Are most Domme's genuine? (Full Version)

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subithink -> Are most Domme's genuine? (7/12/2009 3:07:18 AM)

i often hear how so many male subs are not genuine, and can only take everyones word for this. Yet the last two Dominant Ladies that i spent weeks with chatting to on collarme, seemed to get off on pretending to want a relationship with no intentions of ever making it real life. Both times i felt used, and i wonder what they could have possibly got out of screwing with my feelings when they hadn't even met me. i try to always come across as sincere and genuine (which i believe i am) and have been hurt terribly by this. My question is- Is this common. Are domme's on cm just as likely to be creeps as many men. i am  hoping i get re-assured that i have just been unlucky, but  the way i feel right now is i am nearly ready to give up



LadySweetOrSour -> RE: Are most Domme's genuine? (7/12/2009 3:11:20 AM)

Of course they are just as likely to be insincere. CM isn't the holy grail, it has it's share of liars and users, just the same as anywhere else in life.

Perhaps you weren't as straightforward as you think you were, or maybe you were just unlucky to come across 2 dommes in a row who did this to you? Maybe you present as something, then change after a while, so they decided not to meet up with you.



CatdeMedici -> RE: Are most Domme's genuine? (7/12/2009 4:13:44 AM)

Its a venue, nothing more, think of it as a library, you get to spend some time with the synopsis before you decide if you want to check out the whole book.  Many won't be worth a second look, some will be soso and one might be perfect--it takes time--perhaps be careful how much of yourself you invest though in the beginning. Just because She is a D and you are an s, does not compatability guarantee.



LadyLou -> RE: Are most Domme's genuine? (7/12/2009 5:02:27 AM)

 
Dommes, doms, subs, slaves, switches, and all the shades in between; yeap, “creeps” come in all denominations. It's not gender or orientation specific. I'm sorry to hear of your negative experiences. But, if you keep persevering and maintain a realistically positive attitude, things will start to look up; it's a numbers game. I was lucky enough to find my sub within a couple of days of being on CollarMe (it's the third anniversary of our first 'meeting' on CollarMe today [:D]) but I had spent ages on other sites trawling the murky waters of there ponds, sorting through the frogs.


Perhaps it would help to look at it, not so much in terms of what/who is 'real' and 'genuine', but more in terms of compatible expectations (as well as compatibility). Looking at it from this angle leads to less confusion, pain and maybe a bit less frustration. As well be being more likely to improve your chances. Good luck and don't let your disillusion effect your perseverance.



Msagain -> RE: Are most Domme's genuine? (7/12/2009 5:25:49 AM)

I too hope I come across as honest and genuine and I am a Domme. But, let me tell you that I also came across a lot of players in fact over the past to years up to the point I met my latest sub I have spent a lot of my time talking to 14 subs. Out of those 14, 8 didnt turn up to thier appointments, 5 in no way matched their profiles and 1 decided after our discussions that this wasnt what he wanted afterall.
So as you see there are a lot of time wasters out there but you know we have a saying in the UK "You got to dig a lot of coal to find a gem", so persevere, because it will be worth it when you find your gem, it was to me.



Saint -> RE: Are most Domme's genuine? (7/12/2009 5:26:04 AM)

Wait to see what your opinion will be over the course of 6-8 years when you move off this venue and into real life events where the same thing happens to people repeatedly. Don't give up though. Just perservere and learn to read the warning signs early on.



wingerzzz -> RE: Are most Domme's genuine? (7/12/2009 6:19:21 AM)

Male version of the player is often a male on this site looking for some kinky sex.

Women version of the player is a woman on this site looking for attention and entertainment with little if no interest to actually be in a real life relationship.

The trick is to learn from your experiences so you can spot a player and move on from them as quick as possible.

If you want to find someone through cyber must be willing to deal with the players and still keep an open mind and heart. There are sincere female dominants here but you have to learn to spot them and not be lazy and force arbritary deadlines and expectations just so you can be smug and think you win because you are never played.



thetammyjo -> RE: Are most Domme's genuine? (7/12/2009 6:44:56 AM)

This is partly my bias showing but why on earth would you ever believe that the people you talk to online only are who they say they are? What proof do you have other than your own hopes.

