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Blindfolds - 7/6/2009 6:55:23 PM

Missokyst

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I know a lot of people enjoy wearing blindfolds but I am not one. If I take off my glasses I am sufficiently blind (by definition, legally blind without lenses) enough to require my partner be in my face so I can connect. If I focus on my partner I can experience a rapid climb into space. If I am forced to wear a blindfold I rely on my other senses to adjust to the world around me and it takes me forever (if I can) to get to a comfy plane. I can hear every sound, feel every move behind me, I am so busy relating to my blindness it is very hard to get into play.

I am a masochist so the play is more than doable for me even if I wear a blindfold. But it lacks the connection to my partner that I need for a satisfying experience. The maso in me becomes more like an object that is used for someone else's experience. But as one who enjoys pain, lacking that connection I am prevented from reaching that level.

My partner is a lovely man who enjoys using blindfolds so I can be focused only on sensation. I have mentioned before I don't care for blindfolds but I don't think he gets it. We have been friends for over a decade and I am at a loss how I can make this more clear to him. It is somewhat ok because I don't play often but it would be nice to find a gentle way to let him know I am not getting anything from our play.

Any suggestions? Also, are there things your partner enjoys that you only tolerate? What do you do?
Kyst

Post #: 1

RE: Blindfolds - 7/6/2009 7:56:22 PM

kuriouswitch

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Blindfolds for me are something I'm still getting used to for other reasons, mainly lots of bad associations to the dark, but near blindness without glasses as well; for me blindfolds aren't always a pleasant thing; so i can understand your point about not liking them. As for how to tell him so he understands... you said you don't play often, maybe ask him to limit the blindfold. Ask him if you can wear it in the beginning of play so that he gets to use it but half way through, or when things start getting heated up and it's time for you to hit subspace he can remove it or find a way you can take it off, if your arms are above your head I've found I can rub the side of the blindfold against my arm and work it off that way, or move the back of your head just right and make the elastic slide up and it comes off that way.

As for other things that I may not particularly like but he enjoys, there's a few of those but he knows I don't enjoy them and so limits them to just every so often. Because it's not often it doesn't matter much to me and I just go with it. Master enjoys it when I get pleasure as well, only rarely does he not allow me some kind of pleasure, so if he does do somethign he knows I'm not fond of he makes up for it other ways.

(in reply to Missokyst)

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RE: Blindfolds - 7/7/2009 3:59:20 AM

ranja

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I love my blind fold...rediculous as it sounds i feel like i can see more with it on... i also suspect it gives my Man more freedom and confidence, no need to suck in that belly and for all i know He pulls silly faces at me or does something else that i would not necessarily respond to in a 'good' way if i saw it... but He might think is extremely hot...

It might help your man if you look like you have a blindfold on but maybe use a see through scarf or something so you can still see, you only look like you are blinded, maybe a mask with small eyeholes in it?

or suggest sometimes with and sometimes without... maybe he is open for compromise?

< Message edited by ranja -- 7/7/2009 4:00:59 AM >

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 3

RE: Blindfolds - 7/7/2009 5:18:51 AM

CNJDom

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From: Southern NJ
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There are blindfolds and there are blindfolds...you can get creative here. Try again to explain to him that you are sufficiently blind without them and it's better for you to focus on Him as you are without your glasses. You can even demonstrate what it looks like when you have your glasses off by trying to recreate what you see. Show him how fuzzy the world is and out of focus it is and how you see movement and color, but darkness distracts. Let him know that others work well differently with different things, and though he loves blindfolds and thinks that there is little difference between you seeing things out of focus and in the dark, that there is a difference for you. When you play with him, do you keep your eyes open? Some subs will instinctively close their eyes. If you did, then it wouldn't matter if the blindfold was on or not really.

