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Dom mad...now what? - 7/7/2009 3:29:21 PM

MMagic

Posts: 183
Joined: 2/9/2009
Status: offline

So I have walked the block here, but haven't been around it. Still learning and growing blah blah blah and all of that. So I'd like some advice from the more experienced. I seem to be agitating my Sir quite a bit and then I feel...guilty, sad, and angry and several other dwarves. So I'd like to know what others do when they've pissed off their Doms.

_____________________________

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. -Mae West

Post #: 1

RE: Dom mad...now what? - 7/7/2009 3:57:51 PM

MMagic

Posts: 183
Joined: 2/9/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CuddlyParrotGirl

I think we need more details to have any hope of understanding what's going on here.

Edited to Add: You need to read up on your dwarves! http://www.essortment.com/all/sevendwarfsnam_rygj.htm

LOL!!!!

Sorry Cuddly, Sir is not a big fan of sharing private things so I usually have to think around what I can and cannot say. So I'll try this now. He has given me rules, which I do KNOW but not by number as he'd probably like. I know them because it's all things I just do naturally even before I met him or I should say 90 percent of them anyway. The others I know because they are things I wanted to add to things I should do.

Other times I'm he'll ask me to do things as punishment for mouthing off and I either can't do them right then or forget to later or sometimes I am just not sure if he means it (this is not a complaint at all) but it doesn't SEEM like a punishment. I thought they were supposed to be unpleasant or perhaps I'm just more deranged that I thought, lol. Either way sometimes schedule just doesn't permit me to do them and he gets very agitated and I'm not sure WHAT to do. We end up arguing or not speaking and it breaks my heart because I want so to make him happy...that and for some unknown reason I always want to cry if I upset him. I am NOT the crying type. Not sure how to deal with that either. I'm a little tired so NONE of this may make sense, if it does, please offer some sage advice.

_____________________________

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. -Mae West

(in reply to CuddlyParrotGirl)

Post #: 2

RE: Dom mad...now what? - 7/7/2009 4:05:16 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

Master and I have a punishment dynamic. If I disobey him then he punishes me and it's over. I'm absolved and I learn from my mistake and I don't repeat it.

I don't think I've ever angered him yet though so I can't really comment on that point...disappointed yes but never angered.

In my past relationship I seemed to anger him at every turn. In the end it meant we weren't compatible and I tend to steer away from people who are always angry or seem to always be angry with me.

I personally have no desire to lead such a life.

(in reply to MMagic)

Post #: 3

RE: Dom mad...now what? - 7/7/2009 4:44:41 PM

xiam

Posts: 148
Joined: 7/1/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MMagic
...that and for some unknown reason I always want to cry if I upset him. I am NOT the crying type. Not sure how to deal with that either. I'm a little tired so NONE of this may make sense, if it does, please offer some sage advice.

I don't know that i have any sage advice but i can totally relate to not being the crying type but often finding myself crying in a D/s relationship. And i end up getting frustrated with my normally bad ass, unflappable self for doing it. There's just something about that dynamic; the level of emotion is unparalleled. I find solace in the fact that it is a different dynamic, with a heightened sense of vulnerability, intensity and exposure. The "normal" life/ dating rules of good and bad that have been instilled in most of us don't always apply in how one acts or how those actions are perceived by our partner when D/s is a core element.

(in reply to MMagic)

Post #: 4

RE: Dom mad...now what? - 7/7/2009 5:12:33 PM

girlygurl

Posts: 6973
Joined: 8/5/2007
From: in the palms of His hands
Status: offline

I can say (fortunately) I haven't made my Sir angry. I've disappointed Him twice in our three years, and that was enough for me! I never made those two mistakes again.

We are human and we're bound to piss someone off at some point and time... the key is not to repeat it.

_____________________________

i see You

happily forever one

(in reply to xiam)

Post #: 5

RE: Dom mad...now what? - 7/7/2009 5:14:18 PM

dreamerdreaming

Posts: 2839
Status: offline

Wow. What a fucked up dynamic.

Your "dom" gives you bullshit "punishments", and list of rules- both of which he has no idea how to enforce.

He has no control.

I would say "you poor thing", but you seem to be saying you are mouthy and disobedient. Wouldn't it be easier just to be obedient? And wouldn't it be better for both of you if your dom didn't punish honest mistakes? (I am assuming he does this so please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.)

I really don't mean to be harsh- but who's the dom, here? (Hint: Its not him.)

I would like to take this opportunity to point out that a punishment dynamic is not necessary, for a fulfilling BDSM relationship.

Funishment: YUM.

Punishment: Not necessary to a successful and fulfilling D/s dynamic.

For those who use it successfully as a discipline and learning tool, great! But if it doesn't suit you, leave it.