Better to assume everyone is pretending to be something they aren't until you get proof in my very strong opinion. Most of the time it frankly doesn't matter until you are trying to form a relationship and then I say you are foolish to let your heart go until you KNOW who you are tying to by meeting face-to-face.

Instead of complaining, what are you doing to get proof? Why aren't you offline meeting folks face-to-face?



subithink -> RE: Are most Domme's genuine? (7/12/2009 7:38:54 AM)

i would like to thank You all for giving me Your thoughts and advice. i do appreciate it. The very fact that You all added Your thoughts tells me that this site is not made up of uncaring players.

i think the general consensus is there are players in all walks of life, and i should wisen up and put the 'bad luck' down to history.

i was foolish to let my heart go without a real life meeting first. It's funny though as we would have long phone conversations and the ladies in question sounded so genuine. i do tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and expect the best in all people until i am given reason not too. i guess that makes me an easy target for 'players', but at the same time, i don't want to harden my heart. i will  continue to perservere as i would like to think that sooner or later i will find what i seek.

tammyjo thank you for your comments regarding meeting people face to face. But this is a dilemma for me. I have no fears meeting Dominant Ladies face to face, but i can really only do this through first meeting them on cm. i am not a prude or inhibited in most ways, but the thought of attending a bdsm night really turns me off. For me the whole D/s relationship should be an intimate personal experience and from my understanding of most of these bdsm nights it is not really where i could expect to find a Lady that wanted a true relationship. i guess i see them as bdsm versions of a meat market, sleazy, kind of like swingers nights. i know alot of people enjoy this sort of thing and i do not wish to offend anyone that does by saying this. What would be good if there were singles nights for those seeking a D/s relationship that did not diminish into a sleazy dress up in fetish wear night. A simple cocktail party where everybody dressed in normal neat casual. Or even speed dating for bdsm types. So unless i am missing something i have to resign myself to collarme.

its not what i want for my life, but i have resigned myself to the fact that i may not end up in a D/s relationship. That being the case, i will end up alone as the thought of another vanilla relationship is worse, at least for me.

The irony is what a genuine sub wants is to love and make another person happy. no  different to genuine vanilla's. Infact i suspect a genuine sub craves this more than most vanilla's. The irony is the person that wants to give so much lives in a world with so few women that want what a sub offers. i am just having a little sorry for myself, but will snap out of it i am sure. Who knows, i may be just one click away from meeting my future partner!

Thank You all again, you are all good souls.




RedMagic1 -> RE: Are most Domme's genuine? (7/12/2009 7:49:43 AM)

There are different kinds of events.  A "play party" usually does have play, yes.  However a "munch" is usually a totally nilla situation.  Also, there are classes and demonstrations.  You are allowing your lack of knowledge to turn into prejudice and fear inside your mind.  Relax.  It's really not that big a deal.

TammyJo's advice is good, and I suggest you take it.  Unless you have the ability to meet women fairly quickly online-to-real, real time is far better than IMing back and forth for god knows how long.

Edited for typos.  I hope they're all fixed.[;)]



Venatrix -> RE: Are most Domme's genuine? (7/12/2009 8:00:54 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: subithink

i often hear how so many male subs are not genuine, and can only take everyones word for this. Yet the last two Dominant Ladies that i spent weeks with chatting to on collarme, seemed to get off on pretending to want a relationship with no intentions of ever making it real life. Both times i felt used, and i wonder what they could have possibly got out of screwing with my feelings when they hadn't even met me. i try to always come across as sincere and genuine (which i believe i am) and have been hurt terribly by this. My question is- Is this common. Are domme's on cm just as likely to be creeps as many men. i am  hoping i get re-assured that i have just been unlucky, but  the way i feel right now is i am nearly ready to give up


I think the number one cause of disappointment in male subs is getting too involved with their hearts too soon.  It's no different than the vanilla dating world.  If you build someone up into a fantasy of perfection and ignore any warning signs, then you are automatically setting yourself up for disappointment.  Treat everyone you encounter on CM as people instead of fantasies or kink delivery systems, take things slowly, don't be afraid to walk away if the situation doesn't feel right, and you should find yourself with a lot less heartache on your hands.



