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Past experiences? - 2/16/2006 3:31:18 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		When you are considering a submissive who has real time experience and you ask them about their past experiences, do you really want to know about them? Are you intimidated by their experiences or their experience level in a way that makes you feel inferior or that you may not be able to live up to them?

Do you feel that they will have expectations of you to excel beyond experiences of their past? Or is it possible that sometimes you are worrying about living up to your expectations of their expectations...if that makes sense?

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"
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RE: Past experiences? - 2/16/2006 3:34:47 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

When you are considering a submissive who has real time experience and you ask them about their past experiences, do you really want to know about them?

Absolutely. I can drive people crazy asking about details and going over an experience again and again in different ways, focusing on different aspects.

quote:

Are you intimidated by their experiences or their experience level in a way that makes you feel inferior or that you may not be able to live up to them?

I can be, but it doesn't prevent me from enjoying what is there to be enjoyed. We just talk about it and go where we can.
quote:


Do you feel that they will have expectations of you to excel beyond experiences of their past?

I'd hope not and if I felt they did I'd correct it real fast.
quote:


Or is it possible that sometimes you are worrying about living up to your expectations of their expectations...if that makes sense?

Sometimes sure, but again, I'm aware of it and let them know about it.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: Past experiences? - 2/16/2006 3:39:14 PM   
MysticalPhoenix


Posts: 212
Joined: 11/30/2005
From: Kelloggsville, Vanilla County MI
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

When you are considering a submissive who has real time experience and you ask them about their past experiences, do you really want to know about them? Are you intimidated by their experiences or their experience level in a way that makes you feel inferior or that you may not be able to live up to them?



I definitely want to know not only what they've done in the past, but what they've enjoyed, what mistakes have been made and what they've learned from them. I am also open about my own experiences, my own mistakes and the lessons I've learned. How better to ensure that both people are on the same page when it comes to bdsm, as well as other things.

My new boy has had more years of experience than I have had (not surprising, he's considerably older than I am, and I came late to bdsm) but I see no reason to be intimidated by it, or to worry about expectations.

Will I make mistakes with him, and he with me? Of course, we are after all, only human. But, as long as we keep the lines of communication open, learn from our mistakes, etc., it's not a problem.

Our past makes us who we are now, just as what we do now is creating the person we will be in the future.

Phoenix

_____________________________

---------------------------------------------------------
Every one sees what you appear to be, few really know what you are.

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RE: Past experiences? - 2/16/2006 4:25:35 PM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MysticalPhoenix
I definitely want to know not only what they've done in the past, but what they've enjoyed, what mistakes have been made and what they've learned from them. I am also open about my own experiences, my own mistakes and the lessons I've learned. How better to ensure that both people are on the same page when it comes to bdsm, as well as other things.


She's gone and done it again! erm... What Phoenix just said... me too!

As for being intimidated, why? If they have more experience in an area than I have then I'm likely to learn something, something more than just about them that is. If they have done and enjoyed something that I haven't tried before and it isn't one of my hard limits then I want to know as much as I can both to see if it might be something I'd seriously consider and if so what skills I might need to learn in order to ensure doing so safely. etc.

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RE: Past experiences? - 2/16/2006 4:48:53 PM   
PlayfulOne


Posts: 1047
Status: offline 		In a nutshell yes, I want to know about their past experiences both good and bad. I want to know what they took from the experiences, and where they would like some things to go. My little one had a horrible experinece with a crop, knowing this helped guide how I introduced one into our play. We have shared my past experiences as well, I think it is just part of learning one another.

I don't see any reason to be intimidated. you are who you are, just learn and grow

K

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RE: Past experiences? - 2/16/2006 6:53:53 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
I assume your talking about Lifestyle experiences. But I am interested in learning about all experiences of someone I am interested in. When kyra and I connected we likely spent 50 percent of our time just talking about past experiences and all that came from them. In part we are the sum of our experiences, so it was very important that I not only understood kyra's experiences, but shared mine. I wouldn't say intimidated by experiences, but we had certain concerns of the past that affected us. We all come with that baggage of the past and I think the fact that we share experiences allows us to deal with the baggage in a forthright and effective manner. I am not interested in reliving an experience, I live now to build a better future. Past experiences are just that in the past! I would be very disinteresting in anyone that can only seem to live in their past... for good or bad.

Expectations no matter what they are ... Need to be achievable and reasonable. So, I am focused on ensuring both mine and my girls expectations are exactly that. Unrealistic expectations are a sure road to relationship chaos.



