Bored with Kink: A Femdom's Dilemma (Full Version)

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Venatrix -> Bored with Kink: A Femdom's Dilemma (7/6/2009 5:37:50 PM)

I've suspected this for a while, but today's strap-on thread finally clinched it for me:  I'm bored with kink.  Instead of thinking how hot and exciting the stories were, my mental response was . . . <yawn>.  We cover the same topics with same answers over and over and over again.  Right now, cleaning out the cat's litter box seems more exciting than tying someone down and beating him.

I haven't had a proper scene in over a year.  I started to have one with someone in March, but he panicked five minutes into it, so I cut the ropes and let him up.  Not very fulfilling, as you can imagine, so there aren't any recent happy memories to go on.

On top of it all, the endless begging e-mails that scream, "pick me, pick me, pick me" just wear me out.  I haven't, for many months, been bothered even to read most of them, never mind answering them.  I am in contact with a few people I really like, but I'm not interested in being more than friends for the time being.

I feel like selling my toys and vanilla sex sounds oddly exciting.  When I've been in this mood before, I've taken a couple of weeks off from CM, but I'm wondering if that's long enough. I'm thinking of hiding my profile for an extended period and staying off of the boards.  If you've been in this situation before, what has worked to pull you out of it? 

Because of a life-changing situation coming up in a few months, for which I'm preparing now, any sort of playtime is out of the question - I just don't have the time, nor, obviously, the desire.  So, other than that, what would you suggest?  Is an extended break the answer?  Are there other tricks that would re-kindle my interest in men and kink that I ought to consider?  Books I ought to read?

I'd primarily like to hear from female dominants; female submissives experience some of the same issues, in terms of being overwhelmed with attention, so your opinions would be helpful, too. 



StoneFox -> RE: Bored with Kink: A Femdom's Dilemma (7/6/2009 5:46:31 PM)

I get what you're feeling, I really do. This happens to me too sometimes...I just sort of fall out of love with BDSM for a while. What I do is I take off from it until the urge comes up again. I don't try to force it because that's just depressing...feeling like I SHOULD feel a certain way but I don't.

I think the urge will come back to you in it's own. For now, don't be hard on yourself about it. Hide your profile and stay off the site, enjoy vanilla lovemaking and various vanilla pursuits to the fullest. It's your life---enjoy it :)

I know that *I* certainly won't think less of you as a Domme for taking a break, regardless of how longf that break needs to be. Afterall, dominant women are people first.



LdyyR -> RE: Bored with Kink: A Femdom's Dilemma (7/6/2009 6:04:37 PM)

I took two years off from this site, and it helped for a short time.   I truly understand where you are coming from.  I'm, once again, just about where you are.   Kink isn't losing its appeal, partnering up has lost its appeal.  

Do what you need to do to feel revived.



AAkasha -> RE: Bored with Kink: A Femdom's Dilemma (7/6/2009 6:23:46 PM)


I have no idea. I don't get it. While I may get kind of burnt out on the labels of BDSM, "community," safewords, blah blah, at the end of the day, when I wake up in the morning, I have (on a regular enough basis) a burning need to see a man suffer for me.  I had it before I knew what S&M was, before collarme existed and before the WWW existed...it's just wired into my sexuality and my intimacy.

That said, while I may grow tired of "men" and drama and the stuff that goes on related to 'communicating about S&M with the kinky people' or screening subs, nothing is going to remove that urge/need/lust/compulsion to do bondage and S&M - even if it's totally casual.  My biggest challenge is keeping it fresh with my primary and negotiating the trials of a newly "open relationship" despite being hard-wired as monogamous. 

But the urge to do s&M is just there.  I used to think I would grow out of it. I didn't.  It's not something I do, it's something I am.  When you are kissing, fondling, caressing - doesn't the animal just come out?  It's so interlaced with my 'affecionate' side, I can't really detangle them. 

Take a break from the stuff that burns you out, and see what is left at the core..

Akasha



CallaFirestormBW -> RE: Bored with Kink: A Femdom's Dilemma (7/6/2009 6:31:43 PM)

I'll be honest. I'm an introvert. I don't necessarily get -bored- with BDSM or authority exchange or whatever, but every so often I get this overwhelming urge to just find a cave somewhere and pull it over my head until I'm damned good and ready to come out again.

