Envy

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RiceKitten -> Envy (2/17/2006 12:18:47 AM)
Master and I have been together for some time, but recently our relationship is long distance. I know Master can do what he wants, and I've accepted that. But when he mentions other women ( as in them showing intrest in him, since he has not gone outside our relationship) I get extremely jealous. Do I even have a right to? (Thanks in advance and sorry if this seems like a silly question)

Quivver -> RE: Envy (2/17/2006 3:02:46 AM)
Do you have a right to doesnt much matter if you are. Did you discuss this as part of the deal? What was the outcome? Have you told him? Lot's of questions, but if your Gut's churning and turning green you need to speak up.

RavenMuse -> RE: Envy (2/17/2006 3:20:38 AM)
first off, when it comes to emotions, they are what they are, right doesn't enter into it. If he isn't acting on anything then I'd say maybe you have an over reaction based on being insecure, this is something you need to discuss with him and find a way to deal with it. The worst thing you can do is convince yourself that you don't have a 'right' to feel that way and try to repress the feeling without talking to him, that is very likely to only cause more problems in the future.

MHOO314 -> RE: Envy (2/17/2006 5:15:32 AM)
ahhh the unfortunate but all too real issue that arises in a distance relationship--- We are-- at the end of the day, human--being Dominant or submissive does not change what happens at times with those emotions---no one can tell you its right or wrong---as Raven said--it is what it is---I want to think your Master is being honest--but IMHO, it is insensitive--as a good Master he needs to understand the care and support you need in the new twist to your relationship---submissives in a distance relationship---need even more---it is encumbant upon the Dominant to do all they can to support the submissive and the relationship, not create doubt, fear and insecurity. Here is where the communication must be the strongest--speak to him--tell him how you feel---just as it is Master's responsibility to care for you and anticipate your needs---you must give him a barometer---if Master cannot handle the sharing of feelings--well IMHO--that's a chat for another thread--but--be open and honest--as I said you are after all--human---not an unfeeling robotron.

sweetpettjenny -> RE: Envy (2/17/2006 5:29:59 AM)
I myself have a jeolous streak...im not proud of it, but...i am extremely lucky that my Master gives me no reason for jeolousy. He doesn't tell me how many women want him , and he gives me all of his attention. Luckily he isn't poly( im not), the only conversation as of recently was me possibly being with another woman...but it stopped at that.

MysticalPhoenix -> RE: Envy (2/17/2006 5:32:11 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RiceKitten Master and I have been together for some time, but recently our relationship is long distance. I know Master can do what he wants, and I've accepted that. But when he mentions other women ( as in them showing intrest in him, since he has not gone outside our relationship) I get extremely jealous. Do I even have a right to? (Thanks in advance and sorry if this seems like a silly question) There are no silly questions, only silly answers :) but seriously folks... Of course you have the right to be jealous, and in fact, as he's not gone outside your relationship, but is telling you about women who show interest in him, he may be doing it on purpose in order to make you jealous. How else could he verify that in spite of the distance, you are being faithful to him in heart and deed? This is an old game that people have been playing with each other when they feel insecure-make the other partner feel jealous by talking about someone else. It might be worth a try to be honest with him and say, "When you talk about other women showing interest in you, it makes me feel insecure and jealous because of our long-distance relationship". Although you can do what you want with other women, I feel afraid that I will lose you to one of them because you are so far away from me." This way you'll not only be expressing your feelings in a way that is recommended when dealing with a relationship issue (when you do thus and such, it makes me feel thus and so), letting him know that his behavior is hurting you. It's up to him to decide whether or not to change his behavior, particularly if he is just playing a relationship game. Phoenix

Elegant -> RE: Envy (2/17/2006 5:51:15 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RiceKitten Master and I have been together for some time, but recently our relationship is long distance. I know Master can do what he wants, and I've accepted that. But when he mentions other women ( as in them showing intrest in him, since he has not gone outside our relationship) I get extremely jealous. Do I even have a right to? (Thanks in advance and sorry if this seems like a silly question) I used to get extremely jealous, especially during the times we were apart. (A job move separated us physically for a year......I was in Atlanta and he was in Texas). It took a while, a lot of tears and a great deal of introspection to realize that he owns me and he chose to own me and that does not change no matter what other person he is with. He may dally with others but he owns me, and that is more than enough for me. There may be a time when he takes a second slave (he's been searching) but at this point in the M/s relationship it will be a bonus.