If as a "dominant" you have no idea how to use punishment as a teaching and discipline tool, (meaning your submissive, and your D/s relationship will actually benefit from it).... If instead you are bungling everything: giving bogus punishments for a bunch of rules that you cannot enforce, and not following through properly by overseeing the "punishments"...
If all the "punishments" end up doing is to make you mad and make your submissive miserable instead of helping her learn better... If said "punishments" do nothing to correct the offending behavior...Then you are falling flat as a "dominant", and/or you are not suitable for a punishment dynamic. Leave it.

OP: in a way it sounds like you are trying to say he does "funishment" with you, but that in the absence of clear communication on the matter, you are taking it as if it were actual "punishment".

If he sets you up for certain failure, so that he can administer a yummy funishment, that is all well and good as long as he lets you understand that this is what he is doing, so that you don't feel like a real failure. So that you too, can enjoy the yummy funishment.

Then too, if this sort of thing just doesn't work for you (either the punishment, funishment, or both) the two of you should be able to sit down and discuss it. Maybe you just are not a good fit for each other, in this respect. Maybe that's why you're just not "getting" each other. Seems to me that its much better to find someone whose kinks match up well with yours to begin with, than to end up angry, miserable and bewildered with someone whose needs and desires just aren't a good fit with your own.

*steps down off soapbox*

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(in reply to MMagic)

Post #: 6

RE: Dom mad...now what? - 7/7/2009 6:26:11 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
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It's his obligation to inform you what he's punishing you for. If you ask him and he STILL won't tell you because he's "not a big fan of sharing private things", then he's either abusive or a complete idiot.

It doesn't matter which. Walk.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to dreamerdreaming)

Post #: 7

RE: Dom mad...now what? - 7/7/2009 6:50:30 PM

Toppingfrmbottom

Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline

I think you mis interperted what her post meant, She meant, and OP forgive me for speaking for you, her dom does not like her airing dirty laundry, and so she's not free to go posting their relationship issues, that may be deemed privatly all over the interent. by the comment he's not a fan of sharing private things. Not that why he is punishing her is private and he doesn't like to share that with her.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

It's his obligation to inform you what he's punishing you for. If you ask him and he STILL won't tell you because he's "not a big fan of sharing private things", then he's either abusive or a complete idiot.

It doesn't matter which. Walk.

< Message edited by Toppingfrmbottom -- 7/7/2009 6:52:33 PM >

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 8

RE: Dom mad...now what? - 7/7/2009 7:31:15 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MMagic

So I have walked the block here, but haven't been around it. Still learning and growing blah blah blah and all of that. So I'd like some advice from the more experienced. I seem to be agitating my Sir quite a bit and then I feel...guilty, sad, and angry and several other dwarves. So I'd like to know what others do when they've pissed off their Doms.

NM

teach me to read the whole thread first

< Message edited by IrishMist -- 7/7/2009 7:33:03 PM >

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to MMagic)

Post #: 9

RE: Dom mad...now what? - 7/7/2009 8:15:59 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Toppingfrmbottom

I think you mis interperted what her post meant, She meant, and OP forgive me for speaking for you, her dom does not like her airing dirty laundry, and so she's not free to go posting their relationship issues, that may be deemed privatly all over the interent. by the comment he's not a fan of sharing private things. Not that why he is punishing her is private and he doesn't like to share that with her.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

It's his obligation to inform you what he's punishing you for. If you ask him and he STILL won't tell you because he's "not a big fan of sharing private things", then he's either abusive or a complete idiot.

It doesn't matter which. Walk.

Oops. You're right. I misread. Mmagic, my apologies to your Dom.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Toppingfrmbottom)

Post #: 10

RE: Dom mad...now what? - 7/7/2009 9:05:51 PM

califsue

Posts: 593
Joined: 2/2/2008
Status: offline

The thing that strikes me in your message is this statement:

"I either can't do them right then or forget to later or sometimes I am just not sure if he means it (this is not a complaint at all) but it doesn't SEEM like a punishment."

IF it doesn't seem like a punishment to you then it would seem to me you need to communicate with him about what feels like punishment for you. Maybe he doesn't realize what he is giving you to do doesn't feel like punishment for you.

The other big red flag for me is the comment that "I forget". I think most M/D types feel if a s-type forgets something then it isn't important to them. If this is the case for you then you need to examine why you feel that way.

While I don't have alot of experience in the past with my Master, if I felt he was mad or upset with me I would apologize and ask what I did that he felt was wrong. Usually it was just a simple misunderstanding and we worked through it without any punishment. Since he was into corporal punishment I was not interested in seeing what he could dish out. I like being good.