_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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RE: Past experiences? - 2/16/2006 7:21:50 PM   
truesub4u


Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline 		Mist... great posting... I say this because I was talking to Master about this the other day. Wondering if perhaps I had more experiance as a sub than he has had with subs. Or on the other hand.. him having more experinace with subs, than this one can submit to.

I know in vanilla relationships.. for the most part, I don't want to hear about former lovers. But I do see things differently as far as M/s relationships. Because I am curious as to why one relationship did end. And as I listen, I find myself trying to grasp if there's more to it than what I am hearing. It is hard to know exactly... you know the whole story.. all one sided and all. I even feel unconfortable talking about former Doms, and lovers with Master.... though he asks these questions. I hate answering them. All though I do. ( I Live by the say.. if you're not sure you want to know that answer... don't ask that question... the answer may not be what you want it to be)

No matter what the question is.. I know he asks me to see if I have a limit on it.. like.. dislike... etc... I just hate when the question is asked.... did you enjoy it?.. how did it make you feel? I do worry if he's trying to see if i'm missing a former Dom or lover because they may of done some better.... taken me higher while doing it. I worry if this bothers him thinking I do not enjoy something with him as much as I might of with another.

But yet again, on the other hand, I worry that he enjoyed things with other subs... that he can't enjoy with me, because of medical problems... limits.. or just simply not into as much as perhaps his former submissive might of been.

Luckily I don't sit and dwell on these things or I would go spastic. But they are thoughts that do sneak in once in awhile. I wish I can say we at least can sit and talk this out.. but not always.. because that's when it really starts nagging at me. So I try to change the subject, or tell him point blank I feel this is one of the off limits conversations. We have allowed ourselves the saftey conversations back off. Then it's decided if he's a never to be brought up again topic.. or just a back burner.. this helps in not butting heads and arguing.

< Message edited by truesub4u -- 2/16/2006 7:32:20 PM >

_____________________________

Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

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RE: Past experiences? - 2/16/2006 7:55:48 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		When Master became interested in working with me, i was required to write a complete report on every sexual experience i had. It was his way of getting in my head, to know what happened and why, and how i felt about it, and if i liked it, or didn't like it, and why. This report included childhood molestations and a rape. He learned my fears and my desires, then things that sent me running and the things that compelled me to stay. He also saw a pattern i had created, which i was not aware of, and was able to put an end to it immediately.

It was a difficult thing to write, and took me a long time, but worth the effort.

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Past experiences? - 2/16/2006 8:11:39 PM   
HoosierScorpio


Posts: 164
Status: offline 		I do ask their experience they have had so I know it has been good or bad. I have talked with some were their experience was more abusive then real experience in the lifestyle. Some times you need to know that so you can go slow and easy with them when you are first starting out with them. I also want to know what they enjoy also it give you a chance to grow yourself into something they like. I never compare myself to their past experience for every one has certain level of experience and if you allot that to determine what you can do then you will never grow yourself. I think every one should ask the perspective sub or slave their experience so you can determine how far you can go with them or the direction you need them to for your own likes and interest.

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RE: Past experiences? - 2/16/2006 8:51:25 PM   
GoddessDustyGold


Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

When you are considering a submissive who has real time experience and you ask them about their past experiences, do you really want to know about them? Are you intimidated by their experiences or their experience level in a way that makes you feel inferior or that you may not be able to live up to them?

Do you feel that they will have expectations of you to excel beyond experiences of their past? Or is it possible that sometimes you are worrying about living up to your expectations of their expectations...if that makes sense?


Absolutely! If I get to that point, knowing of their past experiences, and them knowing of Mine helps to define expectations on both sides. I am not intimidated, and I do find it helpful in determining the level of submission and whether or not it will meet My expectations. if it is more than I need, then it is a "no go". If it is less or different than what I need then it is a "no go".
So, Interested...Yes! Intimidated...No!

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom


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RE: Past experiences? - 2/16/2006 9:40:15 PM   
Evanesce


Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

When you are considering a submissive who has real time experience and you ask them about their past experiences, do you really want to know about them?


Most definitely.

quote:

Are you intimidated by their experiences or their experience level in a way that makes you feel inferior or that you may not be able to live up to them?


Not usually.

quote:

Do you feel that they will have expectations of you to excel beyond experiences of their past?


It's always possible they might have these expectations, but I'm not terribly concerned about it.

quote:

Or is it possible that sometimes you are worrying about living up to your expectations of their expectations...if that makes sense?


Nope. Since one of the first questions out of my mouth to a potential submissive partner is what their expectations of a Mistress/slave relationship might be, I don't have to bother speculating. If they lie to me, I'll find out soon enough.

