RE: Were you a Dom/Sub/Slave before hearing about the lifestyle?

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RE: Were you a Dom/Sub/Slave before hearing about the l... - 7/10/2009 4:15:03 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
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BDSM gave me a new and interesting lens with which to look at myself, my wife, and our relationship. I didn't suddenly become a new human being when I learned about BDSM. Carol didn't when she asked for my collar. We are both who we have always been. That being said, it is certainly true that we are exploring depths to the idea of a authority transfer that we never would've explored just by random happen stance. So it's not unfair to say that being introduced to BDSM certainly has refined some aspects of our respective personalities.

This whole exploration has certainly given me a much sharper mental framework with which to think of all these things. Using those newfound concepts and looking back, I would say that I have always been a dominant type personality. Specifically, that means that leadership vacuum's make me distinctly uncomfortable and I will be virtually unable to resist stepping into one. Poor leadership sends off a similar response. That ends up meaning a fair amount of the time I'd be the "default leader" in any given situation. I'm always grateful when someone else is leading well.

Carol has always been a naturally submissive type personality. Specifically, that means that she, in general, prefers to submit as she makes her way through life. In plain english it means she is pretty flexible of mind-set... either sushi or burgers is OK with her for lunch. It also means she's significantly adverse to confrontation. She'd much rather go to the less desirable lunch spot than "make an issue out it." Finally, it also means she has a strong urge to please and derives a great deal of satisfaction from the knowledge that she has done so. Like me, these are all behaviors that she'd trot out as a default. Also like me, when confrontation or taking charge is called for, she is capable of doing so.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Bluegod)

Post #: 21

RE: Were you a Dom/Sub/Slave before hearing about the l... - 7/10/2009 4:24:01 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

Being, as I am, an elder in the 12th order, I was bred from a long line of dominants and began my training in the womb. As part of my initiation, I was sent naked into a band of wild Goreans with nothing but a pen knife to defend myself with and to this day the brutal scar across my shoulder signifies that I alone survived and went on to become the revered elder that I am now.

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 22

RE: Were you a Dom/Sub/Slave before hearing about the l... - 7/10/2009 4:24:24 PM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
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quote:

they called it "The Way Things Are...As Long As You Live Under Our Roof".

... and see, perhaps this is one way one can tell, early on, the general tendencies of an individual. I lived under pretty much the -exact- same circumstances as Beth... but for me, that weight of authority started feeling like a 10-ton anvil while I was still -very- young (before I was into the double-digits in any case, and well before I became a teenager). I think that's why so much of this has -never- really been associated with 'sex' for me.

In any case, I finally decided, at 15, since I couldn't beat 'em, and I couldn't join 'em, "As Long As You Live Under Our Roof" was ending here and now... and I walked out the door and didn't go back until I was completely self-sufficient and had my -own- roof that I could escape to. *LOL*

Not that that was necessarily the BRIGHTEST move I've ever made, but there ya go... Ya takes responsibility for the good -and- the bad.

Dame Calla

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 23

RE: Were you a Dom/Sub/Slave before hearing about the l... - 7/10/2009 4:36:14 PM

chiaThePet

Posts: 2694
Joined: 2/4/2007
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Why yes.

As far back as I can remember, there was always this booming voice rising in declaration.

"You think you're a smart ass, don't you boy?"

<WHAP>

"And there's more where that came from boy!"

"Well, why are you still standing there boy?"

( insert cherub face accompanied by chirping crickets)

chia* (the pet)

_____________________________

Love is a many splendid sting.

You can stick me in the corner, but I'll probably just end up coloring on the walls.

(in reply to Bluegod)

Post #: 24

RE: Were you a Dom/Sub/Slave before hearing about the l... - 7/10/2009 4:53:09 PM

oceanwinds

Posts: 530
Status: offline

. BDSM and the titles/labels of Dom/sub/slave were not a part of my vocabulary nor did I have any knowledge of them.

Growing up my mother and most of my aunts worked. My father was very domineering and a control freak who did it through fear. Respect was not earned in my family, it was expected. Prior to marrying late hubby, my ex and other live in lovers were basically domineering. My relationships never lasted long, because I would walk out the door. It never occurred to me that I was submissive. I probably would have given someone a dirty look if they called me that. I was just trying to survive life. Then I met late hubby and I didn't walk out the door. He was not domineering, he was very much in control but did not demand my respect. He earned it, and I found that an odd thing the first few years of our relationship. He didn't beat his chest, nor declared he was this or that and I must do this or that. For five decades I never saw myself as a submissive nor cared about it to be honest. It was when i met my friend who was into BDSM that these words came to my table.