I took a break from the boards as well, several months ago, though it was a short one... but I came back to discover that I've changed, yet again, as a person, which has changed me, yet again, in how I feel about expressing my dominance, and in how I integrate in the House as Matriarch and Keeper... which is why, as of last night, I turned the Matriarchy of the House back over to SR. She was ready, and, frankly, I crave just putting my words down on paper (virtual or otherwise) and not having to speak.

SR has started looking for a permanent servant, and, frankly, I am almost dreading it. All I can think of is that my marvelous peace, and absolute dominion over my space and my time will be cut short by someone wandering in my house and poking in my things and expecting my attention, and waving his little penis into all my sacred corners... when all I -really- want to give my attention to right now is my writing... heck, I even resent having to integrate with other people at -work-.

I commiserate. If you find any answers, please let me know.

DC



Reigna -> RE: Bored with Kink: A Femdom's Dilemma (7/6/2009 6:48:36 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
My biggest challenge is ... negotiating the trials of a newly "open relationship" despite being hard-wired as monogamous.


Why would you do this in contravention of what you know to be your own nature? Just curious.

quote:

Take a break from the stuff that burns you out, and see what is left at the core.


That's good advice. I'd say drop everything, most especially the boards and "trying" to meet submissive men. Dip into the vanilla world and see how that goes. Don't sell all the toys--save a few favorites. (When I did this, I hung on to my electrical play kit. God knows what I thought I'd do with it in the vanilla world.)

My guess? To quote the song, "You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave." Been there, done that, and the lyricists were absolutely right in more ways than they knew.

But do check out. The pause refreshes.






AAkasha -> RE: Bored with Kink: A Femdom's Dilemma (7/6/2009 7:23:57 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Reigna

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
My biggest challenge is ... negotiating the trials of a newly "open relationship" despite being hard-wired as monogamous.


Why would you do this in contravention of what you know to be your own nature? Just curious.







I was raised to be monogamous**; I want an open relationship.  Working out what that means is a very complicated process and one I am committed to solving with my primary partner, but we're not in a mad rush about it. We just communicate about it, take small steps, and re-evaluate as we go. When I say "open relationship" I don't have desires to have multiple romantic relationships, I just want play partners.  I guess your mileage may vary when you ask people what "play partner" means; I prefer casual relationships, heavy on the S&M. It seems to be working well for us.  We're still trying to define "kissing" however. Is it an act of romance, an act of lust, an act of sexuality or an act of dominance?

** Being raised in a family with a long history of zero divorces and happy traditional marriages, it's hard to de-wire oneself from the big house, white picket fence ideal. I like to tie up and torment lots of men, it doesn't mean I don't love my husband; so long as we both agree on what's what.



LovingMistress45 -> RE: Bored with Kink: A Femdom's Dilemma (7/6/2009 7:37:50 PM)

I don't know if I became bored so much as overwhelmed with day to day life.  I personally needed to just withdraw and I did for about 4 years.  Sometimes you just have to do what you need to do for yourself.



rouletteslave -> RE: Bored with Kink: A Femdom's Dilemma (7/6/2009 7:39:29 PM)

A view kink as merely one aspect of ones sexuality. As such, I think we tend to go overboard in terms of how we define our identity in terms of our sexual preferences. I think the whole thing is really empty in the absence of context of doing it with that one special someone.



Venatrix -> RE: Bored with Kink: A Femdom's Dilemma (7/6/2009 8:09:24 PM)

Fast reply:  Lots of good advice here, for which I thank everyone; it's starting to sound like the consensus is to take a break for however long is necessary.

In response to your comments, Akasha, the urge to dominate doesn't kick in with the men that I'm with because I'm *not* with any men.  I've been on five dates in a year and a half, and not one of those was a second date.  I was willing to play in March because I hoped that would re-kindle the desire to top, but I wasn't really all that into the person, and the afternoon went south so quickly that I never got the chance to find out.  He'd behaved rather badly before we met, and I found that I wasn't the forgive-and-forget type to the extent that I thought I was.  The scene a year earlier started out only as "show and tell," but became a bit more than that, and I had a great time.  Unfortunately, his commitments to his kids meant that we had trouble getting together, and then it just fizzled completely. 