_____________________________

Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich


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RE: Past experiences? - 2/16/2006 9:59:44 PM   
Misstoyou


Posts: 1149
Joined: 9/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

When you are considering a submissive who has real time experience and you ask them about their past experiences, do you really want to know about them? Are you intimidated by their experiences or their experience level in a way that makes you feel inferior or that you may not be able to live up to them?

Do you feel that they will have expectations of you to excel beyond experiences of their past? Or is it possible that sometimes you are worrying about living up to your expectations of their expectations...if that makes sense?


My submissive learns early that if I ask about *anything*, it's because I really want to know, and lawyer or not, I get annoyed if I have to cross-examine him to hear details. I particularly like to hear things he hasn't ever told a soul...bdsm or otherwise. Yummy!

I don't worry about living up to his past experiences, if any, and his expectations should be to live up to my expectations, , but I do think hearing about what he has experienced and how he responded to it gives some indication of physical compatability. If he actually can't live without strap-on play or "forced bi", for example, he should be looking elsewhere.

_____________________________

~ Miss Marie

a.k.a. "mean Lady"


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RE: Past experiences? - 2/16/2006 10:17:48 PM   
SimplyV


Posts: 351
Joined: 11/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Absolutely. I can drive people crazy asking about details and going over an experience again and again in different ways, focusing on different aspects.



quote:

ORIGINAL: Misstoyou

My submissive learns early that if I ask about *anything*, it's because I really want to know, and lawyer or not, I get annoyed if I have to cross-examine him to hear details. I particularly like to hear things he hasn't ever told a soul...bdsm or otherwise. Yummy!


I agree. I like to know everything. It used to freak out my sub, but he's getting used to it.


(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: Past experiences? - 2/16/2006 10:31:57 PM   
amayos


Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline 		I often don't see "12 years of BDSM experience" on the sub resumé as a plus; not being a matter of intimidation, but rather the knowledge that there will likely be a lot of undoing required.






< Message edited by amayos -- 2/16/2006 10:32:19 PM >

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RE: Past experiences? - 2/16/2006 10:59:43 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		Thank you all for responding, it has been very interesting and enlightening.

I began this thread because I have recently dated a couple of perspective Dominants. When it comes to discussing past lifestyle experiences, it seems that is the point at which it all changes somehow. The point at which I have palpably felt them back off. I am starting to really dread those kind of questions.

I have been doing this awhile, that is not a fact that I can change. It is difficult to find Dominants who match or supercede that length of time...a fact that is NOT as important to me as it seems to be for them. It would be stupid for me to limit myself to only meeting Doms with "X" amount of experience as I would then run the risk of categorically dismissing someone who may prove to be very special. I have been blessed with the fact that my past Dominants were very adventurous and creative and I have had the opportunity to have many wonderful, beautiful and yes, kinky and sometimes extreme experiences.

When asked the questions...I answer them to the best of my ability. I have a lot of great memories and lots of lessons learned. I have things that were really great...and things I found were not so great. I try my best to cover the ground in a manner that is honest, forthright and accurately portrays my feelings associated.

So far these are some of the responses I have heard. "Well, wow, you're out of my league", "I don't think I can live up to your expectations", "Gosh, that sounds awesome, so why are you interested in me?", "I am light years away from being at that level", "I don't think that I can satisfy your needs". It seems that many Dominants that I come in contact with are much more interested in someone who is more of a "newbie".

Now mind you, I don't HAVE expectations that any Dominant is going to be better than any previous Dominant. I think they are developing their own expectations of what they think my expectations will be...and those expectations are far greater than the reality of mine. What I do expect is that they will be different...and new...and wonderful...and have their own style...and their own expectations of me...and their own ways that they like things...and things they enjoy...and don't enjoy. What I do expect is that we will begin at square one and learn each other...from the beginning. Just as any new relationship would. From the bottom and work our way up.

I am not sure how to reassure someone that I am not going to be "grading" them, or comparing them to people or things past...or if it is even my job to try to reassure them. I don't know how to reassure them that I have no intention of "training" them....and that I actually WANT them to find their own way with me...and I with them. But it seems that even after trying to communicate to them how "I" feel, they are still intimidated on some level or maybe feel somehow inadequate.

This really has been very frustrating because I don't get to the point of discussing these things in this type of detail until I have already established that this person is someone that I see great potential in...in other words, we connect in ways in other areas of life and interest that make me feel that there is possiblility.

Any suggestions on how to better convey to someone that my past is my past and that I have no desire to hold it as a comparison to any future that I may have with them?