(in reply to MMagic)

Post #: 11

RE: Dom mad...now what? - 7/8/2009 12:38:11 AM

vasha

Posts: 99
Joined: 2/20/2009
Status: offline

aplogiese, talk, disguss... without arguement entering the equation. also, a good dom will understand, even if not like (careful not to confuse a dislike, but acceptance such a situation with something worse ) , nessasary time constraints for chores wanting done.

also, consider this- is your Master stressed in general? lots going on for Him? hmmm.. might need to find out. stress can easily spill over into other areas unintentionally.

< Message edited by vasha -- 7/8/2009 12:42:33 AM >

(in reply to califsue)

Post #: 12

RE: Dom mad...now what? - 7/8/2009 6:50:35 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Give him your schedule ahead of time and when he asks you to do these time consuming things, ask him to figure out when and where. Then use your cell phone alarm to remind you to do it.

Write it down, a day planner, a calender, the cell phone alarm. Because if I don't write it down, it doesn't exist.

Back when we were ldr, he would mention stuff while IMing and by the time we finished talking an hour later I had forgotten it. So I asked him to instead send me an email with just that order. That way it was alone and wouldn't get shoved in with a bunch of other stuff and forgotten.

As far as him always being pissed off with you? Is he under a lot of stress in other areas of his life and this is the only safe place for him to let his stress out?

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to vasha)

Post #: 13

RE: Dom mad...now what? - 7/8/2009 7:44:14 AM

Toppingfrmbottom

Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline

No big deal it happens, and on here , someone really could pull the it's none of your business why I punish you card. Just that in this case it's not one of them* sharing a grin with every one*:)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Oops. You're right. I misread. Mmagic, my apologies to your Dom.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 14

RE: Dom mad...now what? - 7/8/2009 4:21:06 PM

dove967

Posts: 102
Joined: 10/28/2006
Status: offline

OOOOO...that's a tought one! When my Sir gets irritated w/me, he gets very quiet. And his smiles aren't as genuine(Sir normally smiles ALOT! He a very jovial person for the most part)and I can tell they are a little forced. I usually just give him his space and he discusses things w/me when he's had time to think about the best way to tell me what's bothering him. Sometimes it's something I've done, but, there have been times when it's him expecting too much. Either way, it gets resolved-although if it's my fault it can be over his knee! lol The important thing is we both learn from it and learn more about each other and ourselves so we can move past it. Perhaps you should ask your Dom what it is exactly that upset him and ask him to teach you a better way.

(in reply to MMagic)

Post #: 15

RE: Dom mad...now what? - 7/8/2009 8:26:19 PM

RealSub58

Posts: 1073
Status: offline

Stop acting like a whiney selfish idiot, grow up and don't piss him off. That is respect.

Do you piss him off cause you want your own way????

True confession with apologizing by actions usually is the answer. It also means if you are forgiven, you will NOT do it again.

(in reply to MMagic)

Post #: 16

RE: Dom mad...now what? - 7/9/2009 5:19:28 AM

Drifa

Posts: 547
Joined: 7/27/2007
From: Rural Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MMagic
He has given me rules, which I do KNOW but not by number as he'd probably like. I know them because it's all things I just do naturally even before I met him or I should say 90 percent of them anyway. The others I know because they are things I wanted to add to things I should do.

I wouldn't worry about adding your own rules. Your dom will give you all the rules needed.

I would suggest starting a journal. Even a simple spiral notebook will work. Sit down with your dom and write down an agreed-upon set of rules. You will remember them much better through the simple act of physically writing them. What you hear you forget, what you see you understand, what you write you remember. That's the mantra that got me through college.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MMagic
Other times I'm he'll ask me to do things as punishment for mouthing off and I either can't do them right then or forget to later or sometimes I am just not sure if he means it (this is not a complaint at all) but it doesn't SEEM like a punishment. I thought they were supposed to be unpleasant or perhaps I'm just more deranged that I thought, lol.

Another benefit of a journal is that you can write down your list of punishment items and have something to check off when you do them.

As for the harshness or lack thereof of punishments, when I am riding my horse and he's acting like a jackass and not obeying properly, I back his big spotty Appaloosa butt up, sometimes quite a distance. Horses hate to do this, because they can't see behind them and have to trust the rider. But the point of this IS NOT PUNISHMENT. The backing up exercise reminds the horse that I, the rider, am the dominant in this scenario. It focuses the horse's attention on me and what I am asking him to do. Usually he's paying much more attention to what I am telling him with rein and seat leg aids after that point, or if not, we back up some more then try again.

Perhaps your dom is trying to get you to focus on HIS desires rather than your own expectations.

After your punishment is successfully completed to your dom's specifications, you need to sit down with him directly and express these questions to him. Ask him why his rules are the way they are, and ask him exactly how he wants you to know them - if it's his rule that he should be able to ask for Rule #6 and have you repeat it, verse and canon, then you need to know that exactly.

