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mystery required - yes or no or... - 2/16/2006 7:45:03 PM   
newflowers


Posts: 292
Joined: 5/23/2004
Status: offline 		I was reading one of my favorite email newsletters and today's question is about keeping mystery in a relationship, not being readily or always available to prevent being taken for granted, to keep the aura of mystique burning etc.

I pose the question here:

What do you think about the idea of keeping mystery in a relationship? Do you think one of the perks of a long-term/committed relationship - or any relationship at all - is being available, having your SO available in times good, bad, and in between? What about the idea of absence making the heart grow fonder and familiarity breeding contempt or out of sight out of mind? Do you think being purposely mysterious and unavailable a superfluous dating game?

I'll go first ...

I am of the mind that games are not for dating - say what you mean and mean what you say. My crystal ball is broken and I do not read minds. Tell me, please don't make me guess - I'll probably be wrong and then we'll both be upset. If you're going to call - call; if you're not going to call, don't say you will as a means of whatever that lie is supposed to serve - it doesn't let someone down easy when you lie to them. If you're busy - take a moment to say so and get back to me when you can - I'll offer the same courtesy. I want the joy of discovering my partner to be a joy, not an exercise in frustration or a disappearing/reappearing act. To pretend to be unavailable as a means of seeming mysterious and interesting is deceit I don't want or need in any relationship.

Your thoughts, opinions...

newflowers


< Message edited by newflowers -- 2/16/2006 7:47:05 PM >
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RE: mystery required - yes or no or... - 2/16/2006 7:49:01 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		my mother always told me that - keep an element of mystery. Keep something for myself.

However, if i held back with Master, how could he possibly be sure that the decisions he makes for me are in his and my best interest?

Mystery has its place. But not in my relaitonship.

Great question!

(in reply to newflowers)
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RE: mystery required - yes or no or... - 2/16/2006 8:00:46 PM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		A bit of mystery is a good thing but I prefer it in the form of mystery surrounding what new and creative things the people in a relationship are going to come up with next. A nice level of anticipation at the thought of coming home...experiences planned...or bedtime.

I want my partner to be dependable and reachable in the event that life necessitates reaching them. But that does not mean that we need to be connected at the hip...or by a phone cord. I have worked with people whose spouses call them 10 times a day. That would drive me crazy. When I am working...I am working and if anyone calls me there I would appreciate that they have good reason to do so. Nor would I call my partner at his job unless there was a valid reason to do so. Generally, if it's workable, a call to touch base with each other at lunch is more than sufficient.

< Message edited by mistoferin -- 2/16/2006 8:01:39 PM >

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to newflowers)
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RE: mystery required - yes or no or... - 2/16/2006 8:14:48 PM   
foxglove716


Posts: 648
Joined: 7/4/2005
Status: offline 		good question newflowers. I think the real question is mystery vs. absolute honesty. Im always honest about the big stuff, I am always playfully mysterious and never hesitate to use the element of surprise. But mystery can be abused when you have a motive, such as being mysterious to make a partner jealous. Its natural for a lot, if not most of us to want what we cant have. I like it when my partner is mysterious. I dont want to figure him out. I like it when he keeps me guessing and on my toes. As long as real love is there, this is a game I dont mind playing.

_____________________________

Illusion is the first of all pleasures. -Oscar Wilde

(in reply to newflowers)
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RE: mystery required - yes or no or... - 2/16/2006 8:16:30 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I think the fact that our future is unknown means that there will simply always BE mystery when forming a life together and that's more than enough for me.

As far as "Oh let me play games and be coy and not put out so that I keep him dangling" No not my deal at all. I'm all about full disclosure when it comes to committed life relationships.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: mystery required - yes or no or... - 2/16/2006 10:15:05 PM   
Misstoyou


Posts: 1149
Joined: 9/4/2004
Status: offline 		I think a good submissive *has* mystery. As he/she falls deeper and deeper into submission, elements of themselves that even they were not consciously aware of come to the surface, and that mutual discovery elicited by the Domme/Dom is *very* satisfying.

