like that.  You got a loser.  Keep looking.



gift4mistress -> RE: Is it wrong to receive what you give? (7/4/2009 12:34:55 PM)

It is of my opinion that you should leave him because he clearly doesn't care about you in any way shape or form. I understand the dynamic of a d/s relationship where the slave/sub is suppose to care for the dom/domme however a relationship is based on two parties that are suppose to deliver each other’s needs. In short, it takes two to tango and the same goes for a relationship.  Please, do not take what I am saying as an absolute as it is your choice to do what you wish. If you do however decide to leave him, I feel compelled to warn you that he may try and pull every string necessary to get you back. Do not let his manipulation and false words fool you, for if he did care about you he wouldn’t be so ungrateful of your loyalty toward him. I believe you are a much more superior individual than he is thus you deserve much more than him.

P.S I know I am a sub, but I had to say something as I was sickened by the way she was being treated.



NihilusZero -> RE: Is it wrong to receive what you give? (7/4/2009 12:55:05 PM)

No one likes finding themselves in such situations and the emotional stress of having to go through such a process shouldn't be downplayed, however...

You're asking people to enable your self-victimization.

If you genuinely felt that the transgressions he made were honest mistakes rather than continual and intentional violations of the integrity that he would have told you to expect from him, then yes, your staying for that length of time shows commitment. Being in denial for that length of time about the fact that neither party was getting what they had signed up for nor apparently living up to expectations, however, is a failure of responsibility you each had individually.

So, to answer the question: It's "wrong" to (expect to) receive what you want out of a relationship when (after presumably being clear about what that is to your partner) you choose to remain in a situation where you are not only not getting it but being actively denied it.



IrishMist -> RE: Is it wrong to receive what you give? (7/4/2009 1:43:03 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: NihilusZero

No one likes finding themselves in such situations and the emotional stress of having to go through such a process shouldn't be downplayed, however...

You're asking people to enable your self-victimization.

If you genuinely felt that the transgressions he made were honest mistakes rather than continual and intentional violations of the integrity that he would have told you to expect from him, then yes, your staying for that length of time shows commitment. Being in denial for that length of time about the fact that neither party was getting what they had signed up for nor apparently living up to expectations, however, is a failure of responsibility you each had individually.

So, to answer the question: It's "wrong" to (expect to) receive what you want out of a relationship when (after presumably being clear about what that is to your partner) you choose to remain in a situation where you are not only not getting it but being actively denied it.

He beat me to it



windchymes -> RE: Is it wrong to receive what you give? (7/4/2009 1:55:55 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetHonesty28

all I can do is sit here ... and wonder ... what did I ever do ... to have things end .. like this ....



Well, this is your problem, right here.  I'm sorry you had to go through surgery alone, it sucks, but you're back to work and bringing in money.  Now, you can either keep sitting there, wallowing in your self-pity and melodrama, or you can pack your bags and your paychecks and move out and start a new life.  You had a fantasy and he didn't make it come true.  He's a loser, now you know.  Life sucks, move on.



SweetHonesty28 -> RE: Is it wrong to receive what you give? (7/4/2009 4:19:45 PM)

Let me make this clear, since I must not of conveyed it in a clear regard earlier .. I ended it offically this morning not being able to take the physical and mental abuse that I was receiving for nearly three months time ... and in that ... he tells me that I am not worth collaring and to ask a Dom ( or more to the point he says he is a daddy dom) to express any kind of emotion to his sub is wrong and the fact that I wanted to hear something positive from him on what I have done ... every now and then was asking too much ... to sit here and try and talk to him was annoying .. and to do as I did, taking care of his needs ... wants ...and such ... I wasn't worth it ... He is moving tonight ... or says he is, we are unsure as of yet ... but his things are packed and he is ready to go out the door ... This entry was to honestly sit back and ask ... is it wrong to ask to receive the same loyality, dedication,love,respect, honor and heart that you put into a relationship ... because this is what I am constantly being told ... Its wrong ... that he doesn't have to do any of the above ... and did not care in any manner that he hurt me ... So I thought I would clear at least that part up .. 



califsue -> RE: Is it wrong to receive what you give? (7/4/2009 5:19:35 PM)