I have no desire to top any guy who comes along.  I need to have that mental connection with someone; otherwise, men don't even really register on my radar, they're just "people."  I think the trick is to find someone who rings that bell for me, but the question is, how do I motivate myself even to look for or respond to him in the first place?  It's really a pity we can't plant seeds and have them grow into the appropriate sub (not "shrub"), just add water and fertiliser.

Edited to add:  I've hidden my profile, so that's a start.  I'll be reading this thread from time to time, but may or may not respond.  I'd like to thank you again for your input.



penitentialarts -> RE: Bored with Kink: A Femdom's Dilemma (7/6/2009 9:47:03 PM)

This is a problem that can affect all sorts of folks, despite role or gender.

I am a bisexual switch (male), but I have spent the majority of the last 12 years in a heterosexual dominant role.  I have taken several breaks along the way, and am just now coming out of the latest one.  There are several things that have led to the breaks I have taken - local scene politics, vanilla life issues, and more.  Ultimately, though, I find that I'm just bored with the same-old, same-old.

The local scene is also pretty watered down.  The local "public" dungeon doesn't allow you to touch anyone's genitals unless it is with the intent to cause pain, and the dungeon monitors stop scenes where the sub is being "too loud."  There are some good private parties that attract more experience people, but they are fewer and farther between.  A lot of the older, more experienced folks have left the scene, and there is a certain "blind leading the blind" quality to many groups, since most of them are relatively new to things.

When it comes to finding submissives, more are wanting to de-emphasize the S&M and focus more (or sometimes exclusively) on the D/s.  Fewer are interested in the edgier, more primal side of things, and more seem to be swept up in the Harlequin-style romanticization of BDSM relationships.  A lot of subs today seem to be focused on the de-sexualization of BDSM, too.

Fuck that.  I want the dark side of things - intensity, fear (when appropriate), pain, mindfucks, mind-altering experiences, lust, and everything else that is hard to find in vanilla relationships.  Without that, it's just roleplaying, bad poetry, dressing up in kinky clothes, and whining, which is boring as hell.

After surveying the current local landscape, I finally decided a few months ago to explore other areas of my sexuality.  I had not actually had sex with a man before, so I tried that.  I loved it.  I had never done a BDSM scene with another man, so I tried that, too.  I enjoyed it, but the two of us just didn't click in other ways.  I am currently in negotations with a "sissy" who wants to be feminized - if it works out, I bet I will enjoy that, too.  Though it may sound like it, I'm not being promiscuous - I'm just going through the cycle of dating people in the hopes of finding a long-term, monogamous relationship.

I would love to find a relationship with a dominant woman, but there don't seem to be many out there who are single, looking for a male submissive, and not into cuckolding, orgasm denial, and chastity (I just can't get into those things).

I also decided to try looking in different places than I have in the past.  Though I have ads here and on other similar kinky/fetish/BDSM personals sites, I decided to try some mostly vanilla ones and CraigsList.  The vanilla ones haven't worked (I didn't really expect them to), but I have had some great luck on CraigsList, of all things (to my great surprise). 

I have found that once you sort out the ones who are looking for one-night stands, the ones who are looking for money, the one-liners, etc., maybe 1% of the advertisers are actually interesting.  When you look at how many ads get posted on there, though, you realize that a 1% return actually results in a pretty high number of people.  I don't mind deleting 99 emails to find one that is worth replying to - it's a numbers game, and I don't get offended by one-line emails like "swm, looking to fuck 2-night" with penis pictures attached.  I don't answer them, because I don't have time for people who won't take the time to write a decent email, but I don't get insulted, either.

The local scene will probably look more interesting to me down the line, but right now I'm just bored with it, like you are.  Exploring some new sexual/relationship avenues is getting me excited again, though, and I have found over the years that taking breaks from the scene can be very refreshing, too.