_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

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RE: Past experiences? - 2/16/2006 11:00:02 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		Some one with far more experience than I have is a challenge to me. It helps me reset some goals of attainment and yet I also expect to be able to learn from their knowledge and experience. This is of course regarding BDSM Playing. Regarding Gorean Lifestyles, there iexerience can mean I have to retrain them along my requirements and yet there will be much I shouldn't have to teach.. There will be a time of testing.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

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RE: Past experiences? - 2/17/2006 4:54:33 AM   
MysticalPhoenix


Posts: 212
Joined: 11/30/2005
From: Kelloggsville, Vanilla County MI
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

So far these are some of the responses I have heard. "Well, wow, you're out of my league", "I don't think I can live up to your expectations", "Gosh, that sounds awesome, so why are you interested in me?", "I am light years away from being at that level", "I don't think that I can satisfy your needs". It seems that many Dominants that I come in contact with are much more interested in someone who is more of a "newbie".


Mistoferin, it sounds as though the problem isn't your past. It's their inexperience and insecurity about it. They need someone who is more of a newbie-because they don't feel that they are experienced enough to dominate someone who isn't less experienced than they are.

Sort of like the nouveau riche, they can be insufferably arrogant and rude to servers, valet parking attendants, etc., but very intimidated by maitre d's.

It's a shame, because these Dominants have the opportunity to learn from you, because you are experienced, and to learn that just because the sub is more experienced than the Dom, doesn't make them less submissive.

Good luck, mistoferin, somewhere out there is a Dominant for you won't be intimidated by your past experiences.

Phoenix

_____________________________

---------------------------------------------------------
Every one sees what you appear to be, few really know what you are.

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RE: Past experiences? - 2/17/2006 5:14:31 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline 		Maybe I'm in the minority but I didn't learn by finding another inexperienced partner and experimenting. I was introduced by a lovely and far more experienced lady. So that maybe why I have little trouble with seeing the upside of getting involved with a lass who has more experience than myself. Or maybe it is simply that I don't get intimidated easily


But I can't be the only one and I'm sure you will eventualy find what you are looking for. Good luck petal.

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RE: Past experiences? - 2/17/2006 5:55:31 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

Any suggestions on how to better convey to someone that my past is my past and that I have no desire to hold it as a comparison to any future that I may have with them?



You're getting answers here from people who are secure and who rock.

The average dom is a normal guy, normal guys get intimidated fairly easily. People in the vanilla world complain about this all the time- how a guy can be totally into her UNTIL she says she's got some powerful job somewhere, or has had lots of relationship experience.

I think the problem is with THEM. You are answering their questions honestly and THEY are the ones making too much of it. You can either just tell them that you are interested in them and wouldn't be there otherwise and see what they do, or say "oh well" and not date anymore.

That's what the dating process is, specially if you're actively going out with a handful of people- most of them should be fish you throw back.


_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Past experiences? - 2/17/2006 6:51:21 AM   
truesub4u


Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline 		Mist,

I told you in my earlier posting about the problems I face struggling with opening about my past. I think I can understand your situation here.

Master has been with with 4 women in his almost 40 years. 3 of them (myself included) were submissives. This worried... and worries me at times as well. Though for 20+ years he's been into BDSM and in his local community. I still sometimes worry about the experiance between the both of us. Sometimes when we do have to have certain conversations.. that end up bringing up past partners, I begin to get edgy and worry that I am saying too much and that I swear sometimes I can feel him backing up some. He says he's not... but you can hide this feeling. That's why I hate these types of converations. Even if he's not backing up.. doesn't stop me from feeling like he is.

So just how far can we go with letting it all come out? I won't lie to him, but I don't always tell him everything, when it concerns past partners. I've met others in the past like you, that ask those questions.... and I ended up still in search afterwards as well. I got some of the same responses as well.. (think they have a book they look in for the words to say... (S) )

In the end, as much as things are going so great with Master right now... I find my foot back in the door ready to make a quick exit if I can't stop this fight I keep having with myself over the experinace between Master and I. It scares me when I can't control my own demons that want to fight over something ... to me.. is so petty.... and what's worse.. is knowing it is petty.. and still can't stop it. I would talk to Master about it.. but it would mean talking about the whole subject of past partners.. and that could make me hit door faster. (damn glad he doesn't read the forum unless I tell him of a gret thread on here.. LOL)

Best of luck to you mist... the one that stops feeling intemidated by your experiance.. will find himself a jewel i'm sure...

< Message edited by truesub4u -- 2/17/2006 6:53:10 AM >

_____________________________

Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

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