I am sorry for your pain and glad that you have ended it. It is NOT wrong to ask for and receive loyality, dedication, love, respect, honor and such.
Sometimes people present them one way online and emails and another way in person. You will heal and get over it though it may take some time.
You will find someone who is worthy of you and willing to give you what you want while you serve them. Focus on yourself and take the time to heal.



windchymes -> RE: Is it wrong to receive what you give? (7/4/2009 6:57:16 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetHonesty28

Let me make this clear, since I must not of conveyed it in a clear regard earlier .. I ended it offically this morning not being able to take the physical and mental abuse that I was receiving for nearly three months time ... and in that ... he tells me that I am not worth collaring and to ask a Dom ( or more to the point he says he is a daddy dom) to express any kind of emotion to his sub is wrong and the fact that I wanted to hear something positive from him on what I have done ... every now and then was asking too much ... to sit here and try and talk to him was annoying .. and to do as I did, taking care of his needs ... wants ...and such ... I wasn't worth it ... He is moving tonight ... or says he is, we are unsure as of yet ... but his things are packed and he is ready to go out the door ... This entry was to honestly sit back and ask ... is it wrong to ask to receive the same loyality, dedication,love,respect, honor and heart that you put into a relationship ... because this is what I am constantly being told ... Its wrong ... that he doesn't have to do any of the above ... and did not care in any manner that he hurt me ... So I thought I would clear at least that part up .. 


There are people who live in relationships like that and it's right for THEM.   It didn't work for you (and I'd have been out the door after the first week of that kind of treatment!) so it's not wrong for YOU. 

Don't listen to "people".  Do what YOU feel in your heart is right for YOU.  And next time, don't fall in love with an entity on a computer screen, no matter how eloquent their words are, or how squishy they make you feel inside.  This is a good lesson for you.....don't give your heart to anyone until you KNOW them in real life. 



LilKittenSub -> RE: Is it wrong to receive what you give? (7/4/2009 7:46:01 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetHonesty28
IS it wrong for me to receive what I put in a relationship ... and how does one heal from the mental damage that has gone on hourly for three months ... and gave my heart to a man who has shattered it ... I feel like a failure .. and numb inside ... and Im not entirely sure ... what to think, or even how to feel at this point ... so all I can do is sit here ... and wonder ... what did I ever do ... to have things end .. like this ....



There is NOTHING wrong with wanting to receive what you put in to a relationship. Even in a dom/sub scenario, and better ESPECIALLY in a dom sub scenario, its very important both parties take care of each other. It can't all be a one way street. I'm very sorry you had to go through all this, but if it were me, I'd get out ASAP, that sort of relationship is nothing but damaging to you, and what you're giving as sub/slave is something very precious and should be cherished by the one you give it to. If he's going to treat you the way he has been, he doesn't deserve your gift.

I know its hard, and I know it hurts, but getting yourself out of a bad situation before it gets worse is probably your best option at this point. You'll find your One someday and he'll make you realize just how special you really are.



NorthernGent -> RE: Is it wrong to receive what you give? (7/5/2009 2:59:26 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetHonesty28

sleeps all day and does not work

so all I can do is sit here ... and wonder



Is he depressed? Sounds like it. Either way he needs to sort himself out before entering a relationship of any description.

Were I you I'd have been long gone rather than sitting there and wondering.



Lashra -> RE: Is it wrong to receive what you give? (7/5/2009 5:00:31 AM)

Sorry to hear things did not work out. Unfortunately I've heard this story before a few times from different sub/slaves. Please remove yourself from this unhealthy situation and focus on getting yourself back on track and in a healthy state of mind. It sounds like your a good person and you deserve to find a person who will be good to you. My advice is next time do not move in with a Dom until you have met them face to face many many times.

It is difficult to know a person until you have lived with them for awhile and unfortunately that is hard to do except when you take it slow and easy. I dated my male sub for a year before I decided to collar him, I wanted to make sure that we were compatible. We've been together for six years now.

I hope everything works out for you.