- Jesse



FullfigRIMAAM1 -> RE: Bored with Kink: A Femdom's Dilemma (7/6/2009 11:25:23 PM)

I become disinterested in kink often, because for me, it is specifically to connect and attempt a D/s or M/s partnership.   
When I began learning, there was lots of energy and enthusiasm, and I met a few wonderful people.   Now the meetings are few and far between, probably because I'm more precise in my search; I get bored with the lame emails that mostly address the woman (or more accurately service top) they hope me to be, rather than the woman I am.
I take time away when I lack the sense of humor to attempt a courteous response; I take time away when I'm more involved with family and cannot put any energy into relationship formation; I definitely take time away, when I need to be alone and to get back to center.    Kink is not even a little important to me, outside of a relationship...   An intimate relationship is not important to me without a power exchange structure.   
Do what you need to do to be okay, and good luck.    M



SmokeSerpent -> RE: Bored with Kink: A Femdom's Dilemma (7/7/2009 2:21:12 AM)

It definitely sounds like an extended leave-of-absence is in order. Hide your profile, and resist the urge to log in just out of boredom. If and when you really *want* to come back, this'll still be here.



LadyPact -> RE: Bored with Kink: A Femdom's Dilemma (7/7/2009 3:16:02 AM)

This was already mentioned, but before anything else that I say here, please take this as honest advice.  Don't sell or give away the toys.  Every person that I've talked to who has decided to stop doing wiitwd for whatever reason and gave up the toys, regretted it in one way or another.  It was suggested earlier to keep a few favorites and ditch the rest.  I'd actually suggest keeping it all.  If you feel differently after a significant amount of time has past, you can always get rid of the items later.  At the very least, you could research a kink friendly charitable event so some good could come from it.

Now about the important part.  From a play perspective, I think you and I come from different places.  When it comes to casual play, some people do and some people don't.  While I'm grouped in the former, I can completely understand and respect those in the latter.  I think you may see casual play the way I see casual physical sex.  Without an emotional bond, I'm just honestly not that interested.  Periods of self imposed celibacy aren't a major issue to Me.  Discussions about sex may actually bore Me.  (In ways, it kind of comes in handy being an Army wife.)  After long periods of abstinence, yes vanilla sex sounds hot to Me, too.  I can even sit here and list the positives of casual physical sex, some of which would apply to casual play as well, such as exercise, better mental health, etc., that I know are beneficial.  They just don't matter to Me if I don't have the part that's important to Me.

I'm not going to suggest that you change your views on casual to alleviate your boredom or anything else.  What I'm saying here is since you're not being fulfilled in this area, that's probably where the boredom is stemming from.  You could apply the principle to just about anything.  If you loved to sail boats but you hadn't been on the water for a while, you lose touch with the things that you enjoy about it.  The longer that lasts, the more you disassociate, and from that, your drive can go down.  If you were on the boat and it was a good outing, you might immediately realize again why you love it so much.  If you go out and sink the ship (like what happened on your encounter last March) you're probably not going to recapture the thrill of sailing or be all that enthusiastic to go out again.

I can't tell you if it's time to take a break, V.  If you're not having any personal fulfillment come from it just now, maybe it is a good idea.  I wouldn't worry about the unimportant things.  No offense to the forum gods and all, but CM is pretty far down on the list in life.  Yes, some (ok maybe all) of the topics are repetitive in a sense, but you have to admit that they are good for a laugh.  We all need that.

The important thing is to do what makes you happy and add positives to your existence.





GeorgiaMaam -> RE: Bored with Kink: A Femdom's Dilemma (7/7/2009 4:47:38 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: FullfigRIMAAM1
Now the meetings are few and far between, probably because I'm more precise in my search; I get bored with the lame emails that mostly address the woman (or more accurately service top) they hope me to be, rather than the woman I am.


I completely relate to this.  I'm bored silly with the "gimme gimme" emails from men behaving badly, as they so often do on any kind of dating websites.

I would far prefer subs did not make initial contact with me, and have that in my profile.   I prefer to read profiles and contact those that interest me - I have no issues whatsoever with that.   That's obviously become a problem because 1:   Very few profiles interest me, and 2.  Given the 25 or so emails that I recieved yesterday, clearly they aren't interested in ME (you know, the person that they'd actually be in the relationship with) enough to even bother reading my profile. 

I've never had a problem meeting and dating men, and continue to do so when someone interests me.   Honestly, as much as kink is something I enjoy, I'm at the point where I feel that it's not worth putting up with the nonsense that seems to go hand in hand with trying to meet self-identified submissive men and the BS that goes along with it. 