After sorting through my head and heart for the last 3 years, i can humbly say i am a submissive. Did I discover a great secret? No. I just opened my heart to a major aspect of my character. Do i live and breath this word? At first yes, but not anymore. I do not have a need to label me. Instead, i wish to humbly live the best i can and in total honor of my being.

_____________________________

I know where I came from and where I am today. I am forever grateful to all that touched my life. Thank you all and especially you, Goddess.

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 25

RE: Were you a Dom/Sub/Slave before hearing about the l... - 7/10/2009 7:43:00 PM

Jeptha

Posts: 780
Joined: 9/18/2008
From: Portland, Oregon
Status: offline

Neither, perhaps. I think I was just an independent pervert.

Discovering the roles you mention just gave me a conceptual vehicle within which I could explain what I wanted and have it make sense (and therefor find acceptance) of some sort.

If the options were the classic "lead, follow, or get out of the way" , as a kid my choice would have been "get out of the way".

I don't know if I was dominant, as I didn't really have much of a plan of my own, and what ideas I did have I didn't always have the ability to "sell" to anyone else.

But I wasn't happy following, either.

That's why I often think "independent".

But "socially awkward" might be an equally apt term, as I was a pretty shy kid and young adult.

I fantasized about having access to and controlling women, but I think those were just as likely to be the fairly typical fantasies of adolescence as an inclination towards dominance.

Later on, though, after discovering this big bright world of D/s, etc., (thank you, internet), ideas of dominance fit in well with other things I was trying to do. It enabled me to not only embrace my inner perv, but it also dovetailed nicely with ideas about how I wanted to relate to the world more assertively and energetically and honestly and directly.

So, the glove seems to fit, though I'm not sure the title as interpretted by me always concurs with the popular usage.

_____________________________

...YOU KNOW HOW I LIKE MY PORK CHOPS!
- - - - - - -
"....(somewhere) therein lies the truthiness..."
~*~*~*~*
http://www.myspace.com/crocusofiron

(in reply to Bluegod)

Post #: 26

RE: Were you a Dom/Sub/Slave before hearing about the l... - 7/10/2009 8:04:39 PM

kallisto

Posts: 1185
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

quote:

Were you introduced to BDSM first and then decided you were a Dom, sub or slave....or did you decide you were a Dom, sub or slave on your own and then discover the lifestyle?

this slave was introduced to the idea that one submits to whomever is in authority over them as a wee one. they didn't call it dominance/submission. they called it "The Way Things Are...As Long As You Live Under Our Roof".

her clothes, etc. were not "hers"...she owned nothing...it was all provided for her, under certain conditions...submitting to their authority through obedience was one of those conditions. they didn't call it submitting, though. they called it "smart", "good", "right" and "proper".

it was impressed upon her that her "husband" would have that role of authority as well as provider, in the future, so therefore she was taught "women's work" such as cleaning, gardening, caring for small helpless creatures, sewing, knitting, nursing and patience and not "men's work" such as how to earn money, repair an engine, build furniture, pour a concrete walkway, defend one's property, make friends with the neighbors or win a fight.

Labels meant nothing at the time, but this was very much me growing up, even through several "broken homes". Yet as time went on, I noticed it less and less in the adults within our "many families". But it had been instilled in me from as far back as I can remember.

However, during the years after my husband passing away and not being in a relationship, I've had to learn some "men's work" to survive (such as learning to replace the guts in a toliet because I couldn't afford a plumber). But it certainly didn't change who I am.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 27

RE: Were you a Dom/Sub/Slave before hearing about the l... - 7/10/2009 8:16:56 PM

caelestis

Posts: 195
Joined: 9/6/2008
Status: offline

In every relationship I've ever been in, I've taken the more submissive role. I've always been about making my significant other happy or smile by doing simple little things. I've always been service and detail oriented.

Granted, I also stumbled upon a D/s book (on my mothers bookshelf none the less) at the age of 14 entitled "Erotic Surrender: The Sensual Joys of Female Submission", by Claudia Varrin, so its a bit hard to tell which came first.