~Lashra



ishyB -> RE: Is it wrong to receive what you give? (7/5/2009 5:27:00 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetHonesty28

Let me make this clear, since I must not of conveyed it in a clear regard earlier .. I ended it offically this morning not being able to take the physical and mental abuse that I was receiving for nearly three months time ... and in that ... he tells me that I am not worth collaring and to ask a Dom ( or more to the point he says he is a daddy dom) to express any kind of emotion to his sub is wrong and the fact that I wanted to hear something positive from him on what I have done ... every now and then was asking too much ... to sit here and try and talk to him was annoying .. and to do as I did, taking care of his needs ... wants ...and such ... I wasn't worth it ... He is moving tonight ... or says he is, we are unsure as of yet ... but his things are packed and he is ready to go out the door ... This entry was to honestly sit back and ask ... is it wrong to ask to receive the same loyality, dedication,love,respect, honor and heart that you put into a relationship ... because this is what I am constantly being told ... Its wrong ... that he doesn't have to do any of the above ... and did not care in any manner that he hurt me ... So I thought I would clear at least that part up .. 


Greetings SweetHonesty28,

Is it wrong to expect things?
I would say it depends on your relationship and what you were looking for in the fist place.
You profiles says you're a submissive and you mentioned he claims to be a daddy Dom (which makes me assume that was what you are looking for). In those contexts I think it's pretty normal to expect to receive the things you want, and when you do not get them, that's in breach with the relationship you wanted and were expecting in the first place. When a relationship doesn't not fulfill you, you should do what you did and get out.

However, there are relationships out there in which people cannot expect what you mentioned above.
I'm Master's kajira (slave). I'm not entitled to anything... at all.
I'm not entitled to expect loyalty, dedication, love, respect, honor and heart back from him in return for what I put into out relationship.
I'm a slave, and he can pretty much keep me any way he wants.
I would say that the way you were kept was as a slave as well, HE decided full what he wanted from you and decided fully what you were or were not getting in return for that. Obviously that is not the kind of relationship you feel good in, so it's good you got out. But there are some people (like me) who are looking for exactly that type of relationship where it is all on the man's terms and it's wrong to expect anything in return.

So you're question on 'is it wrong to have expectations?' No, for you it's not wrong, because that's what you want in the first place, but for some other people, it might be. There is no absolute answer for everybody in a question like that.

I wish you well,

ishy



slaveluci -> RE: Is it wrong to receive what you give? (7/5/2009 5:48:53 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ishyB
But there are some people (like me) who are looking for exactly that type of relationship where it is all on the man's terms and it's wrong to expect anything in return

Your expectations are being met as well, ishy. You expect that you will be kept as he wishes and you expect that it's all on his terms. Since that's how you say it is, then aren't your own expectations being met? I'd say they certainly are. Nothing wrong with that at all. You don't expect the SAME things that the OP did, or that I do or that anyone does. However, you DO expect that your relationship will have the things you wrote of and those ARE expectations, no matter how different.

As so many people here have written before, no matter how one is kept and no matter how "harsh" it may seem to others outside the dynamic, all partners have expectations and all partners are hoping to have some need(s) met. Slave A might might expect to sleep on satin sheets and be treated like a princess and Slave B might expect to be kept chained, naked, half-starved and sleep on cold, wet concrete. They both have certain expectations (no matter how different) and certain needs they hope to see met. It's just that they're coming at things from very different views................luci



lally2 -> RE: Is it wrong to receive what you give? (7/5/2009 6:01:40 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetHonesty28

Let me make this clear, since I must not of conveyed it in a clear regard earlier .. I ended it offically this morning not being able to take the physical and mental abuse that I was receiving for nearly three months time ... and in that ... he tells me that I am not worth collaring and to ask a Dom ( or more to the point he says he is a daddy dom) to express any kind of emotion to his sub is wrong and the fact that I wanted to hear something positive from him on what I have done ... every now and then was asking too much ... to sit here and try and talk to him was annoying .. and to do as I did, taking care of his needs ... wants ...and such ... I wasn't worth it ... He is moving tonight ... or says he is, we are unsure as of yet ... but his things are packed and he is ready to go out the door ... This entry was to honestly sit back and ask ... is it wrong to ask to receive the same loyality, dedication,love,respect, honor and heart that you put into a relationship ... because this is what I am constantly being told ... Its wrong ... that he doesn't have to do any of the above ... and did not care in any manner that he hurt me ... So I thought I would clear at least that part up .. 


whats wrong is that youre in a relationship (or were), that doesnt work for you.

what he says about a Dom showing emotions being wrong is simply his approach, not everyones.