MistressOfGa -> RE: Envy (2/17/2006 6:13:22 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RiceKitten Master and I have been together for some time, but recently our relationship is long distance. I know Master can do what he wants, and I've accepted that. But when he mentions other women ( as in them showing intrest in him, since he has not gone outside our relationship) I get extremely jealous. Do I even have a right to? (Thanks in advance and sorry if this seems like a silly question) Hi RiceKitten, First of all welcome to the boards. I hope that you are able to get what you need out of them. I agree with MH here, I do think that it is up to Master/Mistress to make sure that their subs/slaves are not feeling insecure by their actions. I think it is terrible that he even mentions the other women paying attention to him. What is the point of that? Why would he tell you this, other than to let you know what you already know, that he is a good catch? That he is desired? You know this. I think I would look behind the reason why he seems to want to make you insecure or jealous. I would talk to him, tell him how you feel, and if his behavior continues and he keeps telling you of these women, then you may have a deeper problem than this. I wish you luck.

Mercnbeth -> RE: Envy (2/17/2006 7:22:25 AM)
here are some links to some discussions on jealousy, envy & insecurity: Breaking Jealousy Jealousy...Help? Jealousy enjoy!

cloudboy -> RE: Envy (2/17/2006 9:43:10 AM)
The question is, how would he handle you being with other men?

angelic -> RE: Envy (2/17/2006 10:05:38 AM)
i agree with MistressofGA. What purpose is there is there in telling you others are interested in Him? imho it is to make you do exactly what you are doing, wondering, worrying and fretting and again imho that is not healthy. Have you told Him how this makes you feel? If so, did He continue in this behaviour? If not, then i strongly suggest you do so. Giving Him the benefit of the doubt, if you have not discussed this then He may not even realize how you feel. If, on the other hand, you have voiced your feelings and concerns and He has continued in this vain, i suggest (at the risk of sounding harsh) that you consider moving on. Trust me it will only get worse and you will only wind up with an ulcer.

petcerina -> RE: Envy (2/17/2006 10:27:18 AM)
i am also in a long distance relationship due to school, however i am lucky enough that i get to see Him once a month while i am in school, and once a week when i am home. i have known for a while that i am insecure. i mention this upfront to those i am involved with because it comes with me. i can combat it, talk about it, and work with it, but it is not something that will go away. It is a demon if you will, but a demon i know and know how to fight. my Master has never given me reason to not trust Him on any level. However, when ex girlfriends call or when He gets a message from a dating site He's long abandoned, i start to get jealous. i will also get jealous if He even talks to another female submissive. Not to sound like a broken record, but your feelings are what they are. Nothing is right or wrong about them. It is how we deal with them that shows what consequences they have. For me, my best weapon against jealousy is to tell my Master immediately when i get jealous, followed by i trust Him, and then a general talking about it. After a day or two, sometimes a week, i'm fine. i'm no longer jealous. my feelings of jealousy are unfounded and have nothing to do with the man i am with. In long distance relationship almost any answer to your problems is communication. That is what i suggest here. The sooner you talk about it, the sooner you will feel better and life will go on.

BitaTruble -> RE: Envy (2/17/2006 11:27:48 AM)
quote: The question is, how would he handle you being with other men? Why is that the question? How he would handle such an issue has nothing to do with her emotions and state of mind. quote: I know Master can do what he wants, and I've accepted that. That her Master can do what he wants doesn't mean she can do what 'she' wants. Their personal dynamic in that area is unknown although she states in her profile that she can't 'even mentally' stray from Master, so I infer that to mean she won't physically stray either. Celeste

cloudboy -> RE: Envy (2/17/2006 12:19:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BitaTruble quote: The question is, how would he handle you being with other men? Why is that the question? How he would handle such an issue has nothing to do with her emotions and state of mind. quote: I know Master can do what he wants, and I've accepted that. That her Master can do what he wants doesn't mean she can do what 'she' wants. Their personal dynamic in that area is unknown although she states in her profile that she can't 'even mentally' stray from Master, so I infer that to mean she won't physically stray either. Celeste I know we are in the subjective realm here, but I beg to differ. The "Master" here needs to know what its like to be on the other end of a poly situation to best understand how to treat his sub fairly and with consideration. One way "I can do anything I want" and "you can only do what I say" relationships are not particularly healthy or fair. I think such an arrangement takes d/s into the exploitation realm, myself. The fact that she is unhappy and jealous here speaks to that. Next, its perfectly within her rights to tell her Master to HIT THE FUCKING ROAD if she doesn't want to be in a one way, poly arrangement. The fact that she's the submissive here is irrelevant.