CarrieO -> RE: Are most Domme's genuine? (7/12/2009 8:10:14 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: subithink
i am not a prude or inhibited in most ways, but the thought of attending a bdsm night really turns me off. For me the whole D/s relationship should be an intimate personal experience and from my understanding of most of these bdsm nights it is not really where i could expect to find a Lady that wanted a true relationship. i guess i see them as bdsm versions of a meat market, sleazy, kind of like swingers nights.


subithink,

You do understand there's a difference between attending a munch to meet other people in your area and attending  play party?  The few munches I've attended took place in very vanilla settings...local restaurants to be exact. 
I wanted to view your profile in an attempt to find a location and offer a link to possible area munches but it appears you have no active profile.

As to your OP...I've met many people using various labels to describe themselves (I'm a switch...just another label really) and have found quite a few who have misrepresented themselves one way or another through phone calls and online communication.  Really, the only way to get to know another person...to get a feel for who they are and how the two of you relate to each other is in person. Try to remember just because a woman uses the title of Domme and you sub doesn't mean it's meant to be. Be clear and concise about yourself and look for the same from others.
That being said, resigning yourself to collarme alone as a means to finding your ideal is like using two cans and a length of string as a phone.  You may be able to get a feel for what it's like to use a phone...albeit rather primative...but you'll still have no clue until hold a real reciever to your ear and have the conversation thru a crystal clear connection.  Until you meet in person...be it at a munch or requesting to meet after a couple of phone calls...you're still just holding the can.

I wouldn't say "harden your heart" in order to wade through the nonsense...just remember common sense and keep your feet firmly planted in reality. 

On a side note....your talk of  having to "...resigned myself to the fact that i may not end up in a D/s relationship. That being the case, i will end up alone as the thought of another vanilla relationship is worse, at least for me."  is a bit defeatist to me.  Chin up...there are many women who want a man (I look for the person, not the label) who can offer the ability to please.  You've had your PM (poor me) moment...get out, enjoy life, make yourself attractive to those you desire and don't forget common sense.

Good luck!



LadyPact -> RE: Are most Domme's genuine? (7/12/2009 9:04:48 AM)

After spending a very long night talking to someone who is feeling quite a bit like you are, OP, I can understand.  The label of female Dominant does not guarantee that the person is genuine.  In fact, if all you've got is words on the screen, for all anyone knows, it's just some guy in Jersey in his basement.

Also, I'm going to echo what some other folks said here.  What you have conjured up in your head is not what most munches are like.  Most are held at a public location and many groups even ask specifically that those who are going to attend leave the fetish wear at home.  I have never understood the problem some people have just going to dinner.  Shyness, I get.  The rest, I really don't.

Some people find someone who they connect with online and things go wonderfully.  In another case, someone meets someone else at a munch or an event and they get their start from there.  I don't see why anyone wants to limit their options by not getting out there and meeting people.



devildoggirl -> RE: Are most Domme's genuine? (7/12/2009 9:40:07 AM)

As someone new to this site, I've been surprised by the expectations of some of the subs who've contacted me. Basically no intro followed up by a request/demand for play. I think my profile is fairly clear. And given my geographic distance from the people contacting me meeting in RL isn't much of an option. That means online chatting, emails, etc is what I have to offer.

I don't know about your specific situation, subithink, but maybe RL experiences weren't an option. If that's not the case then you might be dealing with ladies who like the fantasy but are afraid of the reality. While it's been disappointing for you so far I recommend that you keep looking. I firmly believe that we all have a good match out there somewhere.

Best of luck!