This is also your chance to negotiate some. Not everyone has the same learning style. I have a horrible time with rote memorization myself. If you really can't memorize the rules as he desires, then find out if understanding the spirit of the rules and following that is sufficient. But once you start interpreting rules, you are making it more likely that you are just doing what you want rather than following your dom's rules.

If you are mouthing off because you want more and harsher punishment, then stop mouthing off and instead sit down and talk candidly with your dom about what you need. I don't have a punishment dynamic. But I love being flogged. That's a reward for me. If I need some sensation play, I just ask for it... a quick spanking can sometimes brighten up my mood for the whole day. So for you, ask your dom what would be an appropriate way for you to ask him for a harsher punishment - instead of mouthing off, perhaps you could just ask him nicely for a spanking?

(in reply to MMagic)

Post #: 17

RE: Dom mad...now what? - 7/9/2009 3:39:09 PM

MMagic

Posts: 183
Joined: 2/9/2009
Status: offline

Alright, sorry been a few days since I got to get over here and actually read all of the replies so let me try to run them down really quickly here.

>>Wow. What a fucked up dynamic. Your "dom" gives you bullshit "punishments", and list of rules- both of which he has no idea how to enforce. He has no control. etc.....>>

Now now...I never said they were BS punishments, and I couldn't elaborate much either. They aren't BS they are just things that I don't find unpleasant to do, therefore they dont' SEEM like punishment to me. Equate it to this, telling a child to eat ice cream for NOT cleaning their room. I have tried to relay this and perhaps I should present him with that exact analogy..we have an understanding with those.

>>I think you mis interperted what her post meant, She meant, and OP forgive me for speaking for you, her dom does not like her airing dirty laundry, and so she's not free to go posting their relationship issues, etc <<

Yes it's being misread, lol. Happens to me all the time.

>>Stop acting like a whiney selfish idiot, grow up and don't piss him off. That is respect. Do you piss him off cause you want your own way???? True confession with apologizing by actions usually is the answer. It also means if you are forgiven, you will NOT do it again. <<

What IS it with people and message boards that makes them think it's ok to call a virtual stranger (pun intended) an idiot? Or any of the insults tossed my way. I'd take offense and reply but I more than suspect you're the actual idiot and wouldn't be able to comprehend my scathing retort...see, point proven.

As for the rest of you who are offering some really helpful suggestions. I thank you. Part of my problem is that I'm very new to this and while some things I do come quickly and natural to me, certain things just fly right by. I've been me and having to wear a Dom/sub hat all by myself for all my long existence. It's HARD to turn over this control to someone else, even harder for me to remember that I did turn it over. It's not that it's not important it's simply just that I'm a creature of habit. I do write things down and I SHOULD try doing so in this case, but on a lot of occasion when I write things down that can work in reverse for me. I write it and it's gone from my head, therefore I don't remember still (Perhaps I'll make an online journal NOT here at CM, see how he feels about that). I do have an illness that causes that (the memory loss) and I don't make excuses for it, I do what I can to work around it. The thing that helps me work around it is that everything ELSE in my life has been a constant, YEARS long constant so again it comes second nature now. I dare say if Sir has to wait a few years I may drive him insane...or both of us insane, lol.

The reminders in the phone are good...now I'd just need Sir to remind me to put in the reminders, lol. I think also a lot of the time we're laughing and having a good time and I REALLY have a hard time knowing if this is him teasing me or saying go do this..like..NOW Mag. I don't know if he's stressed, he says he's not but <shrugs> I say that too and sometimes I'm so stressed my hair folicles are clenched. So..guess I just got more work ahead of me. Please do keep the suggestions coming, they are more than helpful.

_____________________________

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. -Mae West

(in reply to Drifa)

Post #: 18

RE: Dom mad...now what? - 7/9/2009 4:02:24 PM

MMagic

Posts: 183
Joined: 2/9/2009
Status: offline

Oh! And I forgot to add, my mouthing off is not to intentionally piss him off, it's because I'm just very verbal and off the cuff. Often I speak before the thought in my head is fully formed and I'm brutally honest sometimes. And I'm opinionated AND I do love a good debate AND I love intelligent men. Sir is extremely intelligent. So sometimes it's just excitement that I can have a conversation full of big words and not have to explain to someone what I mean and sometimes it's just my natural personality kicking in. I've got something to say so I want to say it. Other times I'm very quiet. I don't speak unless I have something to say, never believed in idle chit chat. I do try though, hate to come off aloof.

_____________________________

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. -Mae West

(in reply to MMagic)

Post #: 19

RE: Dom mad...now what? - 7/9/2009 4:50:43 PM

justme1980

Posts: 169
Joined: 6/20/2009
Status: offline

Are you really messing up or is he just lashing out because he has other issues not related to you
Either way talk to him

< Message edited by justme1980 -- 7/9/2009 4:51:10 PM >

(in reply to MMagic)

Post #: 20

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