once youve got youreself back on youre feet and you start looking again, just be sure that you set out to find a partner who wishes to absorb youre emotional input and is able and willing to reciprocate.

dont feel bad about all of this though.  both of you went into this knowing enough about each other to feel it was worth a try.  you gave it a try and after 3 months discovered that what you guys wanted or expected was poles apart.

there is no hard and fast rule here.  all you have to do is find someone compatible with you, just like any other relationship. 

youve learnt that reciprocation of emotions and sharing of responsibilities is important, so good, youve learnt a little more about what you want.

whats wrong right now is that he is blaming you and calling you worthless.  he has no right to do that and you should not listen to him.  it sounds to me like he needs to grow up a bit.



CallaFirestormBW -> RE: Is it wrong to receive what you give? (7/5/2009 6:21:36 AM)

quote:

he tells me that I am not worth collaring and to ask a Dom ( or more to the point he says he is a daddy dom) to express any kind of emotion to his sub is wrong and the fact that I wanted to hear something positive from him on what I have done ... every now and then was asking too much


I had to address this part, as there seems to be a real disconnect here, among some individuals, and this is something that may be useful to you in the future.

There are some dominant individuals who do not get romantically attached to their submissive counterparts. I happen to be one of those individuals. However, there seems to be this idea that, if you don't get -romantically- involved, you have to be -completely- emotionally disconnected, and that is just (please pardon my vulgarity) -merde-.

Everyone hopes for reassurance that xhe's doing the right thing. If a dominant individual is completely emotionally disconnected from hir submissive counterparts, and is unwilling or unable to provide even the smallest recognition for a job well done, then it is should not be unexpected when things go haywire. Choosing to focus an authority-transfer relationship in a direction that does not express appreciation and the cherishing of the individual servant and hir contribution to the household as romantic potential or active romance is one thing... completely ignoring one's servants and providing no positive feedback for proper growth of confidence and assurance of one's place in the relationship... that is completely antithetical, in my experience, to a successful relationship.

I think it is impossible to expect other people to respond to our overtures in any particular way... however, it -is- possible and necessary to understand our own expectations for "what is acceptable for me", it is ok to state those expectations -verbally-, up front, and ascertain whether they will be met in a given relationship, and it is ok to say "I can't live in this environment or with this behavior" and to put an end to the torture.

I understand wanting to believe that everything will eventually get better -- especially when the people involved talk a good game, but honestly, sometimes it's just better to say "I don't think this one is going to be a good fit for me" and walk away than to stay and let the damage sink under your skin and plague you.

Dame Calla



daddysliloneds -> RE: Is it wrong to receive what you give? (7/5/2009 7:21:07 AM)

as with anything in life, sometimes you get what you give and sometimes you get shit on while you're giving; it's not d/s or m/s exclusive.



ishyB -> RE: Is it wrong to receive what you give? (7/5/2009 8:09:18 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveluci

quote:

ORIGINAL: ishyB
But there are some people (like me) who are looking for exactly that type of relationship where it is all on the man's terms and it's wrong to expect anything in return

Your expectations are being met as well, ishy. You expect that you will be kept as he wishes and you expect that it's all on his terms. Since that's how you say it is, then aren't your own expectations being met? I'd say they certainly are. Nothing wrong with that at all. You don't expect the SAME things that the OP did, or that I do or that anyone does. However, you DO expect that your relationship will have the things you wrote of and those ARE expectations, no matter how different.



Greetings luci,

You are right of course, my expectation that he keeps me only on his own terms is being met... If not, I'd walk in a heartbeat.
Basically I guess I have the expectation that he does not take my expectations into consideration in any way.
Wait.... so by doing that he's doing the opposite? See now what you have done, you're confusing me. [8D]

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I do not have expectation as to how he fills in what slavery means to him. He can keep me as a spoiled princess if he likes, or chained, naked, half-starved and sleeping on wet concrete... It's his choice, and with neither I would feel like my expectations weren't being met, simple because the only thing I expect is that he makes that choice.

I wish you well,

ishy



sweetgirlserves -> RE: Is it wrong to receive what you give? (7/5/2009 9:16:40 AM)

Hi ishy,

I have always thought that the greatest need of a Gorean slavegirl is for her Master to not really care about her needs.   In not caring about her needs, he actually fufills them.  

~sgs



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