LdyyR -> RE: Are most Domme's genuine? (7/12/2009 10:35:46 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: subithink

i often hear how so many male subs are not genuine, and can only take everyones word for this. Yet the last two Dominant Ladies that i spent weeks with chatting to on collarme, seemed to get off on pretending to want a relationship with no intentions of ever making it real life. Both times i felt used, and i wonder what they could have possibly got out of screwing with my feelings when they hadn't even met me. i try to always come across as sincere and genuine (which i believe i am) and have been hurt terribly by this. My question is- Is this common. Are domme's on cm just as likely to be creeps as many men. i am  hoping i get re-assured that i have just been unlucky, but  the way i feel right now is i am nearly ready to give up


You say you were speaking with these ladies for weeks, that doesn't seem like an unusually long time.  What was it that made you believe they weren't ever going to meet with you?  Did they say they never wanted to meet or did they just want more time to get to know you. 

I know for myself, I like to get an over all feel of a person, I like to see if there can be more of a connection besides just bdsm conversations and if I feel the individual isn't really on the same page as I am, I will back away and let them know I'm not interested in getting together. 

I recently am having a really bad online experience with a sub.  I had a situation where this person wanted to rush out and meet, at my place no less, on the first night of conversation.  Finally I agreed to meet on another day, but after I got off the phone and having gone over the whole of the conversation in my head, my gut instinct told me I would be wasting both our time because, I knew in my heart this person wasn't in any way suitable for me.   the person was just too pushy and gave poor answers for why they wanted to serve me in the first place.   I was just convenient, nothing more nothing less.

Anyway,  sometimes showing a bit of patience goes a long way.  Then again, I don't know the full details in your situation, so its quite possible those ladies were just interested in online d/s and if they intended to lead you on, I am sorry you had to go through that.



SweetDommes -> RE: Are most Domme's genuine? (7/12/2009 12:42:05 PM)

Some are, some aren't. We are - but we are not compatable with just anyone, so we've been called fakes, players, wanna-bes, and men in the past LMAO. Write it off as a learning experience, and be glad that you didn't spend more wasted time with them.



littlesarbonn -> RE: Are most Domme's genuine? (7/12/2009 4:22:17 PM)

I tend to treat everyone with whom I converse as genuine, even though an inner sense of mine is constantly suspicious until I actually meet the person in the flesh. I've met a number of people from here in person, and I'd say that in my opinion (and it's only mine), there have been a few who I don't think were really dominants but wanted to be dominants. I think they believed they were capable of being dominants, but in reality they were looking for relationships, and they didn't know how to actually tell themselves that.

I've met a few not that long ago that I don't think were looking for anything other than a person to argue with and then be able to chalk up another one as a "fake" because he didn't meet her expectations. I recently ran across one who tends to pick fights with everyone because I think that's the only satisfaction she gets out of life (my opinion, of course).

So, you have to go in with both eyes open constantly or you run the risk of being taken down a fool's road before you realize you were pursuing something that wasn't really there.

Now, having said that, there are probably some very serious, very sincere people on the boards as well. The problem is being able to ascertain which ones are real and which ones are going to waste your time. Unfortunately, I don't really have an answer to that one. I've been run down the waste of time road a little more lately than I would care for, but that's the conflict you have to deal with if you're really looking for someone yourself and you're sincere as well.

Nothing great has ever been achieved without an epic journey beforehand. Well, I did get lucky once, but that hasn't happened since...at least not right out the starting gate.



AlexandraLynch -> RE: Are most Domme's genuine? (7/12/2009 11:54:30 PM)

Well, genuine what?

The only complaint I ever got about my not being genuine was from someone who was upset that I didn't want to spin him a customized real-time participatory masturbatory fantasy incorporating all his fantasies for an hour and a half for free.



realtuffdom -> RE: Are most Domme's genuine? (7/13/2009 12:53:41 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AlexandraLynch

Well, genuine what?

The only complaint I ever got about my not being genuine was from someone who was upset that I didn't want to spin him a customized real-time participatory masturbatory fantasy incorporating all his fantasies for an hour and a half for free.



But I promised you a free Icee from Wal Mart if you would....I even said pick your flavor.



MstrPBK -> RE: Are most Domme's genuine? (7/13/2009 1:39:58 AM)

I am genuine too .... except for those who do not like MN winters, or persons with disabilities, or those who would rather be caged, chained, and gagged 24/7 ....

MstrPBK
St. Paul, MN USA



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