CatdeMedici -> RE: Bored with Kink: A Femdom's Dilemma (7/7/2009 5:30:45 AM)

I have felt something similar as you V and on a few occasions--I can't get bored with being a D as that is who I am--period. But I did get bored with the search--and just as LP said when I was about to get rid of the toys, I knew I would regret it--they are manifestations of who I am.
 
So just when I was about to close the chapter, there is a "next genner" in My house who is starting down the path--I'm a go to person these days, so it has renewed and reinvigorated a new side of Me--and plop out of the sky, here comes a boy--( and here is where I hear Steel say, "alrighty Missy out of the things you were looking for how many did he have?"  He had four of 10 and they were the four key ones...[;)]) I have no idea where its going and if it doesn't its ok--because I have always been and will always be a D, its just that a relationship may not be in the cards-its a desire, not a need and that's where My growth has ocurred--I am secure in My life, I don't need a relationship to be fulfilled, its something I desire, however, if it doesn't happen, life isn't over. Wil I miss those kinky moments with a boy, sure, but it doesn't change Me, how I approach life or who at the end of the day--I am.
 
So we will see where this new wrinkle takes Me and yes when you least expect it, something happens.
 
Keep the faith V.



PeonForHer -> RE: Bored with Kink: A Femdom's Dilemma (7/7/2009 6:15:15 AM)

Get to the UK, get to a pub to meet me, and we'll get slaughtered.  End of problem.



DianeB269 -> RE: Bored with Kink: A Femdom's Dilemma (7/7/2009 6:56:59 AM)

Venatrix

I've been feeling the same way for the last 2 or 3 months....I am bored with the whole BDSM thing .

Diane



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Bored with Kink: A Femdom's Dilemma (7/7/2009 8:05:27 AM)

I am right with Lady Pact on the do NOT sell the toys!!  Just put them away neatly and consider it preliminary packing.

I absolutely understand being tired of the search.  I know I am!  I have many friends in the scene, if I want to play, I can play (schedules allowing [>:]) but by and large...  meh.  I go to parties to see my friends, and when I am not chatting, am bored silly.   But, I am a perv.  (The dominant part comes with the territory.)  I've thought in the past I could just swan off into vanillaville, and I can't do it.  Sooner or later I slip up, or express some kind of "preference", or heaven help me, BITE someone, and the jig's up.  I am what I am.

I will not begin to tell you how tedious I am finding the boards.  If it were not for the Banter Zone, I wouldn't be here much.

So, chill out, take a step back, have a pedicure.  How bad can summer in SFO be? 



VampiresLair -> RE: Bored with Kink: A Femdom's Dilemma (7/7/2009 8:18:52 AM)

I had gotten bored with the scene after my divorce, because all every male sub I met wanted was a selfish fulfillment of HIS kinks and interests and I felt more like a prop then I did an Domme. So, I stopped looking. I came on here to the boards and gave advice, I chatted with friends I already had but I hid my profile and didnt get any of the annoying whiny selfish male sub intros that had driven me away. I occasionally commented on photos of others, but I stopped searching. I could still be helpful, with at that point still 10 years experience under my belt, but I had 0 desire for someone of my own. I had an open relationship with a dominant I met on here, which between us was vanilla for the most part and the farthest it went to kink was talking about other people we might date during foreplay since that turned him on.

Funny thing about breaks, those are when I have had my best luck meeting people. I met Angel during the aforementioned break when I made a completely unrelated comment to him about a network issue he was having at school. He was a slave, but we werent talking on that level and so it never turned into the whiny let me serve you stuff, and the completely natural progression rekindled my interests more than anything contrived could have.  You find the best things when you arent looking.
I met Fox similiarly, when I was taking a break after Angel and I hit a bump in our road together when he started exploring his dominant side, and with that had less time for me. I was starting to reconsider being in the lifestyle again, becasue it was getting boring and stereotypical and predictable. Then I met Fox, again, without an interest in having him serve but just talking to him as a mentor. We clicked unexpectedly.

Walk away, and dont think about people as dom and sub for a while. Just get to know people when the chance arises, dont worry about matches and the like. If you want to be a hermit for a while, then avoid everyone, if not chat with those that catch your interest for a change. You never know, you might find just what you need completely by accident.

DV



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