You can compromise as well. Their are glasses out there that are used for meditative purposes using a light pattern of embedded LED lights that are designed to give a little light show while you wear them. These glasses also come with a model that can be connected to a sound source the will provide the signal strength and pattern play to the music. He gets his blindfold (since you can't see out of them), and you get to relax and see the "pretty colors" dancing away to the music or relax into the light show. Goggles can also be worn with modified lenses. Say to put a black or opaque dot in the center of the lenses that would inhibit direct sight, but allow you to see off to the sides. You can still see the world and things just not directly. Just a thought and probably not exactly for both of you, but this is an option where you get a little of what works for you , and he gets a little of what he desires.

You are submitting to your Dominant, and probably feel a little uncomfortable in explaining your position in this. Some will say that you need to suck it up and do what he wants from you. That his will you are submitting to. This is true to a certain extent. But he is also there for you, and wants you to be happy and in good shape more than just physically for MORE play. Another compromise is to negotiate where you have the blindfold on only part of the time. This is up to you on how to deal with it's effects. Think about where it would LEAST impede on your experience first off...that is important. This will give you both the maximum benefit of the experience. Make it a part of ritual instead of a hurdle to overcome. Embrace it instead of running from it. You want to please and he wants the blindfold. So do both. If in the beginning you are better with it or later on when you're "under" then perhaps that may be a good time to embrace his desire for the blindfold through a more ritualistic blinding...you know what I mean? Make it a part of the play later into the session. Good luck with it however and hope it works out for you and your Dominant!

< Message edited by CNJDom -- 7/7/2009 5:21:08 AM >

(in reply to ranja)

Post #: 4

RE: Blindfolds - 7/7/2009 5:26:24 AM

servantforuse

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Ask him to use a black or other dark pillow case. You will not be able to see and your glasses could remain on....

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RE: Blindfolds - 7/7/2009 6:05:31 AM

Missokyst

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In this case he is not my dominant, he is just an old friend I have known for years that happens to be dominant. So far he is the only man I have felt was ok to play with as neither of us has expectations of it becoming more. I feel no inherent need to please him or serve, though I always end up giving him a massage and finding I have a desire to make sure he is doing ok, physically. I assume that is a result of play and the endorphins that arise which spark other feelings.
Like Kurious, I also have issues with the dark, but mine are mostly manageable if I know someone is with me. I do trust him and know he would never leave me alone. He is a great guy and I don't know why I cannot be more vocal on what works and what does not for me. I never had these issues even in the beginning with my x. What he (x) couldn't tell by my reaction was easily revealed by me in words.
I don't know. Perhaps the difference is that with the x I was submitting, I knew we were going to be with each other for a while so it seemed logical to get things right. I don't play with this other man that often. It is sort of hard to know when to bring these things up.
Kyst

(in reply to servantforuse)

Post #: 6

RE: Blindfolds - 7/7/2009 7:13:34 AM

Mercnbeth

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I use blindfolds when playing in public and rarely use them at home, even in our play space. At clubs, its so beth's not distracted by others in the room; not necessary when we play at home. I use one called a 'Mindfold'. Mind-fold It's fantastic to block out vision, but allows the wearer to open their eyes without hurting them. It eliminates the problem of eye claustrophobia. There is no pressure on the eyeball because there are cut outs in the spongy material behind the plastic cover.

I do miss looking into her eyes when I use one; but its more than made up for by being able to whisper in her ear all kinds of things. she finds her other sensations heightened. Hearing is the most heightened sense. When she hears me pulling out a new toy she wonders which one it is. Sometimes I play a game and have her guess which one it is, using it on her again until she gets it right. Wattenberg wheels are fun to use. 'Mind-fucks' require a blindfold. How can use warm chocolate coming out of a sharpened tipped squeeze bottle and make her think it's blood dripping down her body from too deep a scratch made with a knife she last saw me put next to her before I put the blindfold on? (Okay - you can only do that once - but it is a great mind-fuck!)