P.S. Nice to read your updated profile, newflowers. Congrats!

_____________________________

~ Miss Marie

a.k.a. "mean Lady"


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RE: mystery required - yes or no or... - 2/16/2006 10:17:48 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Misstoyou

I think a good submissive *has* mystery. As he/she falls deeper and deeper into submission, elements of themselves that even they were not consciously aware of come to the surface, and that mutual discovery elicited by the Domme/Dom is *very* satisfying.

P.S. Nice to read your updated profile, newflowers. Congrats!


Great post, and if looking at mystery in this regard, i would agree.

(in reply to Misstoyou)
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RE: mystery required - yes or no or... - 2/16/2006 11:05:38 PM   
amayos


Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline 		As for dating and the rituals involved, one might say the moment others know what to expect from you, your power over them is lessened. I also understand that in this and other circles it is wise to avoid being seen as too common. People like their space, and absence can make the heart grow fonder. From the POV of the seducer, these rules definitely apply. Keep them in suspense, tantalize, create temptation, insinuate and so on...it's all a familiar blueprint to us, if even just in the back of our minds.

Regarding mystery among a Master and slave, I feel the level of interaction such beings share transcends it—that they exist on a level primal and delicious, but seldom realized by many in the other world. Still, it is sweet to share things slowly with a slave creature—they love mind candy from their owners, and there is nothing to say we owners shouldn't enrich their awe and worship.



(in reply to newflowers)
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RE: mystery required - yes or no or... - 2/16/2006 11:08:18 PM   
SimplyV


Posts: 351
Joined: 11/5/2005
Status: offline 		Mystery isn't bad. But secrets and lies are.

Say what you mean and mean what you say.

However there are ways to keep someone guessing that don't require lying/deciet. Surprise gifts.. like coming home to a special unplanned treat. Extra efforts. Doing something unexpected. Getting them that special gift they wanted, but forgot you knew about.

People grow and change.. and part of the thing with being open and honest with your partner is that they get to see those growths and changes. So there is always a little mystery.. you're always changing.. and so are they..


(in reply to newflowers)
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RE: mystery required - yes or no or... - 2/16/2006 11:13:19 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		Some who know me will say I am a complex person and a many facited person hidig multiple mysteries.. I am a simple person with secrets which will remain hidden even from those closest to me and I will take those mysteries or secrets with me whan I enter the next stage of my existance.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to SimplyV)
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RE: mystery required - yes or no or... - 2/16/2006 11:18:46 PM   
newflowers


Posts: 292
Joined: 5/23/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie


quote:

ORIGINAL: Misstoyou

I think a good submissive *has* mystery. As he/she falls deeper and deeper into submission, elements of themselves that even they were not consciously aware of come to the surface, and that mutual discovery elicited by the Domme/Dom is *very* satisfying.

P.S. Nice to read your updated profile, newflowers. Congrats!


Great post, and if looking at mystery in this regard, i would agree.


Thanks - life is very good with him. it took a lllloooooooonnnnnngggggg time and some frong kissing to get here, but it is a good place for the both of us.

I would agree that if we look at mystery in this light, it is a good thing.

As indicated, I prefer striaightforward honesty. Not attached at the hip and I do not even work in such a place that someone could call me during the day unless there is an emergency. Sometimes, I am busy and sometimes he is. We take a moment to say - hey I'm busy and I'll be back with you soon. But I don't like to guess moods and I would hate it if he changed daily - I hate coy game playing. I like knowing him and him knowing me.