BitaTruble -> RE: Envy (2/17/2006 2:15:51 PM)
quote: The "Master" here needs to know what its like to be on the other end of a poly situation to best understand how to treat his sub fairly and with consideration. Ok, I disagree, but acknowledge there is a large school out there that believe in starting at the bottom before one can top, so this probably stems from that same root thinking. Celeste

RiceKitten -> RE: Envy (2/17/2006 4:50:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: angelic i agree with MistressofGA. What purpose is there is there in telling you others are interested in Him? Have you told Him how this makes you feel? If so, did He continue in this behaviour? If not, then i strongly suggest you do so. Giving Him the benefit of the doubt, if you have not discussed this then He may not even realize how you feel. I have never had to voice my opinion, because he knows me so well. Like the othernight he said, Oh is Pet insecure. And he assures me he wont go outside of what we have. (I know he wont lie, because other things that he has told me) He says he tells me these things so I KNOW he isnt doing anything. So nothing he does is hush hush, and I will have no reason to suspect ( he knows I have a wild imgination). So he knows how I feel, I know why he does it. And yes he still does it. So I just dont know why I am feeling this way.

RiceKitten -> RE: Envy (2/17/2006 5:00:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Quivver Do you have a right to doesnt much matter if you are. Did you discuss this as part of the deal? What was the outcome? Have you told him? Lot's of questions, but if your Gut's churning and turning green you need to speak up. We don't really have a deal. We were in a Vanilla relationship you could and all this fell into place...Long stroy. He knows I am uncomfortable with it, and has brought it up. And we talk and her says it is so he knows what Im doing. At times he will even call me while he is out, and then I will hear one of them hit on him, and she has no idea that I am there.

RiceKitten -> RE: Envy (2/17/2006 5:06:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: cloudboy The question is, how would he handle you being with other men? He asked me once, if I had ever thought about 'fucking another man'. And I told him I had, because I refuse to lie. (It was the only time I have ever gone outside of what we have mentally or physically) I was punished for it, since there is a distance it could have been alot worse. The punishment was not talking to me, for what I considered the longest time. He also once told me he wouldn't know what he would do if I loved someone else. So I say he doesnt take it overly well, and it displeases him.

cloudboy -> RE: Envy (2/17/2006 5:22:14 PM)
quote: He asked me once, if I had ever thought about 'fucking another man'. And I told him I had, because I refuse to lie. (It was the only time I have ever gone outside of what we have mentally or physically) I was punished for it, since there is a distance it could have been alot worse. The punishment was not talking to me, for what I considered the longest time. He also once told me he wouldn't know what he would do if I loved someone else. So I say he doesnt take it overly well, and it displeases him. So, in your mind, does this make him a flaming hypocrite? Also, between us, don't you think "the silent treatment" is a bit juvenile? Here's my quickline advice: You're young --- if you feel devoted to this master, play ball on his diamond for a trial period, say for one to two months to see if you can resolve your issues and be more happy. If after this you are still disastified, exercise your options. As a general rule, its best for 18 year olds to keep their options open, gain experience and self knowledge, and develop your own sense of self as priority number one.

Lenina -> RE: Envy (2/17/2006 6:01:29 PM)
quote: I have never had to voice my opinion, because he knows me so well. Like the othernight he said, Oh is Pet insecure. And he assures me he wont go outside of what we have. (I know he wont lie, because other things that he has told me) He says he tells me these things so I KNOW he isnt doing anything. So nothing he does is hush hush, and I will have no reason to suspect ( he knows I have a wild imgination). So he knows how I feel, I know why he does it. And yes he still does it. So I just dont know why I am feeling this way. I have a vaguely similar situation, so I'll give you my thoughts. Do you have a right to be jealous? Knowing that he wouldn't go outside the relationship, that he cares about you and won't do anything to hurt you? Probably not. However, like others have said, you can't help how you feel, so you might as well accept your envy. Personally, my s/o metions other women, that they're attracted to him, a few that have asked him out on dates, etc. It hardly gives me a warm fuzzy feeling. It most certainly makes me jealous. I don't like it, but I rarely mention these thoughts. Mainly because when I do, it's just me fishing to hear somthing to the effect of "You know I love you and would never do anything to hurt you. You have nothing to worry about" When I do mention the thoughts, i.e. fish for a secure response, he won't give them to me. He know's that I know he's not going to hurt me, so there's no need for the redundancy. Why does he even metion the other women? Honestly, I don't know, I'm not a mind reader. I assume that it has somthing to do with the ego boost. To let me know that he still hasn't lost his touch. Regardless, you (and I) want to feel like we're the only one in our s/o's mind. I think it's perfectly natural. As far as how to cope with it, I try to tell myself that I'm being irrational and there's nothing to worry about. However, that's not fool proof. When I fuigure out somthing better, I'll let you know. ;) quote: He asked me once, if I had ever thought about 'fucking another man'. And I told him I had, because I refuse to lie. (It was the only time I have ever gone outside of what we have mentally or physically) I was punished for it, since there is a distance it could have been alot worse. The punishment was not talking to me, for what I considered the longest time. He also once told me he wouldn't know what he would do if I loved someone else. So I say he doesnt take it overly well, and it displeases him. In my opinion, that's silly and childish. He should be trying to talk you through things, helping you mentally and emotionally. There's many better ways he could have handled that situation.

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