Many people don't like them, especially if it is difficult to give up that level of control. Many times, I've witnessed 'safe-words' being used before any actual activity because the blindfolded person was too frightened to be that helpless. It seems that being blinded is much more scary to them than being bound. I've been told it is a a much deeper feeling of vulnerability; that many don't want to experience unless and until they are with a partner who they share uncompromising trust.

The only way I can suggest to get around that would be to talk through it; a reverse 'mind-fuck'. Talk and tell the blindfolded person exactly what you are doing each step of the way. Whisper in their ear, and explain step by step what you will be using and how. For example, take a bag of cloths pins and when you reach for one rattle your hand around in the bag before putting one on, then whisper in her ear; "I'm reaching for another. Where do you suggest I attach it to you?" Then brush your fingertips over the spot, lick it, breath hotly on it, and slowly attach one. Repeat....

A blindfold is not better or worse but definately a different experience; fun for both of us.

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 7

RE: Blindfolds - 7/7/2009 7:53:10 AM

CreativeDominant

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I like using blindfolds but I have found that, of the submissives I've played with, most felt just as Merc describes: a deep fear at not being able to see what is going on with a heightened awareness of their other senses. Because they cannot see what is coming, they feel that they have to have a higher level of trust in this partner than they do when playing with a "casual" partner. Allowing someone to not only blindfold them but bind them at the same time...because they not only can't see what is coming, they cannot do a thing to stop it...is an indication of an even deeper trust. Because of this feeling on their part, I enjoy building, and appreciate having earned, their trusting in me at a level where they not only feel secure in my using a blindfold with them, they relish it because of my love of mindfucks and my creativity in play.

You noted that he is not your dominant but he is a person whom you trust enough to play with. That trust is on several levels...you trust in his feelings that he does not want to pursue something deeper with you in terms of an ongoing dynamic, you trust him to play with respect for your feelings, you trust him to play as a dominant AND sadistic parter to your submissive AND masochistic urges. Here is where I might get hit for what I say but I am going to urge you to look at it in this way also: It is a fine line you walk because you want to play and have your limits respected as well as your desires fulfilled but on the other hand, if this is an equitable playing arrangement and you want to be cognizant of his wants and needs and desires as both a man and as a dominant, then you must recognize that not all of it can go your way...especially when it comes to something that you have not stated is a hard limit...unless the only intent of play is to just do only what feels good to you and if he gets pleasure, great BUT the form and delivery of that pleasure has to meet your comfort level, not his.

< Message edited by CreativeDominant -- 7/7/2009 8:00:47 AM >

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 8

RE: Blindfolds - 7/7/2009 8:59:30 AM

Missokyst

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Merc until you mentioned claustrophobia I didn't consider that to be a factor. I am highly claustrophobic. I can feel when people are too close to my space and it bothers me when people touch or hug me if I am not ready. In this case trust is not an issue. I never worry about what will be used or when, it matters not if it is knives, needles, paddles, ect., because I am ok with most things. I sometimes wish I had the anxiety when I cannot see but I think I have been silently preparing for blindness most of my life. I dislike the dark but I can walk in it, find items because I know where I put them, ect. Nothing about darkness is erotic to me, it is more like preparation.
Regarding mindfucks.. once in subspace I am pretty much open to any suggestion. Blindfolds are irrelevant at that point because I wouldn't know if I had one on or not. :)
CD, it is indeed a fine line to walk. I am not sure I really want to play but I do it because I need to. Not physically, as I am a maso who can take care of that on my own. But mentally, I need to in order to get some of "me" back after years of not being able to think beyond the x, I know I need to force myself. I play now only when it comes up, always at a party and if I am in the right frame of mind. At a party I feel free in saying no sex, no touching down below, hit me, beat me, hurt me, and that is fine, but I don't want to include a sexual component. He has always been ok with this although he does tell me often I can go to his house and we can go into the more sensual play.
It is very odd but I have never had trust issues regarding physical safety. People talk about trusting your partner enough to let them tie you, ect and that has never been scary for me. Mentally/emotionally though I have barbed wire all around me, come too close and I never know what will happen.
lol shoot I am a freak.