_____________________________

"We are a fountain of shimmering contradictions, most of us. Beautiful in the concept, if we're lucky, but frequently tedious or regrettable as we flesh ourselves out."
— Gregory Maguire

(in reply to Bluegod)

Post #: 28

RE: Were you a Dom/Sub/Slave before hearing about the l... - 7/10/2009 8:40:48 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael
Being, as I am, an elder in the 12th order, I was bred from a long line of dominants and began my training in the womb. As part of my initiation, I was sent naked into a band of wild Goreans with nothing but a pen knife to defend myself with and to this day the brutal scar across my shoulder

You told me that scar came from an unfortunate accident with a coffee maker, a bottle of schnapps, and a blonde.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 29

RE: Were you a Dom/Sub/Slave before hearing about the l... - 7/10/2009 11:21:02 PM

hermioneinchains

Posts: 6
Joined: 10/14/2008
Status: offline

I've been submissive my whole life. It was just figuring out how to stop feeling guilty about it (what with being a powerful feminist as well) that was tricky. Fortunately, I don't feel the slightest bit guilty anymore :)

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 30

RE: Were you a Dom/Sub/Slave before hearing about the l... - 7/10/2009 11:28:14 PM

Danemora

Posts: 752
Joined: 10/9/2006
Status: offline

For me, I always knew that there was something different about me. I just really didnt have the words to be able to express it or even know what it was until I was in my early 20's and I experienced the internet. For the first time, I could do some research about subjects that could not be found in a library. It was like finding the path of breadcrumbs in the forest that I didnt even know really existed.

(in reply to kuriouswitch)

Post #: 31

RE: Were you a Dom/Sub/Slave before hearing about the l... - 7/11/2009 3:18:22 AM

WestBaySlave

Posts: 501
Joined: 9/24/2008
Status: offline

As a child I had some bizarre thoughts now and then that are decidedly kinky in retrospect, but when I hit puberty quite suddenly at age twelve I knew that I was going through something different from my peers ( straight boys want to kiss girls, gay boys want to kiss boys, but I apparently wanted my own personal Stalin or worse ). Fortunately growing up in the internet age I didn't have to think I was crazy and self-destructive for long, and learned of the Master/slave scene age fourteen and had the fairly instant realization that that was what I needed and wanted.

Submission for me has always been a way of relating rather than a constant state of being, so I can say that I would have been a "slave" to any man I formed a relationship with whether doms even existed or not. It's just my way of relating romantically and emotionally.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeptha

Neither, perhaps. I think I was just an independent pervert.

Discovering the roles you mention just gave me a conceptual vehicle within which I could explain what I wanted and have it make sense (and therefor find acceptance) of some sort.

If the options were the classic "lead, follow, or get out of the way" , as a kid my choice would have been "get out of the way".

I don't know if I was dominant, as I didn't really have much of a plan of my own, and what ideas I did have I didn't always have the ability to "sell" to anyone else.

But I wasn't happy following, either.

That's why I often think "independent".

But "socially awkward" might be an equally apt term, as I was a pretty shy kid and young adult.

Interestingly, this totally describes me.

(in reply to Jeptha)

Post #: 32

RE: Were you a Dom/Sub/Slave before hearing about the l... - 7/11/2009 4:06:43 AM

eyesopened

Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: xiam

The terminology came later for me. I had no idea there were words for what i was doing or wanting to do, let alone the fact that there was a whole community of people who did it, too. :)

Hooray for the internet!

That was my experience also. I was a participant in bdsm activities long before I knew there was a name for it. I thought I was a freak or a deviant and was happily surprised when I ran into others with whom I could share my kinks. That there were groups of people with the same inclinations never was discussed with me until I stumbled upon the "community" on the internet.

_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to xiam)

Post #: 33

RE: Were you a Dom/Sub/Slave before hearing about the l... - 7/11/2009 4:50:06 AM

naughtysubK

Posts: 62
Joined: 5/2/2004
Status: offline

From a very early age,   when I first discovered how good it felt to touch myself 'down there', my fantasies always involved some sort of submission, or spanking, or bondage. When I was a older and started dating boys,   I wanted to be submissive to them,   and was quite delighted when one boyfriend pulled me over his knee and gave me a quick spanking. I stumbled upon and read over and over again, wth one hand, the Sleeping Beauty trilogy Anne Rice wrote under a pen name. This was shortly after college.

I had absolutely no idea that people in the 20th century actually did such things until I met my first Master, when I was 29.   He saw the submissive tendencies in me and did a lot to introduce me to BDSM and bring out those submissive tendencies in me. Since then I don't believe I could have a vanilla relationship

I did not grow up with the internet, unlike those much younger than me.   Until I was 31, I didn't even have a home computer and all of my internet access was at work.

(in reply to eyesopened)

Post #: 34

RE: Were you a Dom/Sub/Slave before hearing about the l... - 7/17/2009 10:51:35 AM

lastgentleman

Posts: 31
Joined: 1/26/2009
Status: offline

The personality traits were definately there from an early age. I didn't know what BDSM was until I met my first 'sub' after I left university.....I thought (still think) tying women to beds and other items of furniture was/is perfectly normal

(in reply to kuriouswitch)

Post #: 35

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