Of course, last Friday, I came home to new flower boxes on the front windows and a new book shelf screwed into the wall so the grandson can't pull it down. The new handcuffs were pretty cool too. I sent him flowers for VD - he loved it. I like to surprise him and he me. I am squishy as I fall more and more into him. The mutual discovery - yes that is mystery uncovered - sometimes fast and sometimes it a slow dance - I love both ways. Yes, that is mystery worth having because within that mystery is the love and security and steadiness we both need.

newflowers

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
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RE: mystery required - yes or no or... - 2/16/2006 11:50:50 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		Loved your description of "squishy!"

Straightforward and honesty are musts in my book. And when i am feeling the need to reach out and feel his closeness during the day, i pull up yet another Word document and begin to journal. Writing to him and of him is how i reach out when i am so compelled. He enjoys reading them.

Nice thing to come home to for you!

Anyway, the mystery that is me...the discovery has been an amazing journey - Master with the shovel, forever digging, and me peeking over his shoulder asking, "What's IN there???"


hee hee...

(in reply to newflowers)
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RE: mystery required - yes or no or... - 2/16/2006 11:56:46 PM   
LaMalinche


Posts: 2077
Joined: 10/20/2005
Status: offline 		Do not share with him what he does not need to know. Yep, those are my words of wisdom.

And why am I online at 2am? That is the mystery.

Best,

LaMalinche


(in reply to newflowers)
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RE: mystery required - yes or no or... - 2/17/2006 12:00:23 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaMalinche

Do not share with him what he does not need to know. Yep, those are my words of wisdom.

And why am I online at 2am? That is the mystery.

Best,

LaMalinche




He needs to know everything, so i share everything. And it's midnight where i live.

(in reply to LaMalinche)
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RE: mystery required - yes or no or... - 2/17/2006 12:12:11 AM   
MistressOfGa


Posts: 2929
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaMalinche
And why am I online at 2am? That is the mystery.

Best,

LaMalinche



I am online at 3am. I cant sleep. No mystery here.

quote:

Do not share with him what he does not need to know. Yep, those are my words of wisdom.


As a dominant I will be the one to decide what it is that I think he should share with me. If he holds back, I will know.
I think that everything should be disclosed. I dont like those kind of surprises. I agree with LA on this one. No games. Communication. Communication. Communication. I think I need to take my own advice on that one.

_____________________________





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RE: mystery required - yes or no or... - 2/17/2006 12:37:50 AM   
LaMalinche


Posts: 2077
Joined: 10/20/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie


quote:

ORIGINAL: LaMalinche

Do not share with him what he does not need to know. Yep, those are my words of wisdom.

And why am I online at 2am? That is the mystery.

Best,

LaMalinche




He needs to know everything, so i share everything. And it's midnight where i live.


Yippie. I was quoting Heinlein, as in "From the Notebooks of Lazarus Long"

Quote goes:

Dear, don't bore him with trivia or burden him with your past mistakes. The happiest
way to deal with a man is never to tell him anything he does not need to know.

And it is now after 2:30am. And I am still awake.

Best,

LaMalinche


(in reply to ownedgirlie)
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RE: mystery required - yes or no or... - 2/17/2006 4:13:28 AM   
MistressAlexaS


Posts: 78
Joined: 1/13/2006
Status: offline 		I believe in absolute honesty in my relationships, however when we are roleplaying I will keep it a secret from him what we are going to play up until about an hour before we do. I like to keep the element of surprise alive and it pleases the sadist in me to watch him squirm.

~Alexa

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Self-reliance is the only road to true freedom, and being one's own person is its ultimate reward.
Patricia Sampson

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RE: mystery required - yes or no or... - 2/17/2006 4:35:18 AM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 3149
Status: offline 		i've wondered the same thing, especially in a D/s relationship. i dont think of "mystery" as a decietful coy thing, but as not revealing all of yourself to the other person. i personally think that mystery does keep us interested in others. Alot of ppl like that "new" mystery to figure out. Heck many men like the chase. But how does one not reveal all of yourself in a D/s relationship? How do you keep abit of yourself to yourself when you are SUPPOSED to reveal all of yourself? We watch TV to see "what happens next" New books, and new movies and erm.. new SO's. So how does one keep that mystery, that newness abit longer? i've wondered this ALOT actually LOL. Mystery IS nice and mystery IS newness and many many ppl prefer "new" toys over "old" (familiar) toys. Not saying familiar toys are bad.. personally i prefer them. But what about the general pop?