(in reply to CreativeDominant)

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RE: Blindfolds - 7/7/2009 1:03:40 PM

DesFIP

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Saying that you don't care much for blindfolds isn't clear enough. You need to be straight forward and tell him what you've told us. "Hey, could we please not use the damned blindfold. If I can't focus on your face, I often can't get into subspace. It's a lot faster process if I can see you, and yeah I know I'm weird"

Just ask for it. He probably assumes that you space easier with one because most of his past partners have preferred them. He won't get it unless you make it plain. You aren't criticizing him so there's no real need for soft soap. Just say it.

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RE: Blindfolds - 7/7/2009 2:49:46 PM

Missokyst

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I know you are right. I should come out and tell him no blindfolds. I really did try it last time but it always comes out so.. wimpy! He already knows he does not play the same way that I do and I am sure that is an issue for him. That other thread that talks about when one person has much more kink than the other hit home for me. I know I deliberately temper down my play and I guess that also has included the ability to be forceful.
I may try to discuss this with him the next time he takes me out for dinner.
Kyst

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 11

RE: Blindfolds - 7/7/2009 3:08:25 PM

Prinsexx

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I'm into these: (have given a US site but easily available in UK)
http://www.ipmart.com/main/product/GoFit,Flat,Band,Kit,60149.php?prod=60149
The bands can also be bought in rolls and can be tied around the head/eyes or used for restraint.
I love blinfolds and for me it heightens sensation and increases anonymity, which I love.

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RE: Blindfolds - 7/7/2009 5:47:31 PM

Missokyst

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lol yeah blindfolds turn a lot of people on. I was always a freak who loved making love with the lights on, and watching the sweat start to bead on his body. All my senses are constantly on point and I really think it is because my vision sucks that I have made it habit to pick up on other things constantly.
It might be my sight or Merc's suggestion regarding claustrophobia, but I really like to see as long as I can.
Kyst

(in reply to Prinsexx)

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RE: Blindfolds - 7/7/2009 6:23:50 PM

windchymes

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I'm really surprised that there were so many negative-ish comments about blindfolds causing increased fear of the unknown, not knowing what is coming next, heightened awareness and sensitivity, etc. Those very things are what make blindfolds so exciting for me, and I really thought others felt the same. As soon as it goes on my eyes, my heart starts to beat faster....

A partner I used to have would wear a black dress shirt and tie if we played out and partway into the scene, he'd strip off the tie and use it for a blindfold. He felt that it was an intimate, bonding sort of act, rather than just using a regular blind fold. I always thought that was cool.

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RE: Blindfolds - 7/7/2009 6:29:17 PM

Zechriel

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Good evening,
I love them and I can only see vague colors when my glasses are off. Wearing my blindfold allows me to be more open and less inhibited. Have you tried maybe using fishnet material instead of regular cloth? Nylons maybe? Something that you can still see through but he can still say he has you blindfolded? Just a thought, good luck!
Love,
Zechriel

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RE: Blindfolds - 7/7/2009 6:29:22 PM

kallisto

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This sounds kind of silly, but it worked for me when I was first told he wanted to use blindfolds. I have worn glasses since late teenage years. Take them off and I'm blind as bat (not as in legally blind), but to me blind as a bat. He would put the blindfold on over my glasses. I had the sense of security of my glasses (and of being able to see - even though I couldn't because of the blindfold) which was a comfort to me. I began to thoroughly enjoy the blindfold because as others have said, my other senses kicked into overdrive which sometimes will take a backseat to my sight. You may be able to get use to one enough to enjoy it on occasion.

Just a suggestion...

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 16

RE: Blindfolds - 7/7/2009 7:09:35 PM

dreamerdreaming

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

I have mentioned before I don't care for blindfolds but I don't think he gets it. We have been friends for over a decade and I am at a loss how I can make this more clear to him. It is somewhat ok because I don't play often but it would be nice to find a gentle way to let him know I am not getting anything from our play.

Any suggestions? Also, are there things your partner enjoys that you only tolerate? What do you do?
Kyst

What's wrong with just telling him the blindfold is totally blowing it for you? That its making subspace extremely difficult for you to get to...

Seriously. This guy has been a friend of yours for over a decade, you trust him to blindfold you and whatever else... But you can't trust him with your true feelings? You hafta hide away this vital information from him? How is he supposed to deliver you to subspace, if he is lacking such basic information from you? Clearly you have not conveyed to him properly the depth of your feelings on the matter. Why not? If he's just a friend with benefits, what have you got to lose? The benefits? The friendship? What is really going on here???

If my sub, even just a friend, were "not getting anything from our play", I would need to know right now, yesterday. Otherwise how would I fix it? If he told me clearly that the blindfold was really messing things up for him, I'd want to fix that right away. If he didn't tell me the scope of the problem... If he just acted like he was having a great time, while the whole time he was really struggling in an attempt to enjoy himself... How would I know what was really going on? Get out my tea leaves and Ouija board? Do a Vulcan mind- meld? If I found out my slaveboy didn't feel comfortable talking openly to me about anything and everything to do with his D/s needs and preferences, I'd take it as an indication of a major fear, or lack of trust, on his part.

If the submissive is unable to communicate their needs and desires adequately, the dominant will be robbed of the chance to address them properly. Plain and simple.

My suggestion: Show him your OP. That will tell him quickly and clearly what you have been unable to verbalize to him all this time, so that the two of you can begin to find a deeper level of trust, and a more fulfilling experience for both of you.

I hope I'm not sounding too snarky or harsh, OP. Its late, and I'm tired. I'm usually blunt anyway, but please don't be put off by my legitimate concerns. Really- what is going on here?

Good luck with this.

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(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 17

RE: Blindfolds - 7/7/2009 7:27:27 PM

krikket

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While i love blindfolds and often go into a heightened state of sensitivity, all the rest of my senses all but tap dancing with joy, i can understand why someone might not like them, hate them and/or fear them. Perhaps You can build up to wearing one -- semi-transparent material, opaque material, etc. i loved looking into my Dom's eyes -- it focuses me in a totally different ways, but since light can sometimes give me a headache i've found it's better for me to use one, more often than not. YMMV, of course.

cheers,
jimini

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RE: Blindfolds - 7/8/2009 5:34:22 AM

Missokyst

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LOL yes I know most people enjoy them. I am a freak in somethings. I don't have a lot of fear of what happens to me physically so blindfolds never enhance a thing. I used to date someone many years ago that I was so in tune with, when he would be within 2 miles of me I would feel him. He was the same way, only he got goosebumps. I hear people talk of heightened sensitivity all the time but for me that is built in to every day living.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: windchymes

I'm really surprised that there were so many negative-ish comments about blindfolds causing increased fear of the unknown, not knowing what is coming next, heightened awareness and sensitivity, etc. Those very things are what make blindfolds so exciting for me, and I really thought others felt the same. As soon as it goes on my eyes, my heart starts to beat faster....

(in reply to windchymes)

Post #: 19

RE: Blindfolds - 7/8/2009 5:35:40 AM

Missokyst

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Hmmmm fishnet and nylons if loose might be ok. But I don't suppose that is his intent. Personally I have few inhibitions once I am on. It might be a lingering habit from my stage dancing days. lol it has to be because I am not in the same shape I was when I danced.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: Zechriel

Good evening,
I love them and I can only see vague colors when my glasses are off. Wearing my blindfold allows me to be more open and less inhibited. Have you tried maybe using fishnet material instead of regular cloth? Nylons maybe? Something that you can still see through but he can still say he has you blindfolded? Just a thought, good luck!
Love,
Zechriel

< Message edited by Missokyst -- 7/8/2009 5:38:04 AM >

(in reply to Zechriel)

Post #: 20

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