i think Misstoyou answered all that perfectly! Mystery yes or no.. and all the questions associated. (and again i dont think of mystery as an honest or coy or game playing thing.. but as a revealing who you are complete in detail when not really necassary)


quote:

I think a good submissive *has* mystery. As he/she falls deeper and deeper into submission, elements of themselves that even they were not consciously aware of come to the surface, and that mutual discovery elicited by the Domme/Dom is *very* satisfying.



Joke of the day (and all i can remember really is the punch line):

A man and woman were having intercourse and the man looks at the woman oddly and asks "why are you wearing a hat?" The woman replies "Because my mother said never let a man see you completely naked"

(in reply to Misstoyou)
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RE: mystery required - yes or no or... - 2/17/2006 5:49:44 AM   
Driver1961


Posts: 459
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		He dis His Lid to all...

Well said both times Newflowers. If I understand the context of your mystery (part romance type mystery) I thoroughly agree. There should be some mystery of surprise for any of my 'committed relationships' otherwise how could I surprise and get that 'Oh my gawd, that's lovely' tell all look?

Fortunately I am the D in a committed developing W/we with my two Precious girls..... It is quite easy for me to have this type of mystery but then again it is easy for the girls too. I may be their D and I accept not demand their submission and their commitment to me and the W/we- I realize that I refuse to be privvy to all their thoughts, actions, (I am not their gaoler/jailer)so that the elements of romance mystery is available to all of us. That is important for O/our and their individual growth. This does however vary in expectations in 'others' relationships as we all know and in the committed relationships of BDSM may (unfortunately in my view) be overridden by the Dominant's expectations.

The other type of mystery that other posters have highlighted; is examined, and where possible curtailed. It normally arises from conscious or subconscious insecurities. This mystery impacts on freedom of thought and growth within O/our relationship and in my experience in all relationships including platonic. The ole 'friend fallout'

Then the third 'mystery' of (for want of better pol/correct terminology) intrinsic or secret women's business. (You will have some understanding of this ladies) ha ha!
The situation where the dress was on sale at 80% off so the money is utilized elsewhere on things like a 'secret girlie afternoon' when more ideas and plotting of Secret Women's Business are compared during this nefarious ritual!!!! This should definately not be occuring in committed BDSM relationships and I would hope is retricted to the nilla world!

Yes I know men do it too, so don't go burning any bra's!

I wish you all the best in your growing relationship.

Warm regards (Sir) Paul.



_____________________________

Dance as though nobody is watching!

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RE: mystery required - yes or no or... - 2/17/2006 7:23:43 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Driver1961



I realize that I refuse to be privvy to all their thoughts, actions, (I am not their gaoler/jailer)so that the elements of romance mystery is available to all of us. That is important for O/our and their individual growth. This does however vary in expectations in 'others' relationships as we all know and in the committed relationships of BDSM may (unfortunately in my view) be overridden by the Dominant's expectations.



Nor is my submission "demanded" (i begged him to receive it, after all), nor am i jailed. i love that he is so deeply into my head. It's how he manages me best. As for "overriden" - it's an interesting choice of words. i find it most fortunate that Master controls me and our relationship. That is what i need, that is what he wants, and there is nothing unfortunate about it. i am a free spirit - free to laugh, think, feel, live, and enjoy life to the fullest. That i do so within the parameters of his rules and expectations just makes me happier. i NEED that. You are casting an unfair shadow on a beautiful thing.

~ another 2 cents in the bucket ~

(in reply to Driver1961)
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